Parents never ask questions about our lives

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think this has nothing to do with age. If one thinks of it, people who behave in this way have always done so. They're usually also people who don't have many friends (if any) and are socially awkward. They don't know how to have a two-way conversation. They usually also never figure out when their kids have grown up, have their own agency, and should be treated as peers rather than a 5-year-old. They talk AT people. They also think that their kids/grandkids HAVE to listen to them, no matter what (anybody unrelated to them has disappeared long ago). For some reason, there are a lot of women like this in our parents generation (boomers). My mom and MIL are like this. When I call my mom, she literally asks me why I'm not more interested in her life -- i.e. gossip about people I don't know. In her ideal, everybody should be interested in her and she should sit like a queen on a throne and be peppered with attention. It doesn't even occur to her to be interested in others. She doesn't know anything about me or my kids, nor my brother or his kids. Never been to any school plays or sports games. I once asked her why she's never been to brother's son's soccer games (he plays at a high level). She was surprised: what would I do there?! I had to chuckle recently when she thought that a "normal" involvement with this same teen was to offer to pay for his driving school so that then he'd be "obliged" (her words) to drive her around. He refused and she cannot understand why.

I posted this before, but boomer women saw this behavior modelled by the women older than them. Grandma ruled the day and and everyone was just expected to suck it up. Grandma wasn't interested in what her daughter thought about anything or what she was doing (to be fair, daughter was likely greatly restricted in what she could do in mid-century America), and even less interested in the grandkids, but Grandma sure was interested in making sure she was the center of attention nd everyone listened to what she had to say. The daughters/moms were biding their time until it was their turn to be the family matriarch--and they could then act as their mothers did and everyone who bow to them. Our moms and MILs saw this and internalized it.

And then the world changed dramatically. Gen Xers and older Millennials had no intention of continuing these patterns. But our moms had waited (and waited and waited!) for their time to come and they want their reward, gosh darn it.

I’m surprised this dynamic also happened in the U.S. I thought it was just an Asian/ Indian thing.

It's a bit more subtle, but its definitely a thing. The family social hierarchy is more in your face and openly discussed as normal and how things are in some other cultures, whereas in the US (at least White America), it's there but not so explicitly talked about. Heck, I'm not even sure some people even really understand that's what's going on, but as I said, it's what they've seen modelled for generations and so that's just how they expect things to go. I guarantee my mom and MIL could not articulate it, but it's very much there. They can't tell you why they're upset that their grown children refuse to play the role of dutifully obedient adult child who patiently listens to their gossip about meaningless things, just that they're upset.

Sometimes I feel bad for them. The rug basically got pulled out from under them. They're navigating major social change with few (if any) examples. From a young age, they saw the prize, biding their time, just as their own mothers did. They want their prize, and they have no idea how to have meaningful two-way relationships with their adult children because they never saw meaningful two-way relationships between a parent and adult child--they literally don't know how to do it. They know how to be The Matriarch. It's easier to do what you know than to learn something new.

Regarding the bold, none of this is happening in the parents you all are complaining about here--the parents are living their best lives, they are not aware of this "problem" you identified and don't recognize it, and ignore you all when you try to bring it up because it is an absurdity. You all, the kids are "upset" and looking for some kind of prize, but you think that just because you are upset, that becomes an emergency and others are upset. No, it doesn't work thar way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think this has nothing to do with age. If one thinks of it, people who behave in this way have always done so. They're usually also people who don't have many friends (if any) and are socially awkward. They don't know how to have a two-way conversation. They usually also never figure out when their kids have grown up, have their own agency, and should be treated as peers rather than a 5-year-old. They talk AT people. They also think that their kids/grandkids HAVE to listen to them, no matter what (anybody unrelated to them has disappeared long ago). For some reason, there are a lot of women like this in our parents generation (boomers). My mom and MIL are like this. When I call my mom, she literally asks me why I'm not more interested in her life -- i.e. gossip about people I don't know. In her ideal, everybody should be interested in her and she should sit like a queen on a throne and be peppered with attention. It doesn't even occur to her to be interested in others. She doesn't know anything about me or my kids, nor my brother or his kids. Never been to any school plays or sports games. I once asked her why she's never been to brother's son's soccer games (he plays at a high level). She was surprised: what would I do there?! I had to chuckle recently when she thought that a "normal" involvement with this same teen was to offer to pay for his driving school so that then he'd be "obliged" (her words) to drive her around. He refused and she cannot understand why.

