Non-monogamy: dealbreaker? or am I being close-minded?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm just stumped by the "I love you"s. Do you both really mean it? I wouldn't be there unless there was some sort of commitment to being exclusive and you genuinely feel it.

OP again. This is the issue! I mean it when I tell him "I love you," and have no problem committing to monogamy at this stage: we're way past the period of just trying to figure out if we get along, if there's chemistry and all that. We have very intense conversations, both in person and by text. We've supported each other emotionally through some hard things (fall out from our divorces, deaths/illnesses of parents, grown kids with their own issues, etc). That doesn't mean I feel 100% like, "You're the one!" but it definitely means I am up for seeing where it goes.

He says "I love you" and I believe he means it, too. But the question is what it means to him! To him it means he cares about me, wants to spend time with me, can picture us happily continuing to have sex and spend extended periods of time together as lovers far into the future, maybe always-- he wants to plan some travel together next year, for instance-- but he isn't sure he is willing to say, "and I definitely won't be hooking up with other women."

OP, are you asking for permission to dump him over this? Because I give you permission to dump him over this. It's totally normal to expect monogamy from someone who loves you. He sounds kind of like a loser to me. I would want a man who is so smitten with me he can't seriously think about other women. He's simply not as in love with you as you are with him. It's ok for you to have your boundaries and not be ok with that.

[Anonymous]

It is never close-minded to decide that some sexual preference or arrangement is not for you. Like if I am heterosexual and a woman expresses an interest in me and I say "no I'm sorry but I'm only interested in men" that is not closed-minded. It's just that our sexual preferences do not line up so we can't be together. The end.

Close-minded would be telling this guy that you think his interest in ethical non-monogamy is gross or wrong. You don't feel that way. It's just not for you. And I don't see why your very well-thought out reasons for deciding it's not for you based on your own sexual history are somehow less valid than his. It's fine he doens't want a monogamous relationship. But you do. So it doesn't sound like you guys are compatible and while that may be a bummer it's not the end of the world. You don't even live in the same city! Just move on and you will find someone whose relationship preferences match yours or you will be happy alone but at least you will have made the decision for yourself.

To me this is just the 2024 version of a man pressuring a woman to be open to sex she doesn't want to have or to be a sahm when she wants to work or to have kids when she doesn't want them. The argument that you are being "closed minded" if you won't essentially adopt his sexual preferences is exactly the kind of coercive argument men have always used to try and get women to go along to get along. You don't have to. Do what YOU want and don't feel compelled to change your preferences to accommodate this man.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It is never close-minded to decide that some sexual preference or arrangement is not for you. Like if I am heterosexual and a woman expresses an interest in me and I say "no I'm sorry but I'm only interested in men" that is not closed-minded. It's just that our sexual preferences do not line up so we can't be together. The end.

Close-minded would be telling this guy that you think his interest in ethical non-monogamy is gross or wrong. You don't feel that way. It's just not for you. And I don't see why your very well-thought out reasons for deciding it's not for you based on your own sexual history are somehow less valid than his. It's fine he doens't want a monogamous relationship. But you do. So it doesn't sound like you guys are compatible and while that may be a bummer it's not the end of the world. You don't even live in the same city! Just move on and you will find someone whose relationship preferences match yours or you will be happy alone but at least you will have made the decision for yourself.

To me this is just the 2024 version of a man pressuring a woman to be open to sex she doesn't want to have or to be a sahm when she wants to work or to have kids when she doesn't want them. The argument that you are being "closed minded" if you won't essentially adopt his sexual preferences is exactly the kind of coercive argument men have always used to try and get women to go along to get along. You don't have to. Do what YOU want and don't feel compelled to change your preferences to accommodate this man.

There's no indication he called her close-minded or is trying to coerce her into anything. He's being honest about a set of preferences that some women would be into. If she not, that's fine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:...this just makes me really uncomfortable. I find lots of men attractive, but have no problem, when I feel like I love someone, forgoing having sexual relationship with other men, and I think I would find it very hard not to feel insecure and threatened in a non-monogamous relationship.

Here's why you don't do this (yet). You're not ready. It makes you uncomfortable, and that's fine. Be honest with yourself and with him.

Because he's being hones with you: he's not (currently) interested in a monogamous relationship. If you are, you're incompatible.

Don't use other people to test your own waters. Sit with yourself and decide what's for you and what isn't, and then move accordingly. It's fine to be poly. It's equally fine to not be. What's not okay is playing games with people, intentionally or ignorantly, because you haven't taken the time by yourself to figure out what you want from a relationship.

[Anonymous]

Yeah, hard no. That guy wants you to have no standards. Hard pass.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Have you asked him how he would feel if you saw others?

