Non-monogamy: dealbreaker? or am I being close-minded?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was in a 3 yr post-divorce relationship that was monogamous, or so I thought. He gave me herpes which I think he got from random hookups with his ex even though she was with someone else too. It was quite a surprise for me, I had no idea he was doing anyone else so not exactly what you are talking about.

Would you be ok with it if he gave you herpes or something else? Would he be ok with it if you gave it to him? Condoms don't necessarily prevent transmission of herpes.

He hooked with his ex wife? Wow what a scum. And sorry you got herpes in the process. Unfortunately a lot of men can have herpes with zero symptoms. And unless they get tested they won't even know they have it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm just stumped by the "I love you"s. Do you both really mean it? I wouldn't be there unless there was some sort of commitment to being exclusive and you genuinely feel it.

I agree. When you love someone, you don't want to share them. I am not a jealous person, op, but I personally couldn't accept this arrangement and believe he actually loves me/I love him. It rings untrue.

This is just your opinion, not a universal truth.

Simply because a handful of people can tolerate this poly nonsense doesn't make it common. Imo, it's an overt method of cheating which certain people tolerate for a period of time. Women, in particular, may start out cool with such an arrangement, but many grow weary of it. Op's man doesn't even know if another woman or women would be interested in catching his dick as he attempts to toss it around and op isn't on board, whether she acknowledges it or not.

Nothing you write negates my statement.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It would be a deal breaker for me.

He sounds like a player, honestly, but at least he is a honest one.

Anecdotally, my friend was in the situation at the beginning of a relationship. She was quick to agree to non-monogamy and dated a lot of people (having just left a marriage to her previously one and only). The guy who proposed this situation ended up becoming really jealous and possessive of her (evidently, she faired better in the dating market than he did). She broke it off. We still laugh about it.

This happens quite frequently.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm female, 50, divorced and recently started dating again. I'm successful, attractive and very young looking for my age, and haven't had trouble meeting interested men. I've been dating a man I met through work who in many ways is wonderful for me: also recently divorced, a few years older, lots of common interests. The sex is great, we have great conversations, and we text on and off all day, every day. We are semi-long distance, so we see each other mostly on weekends, but when we are together it's terrific. Lots of "I love yous" exchanged.

The problem– which maybe isn't a problem? – is that while I have always assumed monogamy is an essential part of an serious relationship, he feels like he is not sure he wants to be in a committedly non-monogamous long term relationship. Some of this is our very different pasts: I have had several serious relationships in my life, including two marriages and two other live-in relationships that lasted a few years, as well as plenty of other less serious relationships before my marriage and between marriages. I don't really know if I ever want to live full-time with a man again, let alone ever marry again, and I take it for granted that even relationships that begin with love and commitment can fail (don't I know it). However, in an ideal world, I would really like to be in a committed, monogamous, LTR.

He, on the other hand, married a woman he had know since middle school and had dated since high school, and divorced after a 35 year marriage; he feels like he missed out on getting to explore sexually and emotionally when he was young. His marriage was a good partnership but never really involved a lot of passion or sex, and he is frightened of jumping into another LTR right out of his marriage. He also has close friends who are in open relationships or "poly" relationships, and he finds that model very appealing; he likes the idea that one could be in committed, loving relationships with several people at once, even if one of those people is your "primary" person. He says he loves me very much, wants to continue to deepen our relationship and can imagine being life partners, but he is not sure he could commit to monogamy.

Intellectually, I get this. Different people are different, love is not a finite resource, and on some level I feel like, okay, I can imagine two people in a committed but non-monogamous long term relationship, and it's not like I want to jump into another marriage, or that I'm even entirely sure I would *want* a long-term relationship with him: it's still pretty early (about six months), so why not stay open-minded, and in fact I could date other men too?

On another level, this just makes me really uncomfortable. I find lots of men attractive, but have no problem, when I feel like I love someone, forgoing having sexual relationship with other men, and I think I would find it very hard not to feel insecure and threatened in a non-monogamous relationship.

Curious to know what others out there think. Should I try to be more open-minded, and at least be willing to explore how things might go if we tried to proceed on a non-monogamous basis? Or run for the hills?

It’s all an excuse OP. no need for the long explanations. He wants to have his cake and eat it too. You can do better. You want go to worry about using condoms and STDs at your age? This guy sucks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He just got out of a long marriage and isn’t ready to commit to a serious relationship with you. That’s what’s really going on here.

