Resentment - impasse over home improvement

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Team DH. Have you ever lived through a kitchen remodel? Typically you need to move out.

I don't get the argument at all. Just buy a house that's updated.

Make it a forced choice: remodel or move. Run the numbers and show him how much more it would cost to move. Or maybe it’s worth it to him to not go through a remodel.

[Anonymous]

Everyone I know who has remodeled their kitchen has said the pain was worth it.

Moving now is nearly impossible due to the extremely limited inventory (if you haven't looked recently, you have no idea and what little is listed is rarely remodeled) and high interest rates.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Everyone I know who has remodeled their kitchen has said the pain was worth it.

Moving now is nearly impossible due to the extremely limited inventory (if you haven't looked recently, you have no idea and what little is listed is rarely remodeled) and high interest rates.

They thought it was worth it bc they wanted the remodel. If they didn’t care about in the first place, I’m sure you are less likely to think it’s worth it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Everyone I know who has remodeled their kitchen has said the pain was worth it.

Moving now is nearly impossible due to the extremely limited inventory (if you haven't looked recently, you have no idea and what little is listed is rarely remodeled) and high interest rates.

They thought it was worth it bc they wanted the remodel. If they didn’t care about in the first place, I’m sure you are less likely to think it’s worth it.

That's why I posted in relationships and not home remodeling. I DO care and I'm having a hard time with the fact that my feelings are irrelevant to him. Why do his feelings take precedent on everything?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Everyone I know who has remodeled their kitchen has said the pain was worth it.

Moving now is nearly impossible due to the extremely limited inventory (if you haven't looked recently, you have no idea and what little is listed is rarely remodeled) and high interest rates.

They thought it was worth it bc they wanted the remodel. If they didn’t care about in the first place, I’m sure you are less likely to think it’s worth it.

That's why I posted in relationships and not home remodeling. I DO care and I'm having a hard time with the fact that my feelings are irrelevant to him. Why do his feelings take precedent on everything?

It actually seems like you think your feelings should take precedence. If one person wants a reno and the other does not, the “facelift” he suggests seems like a reasonable compromise that takes both opinions into consideration. You seem in the “all or nothing” camp.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
My husband, who escaped a war as a child and suffered extreme deprivation, is now a financially-successful adult who cannot spend his wealth. He also hoards. These are the consequences of lasting trauma from childhood. He is completely unattached to material things, or how they look or are perceived by others.

We bought one house, very old and rickety but on valuable land in a desirable neighborhood. He agreed to critical renovations, but there are still so many things that could use an upgrade, that will never get done. Our cars are ancient and beaten up, but won't get replaced until they literally cannot move. He doesn't replace his clothes unless there are holes or visible stains.

Meanwhile we have 10M+ in various assets. Thank goodness, he became successful through education, and he is willing to spend on our children's education as well. Otherwise I would divorce him.

So you have all my sympathies. The only way I can get him to spend is by dint of persistent persuasion, where I present all my arguments with scientific precision. Sometimes it takes years to get him to make a purchase. Keep trying.

Wow, this sounds like a horrible way to live.

[Anonymous]

In my relationship I am the cheap/anti home improvement person. DH went ahead and started renovations without my permission. He basically told me the house looks like sh** and he wasn’t going to tolerate it anymore. He dealt with the contractors and it was a pain, but he kept costs low and in the end I’m not upset he did it. I was just being cheap and lazy. If you think your husband will not have an extreme reaction op I would recommend just moving forward with what you want to do and keep him abreast of your plans.

[Anonymous]

Oh gosh I’m sorry. Do you think it’s the money or the inconvenience that is holding him up? We have young kids and have needed/wanted to remodel the kitchen for a while now. The cabinets have literally fallen apart in a couple places. We are both dreading living through a remodel with out a functional kitchen. My husband wants to move out and I’m dreading the extra work that will make for me ( at the end of the day packing up the stuff we need for months and any extra driving from a less convenient location will largely fall to me). But I am probably going to agree to it because I am embarrassed to live in a space that is falling apart and I want my kids to be able to have friends over with out feeling self conscious).

Anyway that was a bit of an aside but I feel like what works is to make things easy/concrete.

I would give him three options:
1. design and build firm (get a quote, it’s easy to do) and move out during renovations (easiest and most expensive)
2. Cheaper contractor and you live through it (less expensive but more annoying and more work)
3. Marriage counseling to come up with another option.

I would commit to no other renovations for 5 years (unless something breaks). Make it clear this is the one you care about and the hill you will die on. And that you will do the work to make it happen.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Team DH. Have you ever lived through a kitchen remodel? Typically you need to move out.

I don't get the argument at all. Just buy a house that's updated.

So dramatic. You don’t need to move out unless you’re making major structural changes.