OP here. He says, "jealous." But he also says he feels like this is something he wants to work on and get over.

Oh, eww. Nope. If he's not already practicing compersion and addressing jealousy, he's just playing the field and calling it "poly".

Not a great trait in a partner at all, and DEFINITELY not a good starting point for someone like you who's not really even sure about poly at all.

Skip this one, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is never close-minded to decide that some sexual preference or arrangement is not for you. Like if I am heterosexual and a woman expresses an interest in me and I say "no I'm sorry but I'm only interested in men" that is not closed-minded. It's just that our sexual preferences do not line up so we can't be together. The end.

Close-minded would be telling this guy that you think his interest in ethical non-monogamy is gross or wrong. You don't feel that way. It's just not for you. And I don't see why your very well-thought out reasons for deciding it's not for you based on your own sexual history are somehow less valid than his. It's fine he doens't want a monogamous relationship. But you do. So it doesn't sound like you guys are compatible and while that may be a bummer it's not the end of the world. You don't even live in the same city! Just move on and you will find someone whose relationship preferences match yours or you will be happy alone but at least you will have made the decision for yourself.

To me this is just the 2024 version of a man pressuring a woman to be open to sex she doesn't want to have or to be a sahm when she wants to work or to have kids when she doesn't want them. The argument that you are being "closed minded" if you won't essentially adopt his sexual preferences is exactly the kind of coercive argument men have always used to try and get women to go along to get along. You don't have to. Do what YOU want and don't feel compelled to change your preferences to accommodate this man.

There's no indication he called her close-minded or is trying to coerce her into anything. He's being honest about a set of preferences that some women would be into. If she not, that's fine.

Where did OP get the idea that saying no to this would be "closed-minded then?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:...this just makes me really uncomfortable. I find lots of men attractive, but have no problem, when I feel like I love someone, forgoing having sexual relationship with other men, and I think I would find it very hard not to feel insecure and threatened in a non-monogamous relationship.

Here's why you don't do this (yet). You're not ready. It makes you uncomfortable, and that's fine. Be honest with yourself and with him.

Because he's being hones with you: he's not (currently) interested in a monogamous relationship. If you are, you're incompatible.

Don't use other people to test your own waters. Sit with yourself and decide what's for you and what isn't, and then move accordingly. It's fine to be poly. It's equally fine to not be. What's not okay is playing games with people, intentionally or ignorantly, because you haven't taken the time by yourself to figure out what you want from a relationship.

He knows she hasn't done this before. This is low stakes for both of them. She could say to him, hey, I don't know if this is for me but I'm willing to give it a try, and he can make a choice about whether to do it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm just stumped by the "I love you"s. Do you both really mean it? I wouldn't be there unless there was some sort of commitment to being exclusive and you genuinely feel it.

OP again. This is the issue! I mean it when I tell him "I love you," and have no problem committing to monogamy at this stage: we're way past the period of just trying to figure out if we get along, if there's chemistry and all that. We have very intense conversations, both in person and by text. We've supported each other emotionally through some hard things (fall out from our divorces, deaths/illnesses of parents, grown kids with their own issues, etc). That doesn't mean I feel 100% like, "You're the one!" but it definitely means I am up for seeing where it goes.

He says "I love you" and I believe he means it, too. But the question is what it means to him! To him it means he cares about me, wants to spend time with me, can picture us happily continuing to have sex and spend extended periods of time together as lovers far into the future, maybe always-- he wants to plan some travel together next year, for instance-- but he isn't sure he is willing to say, "and I definitely won't be hooking up with other women."

If the bolded is important to you, and it sure seems to be, poly isn't a good relationship model for you. I love lots of people; I don't need to be exclusive with any of them, and not being monogamous with one person doesn't mean I love them any less.

OP, you seem to equate love with connection in a way that's exclusive. Not all people feel this way. It's not good or bad, it's just compatible or not, and your person seems to be an "or not" at this point. They were honest with you about that.

So either pursue this relationship, knowing it's not exclusive and may never be, or look for someone who's only interested in being with you, exclusively. Do not continue this relationship "hoping he comes around" to your way of seeing things. It's unfair, and a recipe for conflict and heartbreak.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is never close-minded to decide that some sexual preference or arrangement is not for you. Like if I am heterosexual and a woman expresses an interest in me and I say "no I'm sorry but I'm only interested in men" that is not closed-minded. It's just that our sexual preferences do not line up so we can't be together. The end.

Close-minded would be telling this guy that you think his interest in ethical non-monogamy is gross or wrong. You don't feel that way. It's just not for you. And I don't see why your very well-thought out reasons for deciding it's not for you based on your own sexual history are somehow less valid than his. It's fine he doens't want a monogamous relationship. But you do. So it doesn't sound like you guys are compatible and while that may be a bummer it's not the end of the world. You don't even live in the same city! Just move on and you will find someone whose relationship preferences match yours or you will be happy alone but at least you will have made the decision for yourself.

