Resentment - impasse over home improvement

[Anonymous]

Needing the latest fashion in a kitchen is weird & wasteful.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:At some point you are going to sell the house and you’d need to upgrade the kitchen and bathrooms to get full value, and not just repainting the cabinets. Many buyers will not want to take on the project so you are limiting the audience. Doing it now will save you money in the long run and you will get to enjoy it. Come up with a redo and timing that is the least disruptive to your living there.

OP here. I know all of this and have said it all repeatedly. Falls on deaf ears. I feel confident that rationale and common sense are on my side. It doesn’t matter - it’s like talking to a brick wall on this subject. He’s perfectly pleasant on other subjects. Funny, a good father. We take vacations, he doesn’t nit pick day to day household spending. But any mention of this and he’s just like “mmm hmmm, that’s nice, but NO.”

What does he value? Say NO to whatever it is he wants to buy or do.

Sadly, he values growing numbers on a balance sheet. He wins, I lose. I do work, but he makes way more. I am by far the primary parent though and handle the mental load, the food planning/shopping/prepping and most of the cleaning.

You’ve capitulated way too easily.

Based on what you shared, it IS about the money. He values investing more than a kitchen.

Which is why you need to get a new job, a second job, etc to fund the renovation.

Who will cook, clean and do all the laundry while I’m at my second job? Your idea sounds nice, but I’m pretty stuck unless I want family life to collapse which I don’t.

You are choosing to be a victim. You're not stuck. You could earn more money to pay for it yourself, but you're choosing not to. Own your choices.

We have the money, 20x over. It’s not as though the money only belongs to him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:At some point you are going to sell the house and you’d need to upgrade the kitchen and bathrooms to get full value, and not just repainting the cabinets. Many buyers will not want to take on the project so you are limiting the audience. Doing it now will save you money in the long run and you will get to enjoy it. Come up with a redo and timing that is the least disruptive to your living there.

OP here. I know all of this and have said it all repeatedly. Falls on deaf ears. I feel confident that rationale and common sense are on my side. It doesn’t matter - it’s like talking to a brick wall on this subject. He’s perfectly pleasant on other subjects. Funny, a good father. We take vacations, he doesn’t nit pick day to day household spending. But any mention of this and he’s just like “mmm hmmm, that’s nice, but NO.”

What does he value? Say NO to whatever it is he wants to buy or do.

Sadly, he values growing numbers on a balance sheet. He wins, I lose. I do work, but he makes way more. I am by far the primary parent though and handle the mental load, the food planning/shopping/prepping and most of the cleaning.

You’ve capitulated way too easily.

Based on what you shared, it IS about the money. He values investing more than a kitchen.

Which is why you need to get a new job, a second job, etc to fund the renovation.

Who will cook, clean and do all the laundry while I’m at my second job? Your idea sounds nice, but I’m pretty stuck unless I want family life to collapse which I don’t.

You are choosing to be a victim. You're not stuck. You could earn more money to pay for it yourself, but you're choosing not to. Own your choices.

We have the money, 20x over. It’s not as though the money only belongs to him.

Then spend it. There is no reason for this post if you believe the above.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:At some point you are going to sell the house and you’d need to upgrade the kitchen and bathrooms to get full value, and not just repainting the cabinets. Many buyers will not want to take on the project so you are limiting the audience. Doing it now will save you money in the long run and you will get to enjoy it. Come up with a redo and timing that is the least disruptive to your living there.

OP here. I know all of this and have said it all repeatedly. Falls on deaf ears. I feel confident that rationale and common sense are on my side. It doesn’t matter - it’s like talking to a brick wall on this subject. He’s perfectly pleasant on other subjects. Funny, a good father. We take vacations, he doesn’t nit pick day to day household spending. But any mention of this and he’s just like “mmm hmmm, that’s nice, but NO.”

What does he value? Say NO to whatever it is he wants to buy or do.

