My wife reacts with hostility when I ask for more sex

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^It's not about sex being boring, it's about not getting off during sex. If you were not getting off during sex, no one would blame you for toning it down and not wanting it as often.

Clearly, since OP wants to have sex more often, I am assuming he is getting off each time. If his wife is not, he needs to take steps to bridge that gap.

She can "take steps" too.

The underlying presumption seems to be that if that if the sex is "bad" for her it is entirely the man's fault. But it takes two to tango.

Ultimately, she has just as much of a responsibility to communicate how she feels and what she wants instead of being passive and waiting for her man to magically divine the secrets of her vagina without her help.

Also, men "get off" every time because they don't have the mindset of "waiting for her to give me an orgasm." Men make their own orgasms. Women should learn how to get themselves off and then try to achieve that for themselves during sex, but they don't because they prefer to be passive.

No they don't. They use our bodies to make their orgasms. If I could grab his tongue and use it to climax, I'd do that, but anatomy intervened.

I already know how to get myself off when I'm alone. If I have to do that when I'm having sex with you, then why are you there at all?

If all sex is to you is a means to get an orgasm, then you really ought to be masturbating.

Uh-huh. You bad woman, how dare you expect to get off, shouldn't you be happy just lying there listening to me pant?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

If all sex is to you is a means to get an orgasm, then you really ought to be masturbating.

Uh-huh. You bad woman, how dare you expect to get off, shouldn't you be happy just lying there listening to me pant?

Reading comprehension can be challenging. That was a gender neutral statement. It includes the qualifier all. Orgasms are cool. I like them too. But if you're doing sex solely to get your genitals to spasm, then you're doing it wrong. Masturbation is much more efficient and reliable for this purpose. Have fun with it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

If all sex is to you is a means to get an orgasm, then you really ought to be masturbating.

Uh-huh. You bad woman, how dare you expect to get off, shouldn't you be happy just lying there listening to me pant?

Reading comprehension can be challenging. That was a gender neutral statement. It includes the qualifier all. Orgasms are cool. I like them too. But if you're doing sex solely to get your genitals to spasm, then you're doing it wrong. Masturbation is much more efficient and reliable for this purpose. Have fun with it.

No, you're deflecting. The comment was made in the context of "women should take responsibility for their own orgasms during sex by doing what men are doing." I pointed out that this is anatomically impossible for women. You responded by shaming women for wanting to orgasm during sex. The comment was very clearly addressed to women.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^^ I've asked my wife for more sex without the expectation of physical affection. Pretty much the same as what you said, right?

No, not at all. Because all you're asking about is how to get your needs met without having to meet any of hers. What we're trying to do here is help OP (perhaps that's you, perhaps not) see areas where he might not be meeting her needs, which could be leading the her resentment and unwillingness to meet his. It probably feels unfair to some people to have to extend themselves to meet their spouse's needs without their own needs immediately being met as well, but when you're in a stalemate like OP seems to be, someone has to make the first move to improve things. Since OP is here asking for advice, I'm suggesting he be that person. If a wife were here with this question, I'd make the same general suggestion (how can you meet his needs better so that he's more inclined to meet yours as well).

This is great, but the problem often is the wife is unable to state clearly what those needs are. My wife has gotten much better at this over the years. Men are not mind readers.

I tell my husband what I need all the time. From my conversations with my girlfriends, it sounds like they do too. I need a break once in a while. I need some alone time. I need my husband to do his fair share around the house, or at least not leave his dishes all over the table, socks next to the hamper, towel on the floor, toilet paper roll empty, etc. I'd like to have him ask how my day was once in a while, or show any interest in me or what I do. But none of these happen no matter how often I ask, and then he's mystified that I don't want to have sex later. It's because I've spent all day catering to everyone else's needs and preferences without getting any of mine met, so at bedtime I'm not interested in it once again being all about someone else's needs. I just want to rest and finally take care of myself by having a little downtime. But if I ever say that directly, I'm accused of using sex as a weapon. Which it's not at all, it's not like I'd like to have sex but instead am going to withhold it to get back at him. I'm just literally not even remotely interested most days, and it feels like one more chore on my list and I am spent.

I suspect this is what is going on in many (most?) situations. I'm sorry your husband doesn't "get it." I think I'm much better now than I was even a few years ago, and some of it is me maturing but some is definitely my wife letting me know in no uncertain terms what is going on instead of withdrawing into herself when things get overwhelming, which is what she used to do.

How many on here have read the 5 Love Languages? I think your spouse knowing your love language helps a lot with the "mind reading" on both sides.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

If all sex is to you is a means to get an orgasm, then you really ought to be masturbating.

