Resentment - impasse over home improvement

[Anonymous]

Start messing with your appliances and try to break them. Pull one of the cabinet doors off. Accidentally scratch things. Turn on the bath, plug the tub and accidentally forget about it. Desperate times…

[Anonymous]

At some point you are going to sell the house and you’d need to upgrade the kitchen and bathrooms to get full value, and not just repainting the cabinets. Many buyers will not want to take on the project so you are limiting the audience. Doing it now will save you money in the long run and you will get to enjoy it. Come up with a redo and timing that is the least disruptive to your living there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:At some point you are going to sell the house and you’d need to upgrade the kitchen and bathrooms to get full value, and not just repainting the cabinets. Many buyers will not want to take on the project so you are limiting the audience. Doing it now will save you money in the long run and you will get to enjoy it. Come up with a redo and timing that is the least disruptive to your living there.

OP here. I know all of this and have said it all repeatedly. Falls on deaf ears. I feel confident that rationale and common sense are on my side. It doesn’t matter - it’s like talking to a brick wall on this subject. He’s perfectly pleasant on other subjects. Funny, a good father. We take vacations, he doesn’t nit pick day to day household spending. But any mention of this and he’s just like “mmm hmmm, that’s nice, but NO.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. When really pressed he admits we can “afford it” but states that it’s not something he values. When I point out that I value it and my feelings should matter too, he doesn’t really have anything to say to that. And that’s what hurts I think. It’s like how people say the no vote always wins. And he is almost always the no vote. It’s maddening.

Do you have a job, OP? If you want to renovate you’ll need to go nuclear.

First off you need to be direct about how important this is to you. Verbalize this. Next time he wants to do something you should veto it and explain you’re simply treating him how he treats you. Even if it’s something as unimportant as going out for Mexican on a Friday night. Tell him, “you seem unwilling to do something very important to me we can afford so I can’t continue to sacrifice for someone who discounts what I want.” There’s very likely something in his life such as a car, vacation, golf bag etc that you don’t care for but go along with to keep the peace. Stop doing that. Consider not giving anything to him for Christmas.

Nuclear options include:

1. Looking for a new job and explaining it’s so you can fund the renovation.

2. Start talking about looking for a second home or condo that’s updated where you can spend a decent amount of time. Explain he’s unwilling to renovate your current home so you’d like to find a place to stay for periods of time.

3. When you hang out at a friends house and they’ve done any work on their house, make sure to mention your husband will not allow you to do any work on your house. Joke about how hopefully he gets a raise so you can renovate. Embarrass him.

4. When he says it’s not about the money insist that it is and you didn’t realize you’re so destitute. This is when you bring up a second job, new job, selling belongings etc to get a new kitchen.

5. Stop using the kitchen. Don’t cook. Don’t buy groceries. Don’t entertain at your house.

Unfortunately I suspect you don’t have a job and don’t have any power.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:At some point you are going to sell the house and you’d need to upgrade the kitchen and bathrooms to get full value, and not just repainting the cabinets. Many buyers will not want to take on the project so you are limiting the audience. Doing it now will save you money in the long run and you will get to enjoy it. Come up with a redo and timing that is the least disruptive to your living there.

OP here. I know all of this and have said it all repeatedly. Falls on deaf ears. I feel confident that rationale and common sense are on my side. It doesn’t matter - it’s like talking to a brick wall on this subject. He’s perfectly pleasant on other subjects. Funny, a good father. We take vacations, he doesn’t nit pick day to day household spending. But any mention of this and he’s just like “mmm hmmm, that’s nice, but NO.”

What does he value? Say NO to whatever it is he wants to buy or do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:At some point you are going to sell the house and you’d need to upgrade the kitchen and bathrooms to get full value, and not just repainting the cabinets. Many buyers will not want to take on the project so you are limiting the audience. Doing it now will save you money in the long run and you will get to enjoy it. Come up with a redo and timing that is the least disruptive to your living there.