I posted this before, but boomer women saw this behavior modelled by the women older than them. Grandma ruled the day and and everyone was just expected to suck it up. Grandma wasn't interested in what her daughter thought about anything or what she was doing (to be fair, daughter was likely greatly restricted in what she could do in mid-century America), and even less interested in the grandkids, but Grandma sure was interested in making sure she was the center of attention nd everyone listened to what she had to say. The daughters/moms were biding their time until it was their turn to be the family matriarch--and they could then act as their mothers did and everyone who bow to them. Our moms and MILs saw this and internalized it.

And then the world changed dramatically. Gen Xers and older Millennials had no intention of continuing these patterns. But our moms had waited (and waited and waited!) for their time to come and they want their reward, gosh darn it.

I’m surprised this dynamic also happened in the U.S. I thought it was just an Asian/ Indian thing.

It's a bit more subtle, but its definitely a thing. The family social hierarchy is more in your face and openly discussed as normal and how things are in some other cultures, whereas in the US (at least White America), it's there but not so explicitly talked about. Heck, I'm not even sure some people even really understand that's what's going on, but as I said, it's what they've seen modelled for generations and so that's just how they expect things to go. I guarantee my mom and MIL could not articulate it, but it's very much there. They can't tell you why they're upset that their grown children refuse to play the role of dutifully obedient adult child who patiently listens to their gossip about meaningless things, just that they're upset.

Sometimes I feel bad for them. The rug basically got pulled out from under them. They're navigating major social change with few (if any) examples. From a young age, they saw the prize, biding their time, just as their own mothers did. They want their prize, and they have no idea how to have meaningful two-way relationships with their adult children because they never saw meaningful two-way relationships between a parent and adult child--they literally don't know how to do it. They know how to be The Matriarch. It's easier to do what you know than to learn something new.

Regarding the bold, none of this is happening in the parents you all are complaining about here--the parents are living their best lives, they are not aware of this "problem" you identified and don't recognize it, and ignore you all when you try to bring it up because it is an absurdity. You all, the kids are "upset" and looking for some kind of prize, but you think that just because you are upset, that becomes an emergency and others are upset. No, it doesn't work thar way.

You've been super defensive all over this thread and I'm sure it's because you're one of the parents who's been called out by an adult child for your bizarre, undersocialized behavior.

In many of our cases though, our parents are well-aware of this problem because we've pointed it out to them and followed through with reducing or even ceasing contact due to the fact that they won't change. I understand now that for many of you, it's not so much that you refuse to change but moreso that you are incapable of changing. That makes me have a little more empathy but it doesn't change the fact that I don't wish to continue putting effort into such a relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think this has nothing to do with age. If one thinks of it, people who behave in this way have always done so. They're usually also people who don't have many friends (if any) and are socially awkward. They don't know how to have a two-way conversation. They usually also never figure out when their kids have grown up, have their own agency, and should be treated as peers rather than a 5-year-old. They talk AT people. They also think that their kids/grandkids HAVE to listen to them, no matter what (anybody unrelated to them has disappeared long ago). For some reason, there are a lot of women like this in our parents generation (boomers). My mom and MIL are like this. When I call my mom, she literally asks me why I'm not more interested in her life -- i.e. gossip about people I don't know. In her ideal, everybody should be interested in her and she should sit like a queen on a throne and be peppered with attention. It doesn't even occur to her to be interested in others. She doesn't know anything about me or my kids, nor my brother or his kids. Never been to any school plays or sports games. I once asked her why she's never been to brother's son's soccer games (he plays at a high level). She was surprised: what would I do there?! I had to chuckle recently when she thought that a "normal" involvement with this same teen was to offer to pay for his driving school so that then he'd be "obliged" (her words) to drive her around. He refused and she cannot understand why.

I posted this before, but boomer women saw this behavior modelled by the women older than them. Grandma ruled the day and and everyone was just expected to suck it up. Grandma wasn't interested in what her daughter thought about anything or what she was doing (to be fair, daughter was likely greatly restricted in what she could do in mid-century America), and even less interested in the grandkids, but Grandma sure was interested in making sure she was the center of attention nd everyone listened to what she had to say. The daughters/moms were biding their time until it was their turn to be the family matriarch--and they could then act as their mothers did and everyone who bow to them. Our moms and MILs saw this and internalized it.

