Parents never ask questions about our lives

[Anonymous]

It's been really eye opening seeing some of the posters in this thread trying to justify this behavior or even turning the tables on people who are pointing out that it's kind of abnormal to have parents who show zero interest in you or your life and never ask any questions.

And for the people saying that this is just normal old people behavior, it's not. My mother is in her 60s and never asks a single question, makes no attempt to know me or my family, and turns every conversation into being about her. My in-laws on the other hand are in their 70s and do not behave this way and are capable of having normal conversations and relationships with some give and take.

For anyone who can relate to this, I recommend the book Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’ve never seen so many people look for the most minute reason to complain about their parents or ILs.

My parents don’t ask about my life wah wah wah, I can’t tolerate this, they are terrible humans!! 🙄

You’re missing the point, PP.

ILs who behave like this are truly self-focused and uncaring. I said it’s isolating. Part of being in any relationship is establishing some level of connection and bonus if you can find something in common.

Very telling that my colleagues of five years know more about me than my own local ILs.

I am a kind, gregarious, warm and engaging person in a social services field. It’s literally my job to be helpful, patient and an active listener. Proud to say that I have a gift for developing a rapport with even the most challenging personalities who tend to open up to me and tell me their life stories. So I’m that person. I have lifelong friendships.

But around my ILs, I’m reduced to a woman of very few words - a shell of myself. They do all the talking and none of the listening. They have zero tolerance for basic two way conversations and certainly not for “stories” or even idle chit chat.

The point SHOULD be that this kind of behavior is NOT age-based nor limited to those who are parents. That's the problem with stereotyping.

We have a younger family member who is in their 30s and has never, not once, asked my DH or I anything about our lives. It's been this way for years. We thought it was something the person would outgrow but the self-absorption needle has never moved, despite their own marriage and kids.

When we visit we ask them about their work, activities, friends, children, health issues, extended family members, household repairs/updates, even pets ... and we get long monologues in response to those questions.

Yet we are never asked about those same topics and in fact, are never asked anything. It is completely a one-sided conversation and has been this way since this person was a young teen. At that time, we thought it was a typical teen phase and believed it would wane upon maturity. It hasn't.

Last time we visited they didn't even ask about my DH's recent surgery and they themselves are in the health care industry. You think they'd at least have shown a bit of empathy and asked how he was doing. Same with deaths in my family - not a word of condolence, not a single question nor any signs empathy.

That's behavior coming from someone in their 30s.

Not to excuse this behavior at all but I have relatives and in-laws in their 30s who behave exactly as you described and they have autism. Theirs would be considered "high functioning" autism because they have professional jobs and live independently and if you didn't know any better, you would just think that they were self-centered, narcissistic jerks.

[Anonymous]

Chiming in kind of late and I don't know if this has already been covered, but I complained about my mom being uninterested in me and my kids for several years and then she was diagnosed with dementia. I think that she may have avoided asking a lot of questions about our family because she honestly had my girls confused, and she had my kids and my sister's kids confused and she had ten grandchildren and had trouble keeping track of who was who. I thought she was just extremely self-centered when she wouldn't ask how our vacation went, etc. but now I wonder if she just couldn't remember who had gone on vacation and where they went etc. and so she just talked about herself instead.

[Anonymous]

Op i could have wrote this myself. My mother is an alcoholic and a narcissist. That's how she acts like you described. She got mad that I didnt remember he favorite color (she changed it) but didn't know im legally blind!!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's been really eye opening seeing some of the posters in this thread trying to justify this behavior or even turning the tables on people who are pointing out that it's kind of abnormal to have parents who show zero interest in you or your life and never ask any questions.

And for the people saying that this is just normal old people behavior, it's not. My mother is in her 60s and never asks a single question, makes no attempt to know me or my family, and turns every conversation into being about her. My in-laws on the other hand are in their 70s and do not behave this way and are capable of having normal conversations and relationships with some give and take.

For anyone who can relate to this, I recommend the book Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents.

Op here. 100% out of my mom, dad and in laws, my mom is the youngest by far and the absolute worst. My dad also barely shows interest in me, but he doesn’t talk incessantly about himself, so it’s more bearable. My in laws are the oldest by a good bit and don’t act like this. My father in law can barely hear and still asks tons of questions.

