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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]At some point you are going to sell the house and you’d need to upgrade the kitchen and bathrooms to get full value, and not just repainting the cabinets. Many buyers will not want to take on the project so you are limiting the audience. Doing it now will save you money in the long run and you will get to enjoy it. Come up with a redo and timing that is the least disruptive to your living there. [/quote]

OP here. I know all of this and have said it all repeatedly. Falls on deaf ears. I feel confident that rationale and common sense are on my side. It doesn’t matter - it’s like talking to a brick wall on this subject. He’s perfectly pleasant on other subjects. Funny, a good father. We take vacations, he doesn’t nit pick day to day household spending. But any mention of this and he’s just like[b] “mmm hmmm, that’s nice, but NO.[/b]”[/quote]

What does he value? Say NO to whatever it is he wants to buy or do. [/quote]

Sadly, [b]he values growing numbers on a balance sheet. He wins, I lose. [/b]I do work, but he makes way more. I am by far the primary parent though and handle the mental load, the food planning/shopping/prepping and most of the cleaning. [/quote]

You’ve capitulated way too easily.

Based on what you shared, it IS about the money. He values investing more than a kitchen.

Which is why you need to get a new job, a second job, etc to fund the renovation.  [/quote]

Who will cook, clean and do all the laundry while I’m at my second job? Your idea sounds nice, but [b]I’m pretty stuck unless I want family life to collapse which I don’t.[/b] [/quote]

You are choosing to be a victim. You're not stuck. You could earn more money to pay for it yourself, but you're choosing not to. Own your choices.[/quote]

We have the money, 20x over. It’s not as though the money only belongs to him. [/quote]

Then spend it. There is no reason for this post if you believe the above.[/quote]

I don’t believe it, it’s true.

BUT it wouldn’t solve my issue that it’s really hurtful to me that he doesn’t value at all that this is important to me. It would just be great if he would say “I don’t understand wanting this, but it’s clearly very important to you so I want you to have it. Let’s keep the budget to X.” Or something like that. It would mean everything to me. Doing it to spite him/in spite of him is not what I want. [/quote]

OP, this way of thinking is simply not going to be helpful to you in any way.  You can’t wrap your self-worth or his respect for you into a kitchen remodel.  It’s this kind of thinking that builds resentment in marriage.  He is never going to think like this, and you need to be OK with that.

In some level, doing the remodel is always going to be “in spite of him” because he does not value it.  So you need to work together to figure out a strategy where he understands that even though this isn’t important to him, it is important enough to you that he should sacrifice his goals and do it.  And not complain about the inconvenience.

I am not team you or team DH, just a person who likes having healthy relationships.  [/quote]

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