And then the world changed dramatically. Gen Xers and older Millennials had no intention of continuing these patterns. But our moms had waited (and waited and waited!) for their time to come and they want their reward, gosh darn it.

I’m surprised this dynamic also happened in the U.S. I thought it was just an Asian/ Indian thing.

It's a bit more subtle, but its definitely a thing. The family social hierarchy is more in your face and openly discussed as normal and how things are in some other cultures, whereas in the US (at least White America), it's there but not so explicitly talked about. Heck, I'm not even sure some people even really understand that's what's going on, but as I said, it's what they've seen modelled for generations and so that's just how they expect things to go. I guarantee my mom and MIL could not articulate it, but it's very much there. They can't tell you why they're upset that their grown children refuse to play the role of dutifully obedient adult child who patiently listens to their gossip about meaningless things, just that they're upset.

Sometimes I feel bad for them. The rug basically got pulled out from under them. They're navigating major social change with few (if any) examples. From a young age, they saw the prize, biding their time, just as their own mothers did. They want their prize, and they have no idea how to have meaningful two-way relationships with their adult children because they never saw meaningful two-way relationships between a parent and adult child--they literally don't know how to do it. They know how to be The Matriarch. It's easier to do what you know than to learn something new.

Regarding the bold, none of this is happening in the parents you all are complaining about here--the parents are living their best lives, they are not aware of this "problem" you identified and don't recognize it, and ignore you all when you try to bring it up because it is an absurdity. You all, the kids are "upset" and looking for some kind of prize, but you think that just because you are upset, that becomes an emergency and others are upset. No, it doesn't work thar way.

You've been super defensive all over this thread and I'm sure it's because you're one of the parents who's been called out by an adult child for your bizarre, undersocialized behavior.

You don't know who I am or what I have posted, but in any event, is this supposed to be a threat? A warning? An admonition? A guilt trip? Who cares! I don't care that you are offended, just like the parents you all are taking about are not concerned with your offense. You use judgy lectures with them, and me, and we don't care.

In many of our cases though, our parents are well-aware of this problem because we've pointed it out to them and followed through with reducing or even ceasing contact due to the fact that they won't change. I understand now that for many of you, it's not so much that you refuse to change but moreso that you are incapable of changing. That makes me have a little more empathy but it doesn't change the fact that I don't wish to continue putting effort into such a relationship.

Like I said, they heard and understood the words come out of your mouth because they speak English just like you, but they have dismissed what you said and go on with their lives happily. You have not caused them distress. Your deciding not to come around has not caused them distress, because who wants to be around someone who thinks I am awful person and subjects me to judgy lectures, and says it is all out of love? That is mentally damaging, when someone presents hate as love, and wise people remove themselves from those who present these way.

So again, we and the parents do not care.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think this has nothing to do with age. If one thinks of it, people who behave in this way have always done so. They're usually also people who don't have many friends (if any) and are socially awkward. They don't know how to have a two-way conversation. They usually also never figure out when their kids have grown up, have their own agency, and should be treated as peers rather than a 5-year-old. They talk AT people. They also think that their kids/grandkids HAVE to listen to them, no matter what (anybody unrelated to them has disappeared long ago). For some reason, there are a lot of women like this in our parents generation (boomers). My mom and MIL are like this. When I call my mom, she literally asks me why I'm not more interested in her life -- i.e. gossip about people I don't know. In her ideal, everybody should be interested in her and she should sit like a queen on a throne and be peppered with attention. It doesn't even occur to her to be interested in others. She doesn't know anything about me or my kids, nor my brother or his kids. Never been to any school plays or sports games. I once asked her why she's never been to brother's son's soccer games (he plays at a high level). She was surprised: what would I do there?! I had to chuckle recently when she thought that a "normal" involvement with this same teen was to offer to pay for his driving school so that then he'd be "obliged" (her words) to drive her around. He refused and she cannot understand why.

I posted this before, but boomer women saw this behavior modelled by the women older than them. Grandma ruled the day and and everyone was just expected to suck it up. Grandma wasn't interested in what her daughter thought about anything or what she was doing (to be fair, daughter was likely greatly restricted in what she could do in mid-century America), and even less interested in the grandkids, but Grandma sure was interested in making sure she was the center of attention nd everyone listened to what she had to say. The daughters/moms were biding their time until it was their turn to be the family matriarch--and they could then act as their mothers did and everyone who bow to them. Our moms and MILs saw this and internalized it.

