My wife reacts with hostility when I ask for more sex

[Anonymous]

Because we are best friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

What your suggesting is essentially infrequent trial-and-error by one partner without guidance from the other. You gave us "affection, touching, cuddling, etc" as the keys to your vagina

no - what I'm suggesting is that you think of her body as more than just her vagina.

That's a pretty nebulous instruction. Again- most guys would appreciate "please do this more..." and they should be willing to do it. You're basically asking a guy to read her mind in regards to specific actions.

Is it really that hard to acknowledge that a woman bears some responsibility for expressly stating what gets her going?

I think you're missing the point here. You're still thinking of it in terms of what will turn her on and get her off, and thus get you more sex -- so you're still focused on the vagina. You need to focus on her as a person, and for many women, that includes showing affection that has nothing to do with sex. I'm there with my husband right now, I've explicitly asked him for more physical affection that has nothing to do with sex. What I get instead is physical affection, and then the expectation that we'll have sex that night. If my husband gives me a hug when he gets home from work or holds my hand while we watch tv, I know he'll be looking for sex later. Which means I really don't enjoy the physical affection he's giving me, because it comes with demands and expectations rather than being freely given because of how it makes me feel.

So you tell him what you want, he does it, and you resent that he wants to fuck you?

I don't think it should be paint-by-numbers, that if he does X,Y,Z you should be obligated to have sex. It should be fine to do those things and not have sex all the time. But if you told me that you like X,Y,Z and I did them several times without sex- it'd make me frustrated and wonder what else I have to do for things to move in the right direction.

But its a mixed message you're sending if you ask him to show affection, he does it, and you get pissed because he wants to have sex. IMO- it doesn't seem like you really want to have sex more often and are looking for reasons to shoot him down.

No, what I want is for him to meet my needs because he loves me and wants me to be happy, not throw some crumbs at my needs in order to get sex. Believe me, there's nothing loving about that.

I read this thread and I can't help but wonder why you all want more sex with your wives. If it's just about orgasms, you can get some online porn and get yourself off. Is it about wanting intimacy with your wives? I supposed it might be, but it doesn't sound like it when it seems like you resent the hell out of being asked to do anything for her to actually foster that intimacy.

To put it in more concrete terms, I would like it if he showed affection just once without wanting sex within a few hours. Just once.

He'd probably like it if you wanted to have sex with him just once without him having to earn it by showing you affection hours before. Just once.

Yeah, tried that, for quite a while. Still didn't change anything. Honestly, at this point the answer is probably divorce. We're all so much more relaxed and happy (including the kids) when my husband is traveling for work, it's probably for the best. No one else's needs matter more than what he wants, and that's exhausting to live with. Would it be nice to meet someone eventually that I enjoy being with? Sure. But I think I'd rather be single for the rest of my life than keep living like this.

[Anonymous]

What if you tell your husband that you aren't enjoying sex and he doesn't seem to care? I finally got the courage to tell my husband sex wasnt doing anything for me 2+years ago. I told him we should buy a nice upholstered, armless chair bc the few time i've enjoyed sex was when we were an in upright position. so here we are , two years after me telling him and still without a chair and I still do not enjoy sex even though we do it 2-3 times a week. I work out and stay in shape and am generally a nice and happy person. I thought that a man, whether he's a husband or not, would jump at the idea of buying an item that his increase his parter's sexual satisfaction, but what do I know. I realize I could buy it myself, but frankly, I'm pretty much over it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yeah, tried that, for quite a while. Still didn't change anything. Honestly, at this point the answer is probably divorce. We're all so much more relaxed and happy (including the kids) when my husband is traveling for work, it's probably for the best. No one else's needs matter more than what he wants, and that's exhausting to live with. Would it be nice to meet someone eventually that I enjoy being with? Sure. But I think I'd rather be single for the rest of my life than keep living like this.

And this response is equivalent to a man who feels he's tried all the romance and non-sexual stuff (as suggested by his wife) with little improvement in the frequency of intimacy. When one partner feels they are trying to improve the relationship and still not getting their needs met, its very easy, perhaps inevitable, to throw up ones hands and give up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
My wife feels spent and uninterested in sex even when I do all those things. One of the things is that sex is simply not a priority for her. She's not malicious or trying to hurt my feelings or anything. It just doesn't occur to her unless I bring it up. And, because it's not a priority, if I take the load off by taking care of a lot of the necessities, it's her nature to increase her load by taking on a bunch of discretionary activities. So, I could kill myself with effort, and it wouldn't result in so much free time for her that she felt relaxed and horny. So, I respect your situation, but I think there are more than a few guys who feel like their wife can't be relied upon to make sex a priority no matter how much effort they put into what their wives see as priorities.