Most men that divorce want to go out and bang everything in sight, especially those married for a long time. These 50-year old dated before online dating/tinder. Now they see it just falls in their lap. The last thing they want is another serious thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It is never close-minded to decide that some sexual preference or arrangement is not for you. Like if I am heterosexual and a woman expresses an interest in me and I say "no I'm sorry but I'm only interested in men" that is not closed-minded. It's just that our sexual preferences do not line up so we can't be together. The end.

Close-minded would be telling this guy that you think his interest in ethical non-monogamy is gross or wrong. You don't feel that way. It's just not for you. And I don't see why your very well-thought out reasons for deciding it's not for you based on your own sexual history are somehow less valid than his. It's fine he doens't want a monogamous relationship. But you do. So it doesn't sound like you guys are compatible and while that may be a bummer it's not the end of the world. You don't even live in the same city! Just move on and you will find someone whose relationship preferences match yours or you will be happy alone but at least you will have made the decision for yourself.

To me this is just the 2024 version of a man pressuring a woman to be open to sex she doesn't want to have or to be a sahm when she wants to work or to have kids when she doesn't want them. The argument that you are being "closed minded" if you won't essentially adopt his sexual preferences is exactly the kind of coercive argument men have always used to try and get women to go along to get along. You don't have to. Do what YOU want and don't feel compelled to change your preferences to accommodate this man.

Or to be in a poly marriage because I lie and cheat while my wife thought we were monogamous.

I don’t have random sex and I only sleep with people that are exclusive (claim to be).

I’m only comfortable when I know it’s just me and the “clean, tested” person. I don’t want rando germs in the mix. It’s dangerous out there today. Lots of dirty people with OLD.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm female, 50, divorced and recently started dating again. I'm successful, attractive and very young looking for my age, and haven't had trouble meeting interested men. I've been dating a man I met through work who in many ways is wonderful for me: also recently divorced, a few years older, lots of common interests. The sex is great, we have great conversations, and we text on and off all day, every day. We are semi-long distance, so we see each other mostly on weekends, but when we are together it's terrific. Lots of "I love yous" exchanged.

The problem– which maybe isn't a problem? – is that while I have always assumed monogamy is an essential part of an serious relationship, he feels like he is not sure he wants to be in a committedly non-monogamous long term relationship. Some of this is our very different pasts: I have had several serious relationships in my life, including two marriages and two other live-in relationships that lasted a few years, as well as plenty of other less serious relationships before my marriage and between marriages. I don't really know if I ever want to live full-time with a man again, let alone ever marry again, and I take it for granted that even relationships that begin with love and commitment can fail (don't I know it). However, in an ideal world, I would really like to be in a committed, monogamous, LTR.

He, on the other hand, married a woman he had know since middle school and had dated since high school, and divorced after a 35 year marriage; he feels like he missed out on getting to explore sexually and emotionally when he was young. His marriage was a good partnership but never really involved a lot of passion or sex, and he is frightened of jumping into another LTR right out of his marriage. He also has close friends who are in open relationships or "poly" relationships, and he finds that model very appealing; he likes the idea that one could be in committed, loving relationships with several people at once, even if one of those people is your "primary" person. He says he loves me very much, wants to continue to deepen our relationship and can imagine being life partners, but he is not sure he could commit to monogamy.

Intellectually, I get this. Different people are different, love is not a finite resource, and on some level I feel like, okay, I can imagine two people in a committed but non-monogamous long term relationship, and it's not like I want to jump into another marriage, or that I'm even entirely sure I would *want* a long-term relationship with him: it's still pretty early (about six months), so why not stay open-minded, and in fact I could date other men too?

On another level, this just makes me really uncomfortable. I find lots of men attractive, but have no problem, when I feel like I love someone, forgoing having sexual relationship with other men, and I think I would find it very hard not to feel insecure and threatened in a non-monogamous relationship.

Curious to know what others out there think. Should I try to be more open-minded, and at least be willing to explore how things might go if we tried to proceed on a non-monogamous basis? Or run for the hills?

It’s all an excuse OP. no need for the long explanations. He wants to have his cake and eat it too. You can do better. You want go to worry about using condoms and STDs at your age? This guy sucks.

Even if he'd claimed to be monogamous, she should still be worried about condoms and STDs. How is she going to know what he's actually up to? They see each other on the weekends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was in a 3 yr post-divorce relationship that was monogamous, or so I thought. He gave me herpes which I think he got from random hookups with his ex even though she was with someone else too. It was quite a surprise for me, I had no idea he was doing anyone else so not exactly what you are talking about.

Would you be ok with it if he gave you herpes or something else? Would he be ok with it if you gave it to him? Condoms don't necessarily prevent transmission of herpes.