Sadly, he values growing numbers on a balance sheet. He wins, I lose. I do work, but he makes way more. I am by far the primary parent though and handle the mental load, the food planning/shopping/prepping and most of the cleaning.

You’ve capitulated way too easily.

Based on what you shared, it IS about the money. He values investing more than a kitchen.

Which is why you need to get a new job, a second job, etc to fund the renovation.

Who will cook, clean and do all the laundry while I’m at my second job? Your idea sounds nice, but I’m pretty stuck unless I want family life to collapse which I don’t.

You are choosing to be a victim. You're not stuck. You could earn more money to pay for it yourself, but you're choosing not to. Own your choices.

We have the money, 20x over. It’s not as though the money only belongs to him.

Then spend it. There is no reason for this post if you believe the above.

I don’t believe it, it’s true.

BUT it wouldn’t solve my issue that it’s really hurtful to me that he doesn’t value at all that this is important to me. It would just be great if he would say “I don’t understand wanting this, but it’s clearly very important to you so I want you to have it. Let’s keep the budget to X.” Or something like that. It would mean everything to me. Doing it to spite him/in spite of him is not what I want.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. When really pressed he admits we can “afford it” but states that it’s not something he values. When I point out that I value it and my feelings should matter too, he doesn’t really have anything to say to that. And that’s what hurts I think. It’s like how people say the no vote always wins. And he is almost always the no vote. It’s maddening.

And the you say “I need a response to that. If you can’t give me one, then we need marriage counseling. Either we talk clearly about why your opinion carries more weight than mine, or I will start calling therapists tomorrow.”

And then you stick to it. You don’t move on, let it drop, blow over, etc. The ball is in your court and it’s your responsibility to make that appointment. Do it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:At some point you are going to sell the house and you’d need to upgrade the kitchen and bathrooms to get full value, and not just repainting the cabinets. Many buyers will not want to take on the project so you are limiting the audience. Doing it now will save you money in the long run and you will get to enjoy it. Come up with a redo and timing that is the least disruptive to your living there.

OP here. I know all of this and have said it all repeatedly. Falls on deaf ears. I feel confident that rationale and common sense are on my side. It doesn’t matter - it’s like talking to a brick wall on this subject. He’s perfectly pleasant on other subjects. Funny, a good father. We take vacations, he doesn’t nit pick day to day household spending. But any mention of this and he’s just like “mmm hmmm, that’s nice, but NO.”

What does he value? Say NO to whatever it is he wants to buy or do.

Sadly, he values growing numbers on a balance sheet. He wins, I lose. I do work, but he makes way more. I am by far the primary parent though and handle the mental load, the food planning/shopping/prepping and most of the cleaning.

You’ve capitulated way too easily.

Based on what you shared, it IS about the money. He values investing more than a kitchen.

Which is why you need to get a new job, a second job, etc to fund the renovation.

Who will cook, clean and do all the laundry while I’m at my second job? Your idea sounds nice, but I’m pretty stuck unless I want family life to collapse which I don’t.

You are choosing to be a victim. You're not stuck. You could earn more money to pay for it yourself, but you're choosing not to. Own your choices.

We have the money, 20x over. It’s not as though the money only belongs to him.

Then spend it. There is no reason for this post if you believe the above.

Agreed. If it was truly her money, OP would have done the kitchen already. Let’s be realistic about the implications of financial dependence. There is nothing wrong with a relationship where one person earns all of the money but it’s never the same thing as having one’s own money.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:At some point you are going to sell the house and you’d need to upgrade the kitchen and bathrooms to get full value, and not just repainting the cabinets. Many buyers will not want to take on the project so you are limiting the audience. Doing it now will save you money in the long run and you will get to enjoy it. Come up with a redo and timing that is the least disruptive to your living there.

OP here. I know all of this and have said it all repeatedly. Falls on deaf ears. I feel confident that rationale and common sense are on my side. It doesn’t matter - it’s like talking to a brick wall on this subject. He’s perfectly pleasant on other subjects. Funny, a good father. We take vacations, he doesn’t nit pick day to day household spending. But any mention of this and he’s just like “mmm hmmm, that’s nice, but NO.”

