Non-monogamy: dealbreaker? or am I being close-minded?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is never close-minded to decide that some sexual preference or arrangement is not for you. Like if I am heterosexual and a woman expresses an interest in me and I say "no I'm sorry but I'm only interested in men" that is not closed-minded. It's just that our sexual preferences do not line up so we can't be together. The end.

Close-minded would be telling this guy that you think his interest in ethical non-monogamy is gross or wrong. You don't feel that way. It's just not for you. And I don't see why your very well-thought out reasons for deciding it's not for you based on your own sexual history are somehow less valid than his. It's fine he doens't want a monogamous relationship. But you do. So it doesn't sound like you guys are compatible and while that may be a bummer it's not the end of the world. You don't even live in the same city! Just move on and you will find someone whose relationship preferences match yours or you will be happy alone but at least you will have made the decision for yourself.

To me this is just the 2024 version of a man pressuring a woman to be open to sex she doesn't want to have or to be a sahm when she wants to work or to have kids when she doesn't want them. The argument that you are being "closed minded" if you won't essentially adopt his sexual preferences is exactly the kind of coercive argument men have always used to try and get women to go along to get along. You don't have to. Do what YOU want and don't feel compelled to change your preferences to accommodate this man.

There's no indication he called her close-minded or is trying to coerce her into anything. He's being honest about a set of preferences that some women would be into. If she not, that's fine.

Where did OP get the idea that saying no to this would be "closed-minded then?

Literally anywhere else? Maybe she googled polyamory and read something about it. Maybe a friend said it. Maybe it's just her own inner voice judging her.

Perhaps but it sounds from her description like the pressure to do this is all coming from him. If being non-monogamous was important to him why did he get into a relationship with someone before discussing it?

It really looks like he either slow played it in the hopes that once she was attached she'd agree to it OR that he maybe isn't committed to non-monogamy but views it as a way to hold onto a woman he likes while he also explores dating other women. Not really poly but just someone with fomo who is afraid of what he'll miss out on if he commits to one person. Like maybe for another woman he'd be fine giving up other women but for OP he's like "I really like you but want to see what else is out there."

The fact that this didn't start as an explicitly non-monogamous relationship and now he's springing it on her doens't sit well with me. Usually people who are committed to enm are very straight forward about it.

op deserves better and likely can find it with another man. In fact, him even mentioning it is a dealbreaker for women who know their value.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is never close-minded to decide that some sexual preference or arrangement is not for you. Like if I am heterosexual and a woman expresses an interest in me and I say "no I'm sorry but I'm only interested in men" that is not closed-minded. It's just that our sexual preferences do not line up so we can't be together. The end.

Close-minded would be telling this guy that you think his interest in ethical non-monogamy is gross or wrong. You don't feel that way. It's just not for you. And I don't see why your very well-thought out reasons for deciding it's not for you based on your own sexual history are somehow less valid than his. It's fine he doens't want a monogamous relationship. But you do. So it doesn't sound like you guys are compatible and while that may be a bummer it's not the end of the world. You don't even live in the same city! Just move on and you will find someone whose relationship preferences match yours or you will be happy alone but at least you will have made the decision for yourself.

To me this is just the 2024 version of a man pressuring a woman to be open to sex she doesn't want to have or to be a sahm when she wants to work or to have kids when she doesn't want them. The argument that you are being "closed minded" if you won't essentially adopt his sexual preferences is exactly the kind of coercive argument men have always used to try and get women to go along to get along. You don't have to. Do what YOU want and don't feel compelled to change your preferences to accommodate this man.

There's no indication he called her close-minded or is trying to coerce her into anything. He's being honest about a set of preferences that some women would be into. If she not, that's fine.

Where did OP get the idea that saying no to this would be "closed-minded then?

Literally anywhere else? Maybe she googled polyamory and read something about it. Maybe a friend said it. Maybe it's just her own inner voice judging her.

Perhaps but it sounds from her description like the pressure to do this is all coming from him. If being non-monogamous was important to him why did he get into a relationship with someone before discussing it?

It really looks like he either slow played it in the hopes that once she was attached she'd agree to it OR that he maybe isn't committed to non-monogamy but views it as a way to hold onto a woman he likes while he also explores dating other women. Not really poly but just someone with fomo who is afraid of what he'll miss out on if he commits to one person. Like maybe for another woman he'd be fine giving up other women but for OP he's like "I really like you but want to see what else is out there."

