Lack of Sex starting to cause issues/fights

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wait, you don't brush your teeth and have poor hygiene? Or was that hypothetical? If it's for real, that is nasty.

Your snark/sarcasm meter isn't working. "I say, I say, I say...it's a joke son...a joke!" (Foghorn Leghorn).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OMG OP. GET THERAPY. Your inability to address and work on issues in a straightforward manner is clear. You need to be talking with your wife, not engaging in "judo" or trying to deflect "negative energy". My guess is that you have during your whole relationship subtly (or not-so-subtly) typecast yourself as "very sexual" and your wife as "less sexual" and made her feel judged for it. You can hardly blame her for now freaking out when A) she legitimately cannot enjoy sex due to pain and other post-partum issues and B) you are admitttedly not attracted to her and C) you are playing some weird mind game where you claim to be OK with no sex, when you really are not, and yet judge her attempts at sex as lacking.

THERAPY.

Do you even hear yourself?

You remind me of a good friend of mine's ex-wife. She said (to him), "What's wrong with you? You need to compromise, and do things my way!!?!" This was after she insisted on couple's therapy because of his insistence on real compromise, and two different counselors backing him up - she didn't get the answer she wanted from them either.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OMG OP. GET THERAPY. Your inability to address and work on issues in a straightforward manner is clear. You need to be talking with your wife, not engaging in "judo" or trying to deflect "negative energy". My guess is that you have during your whole relationship subtly (or not-so-subtly) typecast yourself as "very sexual" and your wife as "less sexual" and made her feel judged for it. You can hardly blame her for now freaking out when A) she legitimately cannot enjoy sex due to pain and other post-partum issues and B) you are admitttedly not attracted to her and C) you are playing some weird mind game where you claim to be OK with no sex, when you really are not, and yet judge her attempts at sex as lacking.

THERAPY.

Do you even hear yourself?

You remind me of a good friend of mine's ex-wife. She said (to him), "What's wrong with you? You need to compromise, and do things my way!!?!" This was after she insisted on couple's therapy because of his insistence on real compromise, and two different counselors backing him up - she didn't get the answer she wanted from them either.

what

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here, and just want to say thank you to all the late posting folks here who seem to get the issue and also had some great suggestions.

Because there seems to be sooo much debate about whether or not I'm "ok without sex" - let me clarify: I am a pretty sexual and even slightly kinky person with a colorful history. No, I am not OK with a lifetime of that. I am OK with 18-24 months of it. Yes, my DW does know that I'm a much more sexual person than she ever was or likely will be.

I think the posters who suggest that she doesn't believe me when I tell her it's OK and that there's no cheating are probably right. I will look into the "love languages" thing.

While the dynamic isn't quite as harsh as the poster @5:16 puts it, that's not too terribly far off the mark. Sadly, the issue isn't just a too-recent-release...I've tried a period of no-fap to address this with no real benefit.

As another poster suggested, this isn't the only source of stress she's facing - she does work, but is facing some career challenges right now.

I don't really want to give more details because we might actually become recognizable to someone.

Anyway...I do appreciate the constructive criticism and feedback.

I am your 5:16 poster - some suggestions on the transient ED and how to get things going again (BTDT): Scheduling sex is also good for men because it lets you rev your engine. Just as women need time to get in the mood (think how they say choreplay and let your wife have a bath with wine and an erotic novel). So do men, under some circumstances, especially when they aren't particularly attracted to their wives (do to wife's physical appearance, or her lack of enthusiasm). So if you pick Saturday night, you can also pick times early in the morning to fantasize, or later to watch porn on your phone or do whatever you need to do to get revved up. Then, bring that level of "OMG I am going to burst if I can't have sex now" to the bedroom. That is how your wife wants to see you, it will make her feel better, she is more likely to respond, creating a positive feedback loop.

Also, cardio. Getting the blood circulating helped achieve better and more reliable erections. But your problem is more psychological than physical, I assume.

Finally, and this worked with my wife's libido - a little bit of her jealousy can get her competitive juices going. Let her see you as desirable to others. Shrug it off if she isn't in the mood - her loss. Then make sure you bring your A game when you bring it and stop checking in with her if she is enjoying herself. She is enjoying giving you pleasure.