And then the world changed dramatically. Gen Xers and older Millennials had no intention of continuing these patterns. But our moms had waited (and waited and waited!) for their time to come and they want their reward, gosh darn it.

I’m surprised this dynamic also happened in the U.S. I thought it was just an Asian/ Indian thing.

It's a bit more subtle, but its definitely a thing. The family social hierarchy is more in your face and openly discussed as normal and how things are in some other cultures, whereas in the US (at least White America), it's there but not so explicitly talked about. Heck, I'm not even sure some people even really understand that's what's going on, but as I said, it's what they've seen modelled for generations and so that's just how they expect things to go. I guarantee my mom and MIL could not articulate it, but it's very much there. They can't tell you why they're upset that their grown children refuse to play the role of dutifully obedient adult child who patiently listens to their gossip about meaningless things, just that they're upset.

Sometimes I feel bad for them. The rug basically got pulled out from under them. They're navigating major social change with few (if any) examples. From a young age, they saw the prize, biding their time, just as their own mothers did. They want their prize, and they have no idea how to have meaningful two-way relationships with their adult children because they never saw meaningful two-way relationships between a parent and adult child--they literally don't know how to do it. They know how to be The Matriarch. It's easier to do what you know than to learn something new.

Regarding the bold, none of this is happening in the parents you all are complaining about here--the parents are living their best lives, they are not aware of this "problem" you identified and don't recognize it, and ignore you all when you try to bring it up because it is an absurdity. You all, the kids are "upset" and looking for some kind of prize, but you think that just because you are upset, that becomes an emergency and others are upset. No, it doesn't work thar way.

You've been super defensive all over this thread and I'm sure it's because you're one of the parents who's been called out by an adult child for your bizarre, undersocialized behavior.

You don't know who I am or what I have posted, but in any event, is this supposed to be a threat? A warning? An admonition? A guilt trip? Who cares! I don't care that you are offended, just like the parents you all are taking about are not concerned with your offense. You use judgy lectures with them, and me, and we don't care.

In many of our cases though, our parents are well-aware of this problem because we've pointed it out to them and followed through with reducing or even ceasing contact due to the fact that they won't change. I understand now that for many of you, it's not so much that you refuse to change but moreso that you are incapable of changing. That makes me have a little more empathy but it doesn't change the fact that I don't wish to continue putting effort into such a relationship.

Like I said, they heard and understood the words come out of your mouth because they speak English just like you, but they have dismissed what you said and go on with their lives happily. You have not caused them distress. Your deciding not to come around has not caused them distress, because who wants to be around someone who thinks I am awful person and subjects me to judgy lectures, and says it is all out of love? That is mentally damaging, when someone presents hate as love, and wise people remove themselves from those who present these way.

So again, we and the parents do not care.

I do know what you've posted because your writing style and phrasing is easily identifiable and you've repeated similar things in multiple replies on this thread. For someone who doesn't care, you sure are replying a whole lot and trying to justify this behavior. You certainly aren't posting like someone who isn't distressed or is "going about their life happily". Sincerely, I hope you get the help that you need and that any of your children who you've harmed with your behavior are able to find peace.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think this has nothing to do with age. If one thinks of it, people who behave in this way have always done so. They're usually also people who don't have many friends (if any) and are socially awkward. They don't know how to have a two-way conversation. They usually also never figure out when their kids have grown up, have their own agency, and should be treated as peers rather than a 5-year-old. They talk AT people. They also think that their kids/grandkids HAVE to listen to them, no matter what (anybody unrelated to them has disappeared long ago). For some reason, there are a lot of women like this in our parents generation (boomers). My mom and MIL are like this. When I call my mom, she literally asks me why I'm not more interested in her life -- i.e. gossip about people I don't know. In her ideal, everybody should be interested in her and she should sit like a queen on a throne and be peppered with attention. It doesn't even occur to her to be interested in others. She doesn't know anything about me or my kids, nor my brother or his kids. Never been to any school plays or sports games. I once asked her why she's never been to brother's son's soccer games (he plays at a high level). She was surprised: what would I do there?! I had to chuckle recently when she thought that a "normal" involvement with this same teen was to offer to pay for his driving school so that then he'd be "obliged" (her words) to drive her around. He refused and she cannot understand why.

