Non-monogamy: dealbreaker? or am I being close-minded?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hey op
I’m a man in a similar situation
She wants non exclusive but seems to always make me a priority

I’ve never had an opportunity to feel jealous or a lack because when we are together she is 101% present

But she doesn’t want to be tied down

I’m 40 she is early 30s

I use this same thing you posted and it works great: look, I feel some discomfort about this, but am willing to see where things go and how we each feel in another month or two or three and just keep reevaluating."

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thank you for all the thoughtful responses. I am genuinely struggling with this. I do think he is too, a bit; he has said that these are his fears and fantasies and that he doesn't want to be hiding those, but also doesn't want to lose me, and recognizes that what he thinks he wants now (non-monogamy) may be something he no longer feels he needs in six months, etc. We are both still working through some grief and resentment towards our respective exes, and I recognize that in some ways neither of us is necessarily at a place where we can say clearly (to ourselves or others), "I know what I want."

Honestly I woke up feeling angry at him-- feeling like, "Screw you, you may not intend to be manipulative or exploitative, but that is the result; you're just yet another middle-aged man who bizarrely thinks he's God's gift to women and should have some entitlement to sleep around in the name of freedom; either you care enough about me to keep your pants zipped, which seems like a pretty minimal requirement-- I am not proposing marriage, here–– or you don't, and if you don't, I'm done."

But then I was browsing through various newspapers and magazines and was looking at Slate's advice columns, and they have these very smart, thoughtful people talking about ethical non-monogamy, and that made me think that maybe I was being to harsh on him, and should try to have more willingness to be open to the possibility that my own assumptions are too rigid, and could/should be challenged-- or at least open to accepting that these are still early days, I don't completely know what I want or what will work for me, and I should be open to saying, "look, I feel some discomfort about this, but am willing to see where things go and how we each feel in another month or two or three and just keep reevaluating."

That’s because you’re 10 years older. She’s keeping you around until she finds a younger man or until she is certain you’re the right guy for her.

Different poster. A man can do this too. He can keep a woman around as he explores his options and sleeps with his options while keeping the woman there and giving her little attention.

[Anonymous]

Does poly ever work long term? I get that it could work short term, but it is hard to imagine it being both stable and good for all concerned (not just for some) longer term.

[Anonymous]

I’d leave him to his women op and I’d tell him that if he wants you, you’re a one woman kind of gal and then I’d move on.
For whatever reason, my yuck vibe is going. The fact that he’s a coworker is troubling, and the fact that you are considering something that you don’t want to do is troubling.
You are 50. You’ve been alive long enough to know that you can try something and if you don’t like it, end the thing you don’t like. You don’t need random people to tell you any of this. If you date him and don’t like it, end it. If you don’t like what he’s telling you he’s going to do, don’t date him.
I’m also wondering how far back you and this coworker go. You mention that he’s supported you through divorce fallout and parent illness/death do you ever have a normal day or conversation with this guy because when he’s not talking about your problems he’s whining about his marriage. I’d be tired of the comforting and Monday morning quarterbacking and just want a loving romantic relationship with someone who wanted to be with me and only me sexually. It doesn’t make sense why a woman who is your age who says she can get lots of guys would even look twice at the dirty old man coworker.

[Anonymous]

On the other hand! The stakes do not seem that high, OP, if you can retain (or get) some degree of emotional detachment. You don't know exactly what you want, either, and you're also coming out of a marriage. Maybe just keep it a little light: tell him you will see how it goes, but plan to be actively dating other men as long as he is actively dating other women.

