My wife reacts with hostility when I ask for more sex

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Wife here who never wants sex, but never says no - I just go through the motions but I have no interest. DH stopped caring about my needs many years ago. I haven't had an orgasm with him in many years. Foreplay to him is me sucking his D before sex to get him hard then he plunges into me dry and it hurts like hell, but he doesn't care. I'm the default parent who takes care of our kids. He doesn't help out at all with housework. I work full time. I've tried talking to him about it but all he cares about is himself. I've just given up on trying. I'm just counting down the days until our kids leave home, then I'm gone and I have no interest at all in getting into another relationship.

You're not alone. I could have written this post, except for I don't even go through the motions, and it makes no difference to him. I need help figuring out how to get myself out of this situation. We had a long talk about this two years ago, and his response was -- oh, I thought that there was something wrong, and I felt like I was forcing you, but wow -- so sorry that you feel like this....I still have needs, so I'll only do it twice a week instead of every day now.

Seriously - self loathing and despising my spouse more and more by the day.

PPs, this is really bad. Your husbands are not at all concerned that they are hurting you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am a wife who has lost interest in sex. With my spouse, at least. He is at best mediocre in bed and is also a giant, repressed prude. He starts with this weird baby talkish thing if he wants sex, or will make some attempting-to-be-funny "sexy" dance. It turns me off instantly. Listen, when I'm trying to bear the thought of having sex with you - because I am NOT interested and you do not satisfy me, ever - please don't add fuel to the anti-sex fire.

I wish I could tell him this, but he has quite possibly the worlds most fragile ego, about EVERYTHING. Commenting on lack of sexual satisfaction would mean he'd never be brave enough to try again for fear of failure.

It's not that I'm not interested in sex. Trust me that there's a coworker I'd nail in a hot second. Mmmmmm.

Oh, this was exactly my situation with my ex-husband. After we divorced, I did nail a hot coworker (or let him nail me, rather). I finally understood why people looked forward to having sex!

OP, I feel for you. Are you making sure that your wife knows you value her for more than the things she does for you? I know I'm a lot more receptive when it feels like my partner wants to be with me-- and that being together might lead to sex, as opposed to-- my partner wants to be with me so we can have sex.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

What your suggesting is essentially infrequent trial-and-error by one partner without guidance from the other. You gave us "affection, touching, cuddling, etc" as the keys to your vagina

no - what I'm suggesting is that you think of her body as more than just her vagina.

That's a pretty nebulous instruction. Again- most guys would appreciate "please do this more..." and they should be willing to do it. You're basically asking a guy to read her mind in regards to specific actions.

Is it really that hard to acknowledge that a woman bears some responsibility for expressly stating what gets her going?

The thing is, for a lot of women, what they like in particular changes from time to time -- and even from person to person. (A stranger could be doing the exact same stuff and give them toe curling orgasms while the husband doing it does nothing.) By giving nebulous instructions, the woman lets any subsequent failure be the guy's fault. If she gives concrete instructions and the guy follows them, she has to take some ownership of the situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

What your suggesting is essentially infrequent trial-and-error by one partner without guidance from the other. You gave us "affection, touching, cuddling, etc" as the keys to your vagina

no - what I'm suggesting is that you think of her body as more than just her vagina.

That's a pretty nebulous instruction. Again- most guys would appreciate "please do this more..." and they should be willing to do it. You're basically asking a guy to read her mind in regards to specific actions.

Is it really that hard to acknowledge that a woman bears some responsibility for expressly stating what gets her going?

The thing is, for a lot of women, what they like in particular changes from time to time -- and even from person to person. (A stranger could be doing the exact same stuff and give them toe curling orgasms while the husband doing it does nothing.) By giving nebulous instructions, the woman lets any subsequent failure be the guy's fault. If she gives concrete instructions and the guy follows them, she has to take some ownership of the situation.

nebulous PP- just to be clear, there are plenty of guys who are lazy and don't give a shit. But for a guy who genuinely wants to get better, you're setting him up for failure if you ask him to completely change his way of thinking about a woman's body and pleasure without some specific instruction.

Old joke-

Q: What do a clitoris and Antarctica have in common?

A: Most me know where both are but few care.

[Anonymous]

she has to take some ownership of the situation.

In other words, it's her own problem if she's not turned on by you, and should be ready to either have you cheat on her with someone else, or put up with duty sex, right?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So hubby needs to get better in bed but he doesn't get any sex until then? How is he supposed to practice and improve his technique If he has no willing partner to do it with?

Study up! Learn how he can be more physically alluring to his spouse. And study- memorize the female anatomy until he knows it perfectly. Get some good techniques. Get in better shape. Preparation is key.

That's like telling someone to become a good swimmer by reading about it.

I enjoy reading about sex and am always thinking about new ways to get my wife off. But when I have limited access to my wife, that interest and study doesn't translate into good sex very well. (And to the PP's point about women being more passive in their approach to sex -- I'm certain my wife spends almost no time thinking about new ways to get me off.)

That's because men get off SO easily, it's (literally) become a joke. Why would anyone spend any time thinking about a presumed certainty?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

she has to take some ownership of the situation.

In other words, it's her own problem if she's not turned on by you, and should be ready to either have you cheat on her with someone else, or put up with duty sex, right?

