Non-monogamy: dealbreaker? or am I being close-minded?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m in a non monogamous relationship and it’s working just fine. We never talk about our experiences so I’m clueless about who he might be with. I take infrequent opportunity to be non monogamous so it’s not like I’m out and about looking for sex. But I travel a lot for business and personal and sometimes it’s nice to connect with someone. I’m 54 and this relationship is 3 years old and it’s working for both of us. Neither of us have an interest in marriage or living together and that helps.

You aren’t worried about stis and stds?

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:On the other hand! The stakes do not seem that high, OP, if you can retain (or get) some degree of emotional detachment. You don't know exactly what you want, either, and you're also coming out of a marriage. Maybe just keep it a little light: tell him you will see how it goes, but plan to be actively dating other men as long as he is actively dating other women.

Maybe he will decide he can't handle that and is up for monogamy after all. Or maybe you will meet someone you like better, who doesn't come with any red flags. Or maybe you will realize you kind of like having multiple men available to you! Or not– maybe you will end up saying, this is definitely not for me. But don't see a big downside to you of giving this a bit of time.

Agree. There's no timeline here for you. You're not looking for someone to live with. You don't even see this guy that much, so it's not taking up the time you could be spending meeting someone else. You're not making a choice here about forever monogamy vs. not, you're just trying this out.

Is he practicing protected sex with OP? No unprotected sex of any kind and regularly tests for herpes ? I’m a woman who was cheated on and had painful UTIs from exH who slept with others.

Condoms protect well against transmission from men to women. Obviously they should use condoms. She can also deescalate things physically if she wants some time to figure out her feelings.

Most just are t using them these days. Hence the rise in STIs.

OK, but this is something she can control. Sex without a condom doesn't just happen to you.

[Anonymous]

It's really simple. Poly isn't something you can make work for someone else as a compromise. Poly is something your either want or your don't.

Do you like the idea of your partner having other pertners, with and without you? Taking up their time, attention, body, money, and germs?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:On the other hand! The stakes do not seem that high, OP, if you can retain (or get) some degree of emotional detachment. You don't know exactly what you want, either, and you're also coming out of a marriage. Maybe just keep it a little light: tell him you will see how it goes, but plan to be actively dating other men as long as he is actively dating other women.

Maybe he will decide he can't handle that and is up for monogamy after all. Or maybe you will meet someone you like better, who doesn't come with any red flags. Or maybe you will realize you kind of like having multiple men available to you! Or not– maybe you will end up saying, this is definitely not for me. But don't see a big downside to you of giving this a bit of time.

Agree. There's no timeline here for you. You're not looking for someone to live with. You don't even see this guy that much, so it's not taking up the time you could be spending meeting someone else. You're not making a choice here about forever monogamy vs. not, you're just trying this out.

Is he practicing protected sex with OP? No unprotected sex of any kind and regularly tests for herpes ? I’m a woman who was cheated on and had painful UTIs from exH who slept with others.

Condoms protect well against transmission from men to women. Obviously they should use condoms. She can also deescalate things physically if she wants some time to figure out her feelings.

Most just are t using them these days. Hence the rise in STIs.

OK, but this is something she can control. Sex without a condom doesn't just happen to you.

Well, oral sex happens without condoms; and most older men prefer not to use condoms. The poly PP didn't respond how they address these issues.
I'm the woman who tried to date a poly man, and it was very disgusting to let him kiss me when I thought he had oral with other women just a day prior

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Does poly ever work long term? I get that it could work short term, but it is hard to imagine it being both stable and good for all concerned (not just for some) longer term.

Yes. Been in a poly relationship for 8 years now.

Tell us how it works for oral and A. sex, controlling if your secondary partners don't have deceases, liability issues if infected with herpes or hepatitis., splitting your time, building a relationship between you and your partner; contracting other partners.

[Anonymous]

Can the STD, condom, herpes police go somewhere else? Why does every thread that has to do with even the possibility of sex devolve into this ridiculous conversation about STD's, condoms, and herpes etc? We are ALL adults. OP is in her 50's. Just cut it out.....

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have had several serious relationships in my life, including two marriages and two other live-in relationships that lasted a few years, as well as plenty of other less serious relationships before my marriage and between marriages.

Many marriages, many live-in relationships, many less serious relationships.
Based on your history, you can’t stay in relationships. Either you pick the wrong people all the time or you don’t like long term commitments. An open relationship might be best for you.
This new relationship won’t last with you anyway. Just enjoy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Does poly ever work long term? I get that it could work short term, but it is hard to imagine it being both stable and good for all concerned (not just for some) longer term.

Yes. Been in a poly relationship for 8 years now.

Tell us how it works for oral and A. sex, controlling if your secondary partners don't have deceases, liability issues if infected with herpes or hepatitis., splitting your time, building a relationship between you and your partner; contracting other partners.

The exact same way it works in other relationships: trust, honesty, and integrity, if you're lucky. Lies, manipulations, and cheating, if you're not.

