Lack of Sex starting to cause issues/fights

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So she is saying that sex is physically painful for her, 8 months after having a baby? Has she spoken to a doctor about that? FWIW the less sex you have the more painful it is, but I realize that doesn't help you.

She does not say so, but the wincing and tears (not kidding) say so. She has seen the doctor and is all checked out and supposedly good to go.

Anonymous wrote:This post is a little confusing though. So you don't feel disconnected from her (emotionally, physically, whatever?) Do you or do you not want to have sex with her to improve the relationship? Or you just want sex for its own sake?

I don't feel particularly disconnected emotionally.

I would like to have sex, but I'm really not attracted on a purely physical/visual basis; perhaps in that sense I am disconnected physically.

Because the dynamic right now puts the burden of bringing all the arousal and passion on me, not being particularly attracted is a real problem, even though I would like to have sex both for it's own sake and to improve the relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your problem is she doesn't seem to want sex, but gets upset that you're not having it, right?

OP here:

EXACTLY

Have you told her this in these exact words, or are you worried about what happens if you do?

I have not; that might be a place to start. I am not afraid to tell her that part, but I am very leery of telling her that I'm not physically attracted. I honestly think she knows that already and that is already the part of the "painted ourselves into a corner" feed-back loop.

[Anonymous]

Okay, so your wife is uninterested in sex aside from the validation it provides for her. Just tell her what you've told us -- that you DO want to have sex with her, but don't feel like she is very interested or into it, and you are unsure how to handle that. Tell her you need her to be into it as well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your problem is she doesn't seem to want sex, but gets upset that you're not having it, right?

OP here:

EXACTLY

Have you told her this in these exact words, or are you worried about what happens if you do?

I have not; that might be a place to start. I am not afraid to tell her that part, but I am very leery of telling her that I'm not physically attracted. I honestly think she knows that already and that is already the part of the "painted ourselves into a corner" feed-back loop.

Instead of saying you're not physically attracted to her, can you say her behavior isn't attractive? And try some lube for the pain.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your problem is she doesn't seem to want sex, but gets upset that you're not having it, right?

OP here:

EXACTLY

Have you told her this in these exact words, or are you worried about what happens if you do?

I have not; that might be a place to start. I am not afraid to tell her that part, but I am very leery of telling her that I'm not physically attracted. I honestly think she knows that already and that is already the part of the "painted ourselves into a corner" feed-back loop.

Instead of saying you're not physically attracted to her, can you say her behavior isn't attractive? And try some lube for the pain.

I wouldn't say anything about her isn't attractive. I think we can assume she knows 50 extra pounds and crying during sex isn't exactly hot. I would talk to her about how it affects you emotionally - just like, "look I don't know what to do here - can we get on the same page and try to figure some stuff out?"

[Anonymous]

This is sooooo going to end up in explicit.

OP, it sounds like your wife is very repressed sexually. I get that. A lot of people (not just women) are. My husband is insecure about his weight and it is all I can do to get him to have sex without wearing a shirt. Even then, he puts shirt and boxers back on pretty much immediately afterward. I have learned that this is just something I will have to live with, because until he loses 40-50 pounds (his numbers, not mine), he will not feel secure naked.

The pain issue, though, I think is different. If she is physically fine, then you are looking at a combination of psychological and technique problems. Are you guys using enough lube? Very important. If she is psychologically closing down, that's going to have real effects on the physical side of things.

I would say that you should talk to her about these things, but it sounds like your wife is in a position where she cannot have this conversation without getting upset. Is she depressed? It sounds like she is depressed.

[Anonymous]

Maybe you guys need to just take the pressure off right now and have affection and intimacy but not worry about intercourse.

I recommend you slowly try to be more physically affectionate in ways don't necessarily lead to sex. Kiss her randomly in the kitchen. Touch her arm or back more when you guys are talking. Cuddle her on the couch and put your arm around her but don't try to advance it.

[Anonymous]

OP, you're going to get crucified for this post. I hope you stick around for the advice you'll get in between but they're going to ream you for this because you're going to make a lot of women uncomfortable by reading this.

First of all, it's easy for us to sit here and say "Wow she sounds terrible- a husband who is understanding and does laundry and meals and childcare and all she does is bitch." However, that doesn't do you any good, and I'm sure there are positive attributes as well so putting that aside, let me help shed some light on what's going on here.

Your wife is having an identity crisis. I've been thinking a lot lately about how women fundamentally change after their kids are born. I would say for myself, it was not until I had been a parent for probably 4, 5 years that it felt like my natural persona and not just a new facet of myself I was trying to squeeze into my own personality. Does this make sense? It is a HUGE shift and I find that even for the women who enjoy motherhood, it can take a couple years for everything to shake out and feel natural and normal and not like they are role playing at something that still feels a bit foreign and unknown to them. At 8 months PP, your wife is right there in it still. I loved being a mom (still do) but it took me those 4/5 years to reach an equilibrium of feeling like I was a mom AND a wife AND a person with my own hopes and dreams and goals and foibles and strengths and it didn't all have to be one or the other, I could be all of them equally all at once. When I reached that point, I recovered a lot of "myself"- ambition, new goals, the ability to go after them and foster new interests. Yes, my marriage got better.

