Lack of Sex starting to cause issues/fights
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Anonymous
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I see two major issues here.. Her huge insecurity and physical pain. Ignore the idiots OP. I've read pretty carefully.
It sounds like she wants you to demonstrate your desire for her in order to validate herself but actual sex is pretty impossible due to her pain and insecurity. But then she gets upset at YOU because you stop initiating. You mentioned she even cried during the attempt. I'm going to echo other PPs who have said she needs to get to a specialist to figure out the physical part. I think that's a huge problem because of course you won't desire sex when you know it's hurting her. And that lack of desire feeds back into the loop of her insecurity. So I would bring up the pain aspect and mention maybe looking into that. You mentioned she's making efforts toast losing weight so keep being supportive of that without making a big deal of it. I was itching to get back in shape afterwards and gained even more than she did - 60lbs. 30 lbs was gone by 3 weeks pp but it took a full year to get back to prepregnancy weight. |
Anonymous
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OP you seem like a decent guy who is trying to do the right thing.
Your wife is dealing with major insecurity. There were probably hints of this before kids, but now that she is overweight, and who knows what else is going on in her life (is she working?), it's flaring up badly. The fact that she is so concerned that you will have an affair says a lot to me. She needs time to heal from birth, get hormones going again to get her drive back, and work on getting in shape. You say you are okay with this but the fact that your wife is terrified you will cheat due to this means she is not getting that message. She needs to feel loved by you to feel secure in your relationship. I echo the recommendation to read up on the love languages and figure out how you can communicate your love to her better. Keep supporing her weight loss efforts in a positive way. I do think time will fix some of these issues, but you can act now to support her while she needs extra affirmation to feel secure. |
Anonymous
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OP, from one brother to another who has BTDT and has a good marriage on the other side to prove it......
Are you really ok with a lack of sex? Really? I wasn't. At all. But I also didn't want duty sex. (Note to women - there is a big difference between the pity fuck, lying there and being visibly annoyed at having sex, and duty sex where you are really happy to feel close to your husband and enjoy his pleasure even if its not what you want to be doing). Either way, you need to have a totally honest conversation with your wife. For me, sex is the glue of the marriage. No sex = feeling the marriage unraveling. But I didn't want the pity sex. So I was left in the same uncomfortable conversation where my wife would offer the pity and I would reject it and she would feel even worse. Honestly, there was no good solution. Some months were better than others. Others were long slogs. Yes, there was the cliche affair that was never discovered. But we endured, and we are doing great now. My best suggestion - set aside one day a week to have sex, whatever form that is. Then, the pressure is off both of you to have sex the other days. |
Anonymous
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Take intercourse off the table for a defined period of time and revisit it then (2 months, 4 months). Making it clear that PIV is not an option will take a lot of pressure off of her. Reinforce that you still do want her but think that for now this will be better for your relationship.
Instead suggest handjobs, blowjobs, titty fucking and even some dry humping (with lube)in the interim. Encourage her to take care of herself to get her body comfortable with being touched. When she becomes comfortable with this, build up to mutual masturbation. Sex does not equal intercourse, there are many ways to take care of each ofher that will ease some of her physiological and psychological burden. It sounds to me like you really do love her. Learn to appreciate her body for what it is now. When there is something that you really do like about her body, express your admiration. When we were dating my wife was exactly my type, very thin. I couldn't imagine being attracted to any other body type back then. After 4 kids and 15 years of marriage what turned me on in the beginning is not what turns me on now. My tastes have evolved as her body has changed. I love her and want her regardless of what her body type is, though I really do love the curves she has now. |
Anonymous
I think the point was you need to get the underlying issues out and fixed first. |
Anonymous
She's not. She is relieved, but the passive aggressive douchebaggery is making her think she might have to worry about a divorce lawyer, and THAT she does care about. |
Anonymous
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Your wife is smart to believe you aren't ok with no sex, because you aren't. Not a knock on you - most men aren't ok with no sex, just ask Ashley Madison.
You should reassure her you want to have sex with her and you want to focus on quality over quantity. |
Anonymous
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OP,
Your fat wife doesn't want sex, so give her the gift of celibacy which is exactly what she wants. I can recommend some good massage parlors to take care of your normal and legitimate sexual needs. |
Anonymous
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I know the answer. The problem here is this:
OP is not attracted to his wife and doesn't really want to have sex with her, but I am sure he still has a normal sex drive. So he is taking care of himself. But his wife will, on occasion, indicate she would like him to make a move. Problem is he likely took a round out recently and, combined with her body and lack of enthusiasm, he can't get into it so even if he decides to placate her, he has ED. Which makes the infrequent sex even more awkward and further emasculates him. Imagine how he feels in the moment - lonely and emasculated with a wife who he isn't particularly attracted to. Now imagine how she feels - she knows she is heavy and can sense her husband's lack of attraction. And her husband isn't really trying to pursue her (why should he, he will be rejected or she will starfish). And when he does kinda sorta give it a shot, he can't perform, understandably. I don't blame her for suspecting an affair. This is a toxic cycle that has to get aired out through difficult conversations. My advice is they need to schedule one night a week for sex. They both can get in the mood. If sex is too painful, she can do other things, and when she does them, she needs to show some enthusiasm. On the non-sex days, he needs to make her feel attractive and still show affection. They are only 8 months post-partum, still somewhat early. But they need to keep the sexual connection alive. Marriages without sex will not survive. |
Anonymous
This is an old post, so may have been addressed already. I have a 7yo, and after I gave birth I was also cleared for sex at like 6weeks. It was PAINFUL. Horrible. I was in constant pain (not just from sex). It turned out that I had some really bad scar tissue that was preventing me from healing (lube would not have touched this pain, it was searing). I think your wife needs to go back to the Dr, or maybe see a different one, and tell them what kind of pain she's in. Also, is post partum depression a possibility? Could you encourage her to get screened? look up the symptoms and see if any of them seem to match, and then maybe help her get to a Dr and ask that she get screened. PPD is serious and does need to be treated. Getting her pain resolved could also help. I don't know what kind of birth she had, but if she tore or had any injuries from it, the healing process can take a long time. I wasn't pain free for nearly 6 months. It was horrible. |
Anonymous
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OP here, and just want to say thank you to all the late posting folks here who seem to get the issue and also had some great suggestions.
