Resentment - impasse over home improvement

[Anonymous]

OP, why you cannot do it without husband? It took me 4 years to completely gut and re-do all 4 bathrooms in our house. I just finished my master bathroom and I totally love it. Husband refused to get involved. I am looking at the kitchen now. I gave a an inexpensive face lift 4 years ago, I will start pricing a full remodel next year and planning to gut it out in 2-3 years. Just do it if this is important for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. When really pressed he admits we can “afford it” but states that it’s not something he values. When I point out that I value it and my feelings should matter too, he doesn’t really have anything to say to that. And that’s what hurts I think. It’s like how people say the no vote always wins. And he is almost always the no vote. It’s maddening.

An example that women must be very careful with spouse selection if they plan to become financially dependent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, why you cannot do it without husband? It took me 4 years to completely gut and re-do all 4 bathrooms in our house. I just finished my master bathroom and I totally love it. Husband refused to get involved. I am looking at the kitchen now. I gave a an inexpensive face lift 4 years ago, I will start pricing a full remodel next year and planning to gut it out in 2-3 years. Just do it if this is important for you.

In our marriage, we don’t spend five or six figures without the other person’s consent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. When really pressed he admits we can “afford it” but states that it’s not something he values. When I point out that I value it and my feelings should matter too, he doesn’t really have anything to say to that. And that’s what hurts I think. It’s like how people say the no vote always wins. And he is almost always the no vote. It’s maddening.

An example that women must be very careful with spouse selection if they plan to become financially dependent.

OP here. He would be this way if I made equal to him. I guess you are saying I could divorce easier? Not looking to break up the family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think this obsession with not looking “dated” is stupid and a result of all those HGTV shows. Anything you do now will look “dated” in 10 years. The idea that a kitchen should always look contemporary is insanity.

Except the kitchen never looked new. Except to the people who lived in the house before us. By this logic no one should ever have anything new at all because one day it will be old?

No, I’m saying that “it looks dated” is not a good reason to renovate. That’s a weird flipper mindset. If the kitchen isn’t working or you’re actually making substantive improvements, ok, but just “white kitchens are out” is part of this pernicious American mindset where one must always be spending and making things new.

[Anonymous]

He sees it as a waste of money and he’s kind of right. You want to keep up with the Joneses or some shit like that.

I bet you watch a lot of HGTV

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, why you cannot do it without husband? It took me 4 years to completely gut and re-do all 4 bathrooms in our house. I just finished my master bathroom and I totally love it. Husband refused to get involved. I am looking at the kitchen now. I gave a an inexpensive face lift 4 years ago, I will start pricing a full remodel next year and planning to gut it out in 2-3 years. Just do it if this is important for you.

And did you pay for this all by yourself?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Tough call. I am a woman but would be like the husband in this situation though I sympathize with OP as well.

This isn't some small little thing she wants. It's tens of thousands of dollars for something that is mostly cosmetic. Plus it comes with quality of life inconvenience (and most people are not going to want to rent another house while it's being done!). And she's already like "and you should see our bathrooms..." so you can see where this is going. He's thinking if they open the floodgates with this, it's going to be a new project every year and they may as well just get a new house in a couple ofyears (smaller because the kids will be in college). That makes a ton of sense, I'd 100% be the one making those arguments.


Otoh wifes arguments are valid too. She works and keeps house. They nominally agreed to this in the past. There are cracks that need fixing. They have the money in theory.

What you definitely shouldn't do is the face-lift because you'll still be unhappy with that and your husband will be annoyed you spent the money and still don't like it.

I think you need a heart to heart about finances in general and that you feel undervalued because you make less. A portion of money should be set aside each year for household repairs. And if that money doesn't end up being used for an emergency then use what is left for this remodel.

This. OP, you, and most of the amen chorus in this post, are treating this as if he is being completely unreasonable, without a leg to stand on. That's just not the case. I get that it's frustrating when one partner is good with the status quo, and effectively has a veto, and I think he should reach come compromise with you. But it sounds like he did that with new counters and refacing, and you're still unhappy that he hasn't completely capitulated, and calling his position ridiculous. This isn't as one-sided as you are making it appear.

+1

OP, if he doesn’t want the remodel, you are asking for a $75k birthday present. Would you do the same for him?

OP here. In a heartbeat. I am always telling him he should enjoy things more. His answer is always “I don’t want anything.” And yes we’ll waste 20-25k to facelift the kitchen. Great compromise. I’ll still walk downstairs everyday and be annoyed. We sold a rental property last year (our first home) and made $350k profit. I proposed that after we pay the capital gains tax, we save half the remainder and put the other half into our current home. Denied.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He sees it as a waste of money and he’s kind of right. You want to keep up with the Joneses or some shit like that.

