Non-monogamy: dealbreaker? or am I being close-minded?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Have you asked him how he would feel if you saw others?

OP here. He says, "jealous." But he also says he feels like this is something he wants to work on and get over.

[Anonymous]

Yuck. Never settle for this nonsense.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Only you know if it's a deal breaker or not.

I want monogamy in my marriage. If I divorce, I will never remarry, casual dating from that point forward, so no expectation of monogamy.

Honestly I felt like that myself... until I fell in love with someone and discovered I wanted more than I thought I wanted!

[Anonymous]

Totally okay to not be okay with this. If you do decide to proceed, consider some ground rules around STD testing and exclusivity with other partners.

[Anonymous]

First, this is very long - the TLDR version is: the guy I am dating married young, had a long marriage, and now that he's divorced he wants to do the sexual exploration he missed out on by marrying young. I am not sure I am ok with a non-monogamous relationship.

That's all this is.

My opinion (since you asked) is that you tell him you would prefer to be exclusive, but if he's not ready for that you are ok with being non-exclusive and then you both date around. Hopefully he decides that he likes spending time with you more than he likes screwing around. I wouldn't do any polyamory BS that requires me to invest emotionally in his other sexual relationships.

[Anonymous]

I’m in a non monogamous relationship and it’s working just fine. We never talk about our experiences so I’m clueless about who he might be with. I take infrequent opportunity to be non monogamous so it’s not like I’m out and about looking for sex. But I travel a lot for business and personal and sometimes it’s nice to connect with someone. I’m 54 and this relationship is 3 years old and it’s working for both of us. Neither of us have an interest in marriage or living together and that helps.

[Anonymous]

I am a divorced man and I rather stay single until I die than be in a relationship with several women at once. Those men who do this how on earth can you manage 2 or more women at once? 1 woman alone is a massive challenge, 2 I'll probably need a bottle of J&B every night to do it. Crazy times.

I am currently in a serious relationship with a wonderful woman and we keep our sex life interesting, we have joint and separate hobbies, joint and separate friends
In a nutshell we are now to get bored with one another, hence no need for us to involve third parties.

I have a Muslim friend from West Africa who grew up in polygamy. He said his dad had 2 wives and it was a disaster. He said all the folks his generation practice monogamy because they witnessed the horrors of their dads juggling multiple wives and saw firsthand the challenges.

I am honestly surprised all this openness to open relationship in this country today. Onlyfans is good, cheating is being normalized, divorce no longer a big deal. I don't know man...

But hey to each his own I guess...OP you don't seem open to this crap. Move on you will find someone whom is open to monogamy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm just stumped by the "I love you"s. Do you both really mean it? I wouldn't be there unless there was some sort of commitment to being exclusive and you genuinely feel it.

I agree. When you love someone, you don't want to share them. I am not a jealous person, op, but I personally couldn't accept this arrangement and believe he actually loves me/I love him. It rings untrue.

[Anonymous]

FWIW, I think monogamy is very important to me in the context of a long-term marriage while raising children, etc., but it seems like less of a big deal now that I’m in my 50s. Given the rarity of finding compatible people in middle age, I would not treat it as a dealbreaker unless you find the idea just a non-starter from your perspective. Worth giving it a shot, IMO, since you can always break up with him later if it doesn’t work, and that’s where you will be anyway if you just dump him now. It doesn’t sound like you see it as a complete non-starter.

[Anonymous]

This just seems so self-serving to me. And pathetic.

Sure, he was in a long marriage and wants to play the field, I get that.

But now he ALSO wants the benefit of a long term, stable relationship. So he gets to have his cake and eat it too.

And what do YOU get, OP? An arrangement you were not initially interested in. And what is the benefit of that to you? Other than potential STDSs? And the general unease of knowing your partner is being intimate with someone else?

Is being with a man really worth all this?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am a divorced man and I rather stay single until I die than be in a relationship with several women at once. Those men who do this how on earth can you manage 2 or more women at once? 1 woman alone is a massive challenge, 2 I'll probably need a bottle of J&B every night to do it. Crazy times.

I am currently in a serious relationship with a wonderful woman and we keep our sex life interesting, we have joint and separate hobbies, joint and separate friends
In a nutshell we are now to get bored with one another, hence no need for us to involve third parties.

I have a Muslim friend from West Africa who grew up in polygamy. He said his dad had 2 wives and it was a disaster. He said all the folks his generation practice monogamy because they witnessed the horrors of their dads juggling multiple wives and saw firsthand the challenges.

I am honestly surprised all this openness to open relationship in this country today. Onlyfans is good, cheating is being normalized, divorce no longer a big deal. I don't know man...

But hey to each his own I guess...OP you don't seem open to this crap. Move on you will find someone whom is open to monogamy.

You just described my happy 26 year marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm just stumped by the "I love you"s. Do you both really mean it? I wouldn't be there unless there was some sort of commitment to being exclusive and you genuinely feel it.

I agree. When you love someone, you don't want to share them. I am not a jealous person, op, but I personally couldn't accept this arrangement and believe he actually loves me/I love him. It rings untrue.

This is just your opinion, not a universal truth.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm just stumped by the "I love you"s. Do you both really mean it? I wouldn't be there unless there was some sort of commitment to being exclusive and you genuinely feel it.

OP again. This is the issue! I mean it when I tell him "I love you," and have no problem committing to monogamy at this stage: we're way past the period of just trying to figure out if we get along, if there's chemistry and all that. We have very intense conversations, both in person and by text. We've supported each other emotionally through some hard things (fall out from our divorces, deaths/illnesses of parents, grown kids with their own issues, etc). That doesn't mean I feel 100% like, "You're the one!" but it definitely means I am up for seeing where it goes.

He says "I love you" and I believe he means it, too. But the question is what it means to him! To him it means he cares about me, wants to spend time with me, can picture us happily continuing to have sex and spend extended periods of time together as lovers far into the future, maybe always-- he wants to plan some travel together next year, for instance-- but he isn't sure he is willing to say, "and I definitely won't be hooking up with other women."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Totally okay to not be okay with this. If you do decide to proceed, consider some ground rules around STD testing and exclusivity with other partners.

Use condoms with him, get tested regularly, and he should as well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Have you asked him how he would feel if you saw others?

OP here. He says, "jealous." But he also says he feels like this is something he wants to work on and get over.

Wait a minute! Is he the only one who would be seeing others?! Is he asking you to just be with him and he plays the field? He'll work on being ok with you dating others? This guy sounds like a potential problem for you op.