The fact that this didn't start as an explicitly non-monogamous relationship and now he's springing it on her doens't sit well with me. Usually people who are committed to enm are very straight forward about it.

She slept with him without a conversation where they defined the relationship as monogamous, so it sure didn't start out as an explicitly monogamous relationship, either. Is it a red flag that she now wants monogamy? I don't think it is. They're both figuring out what they want.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm female, 50, divorced and recently started dating again. I'm successful, attractive and very young looking for my age, and haven't had trouble meeting interested men. I've been dating a man I met through work who in many ways is wonderful for me: also recently divorced, a few years older, lots of common interests. The sex is great, we have great conversations, and we text on and off all day, every day. We are semi-long distance, so we see each other mostly on weekends, but when we are together it's terrific. Lots of "I love yous" exchanged.

The problem– which maybe isn't a problem? – is that while I have always assumed monogamy is an essential part of an serious relationship, he feels like he is not sure he wants to be in a committedly non-monogamous long term relationship. Some of this is our very different pasts: I have had several serious relationships in my life, including two marriages and two other live-in relationships that lasted a few years, as well as plenty of other less serious relationships before my marriage and between marriages. I don't really know if I ever want to live full-time with a man again, let alone ever marry again, and I take it for granted that even relationships that begin with love and commitment can fail (don't I know it). However, in an ideal world, I would really like to be in a committed, monogamous, LTR.

He, on the other hand, married a woman he had know since middle school and had dated since high school, and divorced after a 35 year marriage; he feels like he missed out on getting to explore sexually and emotionally when he was young. His marriage was a good partnership but never really involved a lot of passion or sex, and he is frightened of jumping into another LTR right out of his marriage. He also has close friends who are in open relationships or "poly" relationships, and he finds that model very appealing; he likes the idea that one could be in committed, loving relationships with several people at once, even if one of those people is your "primary" person. He says he loves me very much, wants to continue to deepen our relationship and can imagine being life partners, but he is not sure he could commit to monogamy.

Intellectually, I get this. Different people are different, love is not a finite resource, and on some level I feel like, okay, I can imagine two people in a committed but non-monogamous long term relationship, and it's not like I want to jump into another marriage, or that I'm even entirely sure I would *want* a long-term relationship with him: it's still pretty early (about six months), so why not stay open-minded, and in fact I could date other men too?

On another level, this just makes me really uncomfortable. I find lots of men attractive, but have no problem, when I feel like I love someone, forgoing having sexual relationship with other men, and I think I would find it very hard not to feel insecure and threatened in a non-monogamous relationship.

Curious to know what others out there think. Should I try to be more open-minded, and at least be willing to explore how things might go if we tried to proceed on a non-monogamous basis? Or run for the hills?

If you have no trouble finding men, why are you even considering gaslighting yourself out of your own feelings just for this one man?

Your sense of self and self-respect should be quite established by now at your age. Trust your feelings and instincts. You do not want what he’s offering and you’re trying to rationalize yourself into it, presumably because the D is just that good. Anyone born more recently than last night knows that never ever works out. Abort mission, abort mission, abort mission.

[Anonymous]

Keep going with this, it’s either going to work or it’s going to blow up. But, come on now, you’re out of s second marriage, you’re 50 in a long-distance relationship, did you really think this was going to last for the rest of your life?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Keep going with this, it’s either going to work or it’s going to blow up. But, come on now, you’re out of s second marriage, you’re 50 in a long-distance relationship, did you really think this was going to last for the rest of your life?

The whole point is OP does not think this will last for the rest of her life but she would prefer it be monogamous while it does last because she generally prefers monogamy and the emotional connection it offers.

This is a long distance non-monogamous relationship. Totally unclear what it really even offers OP other than the occasional hook up when they are in the same city and some nice phone conversations. I would move on -- plenty of people in their 50s who would be up for a monogamous relationship without all this drama. And the fact that this guy doesn't even sound particularly comfortable with OP dating other men while they are together is a massive red flag -- he's either actually up for a non-monogamous relationship or not. It really sounds like he just wants to string her along as an option for him while he continues to play the field.

