Non-monogamy: dealbreaker? or am I being close-minded?

[Anonymous]

I'm female, 50, divorced and recently started dating again. I'm successful, attractive and very young looking for my age, and haven't had trouble meeting interested men. I've been dating a man I met through work who in many ways is wonderful for me: also recently divorced, a few years older, lots of common interests. The sex is great, we have great conversations, and we text on and off all day, every day. We are semi-long distance, so we see each other mostly on weekends, but when we are together it's terrific. Lots of "I love yous" exchanged.

The problem– which maybe isn't a problem? – is that while I have always assumed monogamy is an essential part of an serious relationship, he feels like he is not sure he wants to be in a committedly non-monogamous long term relationship. Some of this is our very different pasts: I have had several serious relationships in my life, including two marriages and two other live-in relationships that lasted a few years, as well as plenty of other less serious relationships before my marriage and between marriages. I don't really know if I ever want to live full-time with a man again, let alone ever marry again, and I take it for granted that even relationships that begin with love and commitment can fail (don't I know it). However, in an ideal world, I would really like to be in a committed, monogamous, LTR.

He, on the other hand, married a woman he had know since middle school and had dated since high school, and divorced after a 35 year marriage; he feels like he missed out on getting to explore sexually and emotionally when he was young. His marriage was a good partnership but never really involved a lot of passion or sex, and he is frightened of jumping into another LTR right out of his marriage. He also has close friends who are in open relationships or "poly" relationships, and he finds that model very appealing; he likes the idea that one could be in committed, loving relationships with several people at once, even if one of those people is your "primary" person. He says he loves me very much, wants to continue to deepen our relationship and can imagine being life partners, but he is not sure he could commit to monogamy.

Intellectually, I get this. Different people are different, love is not a finite resource, and on some level I feel like, okay, I can imagine two people in a committed but non-monogamous long term relationship, and it's not like I want to jump into another marriage, or that I'm even entirely sure I would *want* a long-term relationship with him: it's still pretty early (about six months), so why not stay open-minded, and in fact I could date other men too?

On another level, this just makes me really uncomfortable. I find lots of men attractive, but have no problem, when I feel like I love someone, forgoing having sexual relationship with other men, and I think I would find it very hard not to feel insecure and threatened in a non-monogamous relationship.

Curious to know what others out there think. Should I try to be more open-minded, and at least be willing to explore how things might go if we tried to proceed on a non-monogamous basis? Or run for the hills?

[Anonymous]

Different strokes for different folks, sounds like you prefer monogamy, which is fine. At least he’s being honest about it and not going behind your back.

[Anonymous]

Only you know if it's a deal breaker or not.

I want monogamy in my marriage. If I divorce, I will never remarry, casual dating from that point forward, so no expectation of monogamy.

[Anonymous]

Agree it’s good he’s being honest, but pretty sad it’s such a low bar that we give men credit for this.

OP I’d steer clear of this lifestyle. All the hemming and hawing about “ethical non-monogamy” and the “poly-lifestyle” are internet buzzwords for a phenomenon as old as time, ie folks who want to have a lot of sex. Great! They should, as long as it’s safe and consensual. But I find all these ethereal discussions about the emotions surrounding it are often designed to elevate it to something it’s not (a more “enlightened” life than boring monogamous folks) and/or pressure unsure people into accepting relationships with no boundaries. This doesn’t even address the health risks; in my experience older men do not want to wrap it up, period. See the recent WaPo article on the rising age of STDs.

Bottom line, do what you want but follow your gut, this guy seems like he’s on the page that suits him best: his own.

[Anonymous]

The downside for you of trying this seems minimal. And if you're likely not interested in living with a partner full time, this could be a good fit. But if you already feel freaked out by the possibility of this, you certainly don't have to.

[Anonymous]

On one hand, most relationships that are declared/intended to be monogamous ultimately do not remain so - someone cheats, or the relationship ends.

On the other hand, it's hard (for me at least) to imagine a non-monogamous relationship having enough "glue" to survive real life challenges (sickness, financial ruin, etc) - which is an important reason why we have relationships.

I dunno. I "get" the idea of non-monogamy, it just seems fraught. Of course, so is monogamy. So are all relationships.

It sounds like you have a good relationship. If you were my friend, I would ask you - what do you think of just enjoying it and see where it goes/where your feelings on this go? If that idea doesn't (or does) sit well with you, maybe you have your answer?

[Anonymous]

You’ve had many relationships, he’s had one or no more than a few. I can see where he is coming from and while I wouldn’t be happy with it I could accept it with one big caveat. He always uses protection and gets tested regularly and never talks to me about other women. In a few months he may decide that playing the field isn’t worth it and that monogamy isn’t so bad.

[Anonymous]

He says he loves me very much, wants to continue to deepen our relationship and can imagine being life partners, but he is not sure he could commit to monogamy.

Wow. He couldn’t find a way to make his offer less appealing, huh? Good Lord OP.

[Anonymous]

So admittedly I haven’t had experience with this but my bestie has been divorced for 10 years and I’ve Learned a lot about her and the modern dating scene. Although she was in a couple of monogamous relationships that were exclusive, she has settled into a long-term relationship of three years plus with a man who dates other women, and she occasionally dates other men. They talk about it some, but not too much, it doesn’t involve threesomes, but she does understand that he if he isn’t available on the weekends and she wants to go out on a date with someone else that’s not a problem. They tried to make it exclusive at the beginning, but it just didn’t work for him and she liked him enough to see if they could keep it at this high level of casualness. As it stands, she’s extremely happy and it’s working great for her. She has her kids on alternating weekends and sees her girlfriends and has her life and a few ongoing dates on the side as well.

[Anonymous]

I'm just stumped by the "I love you"s. Do you both really mean it? I wouldn't be there unless there was some sort of commitment to being exclusive and you genuinely feel it.

[Anonymous]

Have you asked him how he would feel if you saw others?

[Anonymous]

Two make a couple, three makes a crowd.

[Anonymous]

BTDT. Run for the hills.

[Anonymous]

For me, it would be a deal-breaker. STD rates are skyrocketing among older folks.

[Anonymous]

I would run away fast from this man. He's probably not attractive either. If he's trying to meet polyamory + polyamory, people will still cheat on each other all the time. Look at this. Don't be like this people

https://www.reddit.com/r/polyamory/comments/udhe1q/caught_my_husband_and_girlfriend_having_sex_am_i/