Adding partners doesn't change much about the base dynamics of sexual relationships. It increases the need to communicate well, and maybe more often, but if you can't do that, you can't do that. The number of parties you're communicating with isn't the deciding factor.

[Anonymous]

I'd say let him have the time to sow his oats and have sex with lots of other people. Like, set a time. A year, two. You don't have to continue seeing him or dating him or having sex with him. But you could. You could limit it to sex with condoms. Or whatever. But be open to dating for a while.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:On one hand, most relationships that are declared/intended to be monogamous ultimately do not remain so - someone cheats, or the relationship ends.

On the other hand, it's hard (for me at least) to imagine a non-monogamous relationship having enough "glue" to survive real life challenges (sickness, financial ruin, etc) - which is an important reason why we have relationships.

I dunno. I "get" the idea of non-monogamy, it just seems fraught. Of course, so is monogamy. So are all relationships.

It sounds like you have a good relationship. If you were my friend, I would ask you - what do you think of just enjoying it and see where it goes/where your feelings on this go? If that idea doesn't (or does) sit well with you, maybe you have your answer?

The bold above would be my concern. If the relationship is built on “what suits me” what happens when things get tough and it no longer suits me. Maybe the idea is lots of other strong friendships to help you through?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Can the STD, condom, herpes police go somewhere else? Why does every thread that has to do with even the possibility of sex devolve into this ridiculous conversation about STD's, condoms, and herpes etc? We are ALL adults. OP is in her 50's. Just cut it out.....

Std risk has to be considered. If we're being "mature" and "open" considering effing multiple people (directly and indiectly) then we can talk about the risks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can the STD, condom, herpes police go somewhere else? Why does every thread that has to do with even the possibility of sex devolve into this ridiculous conversation about STD's, condoms, and herpes etc? We are ALL adults. OP is in her 50's. Just cut it out.....

Std risk has to be considered. If we're being "mature" and "open" considering effing multiple people (directly and indiectly) then we can talk about the risks.

OK, but you don't see that on every thread where someone reports they're having sex with a new partner fairly quickly. Do you think saying the words "nonmonogamy" are what creates the risk? Lots of people who don't identify as poly have sex with multiple partners over a short period of time. You should assume anyone you are sleeping with outside of a committed relationship is doing this, and you should take whatever precautions you feel are necessary to mitigate those risks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Can the STD, condom, herpes police go somewhere else? Why does every thread that has to do with even the possibility of sex devolve into this ridiculous conversation about STD's, condoms, and herpes etc? We are ALL adults. OP is in her 50's. Just cut it out.....

The nun can’t scare us with pregnancy threats anymore so she had to adapt.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can the STD, condom, herpes police go somewhere else? Why does every thread that has to do with even the possibility of sex devolve into this ridiculous conversation about STD's, condoms, and herpes etc? We are ALL adults. OP is in her 50's. Just cut it out.....

Std risk has to be considered. If we're being "mature" and "open" considering effing multiple people (directly and indiectly) then we can talk about the risks.

OK, but you don't see that on every thread where someone reports they're having sex with a new partner fairly quickly. Do you think saying the words "nonmonogamy" are what creates the risk? Lots of people who don't identify as poly have sex with multiple partners over a short period of time. You should assume anyone you are sleeping with outside of a committed relationship is doing this, and you should take whatever precautions you feel are necessary to mitigate those risks.

Different poster? Yes they should but none do I mean if they did then old would be full of these people who ask for STD test or disclose their St test status. It would be saying that they recently took and they are clean but men don't actually care. I've never been asked for my status. I've been asked to hook up after a day though.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can the STD, condom, herpes police go somewhere else? Why does every thread that has to do with even the possibility of sex devolve into this ridiculous conversation about STD's, condoms, and herpes etc? We are ALL adults. OP is in her 50's. Just cut it out.....

Std risk has to be considered. If we're being "mature" and "open" considering effing multiple people (directly and indiectly) then we can talk about the risks.

OK, but you don't see that on every thread where someone reports they're having sex with a new partner fairly quickly. Do you think saying the words "nonmonogamy" are what creates the risk? Lots of people who don't identify as poly have sex with multiple partners over a short period of time. You should assume anyone you are sleeping with outside of a committed relationship is doing this, and you should take whatever precautions you feel are necessary to mitigate those risks.

Different poster? Yes they should but none do I mean if they did then old would be full of these people who ask for STD test or disclose their St test status. It would be saying that they recently took and they are clean but men don't actually care. I've never been asked for my status. I've been asked to hook up after a day though.

The thing is that in poly relationships there is one main partner (who is usually non protected/co-habilitating) and secondary partners. If that "main" partner was just in a committed mono relationship, cheating is of course possible but at the same time the presumption of monogamy does deter partners from engaging with a very large number of people outside this relationship. With poly, it's allowed, or it has to be regulated by pretty complex "disclosure" rules where everyone tells everyone. The online forums are full of questions from poly people if HSV2 should be explicitly disclosed, for example or just if other partners ask for the test.

In casual dating, people just use condoms and nobody is "primary" unprotected partner.