My wife reacts with hostility when I ask for more sex

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Wife here who never wants sex, but never says no - I just go through the motions but I have no interest. DH stopped caring about my needs many years ago. I haven't had an orgasm with him in many years. Foreplay to him is me sucking his D before sex to get him hard then he plunges into me dry and it hurts like hell, but he doesn't care. I'm the default parent who takes care of our kids. He doesn't help out at all with housework. I work full time. I've tried talking to him about it but all he cares about is himself. I've just given up on trying. I'm just counting down the days until our kids leave home, then I'm gone and I have no interest at all in getting into another relationship.

You're not alone. I could have written this post, except for I don't even go through the motions, and it makes no difference to him. I need help figuring out how to get myself out of this situation. We had a long talk about this two years ago, and his response was -- oh, I thought that there was something wrong, and I felt like I was forcing you, but wow -- so sorry that you feel like this....I still have needs, so I'll only do it twice a week instead of every day now.

Seriously - self loathing and despising my spouse more and more by the day.

Me three. But we have other stressers in life that will keep our marriage going until one of us (him) croaks.

[Anonymous]

I suspect many if not most of the women who don't have sex with their husbands don't like their husbands all that much, nor would they really enjoy their husband cuddling them and doing all the non-sexual things they say they want.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

What your suggesting is essentially infrequent trial-and-error by one partner without guidance from the other. You gave us "affection, touching, cuddling, etc" as the keys to your vagina

no - what I'm suggesting is that you think of her body as more than just her vagina.

That's a pretty nebulous instruction. Again- most guys would appreciate "please do this more..." and they should be willing to do it. You're basically asking a guy to read her mind in regards to specific actions.

Is it really that hard to acknowledge that a woman bears some responsibility for expressly stating what gets her going?

I think you're missing the point here. You're still thinking of it in terms of what will turn her on and get her off, and thus get you more sex -- so you're still focused on the vagina. You need to focus on her as a person, and for many women, that includes showing affection that has nothing to do with sex. I'm there with my husband right now, I've explicitly asked him for more physical affection that has nothing to do with sex. What I get instead is physical affection, and then the expectation that we'll have sex that night. If my husband gives me a hug when he gets home from work or holds my hand while we watch tv, I know he'll be looking for sex later. Which means I really don't enjoy the physical affection he's giving me, because it comes with demands and expectations rather than being freely given because of how it makes me feel.

[Anonymous]

^^ I've asked my wife for more sex without the expectation of physical affection. Pretty much the same as what you said, right?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's hard to improve your technique when your wife won't communicate with you about that.

It's not rocket science how to entice/seduce a woman: thoughtful conversation, sincere compliment, passing touch, gentle intentional touch, another sincere compliment (not "you make me horny, more like "I love how your hair curls" and touch the curl then the face, my be closer, warm breath on her cheek, and so on. She should not have to coach you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:^^ I've asked my wife for more sex without the expectation of physical affection. Pretty much the same as what you said, right?

No, not at all. Because all you're asking about is how to get your needs met without having to meet any of hers. What we're trying to do here is help OP (perhaps that's you, perhaps not) see areas where he might not be meeting her needs, which could be leading the her resentment and unwillingness to meet his. It probably feels unfair to some people to have to extend themselves to meet their spouse's needs without their own needs immediately being met as well, but when you're in a stalemate like OP seems to be, someone has to make the first move to improve things. Since OP is here asking for advice, I'm suggesting he be that person. If a wife were here with this question, I'd make the same general suggestion (how can you meet his needs better so that he's more inclined to meet yours as well).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's hard to improve your technique when your wife won't communicate with you about that.

It's not rocket science how to entice/seduce a woman: thoughtful conversation, sincere compliment, passing touch, gentle intentional touch, another sincere compliment (not "you make me horny, more like "I love how your hair curls" and touch the curl then the face, my be closer, warm breath on her cheek, and so on. She should not have to coach you.

Creepy. Why are you touching me? Stop talking to me, I'm trying to watch my show.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^^ I've asked my wife for more sex without the expectation of physical affection. Pretty much the same as what you said, right?