What does he value? Say NO to whatever it is he wants to buy or do.

Sadly, he values growing numbers on a balance sheet. He wins, I lose. I do work, but he makes way more. I am by far the primary parent though and handle the mental load, the food planning/shopping/prepping and most of the cleaning.

You’ve capitulated way too easily.

Based on what you shared, it IS about the money. He values investing more than a kitchen.

Which is why you need to get a new job, a second job, etc to fund the renovation.

Who will cook, clean and do all the laundry while I’m at my second job? Your idea sounds nice, but I’m pretty stuck unless I want family life to collapse which I don’t.

You are choosing to be a victim. You're not stuck. You could earn more money to pay for it yourself, but you're choosing not to. Own your choices.

We have the money, 20x over. It’s not as though the money only belongs to him.

Then spend it. There is no reason for this post if you believe the above.

I don’t believe it, it’s true.

BUT it wouldn’t solve my issue that it’s really hurtful to me that he doesn’t value at all that this is important to me. It would just be great if he would say “I don’t understand wanting this, but it’s clearly very important to you so I want you to have it. Let’s keep the budget to X.” Or something like that. It would mean everything to me. Doing it to spite him/in spite of him is not what I want.

OP, this way of thinking is simply not going to be helpful to you in any way. You can’t wrap your self-worth or his respect for you into a kitchen remodel. It’s this kind of thinking that builds resentment in marriage. He is never going to think like this, and you need to be OK with that.

In some level, doing the remodel is always going to be “in spite of him” because he does not value it. So you need to work together to figure out a strategy where he understands that even though this isn’t important to him, it is important enough to you that he should sacrifice his goals and do it. And not complain about the inconvenience.

I am not team you or team DH, just a person who likes having healthy relationships.

[Anonymous]

OK, so long story short, your instinct to post in the relationships forum instead of home improvement was correct.
It's not about the kitchen.
Your relationship has resentment.
You feel unseen/disrespected.
You have a major gap in your financial values.
Your love language is possibly gifts and his is not.
Go to therapy alone first by the way to unpack your stuff around all of this. Then go together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OK, so long story short, your instinct to post in the relationships forum instead of home improvement was correct.
It's not about the kitchen.
Your relationship has resentment.
You feel unseen/disrespected.
You have a major gap in your financial values.
Your love language is possibly gifts and his is not.
Go to therapy alone first by the way to unpack your stuff around all of this. Then go together.

Oh and a relationship with these kinds of precarious factors simmering under the surface is exactly one where you should not do a home remodel until you are a way better place. Remodels are hard on even happy marriages equally on board with remodeling. Just like having a baby will not save a marriage and will make a rocky marriage way worse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:At some point you are going to sell the house and you’d need to upgrade the kitchen and bathrooms to get full value, and not just repainting the cabinets. Many buyers will not want to take on the project so you are limiting the audience. Doing it now will save you money in the long run and you will get to enjoy it. Come up with a redo and timing that is the least disruptive to your living there.

OP here. I know all of this and have said it all repeatedly. Falls on deaf ears. I feel confident that rationale and common sense are on my side. It doesn’t matter - it’s like talking to a brick wall on this subject. He’s perfectly pleasant on other subjects. Funny, a good father. We take vacations, he doesn’t nit pick day to day household spending. But any mention of this and he’s just like “mmm hmmm, that’s nice, but NO.”

What does he value? Say NO to whatever it is he wants to buy or do.

Sadly, he values growing numbers on a balance sheet. He wins, I lose. I do work, but he makes way more. I am by far the primary parent though and handle the mental load, the food planning/shopping/prepping and most of the cleaning.

You’ve capitulated way too easily.

Based on what you shared, it IS about the money. He values investing more than a kitchen.