[Anonymous]

I think it's understandable that he wants to expand his sexual experiences if he has had 1 partner for majority of his life. Why don't you go with the status quo for now. Maybe he'll be ready for monogamy once he's had some time. Also, if someone is smitten in love, they naturally would not pursue others.

Good sex is one of the greatest pleasures in life. I didn't realize this until I had lovers who valued sex and the experiential aspects of it. I learned things about myself that I never would have if I didn't explore. I think it's good and healthy to explore. Just practice safe sex.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it's understandable that he wants to expand his sexual experiences if he has had 1 partner for majority of his life. Why don't you go with the status quo for now. Maybe he'll be ready for monogamy once he's had some time. Also, if someone is smitten in love, they naturally would not pursue others.

Good sex is one of the greatest pleasures in life. I didn't realize this until I had lovers who valued sex and the experiential aspects of it. I learned things about myself that I never would have if I didn't explore. I think it's good and healthy to explore. Just practice safe sex.

Do not go into a relationship with someone who has told you they're not interested in monogamy if you are hoping if they care about you enough, they'll be monogamous.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it's understandable that he wants to expand his sexual experiences if he has had 1 partner for majority of his life. Why don't you go with the status quo for now. Maybe he'll be ready for monogamy once he's had some time. Also, if someone is smitten in love, they naturally would not pursue others.

Good sex is one of the greatest pleasures in life. I didn't realize this until I had lovers who valued sex and the experiential aspects of it. I learned things about myself that I never would have if I didn't explore. I think it's good and healthy to explore. Just practice safe sex.

I agree it's understandable that he wants this. But it's also understandable that OP does not. She has had plenty of sexual partners and experiences. She doesn't need non-monogamy and would only be doing this in order to keep this guy in her life. I think that's a bad reason to do something you are reticent to do and that carries some risk to your health as well.

There's just no compelling reason for OP to do this. She isn't really interested in seeing other men while she's dating this guy. She's uncomfortable with him seeing other women. He also appears to be uncomfortable with her seeing other men which is a red flag and a wtf.

OP should just tell him thanks but no thanks and if you ever decide you'd be interested in something monogamous let me know. There's no real advantage to staying in the relationship since it's not the relationship she wants anyway.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it's understandable that he wants to expand his sexual experiences if he has had 1 partner for majority of his life. Why don't you go with the status quo for now. Maybe he'll be ready for monogamy once he's had some time. Also, if someone is smitten in love, they naturally would not pursue others.

Good sex is one of the greatest pleasures in life. I didn't realize this until I had lovers who valued sex and the experiential aspects of it. I learned things about myself that I never would have if I didn't explore. I think it's good and healthy to explore. Just practice safe sex.

True words! None of those poly open people are smitten in love. It's all casual sex. They can even "cheat' on each other.

[Anonymous]

Deal breaker. No way. If partner really cares for you, they will want monogamy too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it's understandable that he wants to expand his sexual experiences if he has had 1 partner for majority of his life. Why don't you go with the status quo for now. Maybe he'll be ready for monogamy once he's had some time. Also, if someone is smitten in love, they naturally would not pursue others.

Good sex is one of the greatest pleasures in life. I didn't realize this until I had lovers who valued sex and the experiential aspects of it. I learned things about myself that I never would have if I didn't explore. I think it's good and healthy to explore. Just practice safe sex.

True words! None of those poly open people are smitten in love. It's all casual sex. They can even "cheat' on each other.

If I wanted casual sex, I'd be having casual sex. It's not exactly difficult to find and it's less stigmatized than being ENM.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it's understandable that he wants to expand his sexual experiences if he has had 1 partner for majority of his life. Why don't you go with the status quo for now. Maybe he'll be ready for monogamy once he's had some time. Also, if someone is smitten in love, they naturally would not pursue others.

Good sex is one of the greatest pleasures in life. I didn't realize this until I had lovers who valued sex and the experiential aspects of it. I learned things about myself that I never would have if I didn't explore. I think it's good and healthy to explore. Just practice safe sex.

True words! None of those poly open people are smitten in love. It's all casual sex. They can even "cheat' on each other.

If I wanted casual sex, I'd be having casual sex. It's not exactly difficult to find and it's less stigmatized than being ENM.