Maybe he will decide he can't handle that and is up for monogamy after all. Or maybe you will meet someone you like better, who doesn't come with any red flags. Or maybe you will realize you kind of like having multiple men available to you! Or not– maybe you will end up saying, this is definitely not for me. But don't see a big downside to you of giving this a bit of time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: I’d leave him to his women op and I’d tell him that if he wants you, you’re a one woman kind of gal and then I’d move on.
For whatever reason, my yuck vibe is going. The fact that he’s a coworker is troubling, and the fact that you are considering something that you don’t want to do is troubling.
You are 50. You’ve been alive long enough to know that you can try something and if you don’t like it, end the thing you don’t like. You don’t need random people to tell you any of this. If you date him and don’t like it, end it. If you don’t like what he’s telling you he’s going to do, don’t date him.
I’m also wondering how far back you and this coworker go. You mention that he’s supported you through divorce fallout and parent illness/death do you ever have a normal day or conversation with this guy because when he’s not talking about your problems he’s whining about his marriage. I’d be tired of the comforting and Monday morning quarterbacking and just want a loving romantic relationship with someone who wanted to be with me and only me sexually. It doesn’t make sense why a woman who is your age who says she can get lots of guys would even look twice at the dirty old man coworker.

Very astute. Right on.
I totally agree that this isn’t a situation of 2 people meeting each other and “dating.” There’s a history of non-monogamy and precedence.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:On the other hand! The stakes do not seem that high, OP, if you can retain (or get) some degree of emotional detachment. You don't know exactly what you want, either, and you're also coming out of a marriage. Maybe just keep it a little light: tell him you will see how it goes, but plan to be actively dating other men as long as he is actively dating other women.

Maybe he will decide he can't handle that and is up for monogamy after all. Or maybe you will meet someone you like better, who doesn't come with any red flags. Or maybe you will realize you kind of like having multiple men available to you! Or not– maybe you will end up saying, this is definitely not for me. But don't see a big downside to you of giving this a bit of time.

Agree. There's no timeline here for you. You're not looking for someone to live with. You don't even see this guy that much, so it's not taking up the time you could be spending meeting someone else. You're not making a choice here about forever monogamy vs. not, you're just trying this out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:On the other hand! The stakes do not seem that high, OP, if you can retain (or get) some degree of emotional detachment. You don't know exactly what you want, either, and you're also coming out of a marriage. Maybe just keep it a little light: tell him you will see how it goes, but plan to be actively dating other men as long as he is actively dating other women.

Maybe he will decide he can't handle that and is up for monogamy after all. Or maybe you will meet someone you like better, who doesn't come with any red flags. Or maybe you will realize you kind of like having multiple men available to you! Or not– maybe you will end up saying, this is definitely not for me. But don't see a big downside to you of giving this a bit of time.

Agree. There's no timeline here for you. You're not looking for someone to live with. You don't even see this guy that much, so it's not taking up the time you could be spending meeting someone else. You're not making a choice here about forever monogamy vs. not, you're just trying this out.

Is he practicing protected sex with OP? No unprotected sex of any kind and regularly tests for herpes ? I’m a woman who was cheated on and had painful UTIs from exH who slept with others.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Have you asked him how he would feel if you saw others?

OP here. He says, "jealous." But he also says he feels like this is something he wants to work on and get over.

Yeah. You've got to Kate Middleton this situation.

What does this mean?

PP here: When Prince William was on the fence about getting married after he and Kate had dated for many years she basically said, that's fine, and then she went out and lived her best life. It was widely covered by the media. William was apparently pretty upset and jealous and got the message that she would have no lack of men interested in her. He proposed shortly thereafter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Have you asked him how he would feel if you saw others?

OP here. He says, "jealous." But he also says he feels like this is something he wants to work on and get over.

Yeah. You've got to Kate Middleton this situation.

What does this mean?

PP here: When Prince William was on the fence about getting married after he and Kate had dated for many years she basically said, that's fine, and then she went out and lived her best life. It was widely covered by the media. William was apparently pretty upset and jealous and got the message that she would have no lack of men interested in her. He proposed shortly thereafter.

Oh geez now we have to know they got herpes too.. tmi

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:On the other hand! The stakes do not seem that high, OP, if you can retain (or get) some degree of emotional detachment. You don't know exactly what you want, either, and you're also coming out of a marriage. Maybe just keep it a little light: tell him you will see how it goes, but plan to be actively dating other men as long as he is actively dating other women.