No, not at all. Because all you're asking about is how to get your needs met without having to meet any of hers. What we're trying to do here is help OP (perhaps that's you, perhaps not) see areas where he might not be meeting her needs, which could be leading the her resentment and unwillingness to meet his. It probably feels unfair to some people to have to extend themselves to meet their spouse's needs without their own needs immediately being met as well, but when you're in a stalemate like OP seems to be, someone has to make the first move to improve things. Since OP is here asking for advice, I'm suggesting he be that person. If a wife were here with this question, I'd make the same general suggestion (how can you meet his needs better so that he's more inclined to meet yours as well).

This is great, but the problem often is the wife is unable to state clearly what those needs are. My wife has gotten much better at this over the years. Men are not mind readers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^^ I've asked my wife for more sex without the expectation of physical affection. Pretty much the same as what you said, right?

No, not at all. Because all you're asking about is how to get your needs met without having to meet any of hers. What we're trying to do here is help OP (perhaps that's you, perhaps not) see areas where he might not be meeting her needs, which could be leading the her resentment and unwillingness to meet his. It probably feels unfair to some people to have to extend themselves to meet their spouse's needs without their own needs immediately being met as well, but when you're in a stalemate like OP seems to be, someone has to make the first move to improve things. Since OP is here asking for advice, I'm suggesting he be that person. If a wife were here with this question, I'd make the same general suggestion (how can you meet his needs better so that he's more inclined to meet yours as well).

This is great, but the problem often is the wife is unable to state clearly what those needs are. My wife has gotten much better at this over the years. Men are not mind readers.

The needs are mostly arbitrary. She feels how she feels and makes up reasons later. She still doesn't want sex now --> He did x, y, z earlier just like she said she needed --> x, y, z did not count because of previously unarticulated reason a, b, and c.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^^ I've asked my wife for more sex without the expectation of physical affection. Pretty much the same as what you said, right?

No, not at all. Because all you're asking about is how to get your needs met without having to meet any of hers. What we're trying to do here is help OP (perhaps that's you, perhaps not) see areas where he might not be meeting her needs, which could be leading the her resentment and unwillingness to meet his. It probably feels unfair to some people to have to extend themselves to meet their spouse's needs without their own needs immediately being met as well, but when you're in a stalemate like OP seems to be, someone has to make the first move to improve things. Since OP is here asking for advice, I'm suggesting he be that person. If a wife were here with this question, I'd make the same general suggestion (how can you meet his needs better so that he's more inclined to meet yours as well).

This is great, but the problem often is the wife is unable to state clearly what those needs are. My wife has gotten much better at this over the years. Men are not mind readers.

The needs are mostly arbitrary. She feels how she feels and makes up reasons later. She still doesn't want sex now --> He did x, y, z earlier just like she said she needed --> x, y, z did not count because of previously unarticulated reason a, b, and c.

Given how much you hate women as a group, I have a hard time imagining you've ever been married to know whether this is the case or not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^^ I've asked my wife for more sex without the expectation of physical affection. Pretty much the same as what you said, right?

No, not at all. Because all you're asking about is how to get your needs met without having to meet any of hers. What we're trying to do here is help OP (perhaps that's you, perhaps not) see areas where he might not be meeting her needs, which could be leading the her resentment and unwillingness to meet his. It probably feels unfair to some people to have to extend themselves to meet their spouse's needs without their own needs immediately being met as well, but when you're in a stalemate like OP seems to be, someone has to make the first move to improve things. Since OP is here asking for advice, I'm suggesting he be that person. If a wife were here with this question, I'd make the same general suggestion (how can you meet his needs better so that he's more inclined to meet yours as well).

This is great, but the problem often is the wife is unable to state clearly what those needs are. My wife has gotten much better at this over the years. Men are not mind readers.

I tell my husband what I need all the time. From my conversations with my girlfriends, it sounds like they do too. I need a break once in a while. I need some alone time. I need my husband to do his fair share around the house, or at least not leave his dishes all over the table, socks next to the hamper, towel on the floor, toilet paper roll empty, etc. I'd like to have him ask how my day was once in a while, or show any interest in me or what I do. But none of these happen no matter how often I ask, and then he's mystified that I don't want to have sex later. It's because I've spent all day catering to everyone else's needs and preferences without getting any of mine met, so at bedtime I'm not interested in it once again being all about someone else's needs. I just want to rest and finally take care of myself by having a little downtime. But if I ever say that directly, I'm accused of using sex as a weapon. Which it's not at all, it's not like I'd like to have sex but instead am going to withhold it to get back at him. I'm just literally not even remotely interested most days, and it feels like one more chore on my list and I am spent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