The reason this guy wants ENM is that it will get him casual sex plus emotional support from a woman. He wants to e able to have sex with OP when they are in the same city but also maintain a "relationship" that includes phone calls and caring for each other's well being that he cannot get from just casual sex.

But as someone who doesn't want to sleep with other men (and is bothered by the idea of her boyfriend sleeping with other women) this arrangement will always pale in comparison to what OP actually wants. Plus it poses a question as to whether her boyfriend is just having sex with other women or is also getting emotional intimacy from them. It is one thing to argue that someone can ethically have sex with multiple people at the same time. It is something else to argue that one person can ethically share emotional intimacy with several partners at once. This is almost always where polyamory and ENM hit road blocks. What happens when your dad dies and you call your boyfriend and he can't support you because he's got to be there for his other girlfriend who is waiting on test results or dealing with a difficult issue with her child.

Time and energy is finite and monogamy accounts for this fact of life. Polyamory dances around it and often fails becasue of it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It would be a deal breaker for me.

He sounds like a player, honestly, but at least he is a honest one.

Anecdotally, my friend was in the situation at the beginning of a relationship. She was quick to agree to non-monogamy and dated a lot of people (having just left a marriage to her previously one and only). The guy who proposed this situation ended up becoming really jealous and possessive of her (evidently, she faired better in the dating market than he did). She broke it off. We still laugh about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it's understandable that he wants to expand his sexual experiences if he has had 1 partner for majority of his life. Why don't you go with the status quo for now. Maybe he'll be ready for monogamy once he's had some time. Also, if someone is smitten in love, they naturally would not pursue others.

Good sex is one of the greatest pleasures in life. I didn't realize this until I had lovers who valued sex and the experiential aspects of it. I learned things about myself that I never would have if I didn't explore. I think it's good and healthy to explore. Just practice safe sex.

This makes sense to me. OP, your choice is binary: you’re either ok with him doing this, or you’re not. Sounds like you’re not. Fine. But then his choice is to leave you or stay and be unsatisfied (I’m assuming he’s a good guy and won’t cheat and lie). It sounds like he’ll leave, and whether he does is out of your hands. So if you’d rather keep your position on monogamy and lose the guy than vice versa, choose it. Don’t worry about what others might think either way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it's understandable that he wants to expand his sexual experiences if he has had 1 partner for majority of his life. Why don't you go with the status quo for now. Maybe he'll be ready for monogamy once he's had some time. Also, if someone is smitten in love, they naturally would not pursue others.

Good sex is one of the greatest pleasures in life. I didn't realize this until I had lovers who valued sex and the experiential aspects of it. I learned things about myself that I never would have if I didn't explore. I think it's good and healthy to explore. Just practice safe sex.

Time and energy is finite and monogamy accounts for this fact of life. Polyamory dances around it and often fails becasue of it.

OP here. Thank you for all the thoughtful responses. I am genuinely struggling with this. I do think he is too, a bit; he has said that these are his fears and fantasies and that he doesn't want to be hiding those, but also doesn't want to lose me, and recognizes that what he thinks he wants now (non-monogamy) may be something he no longer feels he needs in six months, etc. We are both still working through some grief and resentment towards our respective exes, and I recognize that in some ways neither of us is necessarily at a place where we can say clearly (to ourselves or others), "I know what I want."

Honestly I woke up feeling angry at him-- feeling like, "Screw you, you may not intend to be manipulative or exploitative, but that is the result; you're just yet another middle-aged man who bizarrely thinks he's God's gift to women and should have some entitlement to sleep around in the name of freedom; either you care enough about me to keep your pants zipped, which seems like a pretty minimal requirement-- I am not proposing marriage, here–– or you don't, and if you don't, I'm done."

But then I was browsing through various newspapers and magazines and was looking at Slate's advice columns, and they have these very smart, thoughtful people talking about ethical non-monogamy, and that made me think that maybe I was being to harsh on him, and should try to have more willingness to be open to the possibility that my own assumptions are too rigid, and could/should be challenged-- or at least open to accepting that these are still early days, I don't completely know what I want or what will work for me, and I should be open to saying, "look, I feel some discomfort about this, but am willing to see where things go and how we each feel in another month or two or three and just keep reevaluating."