We are separating, telling kids on Saturday

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It isn't like the OW is gorgeous, so it isn't all about physical attributes. She has three kids, including a set of twins, and permanently looks 5 months pregnant. Also very horse-faced, and homely - not the type to do anything other than keep her hair in a pony tail, no make-up, etc.

There is nothing wrong with that, but for the troll who says it is all about women letting themselves go - yeah, that isn't the case, because he'd be going for someone younger, hotter, more put together.

Does it hurt that she's more desired?

Not OP, but the lengths you are going to to try to hurt an anonymous woman on the Internet are hilarious and pathetic at the same time. Are you angry because you can't get laid? Something has to be up with you.

I'm no type the OP but have no idea what this PP is spouting off about. Methinks an AP with three kids (including a set of twins) and horse teeth may have stumbled upon this thread.

[Anonymous]

Pp, do you live in new construction in Delray?

[Anonymous]

OP here. So now that his move out date is imminent, he's been saying things like "You know I haven't completely given up on us. I still hope we can work things out and this separation will provide clarity."

What do I do with that? I mean, my first choice would be to save my marriage, but I don't want to prolong this insanity. He'd have to do so many things, and I'm not sure he has it in him.

[Anonymous]

You can let him know that you'd like to save your marriage but you MUST have some alone time first (I think you should ... if you want it) and that he MUST put in the work. IC, MC, whatever.

You can't hold this over his head forever, but you DO have to deal with it and not rug sweep it.

Full, open, honest discussion and access to his devices. Let him know what those things are (seriously, write them down) and give him a chance to digest the seriousness of that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. So now that his move out date is imminent, he's been saying things like "You know I haven't completely given up on us. I still hope we can work things out and this separation will provide clarity."

What do I do with that? I mean, my first choice would be to save my marriage, but I don't want to prolong this insanity. He'd have to do so many things, and I'm not sure he has it in him.

Wait, I thought he regretted your 15 year marriage and AP is his soul mate? That seemed pretty clear to me. He hasn't given up on his marriage, but we don't know if he has even given up the AP? What clarity will this separation provide, cause I can say now he is acting like an ahole, and not treating you very well. You are supposed to sit by and put your life on pause waiting and hoping he will realize that? Honestly check out chump lady and surviving infidelity for BTDT advice from differing perspectives.

I don't want to egg on a separation if you really want to stay together. I just have this feeling unless he is willing to put in the work to figure out why on his own, and then you both go to counseling as a couple, you would just be covering up the real problems if you offer to take him back at this stage ...not that he is exactly asking to be taken back.

[Anonymous]

Trying to make sure you'll still be around if things with AP don't work out...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. So now that his move out date is imminent, he's been saying things like "You know I haven't completely given up on us. I still hope we can work things out and this separation will provide clarity."
What do I do with that? I mean, my first choice would be to save my marriage, but I don't want to prolong this insanity. He'd have to do so many things, and I'm not sure he has it in him.

I want to say that my spouse let me stay after an affair. And it was touch and go for a while there. If we'd separated, I probably wouldn't have come back. But now I can say things are MUCH better, we are happy, and we've worked through a lot of the problems we had (yes, there were pre-affair problems. It WASN'T that golden goose you keep looking for of a happy marriage but still one partner has an affair. I'm not saying we were miserable all the time, but we had some serious problems) (and I'll add, I had some issues that I hadn't dealt with, my own personal rug-sweeping, and that contributed to the marriage problems).

But you have to really want to work on your marriage, because it will not be easy, comfortable, or even loving a lot of the time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. So now that his move out date is imminent, he's been saying things like "You know I haven't completely given up on us. I still hope we can work things out and this separation will provide clarity."
What do I do with that? I mean, my first choice would be to save my marriage, but I don't want to prolong this insanity. He'd have to do so many things, and I'm not sure he has it in him.

I want to say that my spouse let me stay after an affair. And it was touch and go for a while there. If we'd separated, I probably wouldn't have come back. But now I can say things are MUCH better, we are happy, and we've worked through a lot of the problems we had (yes, there were pre-affair problems. It WASN'T that golden goose you keep looking for of a happy marriage but still one partner has an affair. I'm not saying we were miserable all the time, but we had some serious problems) (and I'll add, I had some issues that I hadn't dealt with, my own personal rug-sweeping, and that contributed to the marriage problems).

But you have to really want to work on your marriage, because it will not be easy, comfortable, or even loving a lot of the time.

Regarding the happy marriage comment. If no person is perfect, and no marriage is perfect, then every marriage has problems. Does that mean that every person on earth is justified in having an affair because their marriage definitely has problems? No? So that means there has to be some bar for how bad the problems need to be to make it ok for you to fall into bed with someone else. And who sets where that bar is? Oh right you do. Gotcha.

