My wife reacts with hostility when I ask for more sex

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DW here, this has been an issue in our marriage we are working on. I don't get upset if we are discussing our sex life and how to improve it, but if he specifically asks me for more sex it is a huge turn off and makes it feel like another chore to add to my infinite to do list. Here are some things that have helped my libido and our sex life:
Excersize
Going out and flirting with other guys (read some of the latest research on women and monogomy)
Sex questions game: take turns asking questions like what's your favorite sex memmory with your spouse, what's a fantasy you've never told me etc
Bringing more kink into our relationship (dirty texts, sex toys, light bondage etc)

If you had told me I'd be doing this stuff 3 months ago I would have laughed, my sex drive was turned OFF, I've realized the secret to improving things for me is novelty (things had gotten stale) and teaching my husband how to be better in bed, because he'll put a lot of effort in, but wasn't that good and didn't know what I liked. Of course this will sort of need to be driven by her and if she won't even talk about it I'm not sure where to start. Maybe give her a REALLY good experience like long massage with oils before, take your time kissing and enjoying every part of her, eat her out like it's the best thing you've ever tasted, when you're done and she's satisfied, broach the topic like this "You know I've been wanting to have sex more frequently and I'd like to know how I can pleasure you better" then bring up the question game or something else so that you can have an ongoing conversation about sex focuses on her pleasure and not you whining. Not sure if this would work for other women, but it has completely transformed our marriage. Good luck!

OP here. Thanks for this. Hope springs eternal.

[Anonymous]

WEED.

[Anonymous]

Try flirting, making her laugh, cleaning up the house, being her friend

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:WEED.

Really? Is pot an aphrodisiac?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No one is projecting. Statistics dont lie. The majority of hetero women are left sexually unsatisfied.

If you were great in bed, your wife would want it more. Full stop. Sometimes the simplest answer is the correct one. I know it's an ego blow, but being angry about that wont change it.

But that's not always true. Women's libidos often increase as they get older. Did their husbands miraculously get better in bed or are there factors independent of their partner in play?

It may be the husband has gotten lazy. But it sure as hell is possible there are factors outside his control.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No one is projecting. Statistics dont lie. The majority of hetero women are left sexually unsatisfied.

If you were great in bed, your wife would want it more. Full stop. Sometimes the simplest answer is the correct one. I know it's an ego blow, but being angry about that wont change it.

But that's not always true. Women's libidos often increase as they get older. Did their husbands miraculously get better in bed or are there factors independent of their partner in play?

It may be the husband has gotten lazy. But it sure as hell is possible there are factors outside his control.

Getting better in bed will increase the frequency of sex, consistently. But of course, that's not the answer op is looking for.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Time to outsource your needs, dude.

Knock yourself out. Just dont act surprised or offended when your wife files for divorce.

He should file himself. She's not holding up her end of the bargain.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Time to outsource your needs, dude.

Knock yourself out. Just dont act surprised or offended when your wife files for divorce.

He should file himself. She's not holding up her end of the bargain.

Sure. Wife will probably be better off and can find someone who can sexually satisfy her. Win win.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No one is projecting. Statistics dont lie. The majority of hetero women are left sexually unsatisfied.

If you were great in bed, your wife would want it more. Full stop. Sometimes the simplest answer is the correct one. I know it's an ego blow, but being angry about that wont change it.

But that's not always true. Women's libidos often increase as they get older. Did their husbands miraculously get better in bed or are there factors independent of their partner in play?

It may be the husband has gotten lazy. But it sure as hell is possible there are factors outside his control.

Some of it is probably that the husbands or other partners (second husbands, boyfriends -- as the husbands die off -- etc) ARE better.

Some of it is also probably that the kids are growing/grown up and the wife isn't constantly tired from being the default parent anymore. Seriously, before I became a mother I had NO idea why mothers had low libidos. Pre-kids my DH and I were well matched on the SD front. Post kids, even though he's a good dad...he doesn't shoulder 50% of the parenting burden (he can't in some ways, not blaming) and I am much more physically and emotionally tired than he is. One our kids are older, I am SO looking forward to a libido bounce back!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Time to outsource your needs, dude.

Knock yourself out. Just dont act surprised or offended when your wife files for divorce.

He should file himself. She's not holding up her end of the bargain.

Her didn't pay her for sex did he? Then it's not a "bargain."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Time to outsource your needs, dude.

Knock yourself out. Just dont act surprised or offended when your wife files for divorce.

He should file himself. She's not holding up her end of the bargain.

Her didn't pay her for sex did he? Then it's not a "bargain."

x2.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Time to outsource your needs, dude.

Knock yourself out. Just dont act surprised or offended when your wife files for divorce.

He should file himself. She's not holding up her end of the bargain.

The bargain? Women are not obligated to have sex with anyone, including their spouse. Sex should be a mutually enjoyable experience. If she's not liking it, then she's not going to want it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Time to outsource your needs, dude.

Knock yourself out. Just dont act surprised or offended when your wife files for divorce.

He should file himself. She's not holding up her end of the bargain.

The bargain? Women are not obligated to have sex with anyone, including their spouse. Sex should be a mutually enjoyable experience. If she's not liking it, then she's not going to want it.

Agreed 100%

I wonder if you did a survey of men, whether the men who had attitudes like "women are obligated to give men sex as part of the marriage 'bargain'" are the men who aren't getting any? And whether their attitudes caused their wives to stop wanting to have sex or whether the sex aspect of their relationships went south and then they adopted a more transactional worldview to protect their feelings?

Some very interesting considerations. I do feel for anyone who is sexually unfulfilled in their marriages, but I think making it a transaction is the wrong way to go.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There's nothing more to it than that. She's not angry that I'm doing, or not doing, anything else. And she's not angry because she feels that we have enough sex. She couldn't reasonably feel that way since we have sex so pathetically infrequently. She's just mad because she doesn't want to have sex and I do. That makes me mad too, but getting angry with her about it isn't going to solve anything. I'd like to have a conversation with her about that subject without the hostility.

OP, do you and your wife talk? You're saying "she's not angry..." but is that what SHE said, or what you're assuming (because she "couldn't reasonably feel" any other way)? There's probably a LOT more to it. It's highly improbable that you and your wife talk about everything under the sun without "hostility", yet discussions about sex frequency become hostile.

Is she stressed at work? Is something happening in her personal life? Is she exhausted from caring for the kids all day? What was her day like when you asked her for more sex? What was her week like? Where's her head at? If I'm exhausted from case work, run ragged by my kids, and facing a list of chores that need doing, I'm not in the mood to have sex, or even talk about it.

Then, of course, there's the point that several PPs have already made: maybe your game isn't as strong as you think. My spouse can take me from bad mood to bliss with a few words and a backrub. Do you know what turns your wife on? Do you regularly do those things?

Sounds like you and your wife are badly disconnected, and the lack of sex is just a manifestation of the disconnect.

[Anonymous]

While looking at sex in marriage as a bargain or transaction owed certainly isn't going to help anyone's sex life, a marriage is a partnership and sex is a pretty big part of that. On the posts where men aren't doing anything to help with chores around the house, no one hesitates to say he needs to pitch in or hire a maid, but when the man wants sex that's just too bad for him, he's not owed anything? I'm a wife (pp with the long post about how we've been working to improve my low libido) and if things are that dyer then both partners need to step up and take care of business. You can't demand monogamy and refuse to put any effort into your sex life. If your husband isn't pleasing you in the sack, then tell him what to do. A woman may not "owe" a man sex, but it is a pretty big part of the whole marriage deal, not to mention there are plenty of women wanting more sex than their husbands.