OP here. I know all of this and have said it all repeatedly. Falls on deaf ears. I feel confident that rationale and common sense are on my side. It doesn’t matter - it’s like talking to a brick wall on this subject. He’s perfectly pleasant on other subjects. Funny, a good father. We take vacations, he doesn’t nit pick day to day household spending. But any mention of this and he’s just like “mmm hmmm, that’s nice, but NO.”

What does he value? Say NO to whatever it is he wants to buy or do.

Sadly, he values growing numbers on a balance sheet. He wins, I lose. I do work, but he makes way more. I am by far the primary parent though and handle the mental load, the food planning/shopping/prepping and most of the cleaning.

[Anonymous]

Get a weekend job and let him handle the kids every.single.weekend. Tell him you are saving up for the remodel.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:At some point you are going to sell the house and you’d need to upgrade the kitchen and bathrooms to get full value, and not just repainting the cabinets. Many buyers will not want to take on the project so you are limiting the audience. Doing it now will save you money in the long run and you will get to enjoy it. Come up with a redo and timing that is the least disruptive to your living there.

OP here. I know all of this and have said it all repeatedly. Falls on deaf ears. I feel confident that rationale and common sense are on my side. It doesn’t matter - it’s like talking to a brick wall on this subject. He’s perfectly pleasant on other subjects. Funny, a good father. We take vacations, he doesn’t nit pick day to day household spending. But any mention of this and he’s just like “mmm hmmm, that’s nice, but NO.”

What does he value? Say NO to whatever it is he wants to buy or do.

Sadly, he values growing numbers on a balance sheet. He wins, I lose. I do work, but he makes way more. I am by far the primary parent though and handle the mental load, the food planning/shopping/prepping and most of the cleaning.

You’ve capitulated way too easily.

Based on what you shared, it IS about the money. He values investing more than a kitchen.

Which is why you need to get a new job, a second job, etc to fund the renovation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:At some point you are going to sell the house and you’d need to upgrade the kitchen and bathrooms to get full value, and not just repainting the cabinets. Many buyers will not want to take on the project so you are limiting the audience. Doing it now will save you money in the long run and you will get to enjoy it. Come up with a redo and timing that is the least disruptive to your living there.

OP here. I know all of this and have said it all repeatedly. Falls on deaf ears. I feel confident that rationale and common sense are on my side. It doesn’t matter - it’s like talking to a brick wall on this subject. He’s perfectly pleasant on other subjects. Funny, a good father. We take vacations, he doesn’t nit pick day to day household spending. But any mention of this and he’s just like “mmm hmmm, that’s nice, but NO.”

What does he value? Say NO to whatever it is he wants to buy or do.

Sadly, he values growing numbers on a balance sheet. He wins, I lose. I do work, but he makes way more. I am by far the primary parent though and handle the mental load, the food planning/shopping/prepping and most of the cleaning.

You’ve capitulated way too easily.

Based on what you shared, it IS about the money. He values investing more than a kitchen.

Which is why you need to get a new job, a second job, etc to fund the renovation.

Who will cook, clean and do all the laundry while I’m at my second job? Your idea sounds nice, but I’m pretty stuck unless I want family life to collapse which I don’t.

[Anonymous]

Parents married fo 50 years. Mom still says they would be in the first NVA they moved into if my Dad had his way. Always the 'good enough' mentality. OP, update your stuff. It's for the PLACE YOU LIVE. If you don't invest there and the enjoyment of your life, then what?

[Anonymous]

OP, have a bunch of your friends/neighbors recently done remodels or something?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, have a bunch of your friends/neighbors recently done remodels or something?

You mean in the last 10 years since we bought the house? I mean, yes I guess, it’s a pretty common activity in UMC areas with older homes.

[Anonymous]

Just get the estimates and present him with options.

[Anonymous]

I think this obsession with not looking “dated” is stupid and a result of all those HGTV shows. Anything you do now will look “dated” in 10 years. The idea that a kitchen should always look contemporary is insanity.

[Anonymous]

I understand your husband’s point. My kitchen is dated but functional, and I have no desire to remodel it. Kitchen renovations are awful.

My thought is to explain to your husband that this is something you want to do, that it brings you joy, and that you will consider it a gift. Tell him that the whole process will make you so happy, that you will be thrilled to take the lead, and that you will never complain.