I posted this before, but boomer women saw this behavior modelled by the women older than them. Grandma ruled the day and and everyone was just expected to suck it up. Grandma wasn't interested in what her daughter thought about anything or what she was doing (to be fair, daughter was likely greatly restricted in what she could do in mid-century America), and even less interested in the grandkids, but Grandma sure was interested in making sure she was the center of attention nd everyone listened to what she had to say. The daughters/moms were biding their time until it was their turn to be the family matriarch--and they could then act as their mothers did and everyone who bow to them. Our moms and MILs saw this and internalized it.

And then the world changed dramatically. Gen Xers and older Millennials had no intention of continuing these patterns. But our moms had waited (and waited and waited!) for their time to come and they want their reward, gosh darn it.

I’m surprised this dynamic also happened in the U.S. I thought it was just an Asian/ Indian thing.

It's a bit more subtle, but its definitely a thing. The family social hierarchy is more in your face and openly discussed as normal and how things are in some other cultures, whereas in the US (at least White America), it's there but not so explicitly talked about. Heck, I'm not even sure some people even really understand that's what's going on, but as I said, it's what they've seen modelled for generations and so that's just how they expect things to go. I guarantee my mom and MIL could not articulate it, but it's very much there. They can't tell you why they're upset that their grown children refuse to play the role of dutifully obedient adult child who patiently listens to their gossip about meaningless things, just that they're upset.

Sometimes I feel bad for them. The rug basically got pulled out from under them. They're navigating major social change with few (if any) examples. From a young age, they saw the prize, biding their time, just as their own mothers did. They want their prize, and they have no idea how to have meaningful two-way relationships with their adult children because they never saw meaningful two-way relationships between a parent and adult child--they literally don't know how to do it. They know how to be The Matriarch. It's easier to do what you know than to learn something new.

Regarding the bold, none of this is happening in the parents you all are complaining about here--the parents are living their best lives, they are not aware of this "problem" you identified and don't recognize it, and ignore you all when you try to bring it up because it is an absurdity. You all, the kids are "upset" and looking for some kind of prize, but you think that just because you are upset, that becomes an emergency and others are upset. No, it doesn't work thar way.

You've been super defensive all over this thread and I'm sure it's because you're one of the parents who's been called out by an adult child for your bizarre, undersocialized behavior.

You don't know who I am or what I have posted, but in any event, is this supposed to be a threat? A warning? An admonition? A guilt trip? Who cares! I don't care that you are offended, just like the parents you all are taking about are not concerned with your offense. You use judgy lectures with them, and me, and we don't care.

In many of our cases though, our parents are well-aware of this problem because we've pointed it out to them and followed through with reducing or even ceasing contact due to the fact that they won't change. I understand now that for many of you, it's not so much that you refuse to change but moreso that you are incapable of changing. That makes me have a little more empathy but it doesn't change the fact that I don't wish to continue putting effort into such a relationship.

Like I said, they heard and understood the words come out of your mouth because they speak English just like you, but they have dismissed what you said and go on with their lives happily. You have not caused them distress. Your deciding not to come around has not caused them distress, because who wants to be around someone who thinks I am awful person and subjects me to judgy lectures, and says it is all out of love? That is mentally damaging, when someone presents hate as love, and wise people remove themselves from those who present these way.

So again, we and the parents do not care.

I do know what you've posted because your writing style and phrasing is easily identifiable and you've repeated similar things in multiple replies on this thread. For someone who doesn't care, you sure are replying a whole lot and trying to justify this behavior. You certainly aren't posting like someone who isn't distressed or is "going about their life happily". Sincerely, I hope you get the help that you need and that any of your children who you've harmed with your behavior are able to find peace.

The only people who are distressed are the one here who can't force another being to use words in the way they want, who can't control people like puppets.

No one is justifying anything. You are just being told the truth.

And the whole "I know who you are poster" act is pointless. Just like you can't force your parents to use the words you want them to use, and you can't force them to care that you don't like them, you can't force anyone here to shut up. You have no power over no one’s word, emotions, or actions. Clever insults delivered with smiles, passive aggressive guilt tripping doesn't work. Nothing does.

If you are so desperate that you see all of my saying this as the attention you crave, my being put in my place by you, instead of a reality check, stay in that delusion.