I'm sorry that happened to you. Was it his ex-girlfriend or his ex-wife? Why would a man go back to his ex-wife after signing divorce papers, custody agreements, etc. And still be f****** them. It's just gross and really grossed at and continue to sleep with her well-being with you. Yes, I would absolutely never do. Polly, I don't care what people say that people can evolve into it or whatever. There is no good outcome of it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Have you asked him how he would feel if you saw others?

OP here. He says, "jealous." But he also says he feels like this is something he wants to work on and get over.

This part = run for the hills. This one is So Self Centered.

[Anonymous]

Hey op
I’m a man in a similar situation
She wants non exclusive but seems to always make me a priority

I’ve never had an opportunity to feel jealous or a lack because when we are together she is 101% present

But she doesn’t want to be tied down

I’m 40 she is early 30s

I use this same thing you posted and it works great: look, I feel some discomfort about this, but am willing to see where things go and how we each feel in another month or two or three and just keep reevaluating."

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thank you for all the thoughtful responses. I am genuinely struggling with this. I do think he is too, a bit; he has said that these are his fears and fantasies and that he doesn't want to be hiding those, but also doesn't want to lose me, and recognizes that what he thinks he wants now (non-monogamy) may be something he no longer feels he needs in six months, etc. We are both still working through some grief and resentment towards our respective exes, and I recognize that in some ways neither of us is necessarily at a place where we can say clearly (to ourselves or others), "I know what I want."

Honestly I woke up feeling angry at him-- feeling like, "Screw you, you may not intend to be manipulative or exploitative, but that is the result; you're just yet another middle-aged man who bizarrely thinks he's God's gift to women and should have some entitlement to sleep around in the name of freedom; either you care enough about me to keep your pants zipped, which seems like a pretty minimal requirement-- I am not proposing marriage, here–– or you don't, and if you don't, I'm done."

But then I was browsing through various newspapers and magazines and was looking at Slate's advice columns, and they have these very smart, thoughtful people talking about ethical non-monogamy, and that made me think that maybe I was being to harsh on him, and should try to have more willingness to be open to the possibility that my own assumptions are too rigid, and could/should be challenged-- or at least open to accepting that these are still early days, I don't completely know what I want or what will work for me, and I should be open to saying, "look, I feel some discomfort about this, but am willing to see where things go and how we each feel in another month or two or three and just keep reevaluating."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hey op
I’m a man in a similar situation
She wants non exclusive but seems to always make me a priority

I’ve never had an opportunity to feel jealous or a lack because when we are together she is 101% present

But she doesn’t want to be tied down

I’m 40 she is early 30s

I use this same thing you posted and it works great: look, I feel some discomfort about this, but am willing to see where things go and how we each feel in another month or two or three and just keep reevaluating."


How nasty. I'm seeing a gorgeous younger man and he says he would never do poly but because he is gorgeous girls chase him. I rather be alone than see him or any man I'm seeing cavort and f**k another woman that isn't me.

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thank you for all the thoughtful responses. I am genuinely struggling with this. I do think he is too, a bit; he has said that these are his fears and fantasies and that he doesn't want to be hiding those, but also doesn't want to lose me, and recognizes that what he thinks he wants now (non-monogamy) may be something he no longer feels he needs in six months, etc. We are both still working through some grief and resentment towards our respective exes, and I recognize that in some ways neither of us is necessarily at a place where we can say clearly (to ourselves or others), "I know what I want."

Honestly I woke up feeling angry at him-- feeling like, "Screw you, you may not intend to be manipulative or exploitative, but that is the result; you're just yet another middle-aged man who bizarrely thinks he's God's gift to women and should have some entitlement to sleep around in the name of freedom; either you care enough about me to keep your pants zipped, which seems like a pretty minimal requirement-- I am not proposing marriage, here–– or you don't, and if you don't, I'm done."

But then I was browsing through various newspapers and magazines and was looking at Slate's advice columns, and they have these very smart, thoughtful people talking about ethical non-monogamy, and that made me think that maybe I was being to harsh on him, and should try to have more willingness to be open to the possibility that my own assumptions are too rigid, and could/should be challenged-- or at least open to accepting that these are still early days, I don't completely know what I want or what will work for me, and I should be open to saying, "look, I feel some discomfort about this, but am willing to see where things go and how we each feel in another month or two or three and just keep reevaluating."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hey op
I’m a man in a similar situation
She wants non exclusive but seems to always make me a priority

I’ve never had an opportunity to feel jealous or a lack because when we are together she is 101% present

But she doesn’t want to be tied down

I’m 40 she is early 30s

I use this same thing you posted and it works great: look, I feel some discomfort about this, but am willing to see where things go and how we each feel in another month or two or three and just keep reevaluating."