What are these discretionary activities? My sex drive is in the toilet these days, and I know a whole lot of that is because I've gained weight and gotten out of shape, so I don't feel as physically comfortable, and I feel way too body conscious to enjoy sex. If my husband took things off my plate, I'd probably throw that time and energy into losing weight and exercising more, and so he'd probably see me spending a lot of that newfound time running and looking up new recipes. That might feel to him like the same kind of discretionary activities you're talking about and he might not see the connection, but there is one. He's helping me so I can put more energy into the things that I hope will help me increase my sex drive.

In fact, losing weight and exercising more were some of those activities. She was always doing that to some extent, but after we had the exhausted-need help to feel sexy conversation, and I increased my efforts to decrease her workload, the exercise increased. Which generally was fine - except when I kept getting the "I can't have sex with you tonight because I need to get up early to exercise with my friend" brush off. But that was incidental. There was a lot more gardening. There were walls to be painted because she didn't like the color. There were lots more gatherings with mom-friends that seemed to involve enough wine to make her tired in the evening. There was an expansion of her work-from-home job. That's off the top of my head.

None of this is bad, mind you. Really the wine-with-other-moms is the only one that seemed more on the frivolous side. But all of them showed me that sex was very low on the priority list. My wife is an active and imaginative person. That's part of why I like her so much. But that means that, if sex isn't a priority, she'll never run out of things to do that will leave her too tired for sex. (And she was fairly uninterested in some of the work arounds like having sex first thing in the morning or in the afternoon.)

What's helped to some extent is me getting a vasectomy, her getting rid of the hormonal birth control, and, frankly, me telling her point blank that lack of sex was making me unhappy and her caring enough about the marriage to raise it up the priority list.

And to the PP whose husband can't be bothered to show her sexless affection, it's not like that in our marriage. For example, I can't begin to count the number of unreciprocated foot rubs I have given my wife without sex within a week on either side.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yeah, tried that, for quite a while. Still didn't change anything. Honestly, at this point the answer is probably divorce. We're all so much more relaxed and happy (including the kids) when my husband is traveling for work, it's probably for the best. No one else's needs matter more than what he wants, and that's exhausting to live with. Would it be nice to meet someone eventually that I enjoy being with? Sure. But I think I'd rather be single for the rest of my life than keep living like this.

And this response is equivalent to a man who feels he's tried all the romance and non-sexual stuff (as suggested by his wife) with little improvement in the frequency of intimacy. When one partner feels they are trying to improve the relationship and still not getting their needs met, its very easy, perhaps inevitable, to throw up ones hands and give up.

Of course, and I was never addressing men who tried and didn't get a response. Let's remember where the thread started, with an OP who was upset that his wife would get mad when he asked for more sex, but who never came back around to answer questions about whether he had any understanding of why she was upset or what else might be going on. He just wanted more sex and didn't seem to care about the rest of it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yeah, tried that, for quite a while. Still didn't change anything. Honestly, at this point the answer is probably divorce. We're all so much more relaxed and happy (including the kids) when my husband is traveling for work, it's probably for the best. No one else's needs matter more than what he wants, and that's exhausting to live with. Would it be nice to meet someone eventually that I enjoy being with? Sure. But I think I'd rather be single for the rest of my life than keep living like this.

And this response is equivalent to a man who feels he's tried all the romance and non-sexual stuff (as suggested by his wife) with little improvement in the frequency of intimacy. When one partner feels they are trying to improve the relationship and still not getting their needs met, its very easy, perhaps inevitable, to throw up ones hands and give up.

Of course, and I was never addressing men who tried and didn't get a response. Let's remember where the thread started, with an OP who was upset that his wife would get mad when he asked for more sex, but who never came back around to answer questions about whether he had any understanding of why she was upset or what else might be going on. He just wanted more sex and didn't seem to care about the rest of it.

Fair point. I assumed you were the PP who said a guy should fundamentally change his motivation for intimacy (stop thinking of the vagina) and that's the key to a woman's heart. Personally, I feel like I've tried that over and over with little to no result. It sounds like you've tried with your husband with little to no result. It just sucks not having your needs met and your spouse doesn't seem to care.

Maybe I'm just an idiot for still hoping things will get better. I've thought about divorce when our youngest is off to college in 3 years. I'll probably see if things are better in a year and if not, start my exit strategy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

I read this thread and I can't help but wonder why you all want more sex with your wives. If it's just about orgasms, you can get some online porn and get yourself off. Is it about wanting intimacy with your wives? I supposed it might be, but it doesn't sound like it when it seems like you resent the hell out of being asked to do anything for her to actually foster that intimacy.

