We are separating, telling kids on Saturday

[Anonymous]

My husband and I are separating. It isn't what I want, but he no longer resembles the man I married. He had an affair with a co-worker about a year ago, and I *think* they ended things, but we've been unable to fix our marriage. He told me last night that the love they had was so amazing, so pure, and so intense that he now believes our 15+ year marriage was a mistake. Barf. SUPPOSEDLY this other woman is in counseling with her husband. I really, really, really want to contact her husband and let him know that whatever happened between his wife and my husband has led to the dissolution of our marriage. I feel he has a right to know, and I'd want to know if I were in his shoes.

On a separate issue, we are telling the kids this weekend. Both children are in lower elementary grades. Can someone who has been through this tell me what it was like when you did it? I expect tears, anger, confusion. I'm committed to holding the line that mommy and daddy both love them and that this is very sad, and that I wish we could all be together but that it just can't happen now.

[Anonymous]

Tip: tell them exactly how this will affect THEIR lives. Will you both still attend their birthday parties? What about Thanksgiving? Christmas? Will Dad still take them to soccer on Sundays?

That's what they'll care about - the logistics of how their lives will change.

[Anonymous]

Tell the other husband. I would appreciate it. The two cheaters are living a fantasy and you two need to protect yourselves.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband and I are separating. It isn't what I want, but he no longer resembles the man I married. He had an affair with a co-worker about a year ago, and I *think* they ended things, but we've been unable to fix our marriage. He told me last night that the love they had was so amazing, so pure, and so intense that he now believes our 15+ year marriage was a mistake. Barf. SUPPOSEDLY this other woman is in counseling with her husband. I really, really, really want to contact her husband and let him know that whatever happened between his wife and my husband has led to the dissolution of our marriage. I feel he has a right to know, and I'd want to know if I were in his shoes.

On a separate issue, we are telling the kids this weekend. Both children are in lower elementary grades. Can someone who has been through this tell me what it was like when you did it? I expect tears, anger, confusion. I'm committed to holding the line that mommy and daddy both love them and that this is very sad, and that I wish we could all be together but that it just can't happen now.

Tell the woman's husband how her pure love led to the destruction of your family. Your DH and his wife are still in an affair.

[Anonymous]

Have you met with a therapist who deals with kids in order to develop a strategy/plan and understand what the kids' perspective will be?

If not, I would recommend doing that first.

[Anonymous]

Before you call the other husband please really dig deep within and find out what your motivation is. Be honest. Is there any part of you that is saying "f you" to the other woman? Is this about vengeance or out of concern for the other DH? "He has a right to know" isn't satisfactory. He obviously knows about the affair. Your marriage is none of his business and vice versa. Telling him may only cause more drama and if that woman and your DH get together permanently, she will be caring for your children. Think about it.
As for the kids, the PP had great advice. Be specific about how their lives will change. Make sure you have made as many of those decisions as possible before you talk to them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Have you met with a therapist who deals with kids in order to develop a strategy/plan and understand what the kids' perspective will be?

If not, I would recommend doing that first.

Agree - you know your children and how they may react. I have friends who told their kids on vacation. MASSIVE FAIL

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your marriage is none of his business and vice versa.

I disagree. They are pretty much in a relationship with each other. Probably, even at one point, shared DNA.

[Anonymous]

Can you get them through the holidays before you split.? The ti ING seems horrible.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Can you get them through the holidays before you split.? The ti ING seems horrible.

Timing

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry, OP. When you tell your kids, give them the practical logistics of what their life will be like, because they will be scared about that stuff.

And steel yourself to see the grief stricken expressions on their faces that will be seered into your memory forever. It's the worst thing I ever did.

[Anonymous]

ack. "seared."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Before you call the other husband please really dig deep within and find out what your motivation is. Be honest. Is there any part of you that is saying "f you" to the other woman? Is this about vengeance or out of concern for the other DH? "He has a right to know" isn't satisfactory. He obviously knows about the affair. Your marriage is none of his business and vice versa. Telling him may only cause more drama and if that woman and your DH get together permanently, she will be caring for your children. Think about it.
As for the kids, the PP had great advice. Be specific about how their lives will change. Make sure you have made as many of those decisions as possible before you talk to them.

NP, and no skin in this game. What's wrong with getting everything out in the open? He has a right to know. I would want to know. She wants him to know. The only assholes who want to hide things are the cheaters.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry, OP. When you tell your kids, give them the practical logistics of what their life will be like, because they will be scared about that stuff.

And steel yourself to see the grief stricken expressions on their faces that will be seered into your memory forever. It's the worst thing I ever did.

Specifically where they will be living when they are with you individually. That they are still going to be together.

And a deep heartfelt apology from your DH to them would be appreciated, too, since he sucks. No mention of the other woman or affair or whatever you want to call it.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thanks for the support. I appreciate it.

Re: the other woman . . . I do feel in my gut that it isn't over with them, and that it probably never was. How in the hell can I keep my sanity and my dignity when/if he tries to introduce my children to her?

When do you try to teach your children about how hurtful and wrong all of this is? OBVIOUSLY not now . . . but I don't want them growing up thinking their father's actions are ok, that marriage isn't a commitment, etc.