I feel bad for your spouse that you're still married and you're doing all of these mental gymnastics to take away any of the blame from yourself. That your spouse has to take that on in addition to everything you've put him/her through just to keep their marriage together is so, so sad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Regarding the happy marriage comment. If no person is perfect, and no marriage is perfect, then every marriage has problems. Does that mean that every person on earth is justified in having an affair because their marriage definitely has problems? No? So that means there has to be some bar for how bad the problems need to be to make it ok for you to fall into bed with someone else. And who sets where that bar is? Oh right you do. Gotcha.

I feel bad for your spouse that you're still married and you're doing all of these mental gymnastics to take away any of the blame from yourself. That your spouse has to take that on in addition to everything you've put him/her through just to keep their marriage together is so, so sad.

Thank you, yes, my spouse does deserve your sympathy. I'll accept your generosity.

But I think you are are willfully misunderstanding and trying to inflict your own bitterness and anger on others. I haven't justified having an affair, nor do I release myself of blame. I made decisions. But that is between myself and my spouse.

I think you need a hug and some additional loving.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. So now that his move out date is imminent, he's been saying things like "You know I haven't completely given up on us. I still hope we can work things out and this separation will provide clarity."

What do I do with that? I mean, my first choice would be to save my marriage, but I don't want to prolong this insanity. He'd have to do so many things, and I'm not sure he has it in him.

full disclosure, i have not read everything but I have btdt.

Still have him move out. Don't close the door to reconciliation. He needs to live with the consequences of his actions.

No doubt the OW is a mess and he is starting to realize that, make him live it. He needs to decide regardless of you and the children that OW is not his soul mate. After he does ... and he will, he has 6 months of no contact with the OW and individual counseling to figure out why he uses affairs to "fix his internal issues". Let him try to recommit himself to being a person that does the right thing in the face of an imperfect world.

Then you can open discussion about whether you want to reconcile.

Either way your kids get a better man as a father.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. So now that his move out date is imminent, he's been saying things like "You know I haven't completely given up on us. I still hope we can work things out and this separation will provide clarity."

What do I do with that? I mean, my first choice would be to save my marriage, but I don't want to prolong this insanity. He'd have to do so many things, and I'm not sure he has it in him.

full disclosure, i have not read everything but I have btdt.

Still have him move out. Don't close the door to reconciliation. He needs to live with the consequences of his actions.

No doubt the OW is a mess and he is starting to realize that, make him live it. He needs to decide regardless of you and the children that OW is not his soul mate. After he does ... and he will, he has 6 months of no contact with the OW and individual counseling to figure out why he uses affairs to "fix his internal issues". Let him try to recommit himself to being a person that does the right thing in the face of an imperfect world.

Then you can open discussion about whether you want to reconcile.

Either way your kids get a better man as a father.

Great advice

[Anonymous]

OP here. So now that his move out date is imminent, he's been saying things like "You know I haven't completely given up on us. I still hope we can work things out and this separation will provide clarity."

What do I do with that? I mean, my first choice would be to save my marriage, but I don't want to prolong this insanity. He'd have to do so many things, and I'm not sure he has it in him.



full disclosure, i have not read everything but I have btdt.

Still have him move out. Don't close the door to reconciliation. He needs to live with the consequences of his actions.

No doubt the OW is a mess and he is starting to realize that, make him live it. He needs to decide regardless of you and the children that OW is not his soul mate. After he does ... and he will, he has 6 months of no contact with the OW and individual counseling to figure out why he uses affairs to "fix his internal issues". Let him try to recommit himself to being a person that does the right thing in the face of an imperfect world.

Then you can open discussion about whether you want to reconcile.

Either way your kids get a better man as a father.

OP here. thanks. You are right. I know you are right. He moves out this week. I think the last year of uncertainty has been really hard, and the idea of more uncertainty is really unappealing. But I know at the end of the day, I need to just live with this uncertainty and take it as it comes. I think I'm going to do the 180 - basically no contact other than transactional stuff regarding the children. I'm going to focus on myself, immerse myself in this new life, and take each day as it comes. Right now, I do still have a great desire to have my family back, but NOT with the person my husband has been this past year. If he makes changes and wants to return, I'll see where I'm at. Time will tell, I suppose.

I still do fantasize about confronting the other woman and scratching her eyeballs out. I mean, what kind of person tells a married man she's in love with him?? At least when I asked my husband if he feels like he could ever trust her in a relationship, knowing that she basically put herself out there, offering herself up to a married man, he looked stunned. Shockingly, the man had never thought through the implications of her moral compass and what it might mean for her suitability in a longterm relationship. He even admitted that he'd probably have a hard time trusting her. Good. They deserve each other.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

OP here. So now that his move out date is imminent, he's been saying things like "You know I haven't completely given up on us. I still hope we can work things out and this separation will provide clarity."

