Resentment - impasse over home improvement

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I know a lot of people that divorce after a remodel. I'd tread carefully and just do what's necessary.

"I'd be happy if only we remodeled the kitchen."
[Remodel happens, still not happy.]
"Whoops."

[Anonymous]

I would definitely get therapy over this and I would also hire a designer. Tell her a budget but also what she would recommend if you were to do it in phases. Sit down with your husband and discuss which options he likes and how to proceed with the phases or to do it all at once.
My husband is kind of the same way where he really does not like change or being put out for anything..... But at some point it's either going to be the way I want it or we're going to come up with a compromise that we can both live with. Because like you said the default is nothing and that means he gets what he wants. Therapy told him that that wasn't fair and he was using that against me in a variety of ways. He is now much more open to discussing projects and things that we both want

[Anonymous]

I think it's best if you just put this house up for sale and you guys find a house that will suit you both for the next few decades.
It sounds like he pulled a bait and switch on you knowing that items would be updated over time, but that time is at no point in the future.

So I would say therapy and then put the house up for sale and this time don't agree to a house unless it is absolutely everything you want it to be because you know he will not spend a dime to change it

[Anonymous]

You say you have the money for this but how much do you truly understand about the family finances? Because being the sole breadwinner is very stressful. I am very aware of the need to fund college educations and retirement. It takes way more money than you would think. $175k that I had would not go into a kitchen and house updated. It would be invested for the long term.
It sounds like your DH handles the money. You may have very different visions of whether you have adequate money to be safe and can take on this discretionary expense.

Someone mentioned autistic like traits. I can tell you I have an autistic family member who is extremely upset by any change that is proposed in living conditions. Once it happens, he is fine with it and even can enjoy it. But thinking about his familiar safe place changing is extraordinarily stressful. Your DH may not even be able to articulate what about this stresses him out.