Lack of Sex starting to cause issues/fights

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Smart women put their kids first whereby men put their D first. Therein lies the difference.

I put my kids first, but I also want a healthy sex life. Why are they incompatible?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Smart women put their kids first whereby men put their D first. Therein lies the difference.

I put my kids first, but I also want a healthy sex life. Why are they incompatible?

Crazy, right?? I didn't know all this time that having sex with my husband after my kids are in bed means I'm not putting them first. We've got a babysitter for date night tonight... there I go not putting them first again...

[Anonymous]

You make time for your relationship. Like this, if the ship sank and you could save your child or dh hopefully it would be your child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Smart women put their kids first whereby men put their D first. Therein lies the difference.

I put my kids first, but I also want a healthy sex life. Why are they incompatible?

Not that women don't do this, BUT I see many more men who get divorced putting the new wife first. She get's the inheritance, it's like his kids never existed.

A man will leave or cheat over lack of sex. Women tend to put their kids first in many ways compared to men.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH here; married 2.5 years, 8 month old baby. I don't want this to get explicit. Main problem is our sex life is dead. Here are a few relevant points:

- small child
- we both work full time
- physical passion/sex life was never off the charts
- DW has substantial weight gain since pregnancy
- our few attempts have been complete failures.

I feel like we've painted ourselves into a corner with this. DW doesn't feel attractive and wants/needs some reassurance that I still find her attractive - not because she wants sex, but because she sees my lust for her as validation that I'm attracted. The truth is, I'm not really attracted right now, and it's 100% on me to bring the lust/excitement. She's not a starfish, but she does want to just lay back, hopefully in a very dark room, with the lights off, and covers completely covering her body (about which she is completely inhibited) and for me to just show up and want to have sex, even if - as in our failed attempts - she's clearly uncomfortable - either emotionally or physically (or both) and somehow be satisfied. Honestly, the last time I tried to do the whole fantasy thing, and when she started crying (pain) I just completely lost any arousal and stopped dead in my tracks.

She is upset and feels rejected. She's picking fights about unrelated things and is upset about them. She is starting to make comments about how I must be having an affair. We've probably had (attempted anyway) sex 4x since we conceived.

I'm not having an affair, and I really don't want my wife to feel unloved and rejected. I do love her very much. I do want her to feel that I love and treasure her.

I also just can't handle the weight gain. It's just flat out too much. She is finally dieting, and there is an element of honesty now - finally - about the eating habits of the past 16 months that led to 50lbs of weight gain). It is going to take a while, and I'm OK with that. I don't want to talk about "how I wish we could adopt a healthy lifestyle" or any of that crap and I don't want to hear about childcare and cooking healthy meals - I do all that, already. I'm already working my ass off coming up with creative ways to stay inside the "weight watcher" point counts on the meals I cook, and I already shoulder the bulk of the childcare, and laundry, yadda yadda. Those are not the problem.

Despite the weight gain and lack of visual attraction, I could get excited about having some really enthusiastic sex with my wife if I felt like she was remotely enjoying it. But she is so unhappy with her looks and body..it's like she'd be happier wearing a burqua with a hole cut in it. I don't want to sound creepy, but I could kind of fetishize her baby belly, but she doesn't even seem to like me touching her butt and boobs, and pushes me away when I do, or when I try to go down on her.

What is a problem, with the kiddo, is that we get like two windows (time) a week during which to have sex. DW hates morning sex. I am not really interested anymore at 10:30 at night, after dinner, drinks, etc. So, we get like a nap window on Saturday and Sunday. I understand this is what children do to your relationship; I know what I signed up for. I don't need any lectures about this, because personally, I'm OK with us not having sex right now and I'm not bitching about how my wife doesn't want sexy time. I bolded this because of all the idiots who can't read and will just immediately tell me I should accept no sex, and I should do more chores. Let me bold this part too: I do understand what she put her body through; I don't expect her to snap back to normal overnight. I know it's pretty early on; I know a lot of women don't feel ready to enjoy sex for well over a year post-partum. I am OK with this and I'm not the one pushing to start having sex.

I'm considering going back to see my old therapist for advice, but figured I'd give a shot and see if any of the more mature and thoughtful people on DCUM had some suggestions. I feel pretty much reduced to "play fantasies in my head to get aroused and then use her body to masturbate". I really cannot express how much of a libido (and soul) crusher the lack of desire on her part is...no attempt whatever to touch me. This feels pretty much like being forced to engage in Duty Sex that I don't actually want. Yes, we've actually had a conversation about that; I told her it makes me feel rapey.

Stay off the sex subject for awhile. Try going on walks together after work, or other healthy activities you both could do. Shop for healthy food, that will help with the weight issues. Try to do a date night every week or every other if you can. Get a babysitter.

Both of you need time away, pressure away from child chores and sex expectations. Perhaps plan a weekend getaway down the road if you have family that would watch the little one. Book a cruise in 6 mo. most have daycare on board, Carnival was very good when we took our family.

By trying this hopefully everything else will normalize after awhile. Try not to focus on one thing, but having fun in general and enjoying each other's company again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your problem is she doesn't seem to want sex, but gets upset that you're not having it, right?

