Resentment - impasse over home improvement

[Anonymous]

I almost posted this in Home Improvement and then changed my mind to relationships. I’m so tired of trying to get DH to agree to a full kitchen remodel (that we can easily afford, in cash.) He wants to do literally nothing at all, but has reluctantly agreed to a “facelift” but keeping our cabinets. It’s not what I want but we’ve been discussing it literally years. I resent him for this but I’m wondering if doing nothing while we argue makes me resent him more. I just worry we will paint the cabinets; new counters, etc and I will just resent that it wasn’t what I wanted.

It’s not going to end there because the bathrooms are in even worse shape. He literally just does not care about how things look. He has alternated between claiming he doesn’t want to spend the money and he doesn’t want to deal with the stress and inconvenience of a remodel. Prior to the rate hikes, he said he’d rather move to a house someone else remodeled than live through one at our house, despite knowing when we bought the house 10 years ago that it was already dated and would eventually need work. Now instead he says things like “maybe we will buy a new house when [youngest] goes to college in 6 years. We are at a complete impasse which suits him just fine because “nothing” is what he wants anyway! I really like our house and street but I really regret buying it - I didn’t see this coming at all, even if I should have.

This just makes me so mad. Like my feelings on the topic are irrelevant. Yes he makes a lot more money than I do but I am the primary parent and am not a frivolous spender. We are pretty frugal with the rest of our lives. No debt except our low mortgage, college fully funded and retirement accounts in great shape. It seems crazy to go to therapy over this and I’ve tried just forcing myself to let it go and not care. I succeed for a few months and then all my feelings come right back.

I feel like I am crazy. What would you do - about the house, about the husband, about my feelings, etc.

[Anonymous]

Hire a designer to give an opinion of what’s needed and present options.

[Anonymous]

It’s totally not crazy to go to therapy over this. It’s bothering you deeply and you are at an impasse. Honestly, if I wanted to redo the whole kitchen a facelift would not work for me. It would just make me resent the situation more, especially if I could easily afford the whole redo.

[Anonymous]

Are your current kitchen and bathrooms non-functional or just out of date?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are your current kitchen and bathrooms non-functional or just out of date?

I guess they function. There is a huge long crack in our old kitchen granite and some of the cabinets don’t close properly. The grout in the bathrooms is missing or discolored in many places. And yes everything is from the 90’s.

But I think what bothers me is that this is important to me and he just does not care. He thinks I should just get over it and see things his way, the only correct way to see the situation.

[Anonymous]

Hire a designer and start the process, present what you want and what your husband wants and go from there. For our renovation, my husband was against a lot of improvements I wanted to do, he wanted to just replace the cabinets but I wanted to remove some walls, that didn’t stop me from starting the process. Throughout the process the designer liked all my ideas, so it wasn’t me telling DH what to do, it was another man (sign but true). Long story short, we renovated the place like I had in mind and my husband proudly tell people it was mostly my design. Your situation is a bit more complex but you are not going to get full agreement from the start, just start the process and see where it goes. Good luck!

[Anonymous]

My husband, who escaped a war as a child and suffered extreme deprivation, is now a financially-successful adult who cannot spend his wealth. He also hoards. These are the consequences of lasting trauma from childhood. He is completely unattached to material things, or how they look or are perceived by others.

We bought one house, very old and rickety but on valuable land in a desirable neighborhood. He agreed to critical renovations, but there are still so many things that could use an upgrade, that will never get done. Our cars are ancient and beaten up, but won't get replaced until they literally cannot move. He doesn't replace his clothes unless there are holes or visible stains.

Meanwhile we have 10M+ in various assets. Thank goodness, he became successful through education, and he is willing to spend on our children's education as well. Otherwise I would divorce him.

So you have all my sympathies. The only way I can get him to spend is by dint of persistent persuasion, where I present all my arguments with scientific precision. Sometimes it takes years to get him to make a purchase. Keep trying.

[Anonymous]

The only suggestion I can make is to do research on your own and price things out. Home depot and Lowes can measure your kitchen and price out the cabinets. You might have to supply everything and then get a general contractor to install, which is not easy but certainly cheaper.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
My husband, who escaped a war as a child and suffered extreme deprivation, is now a financially-successful adult who cannot spend his wealth. He also hoards. These are the consequences of lasting trauma from childhood. He is completely unattached to material things, or how they look or are perceived by others.

We bought one house, very old and rickety but on valuable land in a desirable neighborhood. He agreed to critical renovations, but there are still so many things that could use an upgrade, that will never get done. Our cars are ancient and beaten up, but won't get replaced until they literally cannot move. He doesn't replace his clothes unless there are holes or visible stains.

Meanwhile we have 10M+ in various assets. Thank goodness, he became successful through education, and he is willing to spend on our children's education as well. Otherwise I would divorce him.

So you have all my sympathies. The only way I can get him to spend is by dint of persistent persuasion, where I present all my arguments with scientific precision. Sometimes it takes years to get him to make a purchase. Keep trying.