[Anonymous]

Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents is so helpful— it’s like a bible for putting your finger on “ I don’t know what’s wrong with my family, but I always feel so exhausted and drained when I deal with them”.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think this has nothing to do with age. If one thinks of it, people who behave in this way have always done so. They're usually also people who don't have many friends (if any) and are socially awkward. They don't know how to have a two-way conversation. They usually also never figure out when their kids have grown up, have their own agency, and should be treated as peers rather than a 5-year-old. They talk AT people. They also think that their kids/grandkids HAVE to listen to them, no matter what (anybody unrelated to them has disappeared long ago). For some reason, there are a lot of women like this in our parents generation (boomers). My mom and MIL are like this. When I call my mom, she literally asks me why I'm not more interested in her life -- i.e. gossip about people I don't know. In her ideal, everybody should be interested in her and she should sit like a queen on a throne and be peppered with attention. It doesn't even occur to her to be interested in others. She doesn't know anything about me or my kids, nor my brother or his kids. Never been to any school plays or sports games. I once asked her why she's never been to brother's son's soccer games (he plays at a high level). She was surprised: what would I do there?! I had to chuckle recently when she thought that a "normal" involvement with this same teen was to offer to pay for his driving school so that then he'd be "obliged" (her words) to drive her around. He refused and she cannot understand why.

I posted this before, but boomer women saw this behavior modelled by the women older than them. Grandma ruled the day and and everyone was just expected to suck it up. Grandma wasn't interested in what her daughter thought about anything or what she was doing (to be fair, daughter was likely greatly restricted in what she could do in mid-century America), and even less interested in the grandkids, but Grandma sure was interested in making sure she was the center of attention nd everyone listened to what she had to say. The daughters/moms were biding their time until it was their turn to be the family matriarch--and they could then act as their mothers did and everyone who bow to them. Our moms and MILs saw this and internalized it.

And then the world changed dramatically. Gen Xers and older Millennials had no intention of continuing these patterns. But our moms had waited (and waited and waited!) for their time to come and they want their reward, gosh darn it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think this has nothing to do with age. If one thinks of it, people who behave in this way have always done so. They're usually also people who don't have many friends (if any) and are socially awkward. They don't know how to have a two-way conversation. They usually also never figure out when their kids have grown up, have their own agency, and should be treated as peers rather than a 5-year-old. They talk AT people. They also think that their kids/grandkids HAVE to listen to them, no matter what (anybody unrelated to them has disappeared long ago). For some reason, there are a lot of women like this in our parents generation (boomers). My mom and MIL are like this. When I call my mom, she literally asks me why I'm not more interested in her life -- i.e. gossip about people I don't know. In her ideal, everybody should be interested in her and she should sit like a queen on a throne and be peppered with attention. It doesn't even occur to her to be interested in others. She doesn't know anything about me or my kids, nor my brother or his kids. Never been to any school plays or sports games. I once asked her why she's never been to brother's son's soccer games (he plays at a high level). She was surprised: what would I do there?! I had to chuckle recently when she thought that a "normal" involvement with this same teen was to offer to pay for his driving school so that then he'd be "obliged" (her words) to drive her around. He refused and she cannot understand why.

I posted this before, but boomer women saw this behavior modelled by the women older than them. Grandma ruled the day and and everyone was just expected to suck it up. Grandma wasn't interested in what her daughter thought about anything or what she was doing (to be fair, daughter was likely greatly restricted in what she could do in mid-century America), and even less interested in the grandkids, but Grandma sure was interested in making sure she was the center of attention nd everyone listened to what she had to say. The daughters/moms were biding their time until it was their turn to be the family matriarch--and they could then act as their mothers did and everyone who bow to them. Our moms and MILs saw this and internalized it.

And then the world changed dramatically. Gen Xers and older Millennials had no intention of continuing these patterns. But our moms had waited (and waited and waited!) for their time to come and they want their reward, gosh darn it.

This is absolutely true. My mother even articulated it once to me after experiencing poor customer service. "I'm an old lady now and I expect people to be EXTRA accommodating to me. That's how things were when I was young. Old ladies were top of the heap." We bowed and scraped to my grandma when she came to our house! She got the best chair, slippers, we put on her favorite music, and I had to fetch her cocktail. I'll admit I don't do that for mom or MIL!

