Reply to Non-monogamy: dealbreaker? or am I being close-minded?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]It is never close-minded to decide that some sexual preference or arrangement is not for you. Like if I am heterosexual and a woman expresses an interest in me and I say "no I'm sorry but I'm only interested in men" that is not closed-minded. It's just that our sexual preferences do not line up so we can't be together. The end.

Close-minded would be telling this guy that you think his interest in ethical non-monogamy is gross or wrong. You don't feel that way. It's just not for you. And I don't see why your very well-thought out reasons for deciding it's not for you based on your own sexual history are somehow less valid than his. It's fine he doens't want a monogamous relationship. But you do. So it doesn't sound like you guys are compatible and while that may be a bummer it's not the end of the world. You don't even live in the same city! Just move on and you will find someone whose relationship preferences match yours or you will be happy alone but at least you will have made the decision for yourself.

To me this is just the 2024 version of a man pressuring a woman to be open to sex she doesn't want to have or to be a sahm when she wants to work or to have kids when she doesn't want them. The argument that you are being "closed minded" if you won't essentially adopt his sexual preferences is exactly the kind of coercive argument men have always used to try and get women to go along to get along. You don't have to. Do what YOU want and don't feel compelled to change your preferences to accommodate this man.[/quote]

There's no indication he called her close-minded or is trying to coerce her into anything. He's being honest about a set of preferences that some women would be into. If she not, that's fine.[/quote]

Where did OP get the idea that saying no to this would be "closed-minded then?[/quote]

Literally anywhere else? Maybe she googled polyamory and read something about it. Maybe a friend said it. Maybe it's just her own inner voice judging her. [/quote]

Perhaps but it sounds from her description like the pressure to do this is all coming from him. If being non-monogamous was important to him why did he get into a relationship with someone before discussing it?

It really looks like he either slow played it in the hopes that once she was attached she'd agree to it OR that he maybe isn't committed to non-monogamy but views it as a way to hold onto a woman he likes while he also explores dating other women. Not really poly but just someone with fomo who is afraid of what he'll miss out on if he commits to one person. Like maybe for another woman he'd be fine giving up other women but for OP he's like "I really like you but want to see what else is out there."

The fact that this didn't start as an explicitly non-monogamous relationship and now he's springing it on her doens't sit well with me. Usually people who are committed to enm are very straight forward about it.[/quote]

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