Uh-huh. You bad woman, how dare you expect to get off, shouldn't you be happy just lying there listening to me pant?

Reading comprehension can be challenging. That was a gender neutral statement. It includes the qualifier all. Orgasms are cool. I like them too. But if you're doing sex solely to get your genitals to spasm, then you're doing it wrong. Masturbation is much more efficient and reliable for this purpose. Have fun with it.

No, you're deflecting. The comment was made in the context of "women should take responsibility for their own orgasms during sex by doing what men are doing." I pointed out that this is anatomically impossible for women. You responded by shaming women for wanting to orgasm during sex. The comment was very clearly addressed to women.

no...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am a wife who has lost interest in sex. With my spouse, at least. He is at best mediocre in bed and is also a giant, repressed prude. He starts with this weird baby talkish thing if he wants sex, or will make some attempting-to-be-funny "sexy" dance. It turns me off instantly. Listen, when I'm trying to bear the thought of having sex with you - because I am NOT interested and you do not satisfy me, ever - please don't add fuel to the anti-sex fire.

I wish I could tell him this, but he has quite possibly the worlds most fragile ego, about EVERYTHING. Commenting on lack of sexual satisfaction would mean he'd never be brave enough to try again for fear of failure.

It's not that I'm not interested in sex. Trust me that there's a coworker I'd nail in a hot second. Mmmmmm.

Oh, this was exactly my situation with my ex-husband. After we divorced, I did nail a hot coworker (or let him nail me, rather). I finally understood why people looked forward to having sex!

OP, I feel for you. Are you making sure that your wife knows you value her for more than the things she does for you? I know I'm a lot more receptive when it feels like my partner wants to be with me-- and that being together might lead to sex, as opposed to-- my partner wants to be with me so we can have sex.

did you never enjoy sex before you were divorced? were you a virgin when you got married?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I tell my husband what I need all the time. From my conversations with my girlfriends, it sounds like they do too. I need a break once in a while. I need some alone time. I need my husband to do his fair share around the house, or at least not leave his dishes all over the table, socks next to the hamper, towel on the floor, toilet paper roll empty, etc. I'd like to have him ask how my day was once in a while, or show any interest in me or what I do. But none of these happen no matter how often I ask, and then he's mystified that I don't want to have sex later. It's because I've spent all day catering to everyone else's needs and preferences without getting any of mine met, so at bedtime I'm not interested in it once again being all about someone else's needs. I just want to rest and finally take care of myself by having a little downtime. But if I ever say that directly, I'm accused of using sex as a weapon. Which it's not at all, it's not like I'd like to have sex but instead am going to withhold it to get back at him. I'm just literally not even remotely interested most days, and it feels like one more chore on my list and I am spent.

My wife feels spent and uninterested in sex even when I do all those things. One of the things is that sex is simply not a priority for her. She's not malicious or trying to hurt my feelings or anything. It just doesn't occur to her unless I bring it up. And, because it's not a priority, if I take the load off by taking care of a lot of the necessities, it's her nature to increase her load by taking on a bunch of discretionary activities. So, I could kill myself with effort, and it wouldn't result in so much free time for her that she felt relaxed and horny. So, I respect your situation, but I think there are more than a few guys who feel like their wife can't be relied upon to make sex a priority no matter how much effort they put into what their wives see as priorities.

What are the discretionary activities? I can't believe you even refer to something in this way. Are you trying to make your wife OWE you sex because you did some chores?
Think of it from her point of view: she doesn't have sex before taking care of her responsibilities. she would rather do a hobby activity than have sex with you.
I feel sorry for her. Do you care about your wife as a person at all? What are the discretionary activities in your mind? Do you realize that sex is an instinctual act? You are clearly not inspiring her. Thank you for doing some chores.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I tell my husband what I need all the time. From my conversations with my girlfriends, it sounds like they do too. I need a break once in a while. I need some alone time. I need my husband to do his fair share around the house, or at least not leave his dishes all over the table, socks next to the hamper, towel on the floor, toilet paper roll empty, etc. I'd like to have him ask how my day was once in a while, or show any interest in me or what I do. But none of these happen no matter how often I ask, and then he's mystified that I don't want to have sex later. It's because I've spent all day catering to everyone else's needs and preferences without getting any of mine met, so at bedtime I'm not interested in it once again being all about someone else's needs. I just want to rest and finally take care of myself by having a little downtime. But if I ever say that directly, I'm accused of using sex as a weapon. Which it's not at all, it's not like I'd like to have sex but instead am going to withhold it to get back at him. I'm just literally not even remotely interested most days, and it feels like one more chore on my list and I am spent.