This is my problem with my DH - and obviously he hasn't had a baby recently. I do the "duty sex" to make him feel better even though neither of us enjoy it ... So crazy. Sometimes I try to have physical contact with him, hugging, cuddling,kissing etc so that he feels loved and wanted but no pressure to have the sex (that he doesn't want!!!!) - and this usually works well. Try this with your wife, no talking required. Good luck OP, I know how you feel.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Smart women put their kids first whereby men put their D first. Therein lies the difference.

I put my kids first, but I also want a healthy sex life. Why are they incompatible?

Making your kids a priority and having a healthy sex life aren't at all incompatible. Lots of people do it.

What seems to happen a fair amount is that "putting a kid first" really means "putting the mom's preferences first" as, of course, the kid doesn't really get to speak for him or herself as to his or her preferences. It's kind of like putting God or the unborn first.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your problem is she doesn't seem to want sex, but gets upset that you're not having it, right?

This is my problem with my DH - and obviously he hasn't had a baby recently. I do the "duty sex" to make him feel better even though neither of us enjoy it ... So crazy. Sometimes I try to have physical contact with him, hugging, cuddling,kissing etc so that he feels loved and wanted but no pressure to have the sex (that he doesn't want!!!!) - and this usually works well. Try this with your wife, no talking required. Good luck OP, I know how you feel.

OP here - I just want to make sure I understand: your husband doesn't want sex but is upset if you don't have sex. If so, yes, you do understand!

[Anonymous]

OP I am not going to read a 12 page thread so I apologize in advance if my advice is duplicative.

I am a DW who is pretty insecure about my PP body. I did not gain a lot of weight while pregnant but I started out overweight and have always been fairly insecure about my weight (although my DH married me at around my current weight so I am not dealing with the change there in terms of his attraction).

I think for me two things help the most:

- DH being very physically affectionate. He is always touching my back, kissing me, holding my waist, that kind of stuff. He also sometimes will escalate the physical affection in ways that are not always aimed at sex such as some slow and lazy 2nd base action or butt grabbing. This type of physical intimacy is not just showing that the loves me but that there is the sexual component. Hugging and cuddling doesn't always show that part b aspect.

- DH really kind of going to town. Trying to not be explicit but I think my DH knew I was unhappy about certain things and made a concerted effort to not JUST initiate sex but to be super focused on foreplay and trying different things and touching my body with no hesitations. I am certain that my post c-section stomach is less attractive than it was pre-pregnancy but I honestly have never felt that from my husband. It sounds like you're a great guy but it also sounds like your lack of attraction (for attitude or physical reasons) is coming through. My DH really went above and beyond in those first few months post partum to throw himself into making me feel attractive. And it has really improved our sex life overall and our relationship overall.

So I guess at the end of the day my advice is for you to take on as a personal mission the concept of convincing your wife that you find her emotionally and physically attractive. And maybe that means faking it until you make it but like, FAKE it. With enthusiasm. I can't really describe how difficult it is to be pregnant, and have this body you've had your whole life just change completely. It is so disheartening, and women, we are not kind to each other. Marriage (as you know because you've said) is about helping each other while your up or down. This is weird because its something you both should be doing but your wife is down and she needs someone to help pull her up. Start copping feels, start telling her she looks beautiful spontaneously when she comes home in a dress or really at any time. Make these things organic but intentional and don't give up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Smart women put their kids first whereby men put their D first. Therein lies the difference.

I put my kids first, but I also want a healthy sex life. Why are they incompatible?

Making your kids a priority and having a healthy sex life aren't at all incompatible. Lots of people do it.

What seems to happen a fair amount is that "putting a kid first" really means "putting the mom's preferences first" as, of course, the kid doesn't really get to speak for him or herself as to his or her preferences. It's kind of like putting God or the unborn first.

You should balance everything. However, if push comes to shove the kid comes first.

[Anonymous]

You can still "put the kid first" and have 20 minutes left over at the end of the day for sex a couple times each week.
If you can't do that, you are just plain selfish.
It's not about the kid, it's about YOU.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Smart women put their kids first whereby men put their D first. Therein lies the difference.

I put my kids first, but I also want a healthy sex life. Why are they incompatible?

Making your kids a priority and having a healthy sex life aren't at all incompatible. Lots of people do it.

What seems to happen a fair amount is that "putting a kid first" really means "putting the mom's preferences first" as, of course, the kid doesn't really get to speak for him or herself as to his or her preferences. It's kind of like putting God or the unborn first.

You should balance everything. However, if push comes to shove the kid comes first.

Sure. Kid's room is on fire? Absolutely skip the sex.

But, if the wife isn't up for sex because she's stressing out and/or exhausting herself arranging for a super special 2nd birthday party for the kid, that's no good. Somewhere in between those extremes, there's a tipping point.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your problem is she doesn't seem to want sex, but gets upset that you're not having it, right?

This is my problem with my DH - and obviously he hasn't had a baby recently. I do the "duty sex" to make him feel better even though neither of us enjoy it ... So crazy. Sometimes I try to have physical contact with him, hugging, cuddling,kissing etc so that he feels loved and wanted but no pressure to have the sex (that he doesn't want!!!!) - and this usually works well. Try this with your wife, no talking required. Good luck OP, I know how you feel.

OP here - I just want to make sure I understand: your husband doesn't want sex but is upset if you don't have sex. If so, yes, you do understand!

Yes. Exactly. This is the PP. you are not alone believe it or not.