[Anonymous]

Interesting. Both of my grandmas were the matriarchs indeed as well, but they were, I don't know how to say it, GOOD matriarchs. My FOO is in Europe and both grandpas died during WWII, so the grandmas had to manage by themselves and were very resourceful. It was a very difficult time for them. Both grandmas were reasonable, loving, and always had good advice to give. It's more of like a person enters the room and they're respected, such were my grandmas. My mom and MIL on the other hand don't fill these shoes at all. It's as if they lack the personality, wisdom, and indeed the emotional maturity that is required. I can never imagine either of my grandmas behaving in the way I've seen my mom and MIL behave.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think this has nothing to do with age. If one thinks of it, people who behave in this way have always done so. They're usually also people who don't have many friends (if any) and are socially awkward. They don't know how to have a two-way conversation. They usually also never figure out when their kids have grown up, have their own agency, and should be treated as peers rather than a 5-year-old. They talk AT people. They also think that their kids/grandkids HAVE to listen to them, no matter what (anybody unrelated to them has disappeared long ago). For some reason, there are a lot of women like this in our parents generation (boomers). My mom and MIL are like this. When I call my mom, she literally asks me why I'm not more interested in her life -- i.e. gossip about people I don't know. In her ideal, everybody should be interested in her and she should sit like a queen on a throne and be peppered with attention. It doesn't even occur to her to be interested in others. She doesn't know anything about me or my kids, nor my brother or his kids. Never been to any school plays or sports games. I once asked her why she's never been to brother's son's soccer games (he plays at a high level). She was surprised: what would I do there?! I had to chuckle recently when she thought that a "normal" involvement with this same teen was to offer to pay for his driving school so that then he'd be "obliged" (her words) to drive her around. He refused and she cannot understand why.

I posted this before, but boomer women saw this behavior modelled by the women older than them. Grandma ruled the day and and everyone was just expected to suck it up. Grandma wasn't interested in what her daughter thought about anything or what she was doing (to be fair, daughter was likely greatly restricted in what she could do in mid-century America), and even less interested in the grandkids, but Grandma sure was interested in making sure she was the center of attention nd everyone listened to what she had to say. The daughters/moms were biding their time until it was their turn to be the family matriarch--and they could then act as their mothers did and everyone who bow to them. Our moms and MILs saw this and internalized it.

And then the world changed dramatically. Gen Xers and older Millennials had no intention of continuing these patterns. But our moms had waited (and waited and waited!) for their time to come and they want their reward, gosh darn it.

I’m surprised this dynamic also happened in the U.S. I thought it was just an Asian/ Indian thing.

[Anonymous]

I'm the European PP and wanted to add that my grandmas were also interested in grandkids. Tbh, one of them had 25+ grandkids and was not as involved as nowadays expected, but always lent an ear; but the other one had 4 and always had presents and activities for us. I still remember when I visited, she had a pile of like 20 different chocolates for me, and another for my brother, just for fun. She worked as a midwife and loved little kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think this has nothing to do with age. If one thinks of it, people who behave in this way have always done so. They're usually also people who don't have many friends (if any) and are socially awkward. They don't know how to have a two-way conversation. They usually also never figure out when their kids have grown up, have their own agency, and should be treated as peers rather than a 5-year-old. They talk AT people. They also think that their kids/grandkids HAVE to listen to them, no matter what (anybody unrelated to them has disappeared long ago). For some reason, there are a lot of women like this in our parents generation (boomers). My mom and MIL are like this. When I call my mom, she literally asks me why I'm not more interested in her life -- i.e. gossip about people I don't know. In her ideal, everybody should be interested in her and she should sit like a queen on a throne and be peppered with attention. It doesn't even occur to her to be interested in others. She doesn't know anything about me or my kids, nor my brother or his kids. Never been to any school plays or sports games. I once asked her why she's never been to brother's son's soccer games (he plays at a high level). She was surprised: what would I do there?! I had to chuckle recently when she thought that a "normal" involvement with this same teen was to offer to pay for his driving school so that then he'd be "obliged" (her words) to drive her around. He refused and she cannot understand why.