I bet you watch a lot of HGTV

Haven’t had cable in 10 years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think this obsession with not looking “dated” is stupid and a result of all those HGTV shows. Anything you do now will look “dated” in 10 years. The idea that a kitchen should always look contemporary is insanity.

Except the kitchen never looked new. Except to the people who lived in the house before us. By this logic no one should ever have anything new at all because one day it will be old?

No, I’m saying that “it looks dated” is not a good reason to renovate. That’s a weird flipper mindset. If the kitchen isn’t working or you’re actually making substantive improvements, ok, but just “white kitchens are out” is part of this pernicious American mindset where one must always be spending and making things new.

So your kitchen is 30 years old?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think this obsession with not looking “dated” is stupid and a result of all those HGTV shows. Anything you do now will look “dated” in 10 years. The idea that a kitchen should always look contemporary is insanity.

Except the kitchen never looked new. Except to the people who lived in the house before us. By this logic no one should ever have anything new at all because one day it will be old?

No, I’m saying that “it looks dated” is not a good reason to renovate. That’s a weird flipper mindset. If the kitchen isn’t working or you’re actually making substantive improvements, ok, but just “white kitchens are out” is part of this pernicious American mindset where one must always be spending and making things new.

So your kitchen is 30 years old?

I have no idea how old my kitchen is. It’s an almost 100 year old building. I don’t love the countertops but can live with them. We’ve only replaced the dishwasher because the old one broke.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think this obsession with not looking “dated” is stupid and a result of all those HGTV shows. Anything you do now will look “dated” in 10 years. The idea that a kitchen should always look contemporary is insanity.

Except the kitchen never looked new. Except to the people who lived in the house before us. By this logic no one should ever have anything new at all because one day it will be old?

No, I’m saying that “it looks dated” is not a good reason to renovate. That’s a weird flipper mindset. If the kitchen isn’t working or you’re actually making substantive improvements, ok, but just “white kitchens are out” is part of this pernicious American mindset where one must always be spending and making things new.

So your kitchen is 30 years old?

I have no idea how old my kitchen is. It’s an almost 100 year old building. I don’t love the countertops but can live with them. We’ve only replaced the dishwasher because the old one broke.

I’m guessing you don’t have a car either. Or “drive an old beater.” One of those types.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. When really pressed he admits we can “afford it” but states that it’s not something he values. When I point out that I value it and my feelings should matter too, he doesn’t really have anything to say to that. And that’s what hurts I think. It’s like how people say the no vote always wins. And he is almost always the no vote. It’s maddening.

See OP this right here is what the two of you need to unpack in therapy. It’s a valid thing to want to work out with an unbiased third party.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:At some point you are going to sell the house and you’d need to upgrade the kitchen and bathrooms to get full value, and not just repainting the cabinets. Many buyers will not want to take on the project so you are limiting the audience. Doing it now will save you money in the long run and you will get to enjoy it. Come up with a redo and timing that is the least disruptive to your living there.

OP here. I know all of this and have said it all repeatedly. Falls on deaf ears. I feel confident that rationale and common sense are on my side. It doesn’t matter - it’s like talking to a brick wall on this subject. He’s perfectly pleasant on other subjects. Funny, a good father. We take vacations, he doesn’t nit pick day to day household spending. But any mention of this and he’s just like “mmm hmmm, that’s nice, but NO.”

What does he value? Say NO to whatever it is he wants to buy or do.

Sadly, he values growing numbers on a balance sheet. He wins, I lose. I do work, but he makes way more. I am by far the primary parent though and handle the mental load, the food planning/shopping/prepping and most of the cleaning.

You’ve capitulated way too easily.

Based on what you shared, it IS about the money. He values investing more than a kitchen.

Which is why you need to get a new job, a second job, etc to fund the renovation.

Who will cook, clean and do all the laundry while I’m at my second job? Your idea sounds nice, but I’m pretty stuck unless I want family life to collapse which I don’t.

You are choosing to be a victim. You're not stuck. You could earn more money to pay for it yourself, but you're choosing not to. Own your choices.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He sees it as a waste of money and he’s kind of right. You want to keep up with the Joneses or some shit like that.

I bet you watch a lot of HGTV

Haven’t had cable in 10 years.

I don’t get why everyone always thinks that wanting a nice, new home is because they need to keep up with the Joneses.

When I was younger I was bullied by my peers mercilessly. Home was the only safe place for me. My mom always had it decorated beautifully and it was my own little piece of peace.

My home is now the most beautiful place I’ve ever stepped foot in, because I want it to be an escape from the world. It has nothing to do with impressing my neighbors.