Which is why you need to get a new job, a second job, etc to fund the renovation.

Who will cook, clean and do all the laundry while I’m at my second job? Your idea sounds nice, but I’m pretty stuck unless I want family life to collapse which I don’t.

You are choosing to be a victim. You're not stuck. You could earn more money to pay for it yourself, but you're choosing not to. Own your choices.

We have the money, 20x over. It’s not as though the money only belongs to him.

Then spend it. There is no reason for this post if you believe the above.

I don’t believe it, it’s true.

BUT it wouldn’t solve my issue that it’s really hurtful to me that he doesn’t value at all that this is important to me. It would just be great if he would say “I don’t understand wanting this, but it’s clearly very important to you so I want you to have it. Let’s keep the budget to X.” Or something like that. It would mean everything to me. Doing it to spite him/in spite of him is not what I want.

Well, listen to what everyone is telling you: Your feelings aren’t valid, you silly, vapid woman. Stomping and pouting because you don’t get something you want?!?! Dafuq are you 5 or some shit like that?

[Anonymous]

Has he suggested a budget for the facelift he has agreed to?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He sees it as a waste of money and he’s kind of right. You want to keep up with the Joneses or some shit like that.

I bet you watch a lot of HGTV

Haven’t had cable in 10 years.

I don’t get why everyone always thinks that wanting a nice, new home is because they need to keep up with the Joneses.

When I was younger I was bullied by my peers mercilessly. Home was the only safe place for me. My mom always had it decorated beautifully and it was my own little piece of peace.

My home is now the most beautiful place I’ve ever stepped foot in, because I want it to be an escape from the world. It has nothing to do with impressing my neighbors.

I agree. I’ve fought with my DH for more than a decade about this. He views a house as a mere storage locker for one’s stuff. I want a beautiful sanctuary. But he hasn’t wanted to spend the money because he thinks I’m trying to impress my friends. He refuses to accept that I just want this for myself.

[Anonymous]

Has anyone here actually done a kitchen in the past year? We are doing one now and it’ll be over $100k. It is a complete money sink as our property value will be enhanced by maybe $20k. Home improvements are a massive financial loser, which is what the husband here is likely focused on.

A big question is - how would he like to spend the money. “Saving it” is not an answer. Does he want to retire early? Give a big nest egg to the kids? Do you have parents to support?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He sees it as a waste of money and he’s kind of right. You want to keep up with the Joneses or some shit like that.

I bet you watch a lot of HGTV

Haven’t had cable in 10 years.

I don’t get why everyone always thinks that wanting a nice, new home is because they need to keep up with the Joneses.

When I was younger I was bullied by my peers mercilessly. Home was the only safe place for me. My mom always had it decorated beautifully and it was my own little piece of peace.

My home is now the most beautiful place I’ve ever stepped foot in, because I want it to be an escape from the world. It has nothing to do with impressing my neighbors.

I agree. I’ve fought with my DH for more than a decade about this. He views a house as a mere storage locker for one’s stuff. I want a beautiful sanctuary. But he hasn’t wanted to spend the money because he thinks I’m trying to impress my friends. He refuses to accept that I just want this for myself.

So the thing is -- you can decorate beautifully without remodeling. You can make a home a sanctuary without remodeling. Be honest about wanting $100k in remodeling upgrades vs. fresh paint, dreamy curtains and throw pillows. Come on. Neither of you is being denied a chance to have wonderful spaces.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, why you cannot do it without husband? It took me 4 years to completely gut and re-do all 4 bathrooms in our house. I just finished my master bathroom and I totally love it. Husband refused to get involved. I am looking at the kitchen now. I gave a an inexpensive face lift 4 years ago, I will start pricing a full remodel next year and planning to gut it out in 2-3 years. Just do it if this is important for you.

In our marriage, we don’t spend five or six figures without the other person’s consent.

What if you earned this money and another spouse continue to withhold his consent or, worse, spending money on something else? Do you just suffer quietly?