Reply to Lack of Sex starting to cause issues/fights

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Accusations of cheating. It's not acceptable. You need to be firm with her that you are not, have no plans to, and you won't tolerate her continuing to push it and bring it up in random conversations. It is really, REALLY unfair to you to do that. [/quote]

OP again.

So, what do they say? "This isn't my first Rodeo".

I have dealt with (and foolishly accepted and internalized) a fair bit of "suspicious minds" in previous relationships.  My MO has become - and this may in fact be contributing to DW's current insecurities - "I've not nothing to hide or be ashamed of and I'm not going to respond to or engage spurious random suspicions".  I just kind of ignore it, and keep right on doing things.  I have, to cite a recent example much discussed on DCUM, a divorced female friend, who I had lunches with before I met my wife, back when I was single (and the friend and I were dating other people); this is one of those reconnect on FB friends from elementary school.  I have never stopped doing that - it's not frequent - every 2-3 months (it's been 5 since we last met) - because I was doing it before I met and started dating my wife.  I wouldn't have started dating my wife if I were involved with this other woman, and I told her about my lunches with this friend, and that was my wife's opportunity to not be involved with me, if she thought such relationships were somehow inappropriate.   While we have a new child and so spend much more time together as a family, I make a point of doing things - activities I enjoy that I know DW does not enjoy - independently of DW with friends of mine, and I encourage and support DW doing the same with her friends.

There hasn't been a long pattern of DW making remarks but she's mentioned it enough that I know she's worried about it (cheating), and so far I've deflected/defused either by making a joke (just embracing her suspicion and validating it as parody/spoof) or laughing it off.  I also talk about her many opportunities to cheat, and make the same kinds of accusations - jokingly.  Humor can only go so far but it's a good way to lance a boil...or pop a zit.

I've dealt with both the accuse-you-of-cheating-cheater (somehow my jealousy/spidey-sense is really really weak in this regard - because it's happened to me 2x and I only realized what was going on after the breakup) and the insane-insecure-jealousy-monster (no cheating) variety as well.  DW isn't really the latter, though there are tendencies.  Ordinarily, I think the right way to handle this kind of negative emotional energy is to kind of use Judo and redirect it back onto the person putting it out (eg, "That's right..I can slip out of work to bang so and so any time"); in this case, given the circumstances, that seems cruel.

[quote=Anonymous]If sex is truly still painful, she needs to go see her doctor about it. If she sustained some injury or trauma in birth, that needs to be taken care of. If she just doesn't want to have sex, she needs to own that, but if she's seriously using the "it physically hurts" card, that's a medical issue that she needs to get looked at. [/quote]

So, this is tricky because like I said: 4x  ~18 months?  3x after the PP "all clear".  I suppose the next time we try, if the pain issue is obvious again, then I'll push hard on this question.  I actually kind of wonder how much is anxiety-induced vaginismus.  [/quote]

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