[Anonymous]

I just wanted to say thanks to the poster who pointed out the dynamics that has been going on with old women over the generations. It made me think about this and other things. The big problem now with cell phones is that everybody is seemingly available, and constant demands from extended family are overly exhausting. I think people are over one-sided interactions. Maybe this worked when grandma came to visit once a month, not to be heard from in-between, but current expectations are completely unrealistic. Younger generation doesn't pick up their phones for a reason, there's no emergency, and nobody wants to listen to a monologue. Text messaging solves this problem, which is probably why the older generation doesn't like it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think this has nothing to do with age. If one thinks of it, people who behave in this way have always done so. They're usually also people who don't have many friends (if any) and are socially awkward. They don't know how to have a two-way conversation. They usually also never figure out when their kids have grown up, have their own agency, and should be treated as peers rather than a 5-year-old. They talk AT people. They also think that their kids/grandkids HAVE to listen to them, no matter what (anybody unrelated to them has disappeared long ago). For some reason, there are a lot of women like this in our parents generation (boomers). My mom and MIL are like this. When I call my mom, she literally asks me why I'm not more interested in her life -- i.e. gossip about people I don't know. In her ideal, everybody should be interested in her and she should sit like a queen on a throne and be peppered with attention. It doesn't even occur to her to be interested in others. She doesn't know anything about me or my kids, nor my brother or his kids. Never been to any school plays or sports games. I once asked her why she's never been to brother's son's soccer games (he plays at a high level). She was surprised: what would I do there?! I had to chuckle recently when she thought that a "normal" involvement with this same teen was to offer to pay for his driving school so that then he'd be "obliged" (her words) to drive her around. He refused and she cannot understand why.

I posted this before, but boomer women saw this behavior modelled by the women older than them. Grandma ruled the day and and everyone was just expected to suck it up. Grandma wasn't interested in what her daughter thought about anything or what she was doing (to be fair, daughter was likely greatly restricted in what she could do in mid-century America), and even less interested in the grandkids, but Grandma sure was interested in making sure she was the center of attention nd everyone listened to what she had to say. The daughters/moms were biding their time until it was their turn to be the family matriarch--and they could then act as their mothers did and everyone who bow to them. Our moms and MILs saw this and internalized it.

And then the world changed dramatically. Gen Xers and older Millennials had no intention of continuing these patterns. But our moms had waited (and waited and waited!) for their time to come and they want their reward, gosh darn it.

I’m surprised this dynamic also happened in the U.S. I thought it was just an Asian/ Indian thing.

It's a bit more subtle, but its definitely a thing. The family social hierarchy is more in your face and openly discussed as normal and how things are in some other cultures, whereas in the US (at least White America), it's there but not so explicitly talked about. Heck, I'm not even sure some people even really understand that's what's going on, but as I said, it's what they've seen modelled for generations and so that's just how they expect things to go. I guarantee my mom and MIL could not articulate it, but it's very much there. They can't tell you why they're upset that their grown children refuse to play the role of dutifully obedient adult child who patiently listens to their gossip about meaningless things, just that they're upset.

Sometimes I feel bad for them. The rug basically got pulled out from under them. They're navigating major social change with few (if any) examples. From a young age, they saw the prize, biding their time, just as their own mothers did. They want their prize, and they have no idea how to have meaningful two-way relationships with their adult children because they never saw meaningful two-way relationships between a parent and adult child--they literally don't know how to do it. They know how to be The Matriarch. It's easier to do what you know than to learn something new.

Regarding the bold, none of this is happening in the parents you all are complaining about here--the parents are living their best lives, they are not aware of this "problem" you identified and don't recognize it, and ignore you all when you try to bring it up because it is an absurdity. You all, the kids are "upset" and looking for some kind of prize, but you think that just because you are upset, that becomes an emergency and others are upset. No, it doesn't work thar way.

You've been super defensive all over this thread and I'm sure it's because you're one of the parents who's been called out by an adult child for your bizarre, undersocialized behavior.

You don't know who I am or what I have posted, but in any event, is this supposed to be a threat? A warning? An admonition? A guilt trip? Who cares! I don't care that you are offended, just like the parents you all are taking about are not concerned with your offense. You use judgy lectures with them, and me, and we don't care.

In many of our cases though, our parents are well-aware of this problem because we've pointed it out to them and followed through with reducing or even ceasing contact due to the fact that they won't change. I understand now that for many of you, it's not so much that you refuse to change but moreso that you are incapable of changing. That makes me have a little more empathy but it doesn't change the fact that I don't wish to continue putting effort into such a relationship.