Exactly. I love men who come on here to whine about not getting laid and then get angry and ask, "Why should I have to be worried about my wife getting off?" like it's some unreasonable request.

Gotta love men...they can be so dumb and self defeating sometimes, but it is amusing to watch.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So hubby needs to get better in bed but he doesn't get any sex until then? How is he supposed to practice and improve his technique If he has no willing partner to do it with?

You know how I know you're not a woman?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sorry bro.

As Jessica Valenti said:

"It also paints a fairly inaccurate - and transactional - picture of female desire. Despite terrible gift books to the contrary, most women don’t get off on men vacuuming or picking up socks (not that there’s anything wrong with those that do). What turns women on is what turns men on: good sex."

Maybe work on improving your technique?

This x1000. I think almost all men fail / refuse to realize that this is the issue, plain and simple. If the sex was great she would be up for it all the time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sorry bro.

As Jessica Valenti said:

"It also paints a fairly inaccurate - and transactional - picture of female desire. Despite terrible gift books to the contrary, most women don’t get off on men vacuuming or picking up socks (not that there’s anything wrong with those that do). What turns women on is what turns men on: good sex."

Maybe work on improving your technique?

This x1000. I think almost all men fail / refuse to realize that this is the issue, plain and simple. If the sex was great she would be up for it all the time.[\

This is not true. All women are different. My wife loves having sex with me. I am not the best lover but I know how to get her off. Every time. But she generally wants sex 2 times a week. I could literally go every day. She will usually have 2 or 3 intense orgasms from manual (usually) or oral (less frequently -- Her choice) then likes to get pounded hard and fast for as long as I can go. Sometimes this will lead to another O but often her uterus is feeling crampy at this point and she doesn't want any more. Also because she likes it rough she needs a few days in between for her vagina to "recover". She will blow me on other days but doesn't want me inside her and doesn't even want manual or oral release even when offered "no strings" ie she doesn't have to reciprocate.

The variations to her feelings on this basically only change up or down based on hormonal fluctuations, stress level, if I've been a dick about something. So I would say even with great sex women won't necessarily always want it

Disclaimer -- if I looked and moved like Channing Tatum maybe she would want it every day lol. But that would probably even get old and settle into a routine

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sorry bro.

As Jessica Valenti said:

"It also paints a fairly inaccurate - and transactional - picture of female desire. Despite terrible gift books to the contrary, most women don’t get off on men vacuuming or picking up socks (not that there’s anything wrong with those that do). What turns women on is what turns men on: good sex."

Maybe work on improving your technique?

This x1000. I think almost all men fail / refuse to realize that this is the issue, plain and simple. If the sex was great she would be up for it all the time.

Yep. It's really that simple. I know men like to rationalize and come up with other reasons, but that's pretty much it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sorry bro.

As Jessica Valenti said:

"It also paints a fairly inaccurate - and transactional - picture of female desire. Despite terrible gift books to the contrary, most women don’t get off on men vacuuming or picking up socks (not that there’s anything wrong with those that do). What turns women on is what turns men on: good sex."

Maybe work on improving your technique?

This x1000. I think almost all men fail / refuse to realize that this is the issue, plain and simple. If the sex was great she would be up for it all the time.[\

This is not true. All women are different. My wife loves having sex with me. I am not the best lover but I know how to get her off. Every time. But she generally wants sex 2 times a week. I could literally go every day. She will usually have 2 or 3 intense orgasms from manual (usually) or oral (less frequently -- Her choice) then likes to get pounded hard and fast for as long as I can go. Sometimes this will lead to another O but often her uterus is feeling crampy at this point and she doesn't want any more. Also because she likes it rough she needs a few days in between for her vagina to "recover". She will blow me on other days but doesn't want me inside her and doesn't even want manual or oral release even when offered "no strings" ie she doesn't have to reciprocate.

The variations to her feelings on this basically only change up or down based on hormonal fluctuations, stress level, if I've been a dick about something. So I would say even with great sex women won't necessarily always want it

Disclaimer -- if I looked and moved like Channing Tatum maybe she would want it every day lol. But that would probably even get old and settle into a routine

Save it for the explicit forum, dude! TMI.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sorry bro.

As Jessica Valenti said:

"It also paints a fairly inaccurate - and transactional - picture of female desire. Despite terrible gift books to the contrary, most women don’t get off on men vacuuming or picking up socks (not that there’s anything wrong with those that do). What turns women on is what turns men on: good sex."

Maybe work on improving your technique?

This x1000. I think almost all men fail / refuse to realize that this is the issue, plain and simple. If the sex was great she would be up for it all the time.

Yep. It's really that simple. I know men like to rationalize and come up with other reasons, but that's pretty much it.

But there are men acknowledging that fact and asking for specific instruction on how to get better. That is where a woman can take ownership of the situation- tell her partner what he can do differently to be a better lover. That in turn will make the woman a better lover. Hell, if you're not satisfied with sex and you aren't able to effectively communicate with your partner- that makes you a pretty shitty lover. Not sure why so many women fail to grasp this simple concept either.

[Anonymous]

^^not specific instruction from PPs on how to be a better lover, specific instruction from their partner is what would be helpful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm certain my wife spends almost no time thinking about new ways to get me off.

That's because men get off SO easily, it's (literally) become a joke. Why would anyone spend any time thinking about a presumed certainty?

You sound like an amazing and creative lover.