Good luck, and if you do end up straying, don't do it with someone at your work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OMG OP. GET THERAPY. Your inability to address and work on issues in a straightforward manner is clear. You need to be talking with your wife, not engaging in "judo" or trying to deflect "negative energy". My guess is that you have during your whole relationship subtly (or not-so-subtly) typecast yourself as "very sexual" and your wife as "less sexual" and made her feel judged for it. You can hardly blame her for now freaking out when A) she legitimately cannot enjoy sex due to pain and other post-partum issues and B) you are admitttedly not attracted to her and C) you are playing some weird mind game where you claim to be OK with no sex, when you really are not, and yet judge her attempts at sex as lacking.

THERAPY.

Please. The guy doesn't need therapy. He needs to find a way to have a satisfying sex life with his spouse. Talking to a shrink isn't going to cure his wife's physical pain on PIV or his legit frustration over her see-sawing availability for sex. Plus, this is all very normal for first time parents - his wondering what happened to his wife, her wondering what happened to my body and will my husband leave me for his secretary if I don't sexually satisfy him.

OP seems very aware of the problem, no easy solutions except talk, talk, talk with your wife and keep whatever sex life you can manage alive so the spark is still there when the kids hit school age.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Scheduling sex is also good for men because it lets you rev your engine. Just as women need time to get in the mood (think how they say choreplay and let your wife have a bath with wine and an erotic novel). So do men, under some circumstances, especially when they aren't particularly attracted to their wives (do to wife's physical appearance, or her lack of enthusiasm). So if you pick Saturday night, you can also pick times early in the morning to fantasize, or later to watch porn on your phone or do whatever you need to do to get revved up. Then, bring that level of "OMG I am going to burst if I can't have sex now" to the bedroom. That is how your wife wants to see you, it will make her feel better, she is more likely to respond, creating a positive feedback loop.

Good advice.

Anonymous wrote:Also, cardio. Getting the blood circulating helped achieve better and more reliable erections. But your problem is more psychological than physical, I assume.

I'm a serious distance runner (>35miles/w). This is not a physiological problem.

Anonymous wrote:Finally, and this worked with my wife's libido - a little bit of her jealousy can get her competitive juices going. Let her see you as desirable to others. Shrug it off if she isn't in the mood - her loss. Then make sure you bring your A game when you bring it and stop checking in with her if she is enjoying herself. She is enjoying giving you pleasure.

A little PUA/MRA but I think there is some real truth in this. I'll keep it in mind.

Anonymous wrote:Good luck, and if you do end up straying, don't do it with someone at your work.

Heh...well...good advice if I were going there. I'm never going there. I'd ask for a hall pass or open marriage and take my chances on her asking for a divorce as a result first. I get that people have "stay sane and married" solutions and I do not judge them, but - weirdly - the wandering eye has even decreased since the baby came.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Lack of sex starting to cause issues/fights?

More like too many unattractive, bad habits to want to have sex w/you.

#1
Poor wife, she finally has the child she wants but stuck with this problem. He has 2 hands and should leave her alone.

+2.

I find the lack of self awareness on his part particularly amusing.

He certainly didn't major in psychology did he....

It makes you realize why his wife doesn't want sex! Wow!

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OMG OP. GET THERAPY. Your inability to address and work on issues in a straightforward manner is clear. You need to be talking with your wife, not engaging in "judo" or trying to deflect "negative energy". My guess is that you have during your whole relationship subtly (or not-so-subtly) typecast yourself as "very sexual" and your wife as "less sexual" and made her feel judged for it. You can hardly blame her for now freaking out when A) she legitimately cannot enjoy sex due to pain and other post-partum issues and B) you are admitttedly not attracted to her and C) you are playing some weird mind game where you claim to be OK with no sex, when you really are not, and yet judge her attempts at sex as lacking.

THERAPY.

Please. The guy doesn't need therapy. He needs to find a way to have a satisfying sex life with his spouse. Talking to a shrink isn't going to cure his wife's physical pain on PIV or his legit frustration over her see-sawing availability for sex. Plus, this is all very normal for first time parents - his wondering what happened to his wife, her wondering what happened to my body and will my husband leave me for his secretary if I don't sexually satisfy him.

OP seems very aware of the problem, no easy solutions except talk, talk, talk with your wife and keep whatever sex life you can manage alive so the spark is still there when the kids hit school age.