It's obviously about much more than orgasms or getting off for most men. And you aren't being very charitable. What you are hearing from these guys is despair because they have tried everything they can think of to improve the situation and it hasn't worked, and the advice they get on how to improve things does not generally improve things, and often seems structured to put the blame on them no matter what they do.

It seems easier for many here to blame them because the alternative---when sexual interest is gone, it is often gone for good and isn't coming back---is profoundly destabilizing to marriages.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

No, what I want is for him to meet my needs because he loves me and wants me to be happy, not throw some crumbs at my needs in order to get sex. Believe me, there's nothing loving about that.

I read this thread and I can't help but wonder why you all want more sex with your wives. If it's just about orgasms, you can get some online porn and get yourself off. Is it about wanting intimacy with your wives? I supposed it might be, but it doesn't sound like it when it seems like you resent the hell out of being asked to do anything for her to actually foster that intimacy.

What (your DH) wants is for you to meet his (sexual) needs because you love him and you want him to be happy, not just throw some dead fish sex at him in order to get him to leave you alone for two more weeks. Believe me, there is nothing loving about that.

In all these shitty relationships this is probably the two sides of the same coin, sort of a chicken/egg sort of thing. Neither side wants to give an inch either, so here you are.

Sex is extremely important (like on the neurochemical level) to intimacy for males. It is not just about ejaculation.

Next time he does some chores, beat him to the punch initiating. Give him some un asked for good loving and see what that does to his attitude.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What if you tell your husband that you aren't enjoying sex and he doesn't seem to care? I finally got the courage to tell my husband sex wasnt doing anything for me 2+years ago. I told him we should buy a nice upholstered, armless chair bc the few time i've enjoyed sex was when we were an in upright position. so here we are , two years after me telling him and still without a chair and I still do not enjoy sex even though we do it 2-3 times a week. I work out and stay in shape and am generally a nice and happy person. I thought that a man, whether he's a husband or not, would jump at the idea of buying an item that his increase his parter's sexual satisfaction, but what do I know. I realize I could buy it myself, but frankly, I'm pretty much over it.

This right here is a perfectly reasonable reason to withhold sex. You just tell him you aren't going to have sex until he is ready to take care of your needs. But the key is when you deny him let him know exactly why. Most women will just give the cold shoulder. I know it might be hard for a woman to believe, but no man is going to pick up on the fact he isn't getting sex now because he didn't buy a chair TWO YEARS AGO.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's hard to improve your technique when your wife won't communicate with you about that.

It's not rocket science how to entice/seduce a woman: thoughtful conversation, sincere compliment, passing touch, gentle intentional touch, another sincere compliment (not "you make me horny, more like "I love how your hair curls" and touch the curl then the face, my be closer, warm breath on her cheek, and so on. She should not have to coach you.

Hm. I'm female and none of those things would turn me on at all. PP, are you male or female? I'm guessing male. Let me lay it out nice and easy: Women want men who know what to do with a woman's body, not men who breathe on their cheeks and flatter them about how their hair curls. For Chrissakes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What if you tell your husband that you aren't enjoying sex and he doesn't seem to care? I finally got the courage to tell my husband sex wasnt doing anything for me 2+years ago. I told him we should buy a nice upholstered, armless chair bc the few time i've enjoyed sex was when we were an in upright position. so here we are , two years after me telling him and still without a chair and I still do not enjoy sex even though we do it 2-3 times a week. I work out and stay in shape and am generally a nice and happy person. I thought that a man, whether he's a husband or not, would jump at the idea of buying an item that his increase his parter's sexual satisfaction, but what do I know. I realize I could buy it myself, but frankly, I'm pretty much over it.

This right here is a perfectly reasonable reason to withhold sex. You just tell him you aren't going to have sex until he is ready to take care of your needs. But the key is when you deny him let him know exactly why. Most women will just give the cold shoulder. I know it might be hard for a woman to believe, but no man is going to pick up on the fact he isn't getting sex now because he didn't buy a chair TWO YEARS AGO.

Guy here and I completely agree. If that PP said "hey, buy this chair and I'll probably want to screw more often in it" and her husband ignored such a direct request- he's an idiot, she did what she could. But its also pretty clear that she's not "pretty much over it" if she's resentful two years later about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What if you tell your husband that you aren't enjoying sex and he doesn't seem to care? I finally got the courage to tell my husband sex wasnt doing anything for me 2+years ago. I told him we should buy a nice upholstered, armless chair bc the few time i've enjoyed sex was when we were an in upright position. so here we are , two years after me telling him and still without a chair and I still do not enjoy sex even though we do it 2-3 times a week. I work out and stay in shape and am generally a nice and happy person. I thought that a man, whether he's a husband or not, would jump at the idea of buying an item that his increase his parter's sexual satisfaction, but what do I know. I realize I could buy it myself, but frankly, I'm pretty much over it.