What do I do with that? I mean, my first choice would be to save my marriage, but I don't want to prolong this insanity. He'd have to do so many things, and I'm not sure he has it in him.



full disclosure, i have not read everything but I have btdt.

Still have him move out. Don't close the door to reconciliation. He needs to live with the consequences of his actions.

No doubt the OW is a mess and he is starting to realize that, make him live it. He needs to decide regardless of you and the children that OW is not his soul mate. After he does ... and he will, he has 6 months of no contact with the OW and individual counseling to figure out why he uses affairs to "fix his internal issues". Let him try to recommit himself to being a person that does the right thing in the face of an imperfect world.

Then you can open discussion about whether you want to reconcile.

Either way your kids get a better man as a father.

OP here. thanks. You are right. I know you are right. He moves out this week. I think the last year of uncertainty has been really hard, and the idea of more uncertainty is really unappealing. But I know at the end of the day, I need to just live with this uncertainty and take it as it comes. I think I'm going to do the 180 - basically no contact other than transactional stuff regarding the children. I'm going to focus on myself, immerse myself in this new life, and take each day as it comes. Right now, I do still have a great desire to have my family back, but NOT with the person my husband has been this past year. If he makes changes and wants to return, I'll see where I'm at. Time will tell, I suppose.

I still do fantasize about confronting the other woman and scratching her eyeballs out. I mean, what kind of person tells a married man she's in love with him?? At least when I asked my husband if he feels like he could ever trust her in a relationship, knowing that she basically put herself out there, offering herself up to a married man, he looked stunned. Shockingly, the man had never thought through the implications of her moral compass and what it might mean for her suitability in a longterm relationship. He even admitted that he'd probably have a hard time trusting her. Good. They deserve each other.

This is very normal to have that thought but it can be insidious and hurtful to your own spirit. You get a few months of this but you should read about mindfulness.

When an ugly thought enters your brain (you can't control that but you can control what you do with that thought), imagine walking down the street and that thought is a stranger approaching. You can nod, say hi, shake their hand or just walk right past. Once that stranger is behind you just keep walking and say goodbye to that thought and enjoy the rest of what you see in front of you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

OP here. So now that his move out date is imminent, he's been saying things like "You know I haven't completely given up on us. I still hope we can work things out and this separation will provide clarity."

What do I do with that? I mean, my first choice would be to save my marriage, but I don't want to prolong this insanity. He'd have to do so many things, and I'm not sure he has it in him.



full disclosure, i have not read everything but I have btdt.

Still have him move out. Don't close the door to reconciliation. He needs to live with the consequences of his actions.

No doubt the OW is a mess and he is starting to realize that, make him live it. He needs to decide regardless of you and the children that OW is not his soul mate. After he does ... and he will, he has 6 months of no contact with the OW and individual counseling to figure out why he uses affairs to "fix his internal issues". Let him try to recommit himself to being a person that does the right thing in the face of an imperfect world.

Then you can open discussion about whether you want to reconcile.

Either way your kids get a better man as a father.

OP here. thanks. You are right. I know you are right. He moves out this week. I think the last year of uncertainty has been really hard, and the idea of more uncertainty is really unappealing. But I know at the end of the day, I need to just live with this uncertainty and take it as it comes. I think I'm going to do the 180 - basically no contact other than transactional stuff regarding the children. I'm going to focus on myself, immerse myself in this new life, and take each day as it comes. Right now, I do still have a great desire to have my family back, but NOT with the person my husband has been this past year. If he makes changes and wants to return, I'll see where I'm at. Time will tell, I suppose.

I still do fantasize about confronting the other woman and scratching her eyeballs out. I mean, what kind of person tells a married man she's in love with him?? At least when I asked my husband if he feels like he could ever trust her in a relationship, knowing that she basically put herself out there, offering herself up to a married man, he looked stunned. Shockingly, the man had never thought through the implications of her moral compass and what it might mean for her suitability in a longterm relationship. He even admitted that he'd probably have a hard time trusting her. Good. They deserve each other.

Yes, no doubt she's a bad person for doing what she did. But direct the anger where it principally belongs--your husband. He is the one who took a vow to be faithful to you and broke it, willfully and selfishly.

[Anonymous]

Yes, no doubt she's a bad person for doing what she did. But direct the anger where it principally belongs--your husband. He is the one who took a vow to be faithful to you and broke it, willfully and selfishly.

Not OP.

she is not a bad person, she did a bad thing. Most likely she is very insecure, unhappy on the inside, has low self esteem etc. OP should be thankful that the circumstances of her birth/upbringing/DNA did not make her this way. I pity OW... I have numerous friends that are OW, it is one of the saddest most self destructive things I have seen somebody do to themselves.

OP should not direct anger at anybody, she should process the anger and move on.

Both the H and the OW did a bad thing, i don't have to vow to somebody not to do something that will hurt them.