We are separating, telling kids on Saturday

[Anonymous]

Do not tell your kids about his affair. My Mom told me about my Dad's affair (happened when I was 6-ish, I found out when I was 13-14). They stayed together, but it f-ed up my relationship to men. Changed how I dated and my ability to become truly intimate (not sexual) with a man. Took me YEARS of therapy to get over it.

DH is a horrible husband. Your kids do not need to know that-ever. They need to know he is a great Dad and will always be a great Dad.

[Anonymous]

Really? If another family was torn apart because that family's wife was in an affair with your husband, you wouldn't want to know? You'd rather just live on, blissfully unaware of what your DH did?

[Anonymous]

I went through this as a child twice. Parents separated when I was in first grade, reunited a year or so later and then divorced for good when I was in 9th (finally). Agree you should focus on the logistics and impact on the kids - and you need to have all that figured out because what separation means will be very confusing so it is good to have a way to explain it. E.g., separation means we think we'll be able to work better as parents if we live apart, but you'll be with daddy XYZ and me XYZ, holidays and birthdays, we'll XYZ. You also need to have a simple but solid and concrete answer for the "why" questions that is understandable for the kids' ages and won't lead to more questions. When I went through this in first grade, I vividly remember my dad talking about it matter of factly and my mom bawling. That really stuck with me and made me very upset at the time. The idea of what a separation was was beyond me, but I felt it was something very bad sense my mom was so upset. That's the only time I can remember seeing my mom cry. So everyone should try to keep it together if you can, it will make it easier for the kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don't tell the other woman's husband. It isn't your place. Their relationship is their relationship, and you play no part in it.

I don't get this line of thinking. She is about to go through legal hell and needs to form an alliance. It will be a lot easier with the other husband on her side. Also, it's just considerate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Really? If another family was torn apart because that family's wife was in an affair with your husband, you wouldn't want to know? You'd rather just live on, blissfully unaware of what your DH did?

There are some who are like this. They are mentally disturbed and will usually produce similar traits in their children. I would want to know, absolutely. Tell the husband.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks for the support. I appreciate it.

Re: the other woman . . . I do feel in my gut that it isn't over with them, and that it probably never was. How in the hell can I keep my sanity and my dignity when/if he tries to introduce my children to her?

When do you try to teach your children about how hurtful and wrong all of this is? OBVIOUSLY not now . . . but I don't want them growing up thinking their father's actions are ok, that marriage isn't a commitment, etc.

You don't. You don't do this. They are little kids. Don't burden them with your issues.

They will get older and ask questions and figure it out and come to their own conclusions.

Do not poison them against your DH. It will come back to bite you on the ass, so look at it from self-interest. And leaving that aside, it's just the wrong thing to do.

+1 As a child of divorce, whose father cheated on my mother and is now married to the woman he had the affair with:

- kids will figure things out for themselves
- kids will arrive at their own judgements and conclusions, not necessarily the same ones you WANT them to arrive at
- kids know when they are being manipulated/used
- kids' respect for their parent has much more to do with the way each parent conducts themselves and treats the child than how someone else tells them to feel about their parent.

Trust me on this one: the parent who acts with self-respect and dignity will be admired, the one who doesn't won't be.

[Anonymous]

I was a kid who knew my mom cheated and that's why they divorced. Nobody told me, I just overheard and noticed way too much and was precocious enough to figure it all out at 7/8/9. That being said, I knew it was wrong, and the pain I intuitively knew my dad felt made me sad... But I still loved my mom. Kids are like that. So even if your kids knew, and knew it was bad and hurt you, they would love him. It does no good to tell them or even to make sure they somehow find out. Either they will or won't one day but as long as they always see him being respectful toward you and he's a good dad, they will look past it and love him anyway. So don't focus on making sure they one day know.

[Anonymous]

Read "The Truth About Kids and Divorce"

Get a good therapist and good friends to deal with your pain.... remain amicable with your soon to be ex so you can continue to co-parent well.. that is the most important thing for the kids..

You and they will be ok in the long run but it will be hard for a couple of years.

[Anonymous]

I was a kid who knew my mom cheated and that's why they divorced. Nobody told me, I just overheard and noticed way too much and was precocious enough to figure it all out at 7/8/9. That being said, I knew it was wrong, and the pain I intuitively knew my dad felt made me sad... But I still loved my mom. Kids are like that. So even if your kids knew, and knew it was bad and hurt you, they would love him. It does no good to tell them or even to make sure they somehow find out. Either they will or won't one day but as long as they always see him being respectful toward you and he's a good dad, they will look past it and love him anyway. So don't focus on making sure they one day know.

OP here. THANK YOU for this. Thank you. It is this kind of advice that I need to help me keep my head on straight as I navigate this painful mess. I want them to love their father. I really do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Tip: tell them exactly how this will affect THEIR lives. Will you both still attend their birthday parties? What about Thanksgiving? Christmas? Will Dad still take them to soccer on Sundays?

That's what they'll care about - the logistics of how their lives will change.

+100

Their little universe will be shattered so you need to present something logical for them to keep normalcy and a plan in place. They cant think abstractly or what it means when mommy and daddy separate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Don't tell the other woman's husband. It isn't your place. Their relationship is their relationship, and you play no part in it.

When you're dealing with the fallout from a divorce and the impact on kids life you'll appreciate that thIs advice is just wrong !!

[Anonymous]

If you contact the husband he might just tell you he doesn't care about your problems. He knows his wife - does he know about the affair? I don't think it matters at this point if they are in therapy. Save face and don't call - take the high road.

[Anonymous]

http://m.huffpost.com/us/entry/5236603

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you contact the husband he might just tell you he doesn't care about your problems. He knows his wife - does he know about the affair? I don't think it matters at this point if they are in therapy. Save face and don't call - take the high road.

It's not the "high road" - it's Repressed and Embarassed WASP road where you internalize and stuff down but ooze drops of passive aggression at inopportune times.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks for the support. I appreciate it.

Re: the other woman . . . I do feel in my gut that it isn't over with them, and that it probably never was. How in the hell can I keep my sanity and my dignity when/if he tries to introduce my children to her?

When do you try to teach your children about how hurtful and wrong all of this is? OBVIOUSLY not now . . . but I don't want them growing up thinking their father's actions are ok, that marriage isn't a commitment, etc.

You don't. You don't do this. They are little kids. Don't burden them with your issues.

They will get older and ask questions and figure it out and come to their own conclusions.

Do not poison them against your DH. It will come back to bite you on the ass, so look at it from self-interest. And leaving that aside, it's just the wrong thing to do.

+1 As a child of divorce, whose father cheated on my mother and is now married to the woman he had the affair with:

- kids will figure things out for themselves
- kids will arrive at their own judgements and conclusions, not necessarily the same ones you WANT them to arrive at
- kids know when they are being manipulated/used
- kids' respect for their parent has much more to do with the way each parent conducts themselves and treats the child than how someone else tells them to feel about their parent.

Trust me on this one: the parent who acts with self-respect and dignity will be admired, the one who doesn't won't be.

+1000000