I posted this before, but boomer women saw this behavior modelled by the women older than them. Grandma ruled the day and and everyone was just expected to suck it up. Grandma wasn't interested in what her daughter thought about anything or what she was doing (to be fair, daughter was likely greatly restricted in what she could do in mid-century America), and even less interested in the grandkids, but Grandma sure was interested in making sure she was the center of attention nd everyone listened to what she had to say. The daughters/moms were biding their time until it was their turn to be the family matriarch--and they could then act as their mothers did and everyone who bow to them. Our moms and MILs saw this and internalized it.

And then the world changed dramatically. Gen Xers and older Millennials had no intention of continuing these patterns. But our moms had waited (and waited and waited!) for their time to come and they want their reward, gosh darn it.

I don't think this is it 100% of the time. My grandmother (silent generation) was a saint - very thoughftul, caring, and warm. She always made sure that everyone else was taken care of and was about as far from selfish as a person could be. My boomer mom on the other hand is totally self-centered and only cares about people to the extent that they're of use to her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think this has nothing to do with age. If one thinks of it, people who behave in this way have always done so. They're usually also people who don't have many friends (if any) and are socially awkward. They don't know how to have a two-way conversation. They usually also never figure out when their kids have grown up, have their own agency, and should be treated as peers rather than a 5-year-old. They talk AT people. They also think that their kids/grandkids HAVE to listen to them, no matter what (anybody unrelated to them has disappeared long ago). For some reason, there are a lot of women like this in our parents generation (boomers). My mom and MIL are like this. When I call my mom, she literally asks me why I'm not more interested in her life -- i.e. gossip about people I don't know. In her ideal, everybody should be interested in her and she should sit like a queen on a throne and be peppered with attention. It doesn't even occur to her to be interested in others. She doesn't know anything about me or my kids, nor my brother or his kids. Never been to any school plays or sports games. I once asked her why she's never been to brother's son's soccer games (he plays at a high level). She was surprised: what would I do there?! I had to chuckle recently when she thought that a "normal" involvement with this same teen was to offer to pay for his driving school so that then he'd be "obliged" (her words) to drive her around. He refused and she cannot understand why.

I posted this before, but boomer women saw this behavior modelled by the women older than them. Grandma ruled the day and and everyone was just expected to suck it up. Grandma wasn't interested in what her daughter thought about anything or what she was doing (to be fair, daughter was likely greatly restricted in what she could do in mid-century America), and even less interested in the grandkids, but Grandma sure was interested in making sure she was the center of attention nd everyone listened to what she had to say. The daughters/moms were biding their time until it was their turn to be the family matriarch--and they could then act as their mothers did and everyone who bow to them. Our moms and MILs saw this and internalized it.

And then the world changed dramatically. Gen Xers and older Millennials had no intention of continuing these patterns. But our moms had waited (and waited and waited!) for their time to come and they want their reward, gosh darn it.

Yep! My MIL expects everyone to kiss the ring because it's now her turn. And because she isn't the center of her kids' lives, she ignores them (and the grandkids) completely.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think this has nothing to do with age. If one thinks of it, people who behave in this way have always done so. They're usually also people who don't have many friends (if any) and are socially awkward. They don't know how to have a two-way conversation. They usually also never figure out when their kids have grown up, have their own agency, and should be treated as peers rather than a 5-year-old. They talk AT people. They also think that their kids/grandkids HAVE to listen to them, no matter what (anybody unrelated to them has disappeared long ago). For some reason, there are a lot of women like this in our parents generation (boomers). My mom and MIL are like this. When I call my mom, she literally asks me why I'm not more interested in her life -- i.e. gossip about people I don't know. In her ideal, everybody should be interested in her and she should sit like a queen on a throne and be peppered with attention. It doesn't even occur to her to be interested in others. She doesn't know anything about me or my kids, nor my brother or his kids. Never been to any school plays or sports games. I once asked her why she's never been to brother's son's soccer games (he plays at a high level). She was surprised: what would I do there?! I had to chuckle recently when she thought that a "normal" involvement with this same teen was to offer to pay for his driving school so that then he'd be "obliged" (her words) to drive her around. He refused and she cannot understand why.

I posted this before, but boomer women saw this behavior modelled by the women older than them. Grandma ruled the day and and everyone was just expected to suck it up. Grandma wasn't interested in what her daughter thought about anything or what she was doing (to be fair, daughter was likely greatly restricted in what she could do in mid-century America), and even less interested in the grandkids, but Grandma sure was interested in making sure she was the center of attention nd everyone listened to what she had to say. The daughters/moms were biding their time until it was their turn to be the family matriarch--and they could then act as their mothers did and everyone who bow to them. Our moms and MILs saw this and internalized it.