Like I said, they heard and understood the words come out of your mouth because they speak English just like you, but they have dismissed what you said and go on with their lives happily. You have not caused them distress. Your deciding not to come around has not caused them distress, because who wants to be around someone who thinks I am awful person and subjects me to judgy lectures, and says it is all out of love? That is mentally damaging, when someone presents hate as love, and wise people remove themselves from those who present these way.

So again, we and the parents do not care.

Truth!

[Anonymous]

I have similar dynamics with my older parents who are late 70s.

It’s a combination of my mom just wanting to talk and talk and talk and I guess have someone listen which is fine because I do think they’re a bit lonely. The other issue is that when I do tell them things, it is often turned against me and it just gets awkward and uncomfortable.

For example, I’ll mention something innocuous like DD has a soccer game Saturday. My mom will say something like oh she still doing that? You know I was just reading in the paper how there are increasing head injuries from soccer and you really need to be careful… And she will go on a tangent about that.

Even just little things about our routine - like the middle schoolers in our neighborhood all walk to school because it’s just a few blocks away and it’s very safe. And it really bothers my parents sometimes. They think absolutely everything is a safety issue.

Or my older DD’s college search. We will mention a college and my mom will criticize it - it’s too big, why does she want a school that big? I don’t think she’ll like that school. Um okay. And then we’ll mention a smaller school, and she’ll pick that apart.

It just makes it really uncomfortable to talk with them sometimes. We stick to short visits and let my mom do a lot of the talking.

The crazy thing is I 100% know she doesn’t think she’s looped in on our lives and would want to know more. It’s exhausting! And like others, it never used to be like this when they were younger. They were much easier to talk to. It’s been a big warning for me to try to avoid that if I can.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Interesting. Both of my grandmas were the matriarchs indeed as well, but they were, I don't know how to say it, GOOD matriarchs. My FOO is in Europe and both grandpas died during WWII, so the grandmas had to manage by themselves and were very resourceful. It was a very difficult time for them. Both grandmas were reasonable, loving, and always had good advice to give. It's more of like a person enters the room and they're respected, such were my grandmas. My mom and MIL on the other hand don't fill these shoes at all. It's as if they lack the personality, wisdom, and indeed the emotional maturity that is required. I can never imagine either of my grandmas behaving in the way I've seen my mom and MIL behave.

I find a lot of truth in this. Our great grandma was so accepting and loving, and gave awesome advice (when asked). Current situation is a mom and a MIL who have a “me me me!” mindset about everything. It’s like babysitting a toddler - I put so much effort in trying not to upset them and keeping them distracted if they don’t get their way.

[Anonymous]

PP and a few thoughts just after visiting my ILs this weekend. I earnestly tried to share some interesting stories, engage them in normal, idle chitchat.

My FIL asked me a follow up question but dropped in a personal criticism - after hearing I did a solo road trip, asked only if I ever get carsick on all of those winding roads. Like that’s your takeaway?

MIL asked me to describe said road trip/vacation in “just one word” [and then shut up] so she could talk about herself.

Neither even try to feign interest nor attempt to keep up their end of the conversation.

Literally leaving and MIL said to me, “we really need to do lunch.” I’ve turned over her request to DH - they can begin to have lunch dates, just the two of them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:PP and a few thoughts just after visiting my ILs this weekend. I earnestly tried to share some interesting stories, engage them in normal, idle chitchat.

My FIL asked me a follow up question but dropped in a personal criticism - after hearing I did a solo road trip, asked only if I ever get carsick on all of those winding roads. Like that’s your takeaway?

MIL asked me to describe said road trip/vacation in “just one word” [and then shut up] so she could talk about herself.

Neither even try to feign interest nor attempt to keep up their end of the conversation.

Literally leaving and MIL said to me, “we really need to do lunch.” I’ve turned over her request to DH - they can begin to have lunch dates, just the two of them.

Anyone can sense when someone is "trying hard" and it comes across as needy and yes, contemptful, as if you are just waiting with baited breath to see if they are "gosh just going to do right this time!" Also, the FIL didn't criticize you. Obviously you wanted a different response but that is not how humanity works, we can orchestrate what other people say. If this is your expectation everyone will disappoint you, and you are waiting around for everyone to be just a little bit better, to try harder, to not be avoidant--I assume this is your thought process.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:PP and a few thoughts just after visiting my ILs this weekend. I earnestly tried to share some interesting stories, engage them in normal, idle chitchat.

