Parents never ask questions about our lives

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just interrupt by putting your hand on her arm and say "Mom, we're considering moving to Alaska and becoming a whale blubber expert. Can I talk to you about it?"

I have tried and it’s shocking how she will be like “oh nice” and just continue on with her stories. I’ve never seen someone so self absorbed.

Then just accept where she is in life, and realize she's not a person who can provide you with advice about moving or becoming a blubber expert anyway. Seek that from someone else.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just interrupt by putting your hand on her arm and say "Mom, we're considering moving to Alaska and becoming a whale blubber expert. Can I talk to you about it?"

I have tried and it’s shocking how she will be like “oh nice” and just continue on with her stories. I’ve never seen someone so self absorbed.

Sounds like my MIL. And even if she does ask about someone else, she interrupts before they can finish a sentence and she's back to centering herself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just interrupt by putting your hand on her arm and say "Mom, we're considering moving to Alaska and becoming a whale blubber expert. Can I talk to you about it?"

I have tried and it’s shocking how she will be like “oh nice” and just continue on with her stories. I’ve never seen someone so self absorbed.

Sounds like my MIL. And even if she does ask about someone else, she interrupts before they can finish a sentence and she's back to centering herself.

Op here and YES!!

[Anonymous]

My mom is like this. It’s so hard, I feel you op. I’ve always known it was all about her but the nail in the coffin that made me just not care anymore was when my husband was deployed, the kids and I were all having a hard week with him being gone, I dropped the ball on my daughter being student of the week and didn’t bring anything in, sports for the week were chaotic, the house was piling up. I called her crying just to vent and she said “ugh I know how frustrated you are my computer isn’t working!” And kept trying to fix her computer.

I’ve just stopped caring. I don’t call anymore because when I do it’s 30 minutes all about her. My dad on the other hand is great and wants to hear about our lives.

[Anonymous]

Not only do my parents monopolize every conversation, but they spend half of every visit explaining to my high school aged kids that they are totally disinterested in their interests. They endlessly belabor to our kids that this total disinterest is why they never come to any of their games, recitals, awards ceremonies, graduations, or anything else.

[Anonymous]

Oh, look, it’s my in-laws.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Fresh off of Easter and realizing my parents ask virtually zero questions about our (me, DH and DC’s) lives. We were together for 5 hours and there wasn’t a single question. We are potentially considering some big life changes (moving, job changes, etc) but they would have no clue. And before you say, “just tell them” I can’t. My mom in particular just talks at everyone about herself the entire time. It’s impossible to get a word in edge-wise. I feel like this is so bizarre and getting worse over time.

It’s mind boggling to me to not be interested in your child’s life. Anyone else experiencing this?

Not uncommon for old people to become extremely self-absorbed.

[Anonymous]

You have described my mom. I gave up trying to have a normal relationship with her years ago. Her world is filtered only through her own experiences. She lacks true empathy, self awareness, social skills, or the ability to put herself in someone else’s shoes. She now has severe dementia so it’s gotten so much worse.
She has no idea what I do for a living because she has never stopped to ask questions or make an attempt to understand. She sort of knows my title but literally has no clue what I actually do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mom is like this. It’s so hard, I feel you op. I’ve always known it was all about her but the nail in the coffin that made me just not care anymore was when my husband was deployed, the kids and I were all having a hard week with him being gone, I dropped the ball on my daughter being student of the week and didn’t bring anything in, sports for the week were chaotic, the house was piling up. I called her crying just to vent and she said “ugh I know how frustrated you are my computer isn’t working!” And kept trying to fix her computer.

I’ve just stopped caring. I don’t call anymore because when I do it’s 30 minutes all about her. My dad on the other hand is great and wants to hear about our lives.

The common theme I see with these comments is that women are not happy that their parents will not listen to them talk about their problems in their nuclear family (so not involving the "mean" parents), or their kids, or a combination of both. Maybe the parents do not want to get involved, because they were not involved in the life choices that got you to where you are with the problems or or the kids, they had no agency or choice in events, so they feel helpless. Are they just to be a listening ear, with no ability to change things? So yes, you can try phsically accosting them by putting your arm on them to stop them and force them to "hear me!", but is that really what you want to do? "Love me!" as a demand never works.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Also, there are an equal number of complaints from Op's age group that parents ask too many questions, are too nosey or hurt someone's feelings with what is perceived as unsolicited advice.