Maybe he will decide he can't handle that and is up for monogamy after all. Or maybe you will meet someone you like better, who doesn't come with any red flags. Or maybe you will realize you kind of like having multiple men available to you! Or not– maybe you will end up saying, this is definitely not for me. But don't see a big downside to you of giving this a bit of time.

Agree. There's no timeline here for you. You're not looking for someone to live with. You don't even see this guy that much, so it's not taking up the time you could be spending meeting someone else. You're not making a choice here about forever monogamy vs. not, you're just trying this out.

Is he practicing protected sex with OP? No unprotected sex of any kind and regularly tests for herpes ? I’m a woman who was cheated on and had painful UTIs from exH who slept with others.

Condoms protect well against transmission from men to women. Obviously they should use condoms. She can also deescalate things physically if she wants some time to figure out her feelings.

[Anonymous]

No, just no

[Anonymous]

OP - I had some experience trying to date a poly man. He claimed wanting a long term partnership, and that I checked all of his "boxes". I stopped it when I found out he had 3 partners in 2 days (inviting 2 women to one dinner) over just one weekend. He was disappearing all the time on weekends, "working" hard etc. He was early 60s and had an insane sex drive.

When men have so many partners, sex with one woman gives them so low hormonal reward that they have to pursue new and new women; many of these men are also into all kinds of kinks seeking extremes because they don't get that strong of a feeling from sex with one woman. Mine wanted to see me f...k other men, for example, had a really strong "hotwife" kink.

In practice, it just resulted in us not being able to build anything together, as relationship was always put on "hold" by his absences to seek new partners.

Maybe polyamory is different for some men who maintain 2-3 stable partners, but that was not the case with that guy. I was also very concerned for STIs and didn't want to sleep with him

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:On the other hand! The stakes do not seem that high, OP, if you can retain (or get) some degree of emotional detachment. You don't know exactly what you want, either, and you're also coming out of a marriage. Maybe just keep it a little light: tell him you will see how it goes, but plan to be actively dating other men as long as he is actively dating other women.

Maybe he will decide he can't handle that and is up for monogamy after all. Or maybe you will meet someone you like better, who doesn't come with any red flags. Or maybe you will realize you kind of like having multiple men available to you! Or not– maybe you will end up saying, this is definitely not for me. But don't see a big downside to you of giving this a bit of time.

Agree. There's no timeline here for you. You're not looking for someone to live with. You don't even see this guy that much, so it's not taking up the time you could be spending meeting someone else. You're not making a choice here about forever monogamy vs. not, you're just trying this out.

Is he practicing protected sex with OP? No unprotected sex of any kind and regularly tests for herpes ? I’m a woman who was cheated on and had painful UTIs from exH who slept with others.

Condoms protect well against transmission from men to women. Obviously they should use condoms. She can also deescalate things physically if she wants some time to figure out her feelings.

Most just are t using them these days. Hence the rise in STIs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP - I had some experience trying to date a poly man. He claimed wanting a long term partnership, and that I checked all of his "boxes". I stopped it when I found out he had 3 partners in 2 days (inviting 2 women to one dinner) over just one weekend. He was disappearing all the time on weekends, "working" hard etc. He was early 60s and had an insane sex drive.

When men have so many partners, sex with one woman gives them so low hormonal reward that they have to pursue new and new women; many of these men are also into all kinds of kinks seeking extremes because they don't get that strong of a feeling from sex with one woman. Mine wanted to see me f...k other men, for example, had a really strong "hotwife" kink.

In practice, it just resulted in us not being able to build anything together, as relationship was always put on "hold" by his absences to seek new partners.

Maybe polyamory is different for some men who maintain 2-3 stable partners, but that was not the case with that guy. I was also very concerned for STIs and didn't want to sleep with him

That guy has a sex addiction.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Does poly ever work long term? I get that it could work short term, but it is hard to imagine it being both stable and good for all concerned (not just for some) longer term.

Yes. Been in a poly relationship for 8 years now.