To me this is just the 2024 version of a man pressuring a woman to be open to sex she doesn't want to have or to be a sahm when she wants to work or to have kids when she doesn't want them. The argument that you are being "closed minded" if you won't essentially adopt his sexual preferences is exactly the kind of coercive argument men have always used to try and get women to go along to get along. You don't have to. Do what YOU want and don't feel compelled to change your preferences to accommodate this man.

There's no indication he called her close-minded or is trying to coerce her into anything. He's being honest about a set of preferences that some women would be into. If she not, that's fine.

Where did OP get the idea that saying no to this would be "closed-minded then?

Literally anywhere else? Maybe she googled polyamory and read something about it. Maybe a friend said it. Maybe it's just her own inner voice judging her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For me, it would be a deal-breaker. STD rates are skyrocketing among older folks.

This is true. It’s a personal decision, OP. If you are comfortable with the increased health risks and won’t feel jealous sharing his sexual feelings with other people either, then stay in the relationship. At least he’s being upfront about his expectations.

If not, don’t continue the sexual relationship and expect him to drop you as a friend.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is never close-minded to decide that some sexual preference or arrangement is not for you. Like if I am heterosexual and a woman expresses an interest in me and I say "no I'm sorry but I'm only interested in men" that is not closed-minded. It's just that our sexual preferences do not line up so we can't be together. The end.

Close-minded would be telling this guy that you think his interest in ethical non-monogamy is gross or wrong. You don't feel that way. It's just not for you. And I don't see why your very well-thought out reasons for deciding it's not for you based on your own sexual history are somehow less valid than his. It's fine he doens't want a monogamous relationship. But you do. So it doesn't sound like you guys are compatible and while that may be a bummer it's not the end of the world. You don't even live in the same city! Just move on and you will find someone whose relationship preferences match yours or you will be happy alone but at least you will have made the decision for yourself.

To me this is just the 2024 version of a man pressuring a woman to be open to sex she doesn't want to have or to be a sahm when she wants to work or to have kids when she doesn't want them. The argument that you are being "closed minded" if you won't essentially adopt his sexual preferences is exactly the kind of coercive argument men have always used to try and get women to go along to get along. You don't have to. Do what YOU want and don't feel compelled to change your preferences to accommodate this man.

There's no indication he called her close-minded or is trying to coerce her into anything. He's being honest about a set of preferences that some women would be into. If she not, that's fine.

Where did OP get the idea that saying no to this would be "closed-minded then?

Literally anywhere else? Maybe she googled polyamory and read something about it. Maybe a friend said it. Maybe it's just her own inner voice judging her.

Perhaps but it sounds from her description like the pressure to do this is all coming from him. If being non-monogamous was important to him why did he get into a relationship with someone before discussing it?

It really looks like he either slow played it in the hopes that once she was attached she'd agree to it OR that he maybe isn't committed to non-monogamy but views it as a way to hold onto a woman he likes while he also explores dating other women. Not really poly but just someone with fomo who is afraid of what he'll miss out on if he commits to one person. Like maybe for another woman he'd be fine giving up other women but for OP he's like "I really like you but want to see what else is out there."

The fact that this didn't start as an explicitly non-monogamous relationship and now he's springing it on her doens't sit well with me. Usually people who are committed to enm are very straight forward about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm just stumped by the "I love you"s. Do you both really mean it? I wouldn't be there unless there was some sort of commitment to being exclusive and you genuinely feel it.

I agree. When you love someone, you don't want to share them. I am not a jealous person, op, but I personally couldn't accept this arrangement and believe he actually loves me/I love him. It rings untrue.

This is just your opinion, not a universal truth.

Simply because a handful of people can tolerate this poly nonsense doesn't make it common. Imo, it's an overt method of cheating which certain people tolerate for a period of time. Women, in particular, may start out cool with such an arrangement, but many grow weary of it. Op's man doesn't even know if another woman or women would be interested in catching his dick as he attempts to toss it around and op isn't on board, whether she acknowledges it or not.

[Anonymous]

It would be a deal breaker for me.

He sounds like a player, honestly, but at least he is a honest one.

[Anonymous]

I recently met a guy who is in an open marriage. Wife is bi, and they play with other people alone and with each other. They have kids, FT jobs, and it seems to work for them.

It doesnt sound like a bad idea for you, I like pp at 10:19 describing her friends relationship. That sounds like it could work for you, if you want it to. Otherwise, there are plenty of fish out there.