We are separating, telling kids on Saturday

[Anonymous]

It is too late now, but I would advise you to decide whether you want him back or no.
If yes, I would be very casual with kids about why he is moving out, I would not tell the other husband and I would t tell anyone except a trusted friend or two. That would leave the door open.
If you are hurting too much to have him back, ever, then what you are doing is good enough. Except, humiliating him is never a good idea as people just feel awkward and that's it.

[Anonymous]

Can't tell you why he stocked up before he's about to move out. But I can say it's not uncommon. My friend's ex still after being separated/divorced for 3 years, will show up with random household supplies. He also wants to start an Amazon Subscribe and Save for her (he'd pay).

I think it might be guilt.

[Anonymous]

Mine told me he was still going to come shovel the driveway when it snowed. Which was particularly interesting since he pretty much didn't bother to help with that when he lived here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Get a good attorney. Protect yourself and the kids financially. Put him on the hook for college in the agreeement. I'd also tell the other husband. Who knows if he knows or if they are really in therapy. Liars lie about a lot more than one thing.


Good luck. I'm sorry your husband is a piece of shit.

I mean this honestly and truly, what person with half a brain would sign an agreement forcing them to pay for college (which is a 6-figure commitment these days)?

Sure I would be willing to help my kids attend college, but legal obligations end at 18.

Because men are parents too who love their kids and want them to be successful someday? WTF kind of question is this? My husband wants our kids to go to college as much as I do. If we divorced, why would that change?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Get a good attorney. Protect yourself and the kids financially. Put him on the hook for college in the agreeement. I'd also tell the other husband. Who knows if he knows or if they are really in therapy. Liars lie about a lot more than one thing.


Good luck. I'm sorry your husband is a piece of shit.

I mean this honestly and truly, what person with half a brain would sign an agreement forcing them to pay for college (which is a 6-figure commitment these days)?

Sure I would be willing to help my kids attend college, but legal obligations end at 18.

Because men are parents too who love their kids and want them to be successful someday? WTF kind of question is this? My husband wants our kids to go to college as much as I do. If we divorced, why would that change?

Because you may like to foot a 6 figure education, but you don't know where you are going to be financially in 10 years (married or not, frankly). It's a bad idea to commit yourself to it in a legally binding contract.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks for checking in. I'm ok. I actually think there might be something wrong with me. Spent the day sorting through stuff while the kids wee at school, and it wasn't emotional at all. No tears. Just business... that's mine, that's yours. Shouldn't this be more emotional?

Today he went out to Costco and stocked up on all sorts of stuff for our home. Why would he do that? He's moving out in less than a week. Why did he go buy a months worth of frozen meat, toilet paper, etc.? It isn't for his new place, he would have just brought it there. It kind of pisses me off that he is still doing stuff like this. I can take care of myself and the boys.

We had our first session with the mediator a few days ago to work out the separation agreement and it went well. I have to admit I took great pleasure in telling the mediator, matter of factly, that I want him to agree to waive spousal support if he gets fired from his job as a result of the affair he had with his subordinate. He's humiliated, as he should be. He agreed to it, though.

Fwiw, I found the limbo period the most upsetting. When I found out about the affair, when he was refusing to answer questions about it, when he lied about it, when he pressured me to stay together even though it wasn't clear whether he would be faithful or not, each day brought a new trauma and more tears.

When I finally kicked him out it was a huge relief. There was nothing left to cry about. I was not afraid to be alone. I was not afraid to take care of myself and the kids. I had no sexual interest or love left for him after all the lies he told, so it didn't hurt to see him or if I knew he was dating. I had full physical custody of the kids, so I wasn't so worried about them in his care; he could manage for a few hours at a time. I was able to first stay, then move to a residential situation that was best for the kids and me. I didn't care about possessions, so splitting them wasn't painful. I was in control of my life again and could arrange it in a way that was healthy and predictable. Everyone else in my life ( friends, family) is stable and supportive of me.

Now that he is gone, there is nothing left to cry about.

Since then, I have only cried when he has done something that hurts the kids - giving up his time at Christmas with them, marrying someone they didn't know, skipping visitation, etc. That is painful to watch. A person who has an affair, especially long term is incapable of understanding and balancing the needs of others against their own in a healthy way. This often comes out with the kids in their parenting. That's when I cried.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks for checking in. I'm ok. I actually think there might be something wrong with me. Spent the day sorting through stuff while the kids wee at school, and it wasn't emotional at all. No tears. Just business... that's mine, that's yours. Shouldn't this be more emotional?

Today he went out to Costco and stocked up on all sorts of stuff for our home. Why would he do that? He's moving out in less than a week. Why did he go buy a months worth of frozen meat, toilet paper, etc.? It isn't for his new place, he would have just brought it there. It kind of pisses me off that he is still doing stuff like this. I can take care of myself and the boys.

We had our first session with the mediator a few days ago to work out the separation agreement and it went well. I have to admit I took great pleasure in telling the mediator, matter of factly, that I want him to agree to waive spousal support if he gets fired from his job as a result of the affair he had with his subordinate. He's humiliated, as he should be. He agreed to it, though.

Fwiw, I found the limbo period the most upsetting. When I found out about the affair, when he was refusing to answer questions about it, when he lied about it, when he pressured me to stay together even though it wasn't clear whether he would be faithful or not, each day brought a new trauma and more tears.

