We are separating, telling kids on Saturday

[Anonymous]

Sure, whatever you say, 22:38. LOL.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. As far as I know, they are still working together. They have adjacent offices, he's her direct supervisor. My soon to be ex MIL asked him if they are still together, and all he told her was that he still hopes they will end up together, but that the OW is working on her marriage. STBXH has alienated his whole family - neither of his siblings are talking to him, and his mother has made it clear that she loves him as her son, but that she disapproves of what he's doing, what he's done, and that she can never be more than just civil to the OW if she is in his life for the long term.

I ended up sending the OW's husband a message on FB. We aren't FB friends, so I don't know if he got it or not. I simply told him that the relationship between OW and my STBXH led to the dissolution of my marriage, and that if he had any questions I gave him information on how to contact me. Done. Never heard a word.

Doing that helped me sleep at night. Not out of revenge... I was feeling burdened with this secret that I never agreed to have. Like I was somehow complicit in their affair, and that I was no better than all the coworkers who probably knew what was going on and never said a word. I didn't do it lightly - this was after months of struggling with the issue and discussing it in therapy. It was the right decision for me, and I realize I don't care or need to know if he ever even read it - I'm not burdened with this destructive secret anymore.

As for the troll above - yes, I ruined the holidays. I didn't have much choice, though, did I? My STBX had already signed lease on a new place and scheduled movers without telling me. I suppose I could have not told the kids and let them be surprised when they came home from school to have daddy gone with no explanation.

That's just the thing that people don't get. I didn't get it myself until it happened to me. Sometimes you don't have any choice at all. He decided he was done and checked out of the marriage before we even started therapy.

Wow, you could have really messed up his life by reporting this to his agency. Kudos to you for not and keeping at least that stable income for him to support your kids.

Ignore the troll. You did what you had to do and your kids will be better for it in the end despite the loss of married parents. His lies would have caught up to them regardless.

No...he's taking huge risks and possibly messing up his own life. OP would have just sped up the process that he put in motion by himself.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Update!

Things have been going very, very well. Boys are calming down, adjusting to the new normal. Still obvious adjustments, and blips in the road, like when we were on summer vacation at the beach, my 8 year old out of the blue (for me, probably not for him) turned to me when we were swimming in the ocean and said "Daddy doesn't even care if he's not here - he didn't even cry when he told us he's leaving our family." I guess that day when we told them about the divorce is permanently burned in his brain, and is really shaping how he views everything.

Anyway - I learned some new news yesterday. The OW's husband called me. First time I've ever spoken to him. Apparently she's moved out, admitted the affair in so far as she agreed to an at-fault divorce based on adultery, and he hopes to have the divorce finalized by October.

He mentioned the last point of contention with them is where to send their 3 kids to school - apparently he wants them to still go to his neighborhood school (where the kids have all their friends, where they've toured the school, have classmates, etc) in Del Ray. He said she's pushing to enroll them in a specific school in the new neighborhood she moved to in May . . . and when he said the name of the school my world, for the second time, freaking shattered.

SHE MOVED TO MY NEIGHBORHOOD. 2 blocks away from my house. SHE'S PUSHING TO ENROLL HER KIDS AT MY CHILDREN'S SCHOOL. They'd ride the same bus.

This is a small, small NoVa community. There is absolutely NO WAY this is a coincidence. She moved from Del Ray to my suburb in Fairfax County. Three blocks in the other direction, she'd be in a different (and equally good) school pyramid. 4 blocks in the other direction and she'd be in a 3rd (equally good) school pyramid. But she moved into this small, small subdivision that has very small elementary schools, and is pushing to enroll her children there.

My EX doesn't even live this close. Why didn't she just move closer to him?

I'm livid.

I'm over the affair, I'm fine with the divorce, I don't care if they get married and live happily ever after. What I don't want is them in MY neighborhood, at my community pool, in my face every day of the year. I don't want to have to worry when my kids go to the park, they'll see their daddy there playing with her 3 kids.

I am particularly mortified about the social/school fall-out for all 5 of the children. I'm tight with the moms in my neighborhood, and they all know my situation and have been so supportive. I told them who she was over a YEAR ago, because I never in my WILDEST DREAMS thought that woman would move into my neighborhood!!!! Now neighborhood gatherings are going to be awkward, birthday party invites strange, kids will be excluded (mine, hers, who knows?).

I don't understand why they can't just let me have my neighborhood community, let this be my sanctuary without all this drama.

Sigh. I don't know that I'm going to be able to handle this.

[Anonymous]

Does she know you live there? Is she still in a relationship with your ex?

[Anonymous]

OP here.

Yes and yes.

[Anonymous]

Wow. Just wow. OP, I am so sorry you are being faced with this crazy. All you can do is keep doing what you're doing - be honest, be strong, pay attention to yourself and your kids. I think everything else will catch up to OW. And keep using your friends for support - it's not going to be fun for you but let OW be the miserable one in your community; your friends will stand by you.

[Anonymous]

I have nothing to add except what a beyotch.

[Anonymous]

I'm so sorry, op. That's horrible. I hope her dh wins out and gets the kids to stay where they are. This sounds awful for everyone, especially the kids.

[Anonymous]

OP, it sounds like your husband wants all of his responsibilities in one place. I'm sorry.

[Anonymous]

whoa. That is....awful.

I am not sure you have any recourse, but her ex husband should do his damndest to keep the kids in their current school, for a variety of reasons.

is she just imagining some big happy family? like your kids and her kids will become best friends and everyone will get over it? insanity.

[Anonymous]

holy sh'it! Single white female much? Sounds like it's about you, she is very insecure and wants to recreate your life, except it's not a movie. Kids will be hurt, yours and theirs. She's unhinged.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm so sorry, op. That's horrible. I hope her dh wins out and gets the kids to stay where they are. This sounds awful for everyone, especially the kids.

I second that.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thanks people. I'm just having a freak-out moment about how awful, awful, awful this is for all the obvious reasons.

I told her husband my concerns about having the children all mixed together at the same elementary school - in the neighborhood where most of the other parents know who she is (she has a distinctive last name) and will know who her children are. He totally understands how that could be really harmful for his kids.

I don't know him well enough to know how much he'll fight her on this. He seems to care about how his children will be affected.

I'm just taking deep breaths, trying to be as calm as I can be. I'd honestly move away if I could, but that's also disruptive to the children to tear them away from their neighborhood home.

I want to plaster her door with a giant scarlet A. I want to confront her and gouge her eyes out. I want to find her in the grocery store and follow her around ringing a bell shouting "shame! shame! shame!"

I will do none of these things because I am not unhinged. But this it really, really testing my soul.

[Anonymous]

Wow! As the PP said, what a bitch! Could you mention something to your XDH? I'm sure you'll remain above the fray but he's got to know the community knows about her and they will both be judged. Just wow! What a psycho.

[Anonymous]

Do you think he thinks it will be better for his kids to have both parents nearby? Or do you think he wants more custody to reduce any payments? Or some of both)?