We are separating, telling kids on Saturday

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. No update. When I confronted my ex, all he said was "you are projecting influence i do not have over this situation. Why would I do anything to undermine our coparenting relationship?"

I took that as a rhetorical question. I put the fear of God in him.... he had been getting free after school care from my parents.... that's done. Now he has to pay. He doesn't like that at all. I'm also renegotiating our settlement, which hadn't been finalized. No promising to keep kids in this school pyramid.

So either he is lying (most likely) or she's some kind of psycho stalker. knowing him, he thinks they are going to move in and we will all be like sister wives with potlucks and shared children and some other fantasy Brady bunch crap. He's that thick.

I did tell him to at least warn her that the whole neighborhood knows about her, and that is probably going to hurt her social life here and also probably hurt her kids. I doubt he'll do it, though.

Good for you, OP. Wha pieces of shit they are - and incredibly stupid. Stay strong and keep us updated!.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. No update. When I confronted my ex, all he said was "you are projecting influence i do not have over this situation. Why would I do anything to undermine our coparenting relationship?"

I took that as a rhetorical question. I put the fear of God in him.... he had been getting free after school care from my parents.... that's done. Now he has to pay. He doesn't like that at all. I'm also renegotiating our settlement, which hadn't been finalized. No promising to keep kids in this school pyramid.

So either he is lying (most likely) or she's some kind of psycho stalker. knowing him, he thinks they are going to move in and we will all be like sister wives with potlucks and shared children and some other fantasy Brady bunch crap. He's that thick.

I did tell him to at least warn her that the whole neighborhood knows about her, and that is probably going to hurt her social life here and also probably hurt her kids. I doubt he'll do it, though.

Personally, I think he's telling the truth that he doesn't have any influence over her behavior. She certainly sounds like a psycho-stalker to me, and I would start documenting in writing. Did you express your concerns to your DH in writing? Keep a journal and document when you see her, and anytime she or her kids show up at activities of your kids. Ask your lawyer what kind of boundaries you can legally enforce. For example, you would be well within your rights to ask that the GF stay off your property if pickup is done at your house.

The most disturbing thing about this is that your STBXDH is choosing to stay with someone who is engaging in behavior that is very bad for his kids. He may not be able to control her behavior, but he can certainly control his own behavior if she doesn't back off. That he refuses to do this demonstrates that he is choosing his relationship with her over the well-being of his kids. I would state that to him very calmly, but in blunt terms. The issue you have isn't that he is not influencing her, it's that he is choosing someone that is bad for the kids. You recognize that the relationship is over, and at this point the issue (for both of you) is being careful that new people are invited into the kids life in a way that is healthy.

You can't control your STBX any more than he can control his new GF. But, you can control yourself and the life of your kids to the extent that your custody agreement allows that. It is natural that if he chooses to invite someone so demonstrably unstable into his life, that you will severely limit the exposure you and the kids have to him and this other woman. Yes, he may have custody for some portion of time, but I think you are well within your rights to make changes to the exposure you have with him -- no contact at exchange of kids, neutral place of exchange or exchange at school, no contact with new GF, no contact with new GF's kids, no involvement or support from your family to him for responsibilities that are his.

If you are still negotiating the separation, I would ask for a right of first refusal. We have ours set up so that each parent must offer time to the other parent if the kids are not in the care and custody of the parent or a biological relative (i.e. not a relative by marriage like a new wife). Our kids have to be with me or my parents or I must offer that time to my Ex. Similarly, our kids must be with my ex or his brother's family or my Ex must offer that time to me. My Ex cannot leave our kids in the care of his new wife for any length of time.

Right of first refusal may not be very enforceable, but merely having the discussion and putting it in writing gives you some negotiating leverage in the real world.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. No update. When I confronted my ex, all he said was "you are projecting influence i do not have over this situation. Why would I do anything to undermine our coparenting relationship?"

I took that as a rhetorical question. I put the fear of God in him.... he had been getting free after school care from my parents.... that's done. Now he has to pay. He doesn't like that at all. I'm also renegotiating our settlement, which hadn't been finalized. No promising to keep kids in this school pyramid.

So either he is lying (most likely) or she's some kind of psycho stalker. knowing him, he thinks they are going to move in and we will all be like sister wives with potlucks and shared children and some other fantasy Brady bunch crap. He's that thick.

I did tell him to at least warn her that the whole neighborhood knows about her, and that is probably going to hurt her social life here and also probably hurt her kids. I doubt he'll do it, though.

Personally, I think he's telling the truth that he doesn't have any influence over her behavior. She certainly sounds like a psycho-stalker to me, and I would start documenting in writing. Did you express your concerns to your DH in writing? Keep a journal and document when you see her, and anytime she or her kids show up at activities of your kids. Ask your lawyer what kind of boundaries you can legally enforce. For example, you would be well within your rights to ask that the GF stay off your property if pickup is done at your house.

The most disturbing thing about this is that your STBXDH is choosing to stay with someone who is engaging in behavior that is very bad for his kids. He may not be able to control her behavior, but he can certainly control his own behavior if she doesn't back off. That he refuses to do this demonstrates that he is choosing his relationship with her over the well-being of his kids. I would state that to him very calmly, but in blunt terms. The issue you have isn't that he is not influencing her, it's that he is choosing someone that is bad for the kids. You recognize that the relationship is over, and at this point the issue (for both of you) is being careful that new people are invited into the kids life in a way that is healthy.

You can't control your STBX any more than he can control his new GF. But, you can control yourself and the life of your kids to the extent that your custody agreement allows that. It is natural that if he chooses to invite someone so demonstrably unstable into his life, that you will severely limit the exposure you and the kids have to him and this other woman. Yes, he may have custody for some portion of time, but I think you are well within your rights to make changes to the exposure you have with him -- no contact at exchange of kids, neutral place of exchange or exchange at school, no contact with new GF, no contact with new GF's kids, no involvement or support from your family to him for responsibilities that are his.

If you are still negotiating the separation, I would ask for a right of first refusal. We have ours set up so that each parent must offer time to the other parent if the kids are not in the care and custody of the parent or a biological relative (i.e. not a relative by marriage like a new wife). Our kids have to be with me or my parents or I must offer that time to my Ex. Similarly, our kids must be with my ex or his brother's family or my Ex must offer that time to me. My Ex cannot leave our kids in the care of his new wife for any length of time.

Right of first refusal may not be very enforceable, but merely having the discussion and putting it in writing gives you some negotiating leverage in the real world.

Your kids can't be in the care of their own stepmother? Can you explain to me how that works, how it is enforceable/what kind of leverage it gives you (you admit yourself it's not) and how long you plan to track whether or not it's upheld? I am genuinely curious here.

[Anonymous]

How about an update, OP? Did the OW's kids start at your school?