We are separating, telling kids on Saturday

[Anonymous]

I'm so sorry.

Be specific about their lives, what will change, what will not change. Do not have Dad leave right away (or you), but have a plan for when this will all happen. Answer their questions. Be prepared to address: here are both of you living,, where are they living, what will their schedule look like, who will take them to school, drop them off, can they still have sleepovers, what about christmas, what about pets, everything.

They will also want to know why. and they will want, even if they can't articulate this, want to know whey your love for them wasn't enough to stay together. BE prepared if they ask you if either of you is going to marry someone else. and then, be prepared for therapy with them.

also, if you think your DH is still in a relationship with the other woman, I would tell her husband if there's any chance that you might ever want to reconcile. His speech, while horrible to you, reflects 'affair fog' thinking and is unnecessarily cruel because he's trying to avoid guilt.

[Anonymous]

Since you asked. I told my husband but waited a week to confirm my decision while we were en route to a hike, after yet another instance of his nasty treatment of me and my sitting there and taking it as usual during the car ride. Needless to say the hike idea was aborted. HS age daughter got very angry at me but refused to talk about it. Sat with her dad after we got home. JHS age daughter cried crocodile tears for about 10 minutes, later that day she found me alone and told me she was not mad at me.
I think they pretty much expected it. That was 2 years ago.
In retrospect I wish we had worked it out; I needed to learn to speak up for myself and hold him accountable somehow. I never learned how to do that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks for the support. I appreciate it.

Re: the other woman . . . I do feel in my gut that it isn't over with them, and that it probably never was. How in the hell can I keep my sanity and my dignity when/if he tries to introduce my children to her?

When do you try to teach your children about how hurtful and wrong all of this is? OBVIOUSLY not now . . . but I don't want them growing up thinking their father's actions are ok, that marriage isn't a commitment, etc.

You don't. You don't do this. They are little kids. Don't burden them with your issues.

They will get older and ask questions and figure it out and come to their own conclusions.

Do not poison them against your DH. It will come back to bite you on the ass, so look at it from self-interest. And leaving that aside, it's just the wrong thing to do.

[Anonymous]

Your dumb husband is too dumb to realize sex with no one around is a lot better than sex with kids in the next room over but thats what you sign up for when having a family. Its not like they are spending real time with each other building a relationship. What your husband describes as amazing and pure sounds more like the antithesis to me.

[Anonymous]

OP here. I agree. I don't want to poison them against their father. I really, really don't.

[Anonymous]

OP, I can't speak to what you're going through and you have my deepest sympathy. I am a child of divorce though. I have absolutely no idea what caused my parents' divorce and I have always been grateful for that. If there was infidelity or neglect or anything else, I don't know about it. My mom never, ever badmouthed my dad nor the other way around, and they worked together cooperatively on any issues involving me as I was growing up. My mom said to me one time, in reference to another friend's relationship, that even though she and my dad obviously didn't last as a couple, the one thing that always held them together was the shared experience of how much they loved me. I hope you can keep that in mind, or something similar that works for you, for your kids' sake. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks for the support. I appreciate it.

Re: the other woman . . . I do feel in my gut that it isn't over with them, and that it probably never was. How in the hell can I keep my sanity and my dignity when/if he tries to introduce my children to her?

When do you try to teach your children about how hurtful and wrong all of this is? OBVIOUSLY not now . . . but I don't want them growing up thinking their father's actions are ok, that marriage isn't a commitment, etc.

You don't. You don't do this. They are little kids. Don't burden them with your issues.

They will get older and ask questions and figure it out and come to their own conclusions.

Do not poison them against your DH. It will come back to bite you on the ass, so look at it from self-interest. And leaving that aside, it's just the wrong thing to do.

Agreed. That's not a good look.

[Anonymous]

The kids of divorced parents in my circle have been the most careful about marrying (and take it the most seriously), so I wouldn't worry that your kids will get the impression that marriage is lightweight. Seeing the dissolution of a marriage (even if that's the best outcome available) makes people realize it's a big deal. Please, let this be the least of your worries.

[Anonymous]

Definitely tell the woman's husband.

[Anonymous]

Easy to be in a gauzy romantic relationship when it's only sexy interludes. I'd strongly encourage you to reconsider your separation. Staying married its sometimes a hard slog but single mothers with small children often wish they had toughed it out.

[Anonymous]

one very important thing if you can manage it is if you and your husband can agree never to bad-mouth each other in front of the children. You should try to remember what you respect about your husband and make sure they know that, and he should do the same.

I am SO grateful my parents did this despite a difficult divorce.

[Anonymous]

Easy to be in a gauzy romantic relationship when it's only sexy interludes. I'd strongly encourage you to reconsider your separation. Staying married its sometimes a hard slog but single mothers with small children often wish they had toughed it out.

The separation was not my decision. I can't force him to stay. He says he is done working on the marriage. He signed a lease on a new place a short distance away. I do think we could have worked on it, but that requires two willing partners.

[Anonymous]

Don't tell the other woman's husband. It isn't your place. Their relationship is their relationship, and you play no part in it.

[Anonymous]

I am sorry OP that you are going through this. My own father said and did the same thing to my mom a very long time ago when I was young. The other woman decided to stay with her husband and my parents did divorce. He has since been a very sad and lonely life and although my mom did not remarry she has been pretty happy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Don't tell the other woman's husband. It isn't your place. Their relationship is their relationship, and you play no part in it.

I agree. You need to move on and this will not help. I would contact a therapist before you tell the kids.