Her weight is probably a huge deal for her as well. On top of all the other identity stuff she's got going on, she's got a body that is unfamiliar to her and is depressing. It doesn't help that she no longer feels like herself, she doesn't even look like herself now. Losing weight will be great for her mentally because if she resembles her old self, the other stuff will start falling into place as well.

This is just so you can see what's going on inside her head right now. I know she's annoying and a pain in the ass and difficult but she can't help that. She's not trying to be those things, it's all a very complicated process in "finding herself" again, to borrow a very trite phrase. Here's what you need to do:

Encourage her to get back to herself. Tell her she has to be able to take care of herself to be a happy member of the family.

Get a therapist so you can safely vent, because you do have the right to do so and it won't be healthy for you not to.

Tell her that you're not mad about the sex, but that you can see it's creating distance between you two so ask can you work together to foster connection in another way until she feels more physically/mentally capable of having sex.

Let her know you know this is temporary and you will be right there waiting when she feels like herself again.

[Anonymous]

Her hormones are probably all crazy & out of whack. I was so emotional when I had a young baby. i think a lot of women are. I also thought my husband was having an affair, which is hilarious because he was not at all.

Take is easy on each other. Be patient. Sex after baby can be awkward. Even 8 mo+.

I would just keep assuring her, make her feel good, exercise together on the weekends. Eat well, enjoy your baby. Love her no matter what, she is your wife!

[Anonymous]

OP, I do think this is not that unusual. You still have a very young baby in the house, and your wife is clearly struggling with post partum issues.

I would make an agreement that you are NOT going to have sex for say, a month. Lay in bed. Kiss. Hold each other. Give massages. Get turned on. Get her turned on. But under NO circumstances are you allowed to have sex (oral or PIV). It takes all the pressure off. No one has to see or be seen naked. All you are going to get is closeness, intimacy, and desire. In a month, she'll be the one attacking you.

[Anonymous]

If you were a woman, the whole DCUM crowd would already have chimed in telling you that you owe it to yourself to have an affair.

With a neighbor... who might be your soul mate!

[Anonymous]

OP, I agree that this is not unusual. The year of having a baby is a really tough time for a couple. It is very hard to get used to a postpartum body. You sound like a really nice person.

Having said that, it sounds like your wife has two things going on that need to be addressed:

1) Pelvic floor dysfunction or a prolapse. A lot of doctors miss this diagnosis, so if she just went to a regular OB/Gyn or a general practitioner, they might not have been able to correctly diagnose it. She should see a pelvic pain specialist. You could try the pelvic clinic at GW. I also recommend Fran the physical therapist. http://dynamiccorewellness.com/meet-frances

2) Post-partum depression and/or anxiety. I had this and it was really tough. The paranoid idea about you having an affair points to anxiety. If she will consider the possibility, she could try therapy or a small dose of a med. If not, I recommend acupuncture. It did wonders for my anxiety and overall health.

It sounds like she (and you) feel disconnected from each other. Have you thought about playing cards together before bed? My DH and I do that sometimes. It's a nice way to spend time together without the pressure of a conversation or an official date.

[Anonymous]

OP, definitely talk to your wife about how you can help her feel better. I think it is wise to not mention her weight unless she does and then be supportive of how you can help her achieve her goals. Also, sounds like she could be exhibiting signs of depressive (the mood swings, crying out of the blue, anger, low self worth and lack of interest in sex). If it continues you may want to take her to see a counselor for evaluation if she is willing and or couples therapy to be able to express your feelings without fighting. Best wishes to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you were a woman, the whole DCUM crowd would already have chimed in telling you that you owe it to yourself to have an affair.

With a neighbor... who might be your soul mate!

[Anonymous]

Hey OP - Man here, was in a very similar situation. My wife was also very low libido, never wanted to have sex, but also got suspicious if I stopped trying to initiate. So I get it, completely, and I also get the fact that you would rather not attempt sex if that advance will be rejected or met with the starfish routine.

What helped was for me to focus on me and not on her. I made extra efforts to go to the gym. It helped burn off the stress and sexual frustration, but it also helped me feel better about myself to heal the sting of rejection. I also tried to keep somewhat busy in the evenings after the kids went to bed - either joining a sports league, or going to client events, etc. Nothing worse than sitting on the couch next to your wife when you could be having sex but she doesn't want to.

We also had a few of the conversations. Yes, the ones where I stated I was unhappy, and she stated she felt like a failure of a wife. I don't know that those conversations helped our sex life, but they helped air out our feelings and also set expectations. The one big difference between my wife and yours - my wife would offer to let me have sex with her, "but don't expect me to be into it." I eventually accepted this was her way of trying to meet me in the middle, and sometimes accepting her offer of a one-sided quickie helped both of us feel connected.

Also, and here I will join you in the fire - I had a couple of short term affairs. One almost blew up. If you succumb to the temptation, make sure you don't affair with someone who is likely to blow up your world. Because.....

It can and usually does get better. For us, it got better when the youngest hit school full time. Still not great but way way better, we have sex now on a normal frequency, she is into it, and she is her old, flirtatious, playful self again. Our marriage is going great.

TL;DR - hang in there, and do what you need to do to stay sane and be a good dad and husband. This too shall pass.