Non-monogamy: dealbreaker? or am I being close-minded?

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thank you for all the thoughtful responses. I am genuinely struggling with this. I do think he is too, a bit; he has said that these are his fears and fantasies and that he doesn't want to be hiding those, but also doesn't want to lose me, and recognizes that what he thinks he wants now (non-monogamy) may be something he no longer feels he needs in six months, etc. We are both still working through some grief and resentment towards our respective exes, and I recognize that in some ways neither of us is necessarily at a place where we can say clearly (to ourselves or others), "I know what I want."

Honestly I woke up feeling angry at him-- feeling like, "Screw you, you may not intend to be manipulative or exploitative, but that is the result; you're just yet another middle-aged man who bizarrely thinks he's God's gift to women and should have some entitlement to sleep around in the name of freedom; either you care enough about me to keep your pants zipped, which seems like a pretty minimal requirement-- I am not proposing marriage, here–– or you don't, and if you don't, I'm done."

But then I was browsing through various newspapers and magazines and was looking at Slate's advice columns, and they have these very smart, thoughtful people talking about ethical non-monogamy, and that made me think that maybe I was being to harsh on him, and should try to have more willingness to be open to the possibility that my own assumptions are too rigid, and could/should be challenged-- or at least open to accepting that these are still early days, I don't completely know what I want or what will work for me, and I should be open to saying, "look, I feel some discomfort about this, but am willing to see where things go and how we each feel in another month or two or three and just keep reevaluating."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It would be a deal breaker for me.

He sounds like a player, honestly, but at least he is a honest one.

Anecdotally, my friend was in the situation at the beginning of a relationship. She was quick to agree to non-monogamy and dated a lot of people (having just left a marriage to her previously one and only). The guy who proposed this situation ended up becoming really jealous and possessive of her (evidently, she faired better in the dating market than he did). She broke it off. We still laugh about it.

[Anonymous]

It won’t work. The dude wants to have his cake and eat it too. Locked up for 35 years and wants it both ways now.

[Anonymous]

If you expect to be monogamous then him making the relationship "open" or "polyamorous" is only half open. It won't feel good and opens you to STDs and angst.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It won’t work. The dude wants to have his cake and eat it too. Locked up for 35 years and wants it both ways now.

Wrong. He would be crazy to be monogamous with OP. OP has more red flags than a Communist parade. He should probably just dump her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It won’t work. The dude wants to have his cake and eat it too. Locked up for 35 years and wants it both ways now.

Wrong. He would be crazy to be monogamous with OP. OP has more red flags than a Communist parade. He should probably just dump her.

^ Got some anger issues, PP?

[Anonymous]

OP, he had no idea how he would feel about this "non monogamous" relationship with you --- until he is faced with you regularly sleeping with other men.

Only, then, does he really know how he feels about it.

[Anonymous]

He just got out of a long marriage and isn’t ready to commit to a serious relationship with you. That’s what’s really going on here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Agree it’s good he’s being honest, but pretty sad it’s such a low bar that we give men credit for this.

OP I’d steer clear of this lifestyle. All the hemming and hawing about “ethical non-monogamy” and the “poly-lifestyle” are internet buzzwords for a phenomenon as old as time, ie folks who want to have a lot of sex. Great! They should, as long as it’s safe and consensual. But I find all these ethereal discussions about the emotions surrounding it are often designed to elevate it to something it’s not (a more “enlightened” life than boring monogamous folks) and/or pressure unsure people into accepting relationships with no boundaries. This doesn’t even address the health risks; in my experience older men do not want to wrap it up, period. See the recent WaPo article on the rising age of STDs.

Bottom line, do what you want but follow your gut, this guy seems like he’s on the page that suits him best: his own.

100% agree. I live in a VERY lifestyle friendly area. I get it- most of these people are wealthy married whites 40-55 who are bored in their LTR.

A guy who isn’t into me enough to need to continue having sex w others ant the onset of a relationship, isn’t my guy. I love sex and enjoy it without condoms, so monogamy works for me - ask him what he means by primary.

In my limited experience 50 yo men are using it to mean “I want you to be my person who cooks for me and makes me feel special and is my public girlfriend but meanwhile they’re on feeld seeking all kinds of weird sex.

Nah, thanks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He just got out of a long marriage and isn’t ready to commit to a serious relationship with you. That’s what’s really going on here.

