Lack of Sex starting to cause issues/fights
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Anonymous
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DH here; married 2.5 years, 8 month old baby. I don't want this to get explicit. Main problem is our sex life is dead. Here are a few relevant points:
- small child - we both work full time - physical passion/sex life was never off the charts - DW has substantial weight gain since pregnancy - our few attempts have been complete failures. I feel like we've painted ourselves into a corner with this. DW doesn't feel attractive and wants/needs some reassurance that I still find her attractive - not because she wants sex, but because she sees my lust for her as validation that I'm attracted. The truth is, I'm not really attracted right now, and it's 100% on me to bring the lust/excitement. She's not a starfish, but she does want to just lay back, hopefully in a very dark room, with the lights off, and covers completely covering her body (about which she is completely inhibited) and for me to just show up and want to have sex, even if - as in our failed attempts - she's clearly uncomfortable - either emotionally or physically (or both) and somehow be satisfied. Honestly, the last time I tried to do the whole fantasy thing, and when she started crying (pain) I just completely lost any arousal and stopped dead in my tracks. She is upset and feels rejected. She's picking fights about unrelated things and is upset about them. She is starting to make comments about how I must be having an affair. We've probably had (attempted anyway) sex 4x since we conceived. I'm not having an affair, and I really don't want my wife to feel unloved and rejected. I do love her very much. I do want her to feel that I love and treasure her. I also just can't handle the weight gain. It's just flat out too much. She is finally dieting, and there is an element of honesty now - finally - about the eating habits of the past 16 months that led to 50lbs of weight gain). It is going to take a while, and I'm OK with that. I don't want to talk about "how I wish we could adopt a healthy lifestyle" or any of that crap and I don't want to hear about childcare and cooking healthy meals - I do all that, already. I'm already working my ass off coming up with creative ways to stay inside the "weight watcher" point counts on the meals I cook, and I already shoulder the bulk of the childcare, and laundry, yadda yadda. Those are not the problem. Despite the weight gain and lack of visual attraction, I could get excited about having some really enthusiastic sex with my wife if I felt like she was remotely enjoying it. But she is so unhappy with her looks and body..it's like she'd be happier wearing a burqua with a hole cut in it. I don't want to sound creepy, but I could kind of fetishize her baby belly, but she doesn't even seem to like me touching her butt and boobs, and pushes me away when I do, or when I try to go down on her. What is a problem, with the kiddo, is that we get like two windows (time) a week during which to have sex. DW hates morning sex. I am not really interested anymore at 10:30 at night, after dinner, drinks, etc. So, we get like a nap window on Saturday and Sunday. I understand this is what children do to your relationship; I know what I signed up for. I don't need any lectures about this, because personally, I'm OK with us not having sex right now and I'm not bitching about how my wife doesn't want sexy time. I bolded this because of all the idiots who can't read and will just immediately tell me I should accept no sex, and I should do more chores. Let me bold this part too: I do understand what she put her body through; I don't expect her to snap back to normal overnight. I know it's pretty early on; I know a lot of women don't feel ready to enjoy sex for well over a year post-partum. I am OK with this and I'm not the one pushing to start having sex. I'm considering going back to see my old therapist for advice, but figured I'd give a shot and see if any of the more mature and thoughtful people on DCUM had some suggestions. I feel pretty much reduced to "play fantasies in my head to get aroused and then use her body to masturbate". I really cannot express how much of a libido (and soul) crusher the lack of desire on her part is...no attempt whatever to touch me. This feels pretty much like being forced to engage in Duty Sex that I don't actually want. Yes, we've actually had a conversation about that; I told her it makes me feel rapey. |
Anonymous
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OP, I get it. I have two kids 2 and 4 and also gained a lot of weight during pregnancy. I'm now in good shape but it took me deciding enough was enough. My husband and I DID have regular (1-2x a week sex starting a few months postpartum with each kid).
You're wrong that this is what having kids does to your relationship. I'm sure my DH would be shocked at me saying this since he says I never initiate sex - but it's really important in a relationship. I'm not saying 3x a day - I'm saying taking time to reconnect physically. Not everyone who has young kids never has sex. That's just not true. Have you openly told her how you feel, leaving the weight out of it? Telling her that it's affecting your relationship, you feel rejected and disconnected, etc? I know if my husband said that to me, whether or not I was self conscious about my body, I'd make an effort to change things. We usually have sex right after the kids go to bed (about 8pm) because of the reasons you've said. If someone is self conscious about their body, daytime sex may not be ideal.. |
Anonymous
| No advice but just want to say I hope you can figure it out and that you're not alone. My DH gained a lot of weight quickly due to a serious health issue and hasn't been able to lose it. We're struggling with similar issues where he feels awful about his body and doesn't want sex but also hates that we're not having sex (I'm still attracted to him but he feels so self-conscious about his body now). It's really tough and I haven't had much luck finding information in how to support a spouse when they are the ones that don't want the sex due to their confidence issues but also don't want to not be having sex. |
Anonymous
My DH has gained weight, and I don't find it attractive. He has cut back some, but I think he needs to probably exercise *a lot* to get rid of the beer belly. I have stretched out skin from my pregnancies that no amount of exercise is going to get rid of. I have that horrible mother's apron. I don't find that attractive, either, so it does make me feel self conscious, and totally not sexy. I just don't feel turned on either way. No answers. |
Anonymous
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If I understand ....you both want to get back to your sex life. However your wife is so bothered by her body that when you try to have sex it feels to you as if you are forcing yourself on your wife. But if you just leave it be she thinks you are getting it elsewhere.
