We are separating, telling kids on Saturday

[Anonymous]

My heart has been touched by this story. Please update

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thanks for checking in. Life continues, and we are adjusting to the new normal. I've kept my calm and I've been able to be strong for my kids. We've been able to attend events for the kids at the same time. I've limited communication to the kids and divorce logistics only. It helps a lot. If he texts me something not related to that, I just delete it and don't engage. Nights are harder, but each day that passes helps me get stronger.

He's started to waffle. At mediation, I will make clear statements like "we will do x when the divorce is final." He will say things like " well, if it gets to that point, that would be fine." If it gets to that point, asshole. You cheated on me and lied to me for a year. You put our kids through hell. You've robbed them of the life then knew and loved. You get no more chances. None.

[Anonymous]

Good for you OP. I'm proud of you. Hugs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Regarding the happy marriage comment. If no person is perfect, and no marriage is perfect, then every marriage has problems. Does that mean that every person on earth is justified in having an affair because their marriage definitely has problems? No? So that means there has to be some bar for how bad the problems need to be to make it ok for you to fall into bed with someone else. And who sets where that bar is? Oh right you do. Gotcha.

I feel bad for your spouse that you're still married and you're doing all of these mental gymnastics to take away any of the blame from yourself. That your spouse has to take that on in addition to everything you've put him/her through just to keep their marriage together is so, so sad.

Thank you, yes, my spouse does deserve your sympathy. I'll accept your generosity.

But I think you are are willfully misunderstanding and trying to inflict your own bitterness and anger on others. I haven't justified having an affair, nor do I release myself of blame. I made decisions. But that is between myself and my spouse.

I think you need a hug and some additional loving.

NP. You certainly are a smug little bitch for someone who admitted s/he slept around on his/her spouse. You have the morals of a sewer rat and I hope your spouse dumps you and your smelly genitals.

[Anonymous]

NP. You certainly are a smug little bitch for someone who admitted s/he slept around on his/her spouse. You have the morals of a sewer rat and I hope your spouse dumps you and your smelly genitals.

Sing it sista !!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Tip: tell them exactly how this will affect THEIR liVEs do it... call him..let him know what is going on or was.

[Anonymous]

ScienceMom wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. So now that his move out date is imminent, he's been saying things like "You know I haven't completely given up on us. I still hope we can work things out and this separation will provide clarity."

What do I do with that? I mean, my first choice would be to save my marriage, but I don't want to prolong this insanity. He'd have to do so many things, and I'm not sure he has it in him.

full disclosure, i have not read everything but I have btdt.

Still have him move out. Don't close the door to reconciliation. He needs to live with the consequences of his actions.

No doubt the OW is a mess and he is starting to realize that, make him live it. He needs to decide regardless of you and the children that OW is not his soul mate. After he does ... and he will, he has 6 months of no contact with the OW and individual counseling to figure out why he uses affairs to "fix his internal issues". Let him try to recommit himself to being a person that does the right thing in the face of an imperfect world.

Then you can open discussion about whether you want to reconcile.

Either way your kids get a better man as a father.

Couldn't have said it better!

I could say it better: Do NOT reconcile with a man like this.

[Anonymous]

Sending you a hug, OP. Hope you are as well as can be at the moment.

[Anonymous]

Thanks all!! Last night I was so, so filled with anger and was seriously on the cusp of contacting the OW's husband. I think the anger came from the fact that it was my STBXH's night with the kids, so I was alone. We are also 90% through with splitting up our finances, and I realized that he's spent $10K on this separation! That was the budget for our wedding back in 2000.

It just sucked to be sitting at home alone, sad, and realizing that my STBXH and the OW were the ones who cheated, and the only people suffering from it are me and my two children. Every day since the split, my children ask me who is picking them up from school and where they are going to sleep that night. It kills me that they have that level of uncertainty and disorientation in their lives. It is SO unfair and it is not how I ever envisioned raising my family.

But . . . I popped a xanax and put on some Netflix and went to bed. This morning, I'm glad that I didn't do anything rash because I still feel like I have my dignity. I'm following Michelle Obama's mantra - whey they go low, we go high. I'm going to get through this!

[Anonymous]

OP you are an inspiration. Wishing you a peaceful and restful Christmas.

[Anonymous]

Glad you stayed strong, OP! Believe you me, your STBX and the OW will get what's due them. You may not know it, but you can't do what they've done and not have it revisited on you in some way. Hugs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Glad you stayed strong, OP! Believe you me, your STBX and the OW will get what's due them. You may not know it, but you can't do what they've done and not have it revisited on you in some way. Hugs.

But the poor kids will suffer through it as well.

The best divorces I've observed focused on keeping the kids stable. So, the kids always slept in their own beds at home every night...while mom and dad took turns staying at the house.

[Anonymous]

OP here. I would have preferred that for the kids, but STBXH signed a lease on a new place before even telling me, so that was off the table. He's a selfish asshole.

[Anonymous]

NP here. I haven't read through all 15 pages, but I am really moved by your experiences. I feel for you and your kids, and can't imagine what it must be like after 15 years together.

This comment is totally out of left field, but have you even watched a movie called, The Women? Not the remake, but the original 1939 version with Joan Crawford. Some of it is really hokey, but there are parts that are definitely worth seeing.

[Anonymous]

OP here. I wanted to provide a 6 month update for those of you who followed my story earlier.

Things are actually going very, very well for me. Weekly therapy has helped me get through the worst of it, and now I'm down to going about once a month.

The kids have struggled, so I'm not going to sugarcoat that. The youngest refused to talk about or even acknowledge the divorce (he just turned 8), and started exhibiting lots of anger at home and at school. The older one (he is 10) started having discipline problems in school. While my STBXH insisted that it was all in my head, I insisted on getting them in to counseling.

During one of the early sessions, the therapist had the younger one draw a picture of his family. He drew a rocky mountain (which she said is a child's way of depicting lots of instability) with me and himself standing at the top of the mountain holding hands, with rainbows and flowers and big smiles. Daddy was drawn in black at the bottom of the mountain, laying down with his eyes x'd out, dead. His brother was half-drawn as an afterthought. When the therapist showed it to my STBXH and I, you should have seen his face . . . he was like "I don't think it means anything." It is really hard to see the kids struggling with this, but they have to go through it. They really do.

On the fear and anger side, things are better for me. I've learned I can do this on my own - I can cover the mortgage, pay all the bills, run the household, etc., and it's totally fine. In fact, doing all of this has made me feel so free and unburdened - it's like I'm flying! I can do this, I really can.

I don't cry very much anymore, but on occasion I'll be triggered by something like the song we played at our wedding, or on Facebook the "memory" feature that shows you things that you posted years ago on any given day.

The STBX isn't doing as well, shockingly. He's complaining of financial woes, how poor he is now that he's only on a single salary (we are both GS-15s, we make identical salaries, so no sympathy from me).

All in all, things are ok. I'm ok. The kids are going to be ok. It isn't the life I imagined, but it is what we have, and it is pretty darn amazing.