When I finally kicked him out it was a huge relief. There was nothing left to cry about. I was not afraid to be alone. I was not afraid to take care of myself and the kids. I had no sexual interest or love left for him after all the lies he told, so it didn't hurt to see him or if I knew he was dating. I had full physical custody of the kids, so I wasn't so worried about them in his care; he could manage for a few hours at a time. I was able to first stay, then move to a residential situation that was best for the kids and me. I didn't care about possessions, so splitting them wasn't painful. I was in control of my life again and could arrange it in a way that was healthy and predictable. Everyone else in my life ( friends, family) is stable and supportive of me.

Now that he is gone, there is nothing left to cry about.

Since then, I have only cried when he has done something that hurts the kids - giving up his time at Christmas with them, marrying someone they didn't know, skipping visitation, etc. That is painful to watch. A person who has an affair, especially long term is incapable of understanding and balancing the needs of others against their own in a healthy way. This often comes out with the kids in their parenting. That's when I cried.

I'm just like the PP above. I mourned the death of the marriage so much while we were working out the little details prior to the separation and I was so miserable that by the time the plans were in place for him to leave it was not nearly as painful or difficult. The opposite of love isn't hate, it's indifference. It sounds like you have already sort of come to terms with everything. It is a rollercoaster though and you will have ups and downs, especially at the beginning. My own situation was also easier because like the PP I could care less about our material things and there was no fighting over who got what. My husband and I are actually amicable so far and in retrospect I think the dissolution of my marriage maybe been a very positive thing in my life. I don't have anyone else (newly separated) but I no longer come last in the family hierarchy. It's fabulous.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You have as much to blame, did you get fat, not listen enough, etc. You are as responsible as he is in making things work

Begone troll! No one takes you seriously!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
This cold disconnected personality drove him to cheat. No matter The man it will happen to you again.

Be gone troll! You have no power over me!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Another hour or so until we tell them. They've been enjoying their morning doing various activities all day so far. The closer the time gets, the angrier I get with him.

Last night, he finally, FINALLY acknowledged after over a year of therapy that they told each other they were in love with each other. He denied, denied, denied for a year. Lied in counseling. And now I know why nothing was going to ever work. The more I process this, the angrier I get. Such a liar, such a betrayal.

She isn't even attractive. She has giant horse teeth, including one big gray dead tooth in the front. Very mousy. Yes, this is me being petty and bitchy, but dear god, just let me have this pettiness in this moment.

BARF. I also hate bad teeth. My DH cheated and picked out a house with an ugly woman. I am pretty hot. It just speaks to the crazy shit show you don't want to be apart of anymore. Good, take him. You can have him, because he is obviously nuts.

Don't you get it? It has nothing to do with looks. I want to be with a woman who will respect my opinion, laugh at my jokes, and enjoy having sex with me; not with some bitch like you.

Then why do so many men on this forum get all upset when their wives gain twenty lbs?

Because first wives who get fat AND are bitches are not worth the hassle.

Amen!

+1000000 the cold reality of their worthlessness will be apparent when they are alone or try to date again

[Anonymous]

It isn't like the OW is gorgeous, so it isn't all about physical attributes. She has three kids, including a set of twins, and permanently looks 5 months pregnant. Also very horse-faced, and homely - not the type to do anything other than keep her hair in a pony tail, no make-up, etc.

There is nothing wrong with that, but for the troll who says it is all about women letting themselves go - yeah, that isn't the case, because he'd be going for someone younger, hotter, more put together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It isn't like the OW is gorgeous, so it isn't all about physical attributes. She has three kids, including a set of twins, and permanently looks 5 months pregnant. Also very horse-faced, and homely - not the type to do anything other than keep her hair in a pony tail, no make-up, etc.

There is nothing wrong with that, but for the troll who says it is all about women letting themselves go - yeah, that isn't the case, because he'd be going for someone younger, hotter, more put together.

Does it hurt that she's more desired?

[Anonymous]

I don't think it hurts that she is more desired. I think it makes me insecure that if he thinks that is attractive, I must not be as attractive as I thought I was. Like if you are Ben affleck and your wife leaves you for Adam Sandler. Kind of a "huh?" But clearly she is giving him something he needs.

[Anonymous]

So sorry, OP. Very difficult position you are in. I would follow PPs advice and explain to the children how their lives will and won't change. Tell them only what they need to know, and reassure them that both of you love them very much.

They may meet the OW at some point, but they do not need to know any details of how she split up your marriage. It would be unfair for you to burden your children with that information. It would poison their relationship with their father, and that would be extremely unhealthy. When they are old enough, even adults if need be, they can be told the truth. But now, do your best to reassure them. Make sure both of you are there!! Plan and agree on what you will say to them in advance.

As far as telling the husband of the OW, I think he has a right to know, since you suspect the affair is continuing. It's harsh and kind at the same time. I would tell him in an email or a brief phone call, and have no further contact with him whatsoever. He can ask his wife for the details.

Good luck and hold yourself together for the sake of your children. They will get through this if you and your STBX work together and keep your differences and disputes away from the kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It isn't like the OW is gorgeous, so it isn't all about physical attributes. She has three kids, including a set of twins, and permanently looks 5 months pregnant. Also very horse-faced, and homely - not the type to do anything other than keep her hair in a pony tail, no make-up, etc.

There is nothing wrong with that, but for the troll who says it is all about women letting themselves go - yeah, that isn't the case, because he'd be going for someone younger, hotter, more put together.

Does it hurt that she's more desired?

Not OP, but the lengths you are going to to try to hurt an anonymous woman on the Internet are hilarious and pathetic at the same time. Are you angry because you can't get laid? Something has to be up with you.