+1. He’s just not ready. It’s a fair state of mind. But he can’t have his cake and eat it too.

op you are in the driver’s seat here. Tell him that if he changes his mind about monogamy at some point he can reach out again but don’t wait around for him either. You never know.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, he had no idea how he would feel about this "non monogamous" relationship with you --- until he is faced with you regularly sleeping with other men.

Only, then, does he really know how he feels about it.

That's exactly right. "Ethical non-monogamy" is a two way street. When there's an emotional connection, as there is here, no one is going to be happy with their partner sleeping around. And of course women have so many more options. It's always the man that proposes some poly whatever thing so he can explore. And they always get crushed when they learn that the woman they really like can have a date night with a random any day of the week if she so chooses. It absolutely never works out. The man realizes he's an idiot. The woman feels rejected and like she's not good enough. And the damage is done.

In this particular case, the man is presently undateable. It's not unreasonable to want to be with different people after a very long monogamous relationship. But people like that should obviously be avoided if you're not on the same page. He should have been very upfront that he's not ready for a real relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm female, 50, divorced and recently started dating again. I'm successful, attractive and very young looking for my age, and haven't had trouble meeting interested men. I've been dating a man I met through work who in many ways is wonderful for me: also recently divorced, a few years older, lots of common interests. The sex is great, we have great conversations, and we text on and off all day, every day. We are semi-long distance, so we see each other mostly on weekends, but when we are together it's terrific. Lots of "I love yous" exchanged.

The problem– which maybe isn't a problem? – is that while I have always assumed monogamy is an essential part of an serious relationship, he feels like he is not sure he wants to be in a committedly non-monogamous long term relationship. Some of this is our very different pasts: I have had several serious relationships in my life, including two marriages and two other live-in relationships that lasted a few years, as well as plenty of other less serious relationships before my marriage and between marriages. I don't really know if I ever want to live full-time with a man again, let alone ever marry again, and I take it for granted that even relationships that begin with love and commitment can fail (don't I know it). However, in an ideal world, I would really like to be in a committed, monogamous, LTR.

He, on the other hand, married a woman he had know since middle school and had dated since high school, and divorced after a 35 year marriage; he feels like he missed out on getting to explore sexually and emotionally when he was young. His marriage was a good partnership but never really involved a lot of passion or sex, and he is frightened of jumping into another LTR right out of his marriage. He also has close friends who are in open relationships or "poly" relationships, and he finds that model very appealing; he likes the idea that one could be in committed, loving relationships with several people at once, even if one of those people is your "primary" person. He says he loves me very much, wants to continue to deepen our relationship and can imagine being life partners, but he is not sure he could commit to monogamy.

Intellectually, I get this. Different people are different, love is not a finite resource, and on some level I feel like, okay, I can imagine two people in a committed but non-monogamous long term relationship, and it's not like I want to jump into another marriage, or that I'm even entirely sure I would *want* a long-term relationship with him: it's still pretty early (about six months), so why not stay open-minded, and in fact I could date other men too?

On another level, this just makes me really uncomfortable. I find lots of men attractive, but have no problem, when I feel like I love someone, forgoing having sexual relationship with other men, and I think I would find it very hard not to feel insecure and threatened in a non-monogamous relationship.

Curious to know what others out there think. Should I try to be more open-minded, and at least be willing to explore how things might go if we tried to proceed on a non-monogamous basis? Or run for the hills?

2 marriages? Lol

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It won’t work. The dude wants to have his cake and eat it too. Locked up for 35 years and wants it both ways now.

Wrong. He would be crazy to be monogamous with OP. OP has more red flags than a Communist parade. He should probably just dump her.

Both can be true. I’m going to use that red flag line.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It won’t work. The dude wants to have his cake and eat it too. Locked up for 35 years and wants it both ways now.

Wrong. He would be crazy to be monogamous with OP. OP has more red flags than a Communist parade. He should probably just dump her.

I don't disagree with this.
The analogy is funny too lol.

OP sounds like she sowed her wild oats and some more.
That's why I'm sympathetic for the guy getting his fun too.
If the 2 of them are meant to be, they will evolve into a monogamous relationship together.

[Anonymous]

I was in a 3 yr post-divorce relationship that was monogamous, or so I thought. He gave me herpes which I think he got from random hookups with his ex even though she was with someone else too. It was quite a surprise for me, I had no idea he was doing anyone else so not exactly what you are talking about.

Would you be ok with it if he gave you herpes or something else? Would he be ok with it if you gave it to him? Condoms don't necessarily prevent transmission of herpes.