I tell my husband what I need all the time. From my conversations with my girlfriends, it sounds like they do too. I need a break once in a while. I need some alone time. I need my husband to do his fair share around the house, or at least not leave his dishes all over the table, socks next to the hamper, towel on the floor, toilet paper roll empty, etc. I'd like to have him ask how my day was once in a while, or show any interest in me or what I do. But none of these happen no matter how often I ask, and then he's mystified that I don't want to have sex later. It's because I've spent all day catering to everyone else's needs and preferences without getting any of mine met, so at bedtime I'm not interested in it once again being all about someone else's needs. I just want to rest and finally take care of myself by having a little downtime. But if I ever say that directly, I'm accused of using sex as a weapon. Which it's not at all, it's not like I'd like to have sex but instead am going to withhold it to get back at him. I'm just literally not even remotely interested most days, and it feels like one more chore on my list and I am spent.

My wife feels spent and uninterested in sex even when I do all those things. One of the things is that sex is simply not a priority for her. She's not malicious or trying to hurt my feelings or anything. It just doesn't occur to her unless I bring it up. And, because it's not a priority, if I take the load off by taking care of a lot of the necessities, it's her nature to increase her load by taking on a bunch of discretionary activities. So, I could kill myself with effort, and it wouldn't result in so much free time for her that she felt relaxed and horny. So, I respect your situation, but I think there are more than a few guys who feel like their wife can't be relied upon to make sex a priority no matter how much effort they put into what their wives see as priorities.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^It's not about sex being boring, it's about not getting off during sex. If you were not getting off during sex, no one would blame you for toning it down and not wanting it as often.

Clearly, since OP wants to have sex more often, I am assuming he is getting off each time. If his wife is not, he needs to take steps to bridge that gap.

She can "take steps" too.

The underlying presumption seems to be that if that if the sex is "bad" for her it is entirely the man's fault. But it takes two to tango.

Ultimately, she has just as much of a responsibility to communicate how she feels and what she wants instead of being passive and waiting for her man to magically divine the secrets of her vagina without her help.

Also, men "get off" every time because they don't have the mindset of "waiting for her to give me an orgasm." Men make their own orgasms. Women should learn how to get themselves off and then try to achieve that for themselves during sex, but they don't because they prefer to be passive.

No they don't. They use our bodies to make their orgasms. If I could grab his tongue and use it to climax, I'd do that, but anatomy intervened.

I already know how to get myself off when I'm alone. If I have to do that when I'm having sex with you, then why are you there at all?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
The needs are mostly arbitrary. She feels how she feels and makes up reasons later. She still doesn't want sex now --> He did x, y, z earlier just like she said she needed --> x, y, z did not count because of previously unarticulated reason a, b, and c.

Given how much you hate women as a group, I have a hard time imagining you've ever been married to know whether this is the case or not.

I don't hate women. But I do think that - as a general (certainly not universal) proposition - men are more in touch with their own sexuality than women are. And I think it's not uncommon for women to not really know for sure why they don't want to have sex and, when asked for an explanation, find themselves rationalizing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^It's not about sex being boring, it's about not getting off during sex. If you were not getting off during sex, no one would blame you for toning it down and not wanting it as often.

Clearly, since OP wants to have sex more often, I am assuming he is getting off each time. If his wife is not, he needs to take steps to bridge that gap.

She can "take steps" too.

The underlying presumption seems to be that if that if the sex is "bad" for her it is entirely the man's fault. But it takes two to tango.

Ultimately, she has just as much of a responsibility to communicate how she feels and what she wants instead of being passive and waiting for her man to magically divine the secrets of her vagina without her help.

Also, men "get off" every time because they don't have the mindset of "waiting for her to give me an orgasm." Men make their own orgasms. Women should learn how to get themselves off and then try to achieve that for themselves during sex, but they don't because they prefer to be passive.

No they don't. They use our bodies to make their orgasms. If I could grab his tongue and use it to climax, I'd do that, but anatomy intervened.

I already know how to get myself off when I'm alone. If I have to do that when I'm having sex with you, then why are you there at all?

If all sex is to you is a means to get an orgasm, then you really ought to be masturbating.