My FIL asked me a follow up question but dropped in a personal criticism - after hearing I did a solo road trip, asked only if I ever get carsick on all of those winding roads. Like that’s your takeaway?

MIL asked me to describe said road trip/vacation in “just one word” [and then shut up] so she could talk about herself.

Neither even try to feign interest nor attempt to keep up their end of the conversation.

Literally leaving and MIL said to me, “we really need to do lunch.” I’ve turned over her request to DH - they can begin to have lunch dates, just the two of them.

Anyone can sense when someone is "trying hard" and it comes across as needy and yes, contemptful, as if you are just waiting with baited breath to see if they are "gosh just going to do right this time!" Also, the FIL didn't criticize you. Obviously you wanted a different response but that is not how humanity works, we can orchestrate what other people say. If this is your expectation everyone will disappoint you, and you are waiting around for everyone to be just a little bit better, to try harder, to not be avoidant--I assume this is your thought process.

PP and although I disagree I would
love to know how you’d handle this and would you be excited to start a lunch date tradition with someone who is generally disinterested in your life?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Fresh off of Easter and realizing my parents ask virtually zero questions about our (me, DH and DC’s) lives. We were together for 5 hours and there wasn’t a single question. We are potentially considering some big life changes (moving, job changes, etc) but they would have no clue. And before you say, “just tell them” I can’t. My mom in particular just talks at everyone about herself the entire time. It’s impossible to get a word in edge-wise. I feel like this is so bizarre and getting worse over time.

It’s mind boggling to me to not be interested in your child’s life. Anyone else experiencing this?

My mother is like this. The only time she expresses an interest is when she gets embarrassed when her friends ask about us and she knows absolutely nothing about us. Then she blames us and gets angry we don't share. She doesn't listen the rare time we do. With age she has gotten even more self-involved (entitled and rude too, but that's another post). Phone conversations became a running monologue and you can't get a word in edgewise. Her moods swing more too (screened for dementia already).

It helped me to read the book that everyone here suggests called something like....Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents. I no longer expect an actual relationship. I just try to be relational. I meet her where she is-limited. I have boundaries. I don't expect her to show any interest in us or to be emotional support. The rare time she tries to show interest or be emotionally supportive it turns into her needing me to soothe her anxiety so it just makes things worse and more exhausting. I keep conversations superficial and light. She's emotionally volatile and self-centered and goes through phases where she becomes consumed with feeling we aren't doing enough for her. Then she becomes enraged and stops talking to us. Those breaks are so welcome and peaceful. We have a tremendous amount of stress (illness, government job instability, etc) and during those breaks I don't have the burden of being her emotional pacifier or wondering when the next fit is coming.

[Anonymous]

Interesting backstory is long ago I lamented to DH that his parents never seem to remember basic details about my family of origin, major events of our friends (divorce, death, child loss) and even less about DC beyond the sparest facts. To this, DH said, “I do not expect my parents to follow this level of detail - that’s a lot to keep track of.” At the time my ILs were in their 60s and lived 20 minutes away at the other end of our city.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:PP and a few thoughts just after visiting my ILs this weekend. I earnestly tried to share some interesting stories, engage them in normal, idle chitchat.

My FIL asked me a follow up question but dropped in a personal criticism - after hearing I did a solo road trip, asked only if I ever get carsick on all of those winding roads. Like that’s your takeaway?

MIL asked me to describe said road trip/vacation in “just one word” [and then shut up] so she could talk about herself.

Neither even try to feign interest nor attempt to keep up their end of the conversation.

Literally leaving and MIL said to me, “we really need to do lunch.” I’ve turned over her request to DH - they can begin to have lunch dates, just the two of them.

Anyone can sense when someone is "trying hard" and it comes across as needy and yes, contemptful, as if you are just waiting with baited breath to see if they are "gosh just going to do right this time!" Also, the FIL didn't criticize you. Obviously you wanted a different response but that is not how humanity works, we can orchestrate what other people say. If this is your expectation everyone will disappoint you, and you are waiting around for everyone to be just a little bit better, to try harder, to not be avoidant--I assume this is your thought process.

PP and although I disagree I would
love to know how you’d handle this and would you be excited to start a lunch date tradition with someone who is generally disinterested in your life?

I am lost if you disagree why are you asking advice on how to handle, there is a contradiction here.