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thank you for all the thoughtful responses. I am genuinely struggling with this. I do think he is too, a bit; he has said that these are his fears and fantasies and that he doesn't want to be hiding those, but also doesn't want to lose me, and recognizes that what he thinks he wants now (non-monogamy) may be something he no longer feels he needs in six months, etc. We are both still working through some grief and resentment towards our respective exes, and I recognize that in some ways neither of us is necessarily at a place where we can say clearly (to ourselves or others), "I know what I want."

Honestly I woke up feeling angry at him-- feeling like, "Screw you, you may not intend to be manipulative or exploitative, but that is the result; you're just yet another middle-aged man who bizarrely thinks he's God's gift to women and should have some entitlement to sleep around in the name of freedom; either you care enough about me to keep your pants zipped, which seems like a pretty minimal requirement-- I am not proposing marriage, here–– or you don't, and if you don't, I'm done."

But then I was browsing through various newspapers and magazines and was looking at Slate's advice columns, and they have these very smart, thoughtful people talking about ethical non-monogamy, and that made me think that maybe I was being to harsh on him, and should try to have more willingness to be open to the possibility that my own assumptions are too rigid, and could/should be challenged-- or at least open to accepting that these are still early days, I don't completely know what I want or what will work for me, and I should be open to saying, "look, I feel some discomfort about this, but am willing to see where things go and how we each feel in another month or two or three and just keep reevaluating."

How nasty. I'm seeing a gorgeous younger man and he says he would never do poly but because he is gorgeous girls chase him. I rather be alone than see him or any man I'm seeing cavort and f**k another woman that isn't me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was in a 3 yr post-divorce relationship that was monogamous, or so I thought. He gave me herpes which I think he got from random hookups with his ex even though she was with someone else too. It was quite a surprise for me, I had no idea he was doing anyone else so not exactly what you are talking about.

Would you be ok with it if he gave you herpes or something else? Would he be ok with it if you gave it to him? Condoms don't necessarily prevent transmission of herpes.

I'm sorry that happened to you. Was it his ex-girlfriend or his ex-wife? Why would a man go back to his ex-wife after signing divorce papers, custody agreements, etc. And still be f****** them. It's just gross and really grossed at and continue to sleep with her well-being with you. Yes, I would absolutely never do. Polly, I don't care what people say that people can evolve into it or whatever. There is no good outcome of it.

It was his ex wife and probably just a very few random hookups that I knew nothing about and didn't suspect. Live and learn. It sucks because herpes is forever even when relationships aren't.

[Anonymous]

Run

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hey op
I’m a man in a similar situation
She wants non exclusive but seems to always make me a priority

I’ve never had an opportunity to feel jealous or a lack because when we are together she is 101% present

But she doesn’t want to be tied down

I’m 40 she is early 30s

I use this same thing you posted and it works great: look, I feel some discomfort about this, but am willing to see where things go and how we each feel in another month or two or three and just keep reevaluating."

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thank you for all the thoughtful responses. I am genuinely struggling with this. I do think he is too, a bit; he has said that these are his fears and fantasies and that he doesn't want to be hiding those, but also doesn't want to lose me, and recognizes that what he thinks he wants now (non-monogamy) may be something he no longer feels he needs in six months, etc. We are both still working through some grief and resentment towards our respective exes, and I recognize that in some ways neither of us is necessarily at a place where we can say clearly (to ourselves or others), "I know what I want."

Honestly I woke up feeling angry at him-- feeling like, "Screw you, you may not intend to be manipulative or exploitative, but that is the result; you're just yet another middle-aged man who bizarrely thinks he's God's gift to women and should have some entitlement to sleep around in the name of freedom; either you care enough about me to keep your pants zipped, which seems like a pretty minimal requirement-- I am not proposing marriage, here–– or you don't, and if you don't, I'm done."

But then I was browsing through various newspapers and magazines and was looking at Slate's advice columns, and they have these very smart, thoughtful people talking about ethical non-monogamy, and that made me think that maybe I was being to harsh on him, and should try to have more willingness to be open to the possibility that my own assumptions are too rigid, and could/should be challenged-- or at least open to accepting that these are still early days, I don't completely know what I want or what will work for me, and I should be open to saying, "look, I feel some discomfort about this, but am willing to see where things go and how we each feel in another month or two or three and just keep reevaluating."

That’s because you’re 10 years older. She’s keeping you around until she finds a younger man or until she is certain you’re the right guy for her.