Op, next visit, ahead of the next visit maybe you email with a friendly update on your news. That way there can be some prep for talking about it.

Sure I could do that, but that kind of defeats the purpose of normal conversation and parents being interested in their own children.

Lots of guilt tripping here. You all are off living your own lives, assumably not living lives with your parents. Hearing "updates" on what people are doing in their separate lives is exhausting and brings on feelings of powerlessness and lack of agency, that actually isn't living a life with someone. Find a way to exist with your parents. Live near them or vist to help them in their daily lives, so you don't have to have the meta talks about separate existences. You would instead have shared experiences. But, if what you really want is help--help making decision, help with childcare, help with marriage tensions, jus say you want help, and they can say yes or no.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Fresh off of Easter and realizing my parents ask virtually zero questions about our (me, DH and DC’s) lives. We were together for 5 hours and there wasn’t a single question. We are potentially considering some big life changes (moving, job changes, etc) but they would have no clue. And before you say, “just tell them” I can’t. My mom in particular just talks at everyone about herself the entire time. It’s impossible to get a word in edge-wise. I feel like this is so bizarre and getting worse over time.

It’s mind boggling to me to not be interested in your child’s life. Anyone else experiencing this?

Not uncommon for old people to become extremely self-absorbed.

I wonder why this happens. Old people have already lost their looks and health, and if they lose their ability to connect to others, what else do they have? Is this evolutionary to prepare them for death?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Also, there are an equal number of complaints from Op's age group that parents ask too many questions, are too nosey or hurt someone's feelings with what is perceived as unsolicited advice.

Op, next visit, ahead of the next visit maybe you email with a friendly update on your news. That way there can be some prep for talking about it.

Sure I could do that, but that kind of defeats the purpose of normal conversation and parents being interested in their own children.

Lots of guilt tripping here. You all are off living your own lives, assumably not living lives with your parents. Hearing "updates" on what people are doing in their separate lives is exhausting and brings on feelings of powerlessness and lack of agency, that actually isn't living a life with someone. Find a way to exist with your parents. Live near them or vist to help them in their daily lives, so you don't have to have the meta talks about separate existences. You would instead have shared experiences. But, if what you really want is help--help making decision, help with childcare, help with marriage tensions, jus say you want help, and they can say yes or no.

NP here. Not a MIL and just a mom of college students, but thank you for your post!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Also, there are an equal number of complaints from Op's age group that parents ask too many questions, are too nosey or hurt someone's feelings with what is perceived as unsolicited advice.

Op, next visit, ahead of the next visit maybe you email with a friendly update on your news. That way there can be some prep for talking about it.

Sure I could do that, but that kind of defeats the purpose of normal conversation and parents being interested in their own children.

Lots of guilt tripping here. You all are off living your own lives, assumably not living lives with your parents. Hearing "updates" on what people are doing in their separate lives is exhausting and brings on feelings of powerlessness and lack of agency, that actually isn't living a life with someone. Find a way to exist with your parents. Live near them or vist to help them in their daily lives, so you don't have to have the meta talks about separate existences. You would instead have shared experiences. But, if what you really want is help--help making decision, help with childcare, help with marriage tensions, jus say you want help, and they can say yes or no.

You’ve obviously never dealt with narcissistic, self involved parents or in laws before.

[Anonymous]

My parents have become like this, especially my mom. She only wants to talk about her various ailments or my siblings. It is something that happens to people as they age and this generation is particularly emotionally stunted. I try not to sweat it.

[Anonymous]

My dad is exactly like this. If he calls me or I call him, he just launches into a monologue about himself, asks zero questions about me or my spouse or kids and if i try to tell him something about us he either interrupts me and changes the subject back to himself or says hmm in a disinterested way and then nothing else. It’s draining. And sad (that he clearly isn’t interested in us). If I ask him a question (like what’s johnnys new job? Where did Sara go on vacation? Etc) about another family member that he has seen more recently than I have, he never knows the answer, showing that he asks no questions about any other people either.