Because there seems to be sooo much debate about whether or not I'm "ok without sex" - let me clarify: I am a pretty sexual and even slightly kinky person with a colorful history. No, I am not OK with a lifetime of that. I am OK with 18-24 months of it. Yes, my DW does know that I'm a much more sexual person than she ever was or likely will be. I think the posters who suggest that she doesn't believe me when I tell her it's OK and that there's no cheating are probably right. I will look into the "love languages" thing. While the dynamic isn't quite as harsh as the poster @5:16 puts it, that's not too terribly far off the mark. Sadly, the issue isn't just a too-recent-release...I've tried a period of no-fap to address this with no real benefit. As another poster suggested, this isn't the only source of stress she's facing - she does work, but is facing some career challenges right now. I don't really want to give more details because we might actually become recognizable to someone. Anyway...I do appreciate the constructive criticism and feedback. |
Anonymous
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OP, I think you have been understanding with her and it's great you're going to continue to be. However, and I say this as a wife, you need to draw a hard line in the sand with her on two things:
1. Accusations of cheating. It's not acceptable. You need to be firm with her that you are not, have no plans to, and you won't tolerate her continuing to push it and bring it up in random conversations. It is really, REALLY unfair to you to do that. 2. If sex is truly still painful, she needs to go see her doctor about it. If she sustained some injury or trauma in birth, that needs to be taken care of. If she just doesn't want to have sex, she needs to own that, but if she's seriously using the "it physically hurts" card, that's a medical issue that she needs to get looked at. |
Anonymous
OP again. So, what do they say? "This isn't my first Rodeo". I have dealt with (and foolishly accepted and internalized) a fair bit of "suspicious minds" in previous relationships. My MO has become - and this may in fact be contributing to DW's current insecurities - "I've not nothing to hide or be ashamed of and I'm not going to respond to or engage spurious random suspicions". I just kind of ignore it, and keep right on doing things. I have, to cite a recent example much discussed on DCUM, a divorced female friend, who I had lunches with before I met my wife, back when I was single (and the friend and I were dating other people); this is one of those reconnect on FB friends from elementary school. I have never stopped doing that - it's not frequent - every 2-3 months (it's been 5 since we last met) - because I was doing it before I met and started dating my wife. I wouldn't have started dating my wife if I were involved with this other woman, and I told her about my lunches with this friend, and that was my wife's opportunity to not be involved with me, if she thought such relationships were somehow inappropriate. While we have a new child and so spend much more time together as a family, I make a point of doing things - activities I enjoy that I know DW does not enjoy - independently of DW with friends of mine, and I encourage and support DW doing the same with her friends. There hasn't been a long pattern of DW making remarks but she's mentioned it enough that I know she's worried about it (cheating), and so far I've deflected/defused either by making a joke (just embracing her suspicion and validating it as parody/spoof) or laughing it off. I also talk about her many opportunities to cheat, and make the same kinds of accusations - jokingly. Humor can only go so far but it's a good way to lance a boil...or pop a zit. I've dealt with both the accuse-you-of-cheating-cheater (somehow my jealousy/spidey-sense is really really weak in this regard - because it's happened to me 2x and I only realized what was going on after the breakup) and the insane-insecure-jealousy-monster (no cheating) variety as well. DW isn't really the latter, though there are tendencies. Ordinarily, I think the right way to handle this kind of negative emotional energy is to kind of use Judo and redirect it back onto the person putting it out (eg, "That's right..I can slip out of work to bang so and so any time"); in this case, given the circumstances, that seems cruel.
So, this is tricky because like I said: 4x ~18 months? 3x after the PP "all clear". I suppose the next time we try, if the pain issue is obvious again, then I'll push hard on this question. I actually kind of wonder how much is anxiety-induced vaginismus. |
Anonymous
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OMG OP. GET THERAPY. Your inability to address and work on issues in a straightforward manner is clear. You need to be talking with your wife, not engaging in "judo" or trying to deflect "negative energy". My guess is that you have during your whole relationship subtly (or not-so-subtly) typecast yourself as "very sexual" and your wife as "less sexual" and made her feel judged for it. You can hardly blame her for now freaking out when A) she legitimately cannot enjoy sex due to pain and other post-partum issues and B) you are admitttedly not attracted to her and C) you are playing some weird mind game where you claim to be OK with no sex, when you really are not, and yet judge her attempts at sex as lacking.
THERAPY. |
Anonymous
Wait, you don't brush your teeth and have poor hygiene? Or was that hypothetical? If it's for real, that is nasty. |