And then the world changed dramatically. Gen Xers and older Millennials had no intention of continuing these patterns. But our moms had waited (and waited and waited!) for their time to come and they want their reward, gosh darn it.

I’m surprised this dynamic also happened in the U.S. I thought it was just an Asian/ Indian thing.

It's a bit more subtle, but its definitely a thing. The family social hierarchy is more in your face and openly discussed as normal and how things are in some other cultures, whereas in the US (at least White America), it's there but not so explicitly talked about. Heck, I'm not even sure some people even really understand that's what's going on, but as I said, it's what they've seen modelled for generations and so that's just how they expect things to go. I guarantee my mom and MIL could not articulate it, but it's very much there. They can't tell you why they're upset that their grown children refuse to play the role of dutifully obedient adult child who patiently listens to their gossip about meaningless things, just that they're upset.

Sometimes I feel bad for them. The rug basically got pulled out from under them. They're navigating major social change with few (if any) examples. From a young age, they saw the prize, biding their time, just as their own mothers did. They want their prize, and they have no idea how to have meaningful two-way relationships with their adult children because they never saw meaningful two-way relationships between a parent and adult child--they literally don't know how to do it. They know how to be The Matriarch. It's easier to do what you know than to learn something new.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think this has nothing to do with age. If one thinks of it, people who behave in this way have always done so. They're usually also people who don't have many friends (if any) and are socially awkward. They don't know how to have a two-way conversation. They usually also never figure out when their kids have grown up, have their own agency, and should be treated as peers rather than a 5-year-old. They talk AT people. They also think that their kids/grandkids HAVE to listen to them, no matter what (anybody unrelated to them has disappeared long ago). For some reason, there are a lot of women like this in our parents generation (boomers). My mom and MIL are like this. When I call my mom, she literally asks me why I'm not more interested in her life -- i.e. gossip about people I don't know. In her ideal, everybody should be interested in her and she should sit like a queen on a throne and be peppered with attention. It doesn't even occur to her to be interested in others. She doesn't know anything about me or my kids, nor my brother or his kids. Never been to any school plays or sports games. I once asked her why she's never been to brother's son's soccer games (he plays at a high level). She was surprised: what would I do there?! I had to chuckle recently when she thought that a "normal" involvement with this same teen was to offer to pay for his driving school so that then he'd be "obliged" (her words) to drive her around. He refused and she cannot understand why.

I posted this before, but boomer women saw this behavior modelled by the women older than them. Grandma ruled the day and and everyone was just expected to suck it up. Grandma wasn't interested in what her daughter thought about anything or what she was doing (to be fair, daughter was likely greatly restricted in what she could do in mid-century America), and even less interested in the grandkids, but Grandma sure was interested in making sure she was the center of attention nd everyone listened to what she had to say. The daughters/moms were biding their time until it was their turn to be the family matriarch--and they could then act as their mothers did and everyone who bow to them. Our moms and MILs saw this and internalized it.

And then the world changed dramatically. Gen Xers and older Millennials had no intention of continuing these patterns. But our moms had waited (and waited and waited!) for their time to come and they want their reward, gosh darn it.

I don't think this is it 100% of the time. My grandmother (silent generation) was a saint - very thoughftul, caring, and warm. She always made sure that everyone else was taken care of and was about as far from selfish as a person could be. My boomer mom on the other hand is totally self-centered and only cares about people to the extent that they're of use to her.

Nothing is 100% true (expect death; even taxes aren't 100% these days). There are some wonderful, deeply engaged, caring Boomer grandmoms out there, too. But I wanted to point out that there are these longstanding social norms that have been passed down for a lot of people--not every person, but enough--even if they don't fully understand it, and it influences how they act today and they relationships they have with their adult children. And while for us adult children with incredible selfish moms and MILs it can be incredibly frustrating to deal with, maybe we can hold in the back of our minds why they act they way they do and understand its not because they're 100% awful people, but because of these bigger social and cultural norms they grew up in.

Not that that makes dealing with my MIL any easier, I'll be honest, but from a detached intellectual standpoint, I at least understand how she ended up this way.