This right here is a perfectly reasonable reason to withhold sex. You just tell him you aren't going to have sex until he is ready to take care of your needs. But the key is when you deny him let him know exactly why. Most women will just give the cold shoulder. I know it might be hard for a woman to believe, but no man is going to pick up on the fact he isn't getting sex now because he didn't buy a chair TWO YEARS AGO.

Guy here and I completely agree. If that PP said "hey, buy this chair and I'll probably want to screw more often in it" and her husband ignored such a direct request- he's an idiot, she did what she could. But its also pretty clear that she's not "pretty much over it" if she's resentful two years later about it.

No, I recently brought it up ago at the beginning of this year. As I stated, I've never withheld sex from my husband. We still do it 2-3 times a week. However, he has had no interest in my request- which I said I would like to have- or at me confiding to him that sex isnt enjoyable for me. I got up the courage to tell him I wasnt enjoying sex and that if we could purchase something that would perhaps help me do so and it fell on deaf ears. He flat out ignored me and the request. Where does the leave me and how could I possibly think he cares about my satisfaction?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What if you tell your husband that you aren't enjoying sex and he doesn't seem to care? I finally got the courage to tell my husband sex wasnt doing anything for me 2+years ago. I told him we should buy a nice upholstered, armless chair bc the few time i've enjoyed sex was when we were an in upright position. so here we are , two years after me telling him and still without a chair and I still do not enjoy sex even though we do it 2-3 times a week. I work out and stay in shape and am generally a nice and happy person. I thought that a man, whether he's a husband or not, would jump at the idea of buying an item that his increase his parter's sexual satisfaction, but what do I know. I realize I could buy it myself, but frankly, I'm pretty much over it.

This right here is a perfectly reasonable reason to withhold sex. You just tell him you aren't going to have sex until he is ready to take care of your needs. But the key is when you deny him let him know exactly why. Most women will just give the cold shoulder. I know it might be hard for a woman to believe, but no man is going to pick up on the fact he isn't getting sex now because he didn't buy a chair TWO YEARS AGO.

Guy here and I completely agree. If that PP said "hey, buy this chair and I'll probably want to screw more often in it" and her husband ignored such a direct request- he's an idiot, she did what she could. But its also pretty clear that she's not "pretty much over it" if she's resentful two years later about it.

I'm the PP and what I meant to write was that I think I'm pretty much over trying to get my husband interested in my sexual satisfaction.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What if you tell your husband that you aren't enjoying sex and he doesn't seem to care? I finally got the courage to tell my husband sex wasnt doing anything for me 2+years ago. I told him we should buy a nice upholstered, armless chair bc the few time i've enjoyed sex was when we were an in upright position. so here we are , two years after me telling him and still without a chair and I still do not enjoy sex even though we do it 2-3 times a week. I work out and stay in shape and am generally a nice and happy person. I thought that a man, whether he's a husband or not, would jump at the idea of buying an item that his increase his parter's sexual satisfaction, but what do I know. I realize I could buy it myself, but frankly, I'm pretty much over it.

This right here is a perfectly reasonable reason to withhold sex. You just tell him you aren't going to have sex until he is ready to take care of your needs. But the key is when you deny him let him know exactly why. Most women will just give the cold shoulder. I know it might be hard for a woman to believe, but no man is going to pick up on the fact he isn't getting sex now because he didn't buy a chair TWO YEARS AGO.

Guy here and I completely agree. If that PP said "hey, buy this chair and I'll probably want to screw more often in it" and her husband ignored such a direct request- he's an idiot, she did what she could. But its also pretty clear that she's not "pretty much over it" if she's resentful two years later about it.

No, I recently brought it up ago at the beginning of this year. As I stated, I've never withheld sex from my husband. We still do it 2-3 times a week. However, he has had no interest in my request- which I said I would like to have- or at me confiding to him that sex isnt enjoyable for me. I got up the courage to tell him I wasnt enjoying sex and that if we could purchase something that would perhaps help me do so and it fell on deaf ears. He flat out ignored me and the request. Where does the leave me and how could I possibly think he cares about my satisfaction?

What would happen if you just went out and bought a chair yourself? I completely get the frustration, just trying to gauge where he is on the clueless to indifferent to withholding spectrum.