Resentment - impasse over home improvement
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Anonymous
Sometimes you just gotta do what you gotta do. |
Anonymous
Np. Yep. Especially when the rest of the marriage is good. My Dh had to pay his own way through college working and then also had $$$ student loans. He thinks it builds character and doesn’t want to pay anything towards our kids. I straight up told him I’m putting 8k in a year per kid and he can shove it. I work. If he has any issues with this, I can quit work entirely and see how he misses my paycheck. So far so good! We have a lovely marriage and our kids college is somewhat funded. Sometimes you know you’re right and you just have to do it. Your spouse won’t admit they’re wrong but also knows deep down that you’re right and they won’t stop it. |
Anonymous
Then it's time for marriage counseling to get out of this cycle. Because it's no actually about the reno for you. You said in another post that you had $350k in profit for selling a joint property and used the word "denied" when he shot down your proposal to use some of that money for a reno. There's a lot more going on here than a husband that doesn't want to do a renovation. |
Anonymous
The bolded has nothing to do with miscommunication or anxiety over money. He is stringing you along, just like he did when you bought the house with the intention to renovate down the line. You will not buy a new house when your daughter leaves for college. My DH pulls this shit where he sounds like he is open to something down the line until the time comes to actually do it. Go to therapy now. |
Anonymous
That would frustrate me to no end, OP, I'm sorry. |
Anonymous
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I'm kind of like your husband. This whole remodeling thing is such a modern American trend. It doesn't make any real logical sense. Why get rid of perfectly good functional cabinets? It's so environmentally unsustainable. And it is a pain in the butt. And it does cost a lot of money. I get it though - I look at the shiny glossies on the magazine cover and I get a little envious also. But it's not enough to put me over. Also I am at home more than my husband and would need to take the brunt of the stress of dealing with the contractors and having them in the house. DH has always experienced it as something that just magically happens in the background, but I am the one who makes it all happen, and it's a pain.
He now wants to replace all our flooring. He is pretty angry that we haven't gotten it done yet. But, our floors aren't TERRIBLE. Yes, they're worn and splintery in some spots. But again, the thought of the cost, the time, and everything else, makes me not want to do it. |
Anonymous
Broken and dated are very different things. |
Anonymous
| $100,000 is a lot of money! |
Anonymous
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Think, op, if you redo the kitchen, will you be happy? My concern is that you won’t be, that you’ll see it as a reminder of all the things your husband didn’t care about.
I think too, this is how some women and I am a woman, turn into toddlers when making a big purchase, we know our husbands will never ever “let” if you will, us modify whatever thing the real estate agent or the car salesman says can “be done later”. We know who we married. I’m also not sure it’s fair to hold someone to promises they made ten years ago. My husband and I bought a hybrid car back in 2004. We were told that we’d have to replace the battery in 10 years and we were told how much it would cost, a few grand, but since we’d just bought a whole entire car, our first as a married couple, the car we’d hoped to bring our children home from the hospital in, and ten years was a long way away, it wasn’t anything to think about. Ten years later, we had one kid, I was expecting our second and the car had had issues, broke down several times, and we’d moved twice meaning we were no longer near the mechanic who seemed to be the only mechanic who could or would work on the car. The car also didn’t have Bluetooth which wasn’t a problem in 2004, but it became one once we moved to Maryland in 2014. Was I not supposed to move to Maryland because the car wouldn’t like it? Really? Was my husband not supposed to use his phone while he was driving because “you all chose that car way back when, you should have anticipated”. No, the car no longer met our needs, that was all. Oh, and those other issues, the heat didn’t work and we were paying more to “try and fix it” plus the discomfort of no heat, not having a car while it’s in the shop… again, and still having the f**cker break down just as my husband left the shop, the mechanic had fixed the heat, unfortunately, making sure the car could and would successfully drive wasn’t high on his priority list. All this to say, it became clear we simply needed a new car. Also, we did replace the battery, on schedule, the car was in the shop for that too because that’s where it goes when the battery needs to be replaced, and less then a year later, I’d had enough. The car was sold. We by no means got our money’s worth out of the replacement battery, and yes, the car still had issues, broke down with my newborn in it, heat was still an issue. My husband has some anxiety around money too and maybe some slight autism, all that is fine, I got to a point where I channeled my inner feminist and told him what we were doing. For you, op, I’d fix the kitchen or if this really isn’t about the kitchen, I’d figure out what it is. Have you told your husband “I’d not care so much about the kitchen, but the little things I want, companionship, experiences I’d like to have with you, whatever, you don’t seem to want to do, but we all use the kitchen, I need to know you care about me, do you want to focus on smaller things, or would you like me to schedule a contractor. I really do think the real estate agents are too lax about “just renovate” or “just remodel” and they are good at using psychological pressure “You all have to decide” “don’t argue you two, you are such a cute couple” when all us ladies are trying to do is point out to our husbands why we don’t like the house we are looking at. We aren’t fighting, we aren’t mad, we don’t “lack vision”, we simply don’t like the house the dimwit agent is trying to sell us. |
Anonymous
He did that, when he said to do the refacing. But that isn't good enough. You are, apparently, stuck in the mindset of, "Unless he agrees to a completely new kitchen my feelings don't matter to him!!" That's very middle schooler petulant tantrumy. It seems like couples therapy would be helpful . . . but only if you acknowledge that you *both* have work to do. |
Anonymous
A crack in the granite is broken, not dated. |
Anonymous
Sometimes it is just about the kitchen. No need to write a novel. |
Anonymous
The problem is that you are describing it exactly how he wants you to describe it—an impasse. But in reality this isn’t an impasse at all. That would imply that neither of you is getting what you want and so you’re stuck. But that’s not what’s happening. He is perfectly happy doing nothing. You are not. It’s time for you to assert your desire and spell it out : Larlo—we have lived in this home for X years and you’ve been very happy with it the way it is. I have been unhappy with the way our kitchen looks and functions, and it’s made me uncomfortable. And now it’s my turn to be happy in our environment too. It will be uncomfortable for you for a month or so while the remodeling is happening. And then I am looking forward to both of us really enjoying the new space.” Then schedule the demolition day and enjoy! |
Anonymous
| I know a lot of people that divorce after a remodel. I'd tread carefully and just do what's necessary. |
Anonymous
Depends on the crack, obviously. |