Thank you. You get it. I definitely think his feelings about money are a type of weird anxiety. It’s just not rational. The crazy part is that he grew up upper middle class and never did without anything! That said, my in-laws don’t care how their house looks either. It’s clean and orderly, but is completely date and I don’t even think they know. I’d like him to see a therapist about his anxiety, but he doesn’t view it as a problem. I can discuss this with friends, because then I’d have to disclose how much money we have (to explain how I’m not being irresponsible about the money) and I can’t do that.

[Anonymous]

I would go to counseling to see if you can get past this together. What is at the root if his hesitation? Is it living through it? If so consider a temp rental and using a company this will deliver within framework. If it’s money then go through accounts/compare to transaction costa of selling/buying. If it’s that he doesn’t care and you do then get to counseling for deeper issues.

Facelifts can help if that’s all that’s needed but sometimes it’s throwing good money after bad. 10 years ago My mom (who did not consult me even though I’ve designed/overseen 4 kitchen remodels) replaced her counters, backsplash, lighting, floor but didn’t want to replace her 40 year old dated cabinets in poor shape or redo the counters a bit to accommodate a wider fridge (she has a tiny 30” wide frig) because she thought it would be a hassle (still took them 10 weeks because they came when they felt like it). . She just repainted them. They have dated arches, interiors are gross/dirty, old rickety drawers that squeak, years of grime,, 30” height with a large gap to ceiling, , the paint wore off in 2 years and the painful part is that she spent 40k on the rest of the refresh ; another 25 k and she could have had a gorgeous functional kitchen. Now we are trying to rent her home and will probably have to redo the kitchen but it paint me to tear out perfectly decent counters and backsplash etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
My husband, who escaped a war as a child and suffered extreme deprivation, is now a financially-successful adult who cannot spend his wealth. He also hoards. These are the consequences of lasting trauma from childhood. He is completely unattached to material things, or how they look or are perceived by others.

We bought one house, very old and rickety but on valuable land in a desirable neighborhood. He agreed to critical renovations, but there are still so many things that could use an upgrade, that will never get done. Our cars are ancient and beaten up, but won't get replaced until they literally cannot move. He doesn't replace his clothes unless there are holes or visible stains.

Meanwhile we have 10M+ in various assets. Thank goodness, he became successful through education, and he is willing to spend on our children's education as well. Otherwise I would divorce him.

So you have all my sympathies. The only way I can get him to spend is by dint of persistent persuasion, where I present all my arguments with scientific precision. Sometimes it takes years to get him to make a purchase. Keep trying.

Thank you. You get it. I definitely think his feelings about money are a type of weird anxiety. It’s just not rational. The crazy part is that he grew up upper middle class and never did without anything! That said, my in-laws don’t care how their house looks either. It’s clean and orderly, but is completely date and I don’t even think they know. I’d like him to see a therapist about his anxiety, but he doesn’t view it as a problem. I can discuss this with friends, because then I’d have to disclose how much money we have (to explain how I’m not being irresponsible about the money) and I can’t do that.

PP you replied to. I have come to understand that some of this behavior can be explained by high-functioning autism and its associated anxiety. People like that can be functional and successful, but don't care how they come across, because they're not attuned to other people's feelings, social niceties or the need to conform. They often have areas of hyperfocus, and in my husband's case, maybe triggered by deprivation, it's a hyperfocus on spending. I've been married for 20 years, and it took me a long time to understand this. Your case may be different, of course.

[Anonymous]

OP here. When really pressed he admits we can “afford it” but states that it’s not something he values. When I point out that I value it and my feelings should matter too, he doesn’t really have anything to say to that. And that’s what hurts I think. It’s like how people say the no vote always wins. And he is almost always the no vote. It’s maddening.

[Anonymous]

If when you bought the house 10 years ago it was agreed upon that the kitchen would need updating, I would start with that. You have been wanting this for 10 years. It is not impulsive or some passing thought. You have been thinking about and wanting to do this for 10 years.

If he is now indicating moving, ask to move the house hunting time line up. Say you want to feel you are at HOME sometime in the next 2 years. If not willing to make this place feel like home, then lets start looking at what is out there.

[Anonymous]

OP this is one of those marital impasses that is really, really hard because you’re both right! You both have totally valid perspectives.

BUT. He is on the status quo side, which usually wins.

Like having kids or another kid.

I think you should maybe try couples counseling about it. But you need to be okay with the fact that it’s unlikely to change the outcome.

The best thing to do is probably to move on with finding happiness in the things you can control and just accept the harm to your relationship that being on the losing side of this is going to cause. It’s not small, but also unlikely to be something you divorce over, right? Couples counseling can help you talk about it. The reality is that both people take some big hits along the way.

If and when you move, understand that the house as you buy it is how it’s going to stay. Or have any renovations agreed to and DONE BEFORE YOU MOVE IN. Lesson learned.

Keep an eye on listings in your neighborhood because moving is comparatively less disruptive than a big renovation.

[Anonymous]

I think I'd tell him that we're doing ithe remodel and he needs to get onboard and if he has a problem with it, call a divorce attorney because his unwillingness to acknowledge something that is truly important to you is a sign your marriage or broken, so maybe it's time to call it quits.