My wife feels spent and uninterested in sex even when I do all those things. One of the things is that sex is simply not a priority for her. She's not malicious or trying to hurt my feelings or anything. It just doesn't occur to her unless I bring it up. And, because it's not a priority, if I take the load off by taking care of a lot of the necessities, it's her nature to increase her load by taking on a bunch of discretionary activities. So, I could kill myself with effort, and it wouldn't result in so much free time for her that she felt relaxed and horny. So, I respect your situation, but I think there are more than a few guys who feel like their wife can't be relied upon to make sex a priority no matter how much effort they put into what their wives see as priorities.

What are the discretionary activities? I can't believe you even refer to something in this way. Are you trying to make your wife OWE you sex because you did some chores?
Think of it from her point of view: she doesn't have sex before taking care of her responsibilities. she would rather do a hobby activity than have sex with you.
I feel sorry for her. Do you care about your wife as a person at all? What are the discretionary activities in your mind? Do you realize that sex is an instinctual act? You are clearly not inspiring her. Thank you for doing some chores.

Good God I'm glad I'm not married to some of you

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

My wife feels spent and uninterested in sex even when I do all those things. One of the things is that sex is simply not a priority for her. She's not malicious or trying to hurt my feelings or anything. It just doesn't occur to her unless I bring it up. And, because it's not a priority, if I take the load off by taking care of a lot of the necessities, it's her nature to increase her load by taking on a bunch of discretionary activities. So, I could kill myself with effort, and it wouldn't result in so much free time for her that she felt relaxed and horny. So, I respect your situation, but I think there are more than a few guys who feel like their wife can't be relied upon to make sex a priority no matter how much effort they put into what their wives see as priorities.

What are the discretionary activities? I can't believe you even refer to something in this way. Are you trying to make your wife OWE you sex because you did some chores?
Think of it from her point of view: she doesn't have sex before taking care of her responsibilities. she would rather do a hobby activity than have sex with you.
I feel sorry for her. Do you care about your wife as a person at all? What are the discretionary activities in your mind? Do you realize that sex is an instinctual act? You are clearly not inspiring her. Thank you for doing some chores.

I don't get horny because I have too much shit to do.
Oh, cool, let me help with that. There now you have less to do. Let's have sex.
How dare you get in the way of my hobbies! You have to inspire me!

WTF?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I tell my husband what I need all the time. From my conversations with my girlfriends, it sounds like they do too. I need a break once in a while. I need some alone time. I need my husband to do his fair share around the house, or at least not leave his dishes all over the table, socks next to the hamper, towel on the floor, toilet paper roll empty, etc. I'd like to have him ask how my day was once in a while, or show any interest in me or what I do. But none of these happen no matter how often I ask, and then he's mystified that I don't want to have sex later. It's because I've spent all day catering to everyone else's needs and preferences without getting any of mine met, so at bedtime I'm not interested in it once again being all about someone else's needs. I just want to rest and finally take care of myself by having a little downtime. But if I ever say that directly, I'm accused of using sex as a weapon. Which it's not at all, it's not like I'd like to have sex but instead am going to withhold it to get back at him. I'm just literally not even remotely interested most days, and it feels like one more chore on my list and I am spent.

My wife feels spent and uninterested in sex even when I do all those things. One of the things is that sex is simply not a priority for her. She's not malicious or trying to hurt my feelings or anything. It just doesn't occur to her unless I bring it up. And, because it's not a priority, if I take the load off by taking care of a lot of the necessities, it's her nature to increase her load by taking on a bunch of discretionary activities. So, I could kill myself with effort, and it wouldn't result in so much free time for her that she felt relaxed and horny. So, I respect your situation, but I think there are more than a few guys who feel like their wife can't be relied upon to make sex a priority no matter how much effort they put into what their wives see as priorities.

What are the discretionary activities? I can't believe you even refer to something in this way. Are you trying to make your wife OWE you sex because you did some chores?
Think of it from her point of view: she doesn't have sex before taking care of her responsibilities. she would rather do a hobby activity than have sex with you.
I feel sorry for her. Do you care about your wife as a person at all? What are the discretionary activities in your mind? Do you realize that sex is an instinctual act? You are clearly not inspiring her. Thank you for doing some chores.

Good God I'm glad I'm not married to some of you

No kidding.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

My wife feels spent and uninterested in sex even when I do all those things. One of the things is that sex is simply not a priority for her. She's not malicious or trying to hurt my feelings or anything. It just doesn't occur to her unless I bring it up. And, because it's not a priority, if I take the load off by taking care of a lot of the necessities, it's her nature to increase her load by taking on a bunch of discretionary activities. So, I could kill myself with effort, and it wouldn't result in so much free time for her that she felt relaxed and horny. So, I respect your situation, but I think there are more than a few guys who feel like their wife can't be relied upon to make sex a priority no matter how much effort they put into what their wives see as priorities.