[Anonymous]

I’m guessing he does this about a lot of other things too. You need to stop being a pushover

[Anonymous]

People on DCUM tend to sneer but we put in an IKEA kitchen 12 years ago that has held up very well, and it didn’t cost as much as a traditional kitchen.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
My husband, who escaped a war as a child and suffered extreme deprivation, is now a financially-successful adult who cannot spend his wealth. He also hoards. These are the consequences of lasting trauma from childhood. He is completely unattached to material things, or how they look or are perceived by others.

We bought one house, very old and rickety but on valuable land in a desirable neighborhood. He agreed to critical renovations, but there are still so many things that could use an upgrade, that will never get done. Our cars are ancient and beaten up, but won't get replaced until they literally cannot move. He doesn't replace his clothes unless there are holes or visible stains.

Meanwhile we have 10M+ in various assets. Thank goodness, he became successful through education, and he is willing to spend on our children's education as well. Otherwise I would divorce him.

So you have all my sympathies. The only way I can get him to spend is by dint of persistent persuasion, where I present all my arguments with scientific precision. Sometimes it takes years to get him to make a purchase. Keep trying.

Similar story here, although not *quite* as financially successful. The legacy of growing up with a lot of fear and uncertainty is that my DH hedges against everything and hates to spend on anything other than education or health care. He finally agreed to a renovation and addition on our tiny, tear-down level house a few years ago. Just as we started, I got a big promotion and a 50% raise. So we made wise choices but didn't opt for the least or the cheapest thing we could do. It's still a small house, not nearly as posh as what most of our colleagues have. But he now LOVES the post-reno house and acknowledged that we should have done it sooner. The only problem we have now is that he literally refuses to travel because he's so comfortable at home!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Tough call. I am a woman but would be like the husband in this situation though I sympathize with OP as well.

This isn't some small little thing she wants. It's tens of thousands of dollars for something that is mostly cosmetic. Plus it comes with quality of life inconvenience (and most people are not going to want to rent another house while it's being done!). And she's already like "and you should see our bathrooms..." so you can see where this is going. He's thinking if they open the floodgates with this, it's going to be a new project every year and they may as well just get a new house in a couple ofyears (smaller because the kids will be in college). That makes a ton of sense, I'd 100% be the one making those arguments.


Otoh wifes arguments are valid too. She works and keeps house. They nominally agreed to this in the past. There are cracks that need fixing. They have the money in theory.

What you definitely shouldn't do is the face-lift because you'll still be unhappy with that and your husband will be annoyed you spent the money and still don't like it.

I think you need a heart to heart about finances in general and that you feel undervalued because you make less. A portion of money should be set aside each year for household repairs. And if that money doesn't end up being used for an emergency then use what is left for this remodel.

This. OP, you, and most of the amen chorus in this post, are treating this as if he is being completely unreasonable, without a leg to stand on. That's just not the case. I get that it's frustrating when one partner is good with the status quo, and effectively has a veto, and I think he should reach come compromise with you. But it sounds like he did that with new counters and refacing, and you're still unhappy that he hasn't completely capitulated, and calling his position ridiculous. This isn't as one-sided as you are making it appear.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:People on DCUM tend to sneer but we put in an IKEA kitchen 12 years ago that has held up very well, and it didn’t cost as much as a traditional kitchen.

NP posting to empathize with OP. This is what we did too. And now 16 years later the bones of the cabinets are still good but we need new doors and countertops. I wanted to gut the whole thing and DH thinks the old IKEA is still fine because “everything works” but our compromise is to do just a facelift.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Tough call. I am a woman but would be like the husband in this situation though I sympathize with OP as well.

This isn't some small little thing she wants. It's tens of thousands of dollars for something that is mostly cosmetic. Plus it comes with quality of life inconvenience (and most people are not going to want to rent another house while it's being done!). And she's already like "and you should see our bathrooms..." so you can see where this is going. He's thinking if they open the floodgates with this, it's going to be a new project every year and they may as well just get a new house in a couple ofyears (smaller because the kids will be in college). That makes a ton of sense, I'd 100% be the one making those arguments.


Otoh wifes arguments are valid too. She works and keeps house. They nominally agreed to this in the past. There are cracks that need fixing. They have the money in theory.

What you definitely shouldn't do is the face-lift because you'll still be unhappy with that and your husband will be annoyed you spent the money and still don't like it.

I think you need a heart to heart about finances in general and that you feel undervalued because you make less. A portion of money should be set aside each year for household repairs. And if that money doesn't end up being used for an emergency then use what is left for this remodel.

This. OP, you, and most of the amen chorus in this post, are treating this as if he is being completely unreasonable, without a leg to stand on. That's just not the case. I get that it's frustrating when one partner is good with the status quo, and effectively has a veto, and I think he should reach come compromise with you. But it sounds like he did that with new counters and refacing, and you're still unhappy that he hasn't completely capitulated, and calling his position ridiculous. This isn't as one-sided as you are making it appear.

+1

OP, if he doesn’t want the remodel, you are asking for a $75k birthday present. Would you do the same for him?