Non-monogamy: dealbreaker? or am I being close-minded?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can the STD, condom, herpes police go somewhere else? Why does every thread that has to do with even the possibility of sex devolve into this ridiculous conversation about STD's, condoms, and herpes etc? We are ALL adults. OP is in her 50's. Just cut it out.....

Std risk has to be considered. If we're being "mature" and "open" considering effing multiple people (directly and indiectly) then we can talk about the risks.

OK, but you don't see that on every thread where someone reports they're having sex with a new partner fairly quickly. Do you think saying the words "nonmonogamy" are what creates the risk? Lots of people who don't identify as poly have sex with multiple partners over a short period of time. You should assume anyone you are sleeping with outside of a committed relationship is doing this, and you should take whatever precautions you feel are necessary to mitigate those risks.

Different poster? Yes they should but none do I mean if they did then old would be full of these people who ask for STD test or disclose their St test status. It would be saying that they recently took and they are clean but men don't actually care. I've never been asked for my status. I've been asked to hook up after a day though.

The thing is that in poly relationships there is one main partner (who is usually non protected/co-habilitating) and secondary partners. If that "main" partner was just in a committed mono relationship, cheating is of course possible but at the same time the presumption of monogamy does deter partners from engaging with a very large number of people outside this relationship. With poly, it's allowed, or it has to be regulated by pretty complex "disclosure" rules where everyone tells everyone. The online forums are full of questions from poly people if HSV2 should be explicitly disclosed, for example or just if other partners ask for the test.

In casual dating, people just use condoms and nobody is "primary" unprotected partner.

You can insist on condoms with anyone you want to use condoms with. Lots of people who are casually dating don't.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can the STD, condom, herpes police go somewhere else? Why does every thread that has to do with even the possibility of sex devolve into this ridiculous conversation about STD's, condoms, and herpes etc? We are ALL adults. OP is in her 50's. Just cut it out.....

Std risk has to be considered. If we're being "mature" and "open" considering effing multiple people (directly and indiectly) then we can talk about the risks.

OK, but you don't see that on every thread where someone reports they're having sex with a new partner fairly quickly. Do you think saying the words "nonmonogamy" are what creates the risk? Lots of people who don't identify as poly have sex with multiple partners over a short period of time. You should assume anyone you are sleeping with outside of a committed relationship is doing this, and you should take whatever precautions you feel are necessary to mitigate those risks.

Different poster? Yes they should but none do I mean if they did then old would be full of these people who ask for STD test or disclose their St test status. It would be saying that they recently took and they are clean but men don't actually care. I've never been asked for my status. I've been asked to hook up after a day though.

The thing is that in poly relationships there is one main partner (who is usually non protected/co-habilitating) and secondary partners. If that "main" partner was just in a committed mono relationship, cheating is of course possible but at the same time the presumption of monogamy does deter partners from engaging with a very large number of people outside this relationship. With poly, it's allowed, or it has to be regulated by pretty complex "disclosure" rules where everyone tells everyone. The online forums are full of questions from poly people if HSV2 should be explicitly disclosed, for example or just if other partners ask for the test.

In casual dating, people just use condoms and nobody is "primary" unprotected partner.

You can insist on condoms with anyone you want to use condoms with. Lots of people who are casually dating don't.

But what's the point to have this rather limited sex in a long term relationship? I love oral sex, love exclusive PIV without a condom with someone I can trust and is exclusive to me. Marriage and mono partnerships give a benefit of this unrestricted sex. When I know there are others, it would give me so much anxiety and limit sex menu !

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Does poly ever work long term? I get that it could work short term, but it is hard to imagine it being both stable and good for all concerned (not just for some) longer term.

Yes. Been in a poly relationship for 8 years now.

But does it work for ALL concerned? In my (admittedly limited) experience, not my own but talking to friends who have gone down that path, it often works great for the man... or the member of the "polycule" with the most power (financial, social, whatever), and not nearly as well for one or more of the others. A lot of my friends seemed to be in near-constant states of emotional distress and anxiety, worsened by the pressure they felt to "hold up the side" by insisting that it was all great. When you're told by your peers/portners/pop culture that mature, generous, giving people who are good communicators can naturally thrive in a polyamorous relationship, admitting you're unhappy with any aspect of it means saying, basically, "I guess I am not mature, generous and giving." My experience was that my women friends felt this very acutely, and several ended up leaving that life and saying that in hindsight it felt like just another cover for male entitlement.

It's sort of like when the boss asks the low ranking employees how they like working for the company and they're like "Oh, it's great!" They may say it. They may even try to hard to believe it. But they may not mean it.

[Anonymous]

I have been in both monogamous and non-monogamous relationships in the years since my divorce. The two partners i got closest to, and actually loved, were partners I dated at the same time. So, in my opinion, the guy preferring ENM doesn't necessarily mean the guy doesn't care about OP. That doesn't mean it's a good idea. In my case, everyone ended up feeling hurt at different points.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can the STD, condom, herpes police go somewhere else? Why does every thread that has to do with even the possibility of sex devolve into this ridiculous conversation about STD's, condoms, and herpes etc? We are ALL adults. OP is in her 50's. Just cut it out.....

Std risk has to be considered. If we're being "mature" and "open" considering effing multiple people (directly and indiectly) then we can talk about the risks.

OK, but you don't see that on every thread where someone reports they're having sex with a new partner fairly quickly. Do you think saying the words "nonmonogamy" are what creates the risk? Lots of people who don't identify as poly have sex with multiple partners over a short period of time. You should assume anyone you are sleeping with outside of a committed relationship is doing this, and you should take whatever precautions you feel are necessary to mitigate those risks.