I think you need a session or two of couples counseling. |
Anonymous
| A couple drinks make me forget that I'm fat with horrible stretch marks and I get into a frisky mood. |
Anonymous
I agree. He's putting his honest thoughts out there on this forum. He doesn't expect his wife to be in super model shape, but 50 pounds is a lot of weight. It sounds like he is trying to support her efforts. He's looking for advice on how to make things better. OP, I don't have the answer, but I do know this is very complicated. She's ashamed of her body and assumes/knows you aren't as attractive. But here's the thing, even if it didn't bother you and you were equally attracted to her, she would still have her hang-ups about it. You cannot fix her body self image for her. That is all on her. Continue to support her with cooking healthy meals. Working out is great, but diet is so much more important. You're in a vicious circle where she feels bad about her body, doesn't want sex/isn't comfortable with it, and in turn feels rejected sexually. Talk to her, tell her how you feel (without mentioning the weight, that won't do any good and she already knows). Tell her how you feel (for example if you feel rejected and lonely, tell her that). And try connecting with her as soon as the kids are in bed. Don't wait until bed time, you're both too tired by then. Have a glass of wine after the kids go to bed, sit on the couch and give her your full attention, connect through conversation, try to get emotionally intimate. |
Anonymous
| Your problem is she doesn't seem to want sex, but gets upset that you're not having it, right? |
Anonymous
| Try getting her to workout, maybe the two of you can do it together. Not at the same time, since you both work, but do it together as in both make exercise and diet a priority in your lifestyle. Its not easy but that might be the spark she needs to start feeling sexy again. |
Anonymous
OP here...
Yeah, see, we're not. We tried, starting like 10 weeks PP? Right after she got an IUD and the OB signed off on it. It was immediately obvious it was extremely physically uncomfortable.
Right, so, maybe I wasn't clear in my first post: I don't feel rejected and disconnected. My wife feels rejected and disconnected. I'm OK. My wife wants me to be a horndog and ravish her even though by all outward appearances she doesn't want to or enjoy having sex. I have left the weight out of it and it would take a lot to convince me that bringing it up would do more good than harm. |
Anonymous
OP here: EXACTLY |
Anonymous
So she is saying that sex is physically painful for her, 8 months after having a baby? Has she spoken to a doctor about that? FWIW the less sex you have the more painful it is, but I realize that doesn't help you. This post is a little confusing though. So you don't feel disconnected from her (emotionally, physically, whatever?) Do you or do you not want to have sex with her to improve the relationship? Or you just want sex for its own sake? |
Anonymous
Have you told her this in these exact words, or are you worried about what happens if you do? |
Anonymous
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DH, hang in there. It sounds to me like you are doing all the right things. We have four kids. I was not too interested in sex for several months after each was born, both because I was exhausted from nursing and sleep was too precious, and because I was carrying extra weight that I did not feel good about. My DH - who is an absolutely great guy - understood, and cut me a lot of slack for those months (like, no sex at all). In each case, after the baby was sleeping more and I dropped most of the weight, things returned to normal. Fast forward 10 years, and a slower metabolism, and I gained a lot of weight - like 40 pounds. I hated how I looked, basically dressed to try and hide the weight (which was impossible), and was again totally uninterested in sex because I felt terrible about myself. It had nothing to do with my husband, but he bore the consequences. He never said he was no longer attracted, although I'm sure he had to have been, but he definitely still wanted to have sex. I just had no interest. I finally took control of the situation, exercised some self-discipline and started to lose the weight. Within a few weeks, I felt better about myself and became more interested in sex again. The more weight I lost, the better I felt about myself and the better our sex life became.
It sounds like your wife might have had the blues, and maybe more, after giving birth - so in addition to the baby weight, was adding on more. It also sounds like things are now heading in a better direction for her, and I suspect you will reap the benefits of that soon, too. Give it some time, and I hope it all works out. |
Anonymous
Because she wants to, she just can't physically (and maybe even emotionally) get there, and she doesn't know what to do either. She's also frustrated and has low self esteem. I have no answers for you. Maybe it would help if you took the lead and went for walks, hikes, bike rides with her and your baby. Hard to do now since it's winter. |