I totally agree that he needs to talk to his wife but I don't have much confidence that he actually knows how to do that in a productive, problem-solving way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:To everyone saying she doesn't want sex and he needs to fully back off, how long is it acceptable to get away with "I don't want sex"? He says it's been 4x since conception of a baby who is now 8 months old. Exactly how long is a spouse supposed to shut up and happily tolerate a spouse not having sex? Two years? Three? He's in a sexless marriage. She isn't trying at all. Cards don't count. So just how long do you think he's supposed to complacently tolerate a marriage where he is not getting sex and is also being accused of cheating when he's not?

The baby is 8 months. If there's physical discomfort, and I'm leaning toward there isn't, it's just her discomfort and self consciousness making her tense, she needs to get it addressed. This is not a way to live. Both partners have to at least TRY.

Get away with? As long as she needs.

It is not a crime to not want to have sex. Her body is HER PROPERTY, not her husbands.

He can jerk off, or leave if he wants. But she is under no obligation.

This. My 8 mo old is going to come 1st and my body. Yes jerk off and get over it, she's not his sperm bank. I'm sure there are people in this world that don't value sex as much. It shouldn't supersede the children, or more important things like communication.

I know a lot of women that do the obligation sex, they are also very good actresses. Their children will always come first, especially with those kinds of men. Actually with those types of men....I can see why there are so many happy widows.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:To everyone saying she doesn't want sex and he needs to fully back off, how long is it acceptable to get away with "I don't want sex"? He says it's been 4x since conception of a baby who is now 8 months old. Exactly how long is a spouse supposed to shut up and happily tolerate a spouse not having sex? Two years? Three? He's in a sexless marriage. She isn't trying at all. Cards don't count. So just how long do you think he's supposed to complacently tolerate a marriage where he is not getting sex and is also being accused of cheating when he's not?

The baby is 8 months. If there's physical discomfort, and I'm leaning toward there isn't, it's just her discomfort and self consciousness making her tense, she needs to get it addressed. This is not a way to live. Both partners have to at least TRY.

Get away with? As long as she needs.

It is not a crime to not want to have sex. Her body is HER PROPERTY, not her husbands.

He can jerk off, or leave if he wants. But she is under no obligation.

There are lots of people that put their marriages last. There are lots of affairs. The venn diagram has overlap.


This. My 8 mo old is going to come 1st and my body. Yes jerk off and get over it, she's not his sperm bank. I'm sure there are people in this world that don't value sex as much. It shouldn't supersede the children, or more important things like communication.

I know a lot of women that do the obligation sex, they are also very good actresses. Their children will always come first, especially with those kinds of men. Actually with those types of men....I can see why there are so many happy widows.

[Anonymous]

Smart women put their kids first whereby men put their D first. Therein lies the difference.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:To everyone saying she doesn't want sex and he needs to fully back off, how long is it acceptable to get away with "I don't want sex"? He says it's been 4x since conception of a baby who is now 8 months old. Exactly how long is a spouse supposed to shut up and happily tolerate a spouse not having sex? Two years? Three? He's in a sexless marriage. She isn't trying at all. Cards don't count. So just how long do you think he's supposed to complacently tolerate a marriage where he is not getting sex and is also being accused of cheating when he's not?

The baby is 8 months. If there's physical discomfort, and I'm leaning toward there isn't, it's just her discomfort and self consciousness making her tense, she needs to get it addressed. This is not a way to live. Both partners have to at least TRY.

Get away with? As long as she needs.

It is not a crime to not want to have sex. Her body is HER PROPERTY, not her husbands.

He can jerk off, or leave if he wants. But she is under no obligation.

This. My 8 mo old is going to come 1st and my body. Yes jerk off and get over it, she's not his sperm bank. I'm sure there are people in this world that don't value sex as much. It shouldn't supersede the children, or more important things like communication.

I know a lot of women that do the obligation sex, they are also very good actresses. Their children will always come first, especially with those kinds of men. Actually with those types of men....I can see why there are so many happy widows.

In what world does putting your kids first mean no sex? Some of you women are just fucked in the head. To piggy back off your closing line, no wonder so many men have affairs and don't feel guilt. Their wives obviously think after they got the kids sex is a non issue and it will no longer be making an appearance on the priority list. Good luck with that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Smart women put their kids first whereby men put their D first. Therein lies the difference.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Smart women put their kids first whereby men put their D first. Therein lies the difference.

+1

Tanking your marriage isn't putting your kids first.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Smart women put their kids first whereby men put their D first. Therein lies the difference.

Having a strong marriage is the best way to put your kids first. Not the only way, but the best way.