Different poster? Yes they should but none do I mean if they did then old would be full of these people who ask for STD test or disclose their St test status. It would be saying that they recently took and they are clean but men don't actually care. I've never been asked for my status. I've been asked to hook up after a day though.

The thing is that in poly relationships there is one main partner (who is usually non protected/co-habilitating) and secondary partners. If that "main" partner was just in a committed mono relationship, cheating is of course possible but at the same time the presumption of monogamy does deter partners from engaging with a very large number of people outside this relationship. With poly, it's allowed, or it has to be regulated by pretty complex "disclosure" rules where everyone tells everyone. The online forums are full of questions from poly people if HSV2 should be explicitly disclosed, for example or just if other partners ask for the test.

In casual dating, people just use condoms and nobody is "primary" unprotected partner.

You can insist on condoms with anyone you want to use condoms with. Lots of people who are casually dating don't.

But what's the point to have this rather limited sex in a long term relationship? I love oral sex, love exclusive PIV without a condom with someone I can trust and is exclusive to me. Marriage and mono partnerships give a benefit of this unrestricted sex. When I know there are others, it would give me so much anxiety and limit sex menu !

Same.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:First, this is very long - the TLDR version is: the guy I am dating married young, had a long marriage, and now that he's divorced he wants to do the sexual exploration he missed out on by marrying young. I am not sure I am ok with a non-monogamous relationship.

That's all this is.

My opinion (since you asked) is that you tell him you would prefer to be exclusive, but if he's not ready for that you are ok with being non-exclusive and then you both date around. Hopefully he decides that he likes spending time with you more than he likes screwing around. I wouldn't do any polyamory BS that requires me to invest emotionally in his other sexual relationships.

This. I knew before I even got to the paragraph about why he didn’t want to be exclusive that it would be a tale as old as time that either he settled down too young or she done him wrong or whatever reason guys give for not wanting to be in a monogamous relationship that’s almost a cliche.

If you OP didn’t want to be exclusive and still wanted to date lots of people or have a FWB type then I would so go for it with ground rules. In my experience though when you go along with something that at your core is not what you wanted to do but you talk yourself into for fear of losing the other person, it ultimately doesn’t work out in the end .

[Anonymous]

Yuck. This is why STD rates have skyrocketed in the AARP age group in the past decade.

If you’re uncomfortable, own it.

Listen to your gut. It’s telling you something is wrong.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Can the STD, condom, herpes police go somewhere else? Why does every thread that has to do with even the possibility of sex devolve into this ridiculous conversation about STD's, condoms, and herpes etc? We are ALL adults. OP is in her 50's. Just cut it out.....

What a great idea! No bringing up condoms or STDs in any conversations about sex, especially sex with multiple partners. It just ruins all the fun! Maybe Jeff can make a rule about this!

You may be an adult but you are also a moron. And you are not in charge.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can the STD, condom, herpes police go somewhere else? Why does every thread that has to do with even the possibility of sex devolve into this ridiculous conversation about STD's, condoms, and herpes etc? We are ALL adults. OP is in her 50's. Just cut it out.....

What a great idea! No bringing up condoms or STDs in any conversations about sex, especially sex with multiple partners. It just ruins all the fun! Maybe Jeff can make a rule about this!

You may be an adult but you are also a moron. And you are not in charge.

Exactly - it just seems to me that if everyone wears protection (as they should), the poly folks always restrict themselves to PIV or anal in condoms; they can’t have oral without dental dums. That to me reduces the quality of sex so much! I don’t need two wrapped Ds, I want one unwrapped.

Poly women, can you please clarify this to me?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Have you asked him how he would feel if you saw others?

OP here. He says, "jealous." But he also says he feels like this is something he wants to work on and get over.

Yikes. So much room for abuse and coercive control in his statement. He has set the situation up so that you cannot behave equally as he does without risking his "jealousy" which he will "work on," which means by default he is jealous and you are walking on eggshells.

Either he wants an open relationship for himself and is perfectly happy for you to see other people on exactly the same terms as he does, or he thinks non-monogamy is a privilege only he gets to enjoy unencumbered by your worry or jealousy.

For me the issue isn't non-monogamy v monogamy, it's equality.

[Anonymous]

OP here again. Thanks for the advice and perspective. I finally told him I care about him but he needs to think through his priorities, and unless and until he decides he's okay with monogamy, I'm done and we're just colleagues. I think he was kind of shocked: he was expecting me to wait patiently while he tried to decide what he wants. I am treating this as a breakup and going no-contact beyond being courteous if we have to interact for work.

Honestly, reading the responses to my post helped me get some objectivity, and realize that I although I was trying very hard to see things from his perspective, the truth was that I was feeling hurt, angry and manipulated. I feel a little sad now, because I liked the time we spent together and built up some hopes about what might happen, but I also feel relieved. I don't think he is a horrible person. He's generally a kind person. But I do think he's a little on the entitled and self-centered side, and the more I think about it, the more realize I am probably better off without him, even if he suddenly decides he wants to be Mr. Monogamous. So thanks, DCUM!

[Anonymous]

OP please hear him when he tells you in his own way that he’s just not that into you.

This will save you years—literal years of heartache.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP please hear him when he tells you in his own way that he’s just not that into you.

This will save you years—literal years of heartache.

This. It sounds like you've known this guy from work for a long time. He just wants to be a player.

[Anonymous]

Good for you OP. Sounds like he is finding his own way and figuring out what he wants for his life just like you are. It's fine that this happened to him, he might learn something valuable from it, as you did.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP please hear him when he tells you in his own way that he’s just not that into you.

This will save you years—literal years of heartache.

This. It sounds like you've known this guy from work for a long time. He just wants to be a player.

Typical. Men want to have their cake and eat it too. And annoyingly, some of them manage it, mainly because women are too eager to please. Scr*w him. Better off without him.