What are the discretionary activities? I can't believe you even refer to something in this way. Are you trying to make your wife OWE you sex because you did some chores?
Think of it from her point of view: she doesn't have sex before taking care of her responsibilities. she would rather do a hobby activity than have sex with you.
I feel sorry for her. Do you care about your wife as a person at all? What are the discretionary activities in your mind? Do you realize that sex is an instinctual act? You are clearly not inspiring her. Thank you for doing some chores.

These women simply have moving goal posts. They don't ever want to have sex (with their husbands), so they keep pretending there's stuff to do. If you help them with stuff, then you are accused of feeling entitled to sex. It's a losing argument and you'd just be dipping into or tasting some other guy anyway.

I don't get horny because I have too much shit to do.
Oh, cool, let me help with that. There now you have less to do. Let's have sex.
How dare you get in the way of my hobbies! You have to inspire me!

WTF?

[Anonymous]

Well she has no legit reason to get mad at you.

I mean, you are her husband. It is reasonable and to be expected that you are going to want to have sex with your wife from time to time.

I don't see what her beef is with that. Weird.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

These women simply have moving goal posts. They don't ever want to have sex (with their husbands), so they keep pretending there's stuff to do. If you help them with stuff, then you are accused of feeling entitled to sex. It's a losing argument and you'd just be dipping into or tasting some other guy anyway.

I don't get horny because I have too much shit to do.
Oh, cool, let me help with that. There now you have less to do. Let's have sex.
How dare you get in the way of my hobbies! You have to inspire me!

While I don't agree with the tone of this post, I actually agree with the point being made. I am the DW who posted a list at beginning of this thread. There were a lot of things going on that killed my sex drive, like hormones from being constantly breastfeeding/pregnant the last 4 years, we didn't date long before I got pregnant, and I was a young mom and really struggled with proving myself as a good mom and felt I needed to not be too sexual, so all of that was a struggle. For a few years we had really lame sex where I just wasn't into it, and I kept asking him for different things: help with chores, approach me differently, etc, but honestly none of that worked.

I realized at one point that it was a total moving target and I couldn't keep blaming him. When I took my sexuality into my own hands and started doing things that made me feel good about myself. I let go of my my mommy guilt, started embracing my kinkier side, and made a conscious effort to increase my libido and get excited about my husband. I also started opening up to him more sexually and telling him fantasies and being more explicit about my likes and dislikes, giving him some reading and directions to help him improve. We are now having better sex than we ever did before, but it really did take me taking things into my own hands.

I suspect for a lot of women it is a moving target and they really are unaware of what they're doING and how important it is that they make sex a priority. I also have a husband who is appreciative, giving and contributes a lot around the house, if I were married to some of these dipshits that do nothing around the house we wouldn't have lasted a year.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

These women simply have moving goal posts. They don't ever want to have sex (with their husbands), so they keep pretending there's stuff to do. If you help them with stuff, then you are accused of feeling entitled to sex. It's a losing argument and you'd just be dipping into or tasting some other guy anyway.

I don't get horny because I have too much shit to do.
Oh, cool, let me help with that. There now you have less to do. Let's have sex.
How dare you get in the way of my hobbies! You have to inspire me!

While I don't agree with the tone of this post, I actually agree with the point being made. I am the DW who posted a list at beginning of this thread. There were a lot of things going on that killed my sex drive, like hormones from being constantly breastfeeding/pregnant the last 4 years, we didn't date long before I got pregnant, and I was a young mom and really struggled with proving myself as a good mom and felt I needed to not be too sexual, so all of that was a struggle. For a few years we had really lame sex where I just wasn't into it, and I kept asking him for different things: help with chores, approach me differently, etc, but honestly none of that worked.

I realized at one point that it was a total moving target and I couldn't keep blaming him. When I took my sexuality into my own hands and started doing things that made me feel good about myself. I let go of my my mommy guilt, started embracing my kinkier side, and made a conscious effort to increase my libido and get excited about my husband. I also started opening up to him more sexually and telling him fantasies and being more explicit about my likes and dislikes, giving him some reading and directions to help him improve. We are now having better sex than we ever did before, but it really did take me taking things into my own hands.

I suspect for a lot of women it is a moving target and they really are unaware of what they're doING and how important it is that they make sex a priority. I also have a husband who is appreciative, giving and contributes a lot around the house, if I were married to some of these dipshits that do nothing around the house we wouldn't have lasted a year.

Great post. Thanks for sharing that.

[Anonymous]

We haven't had sex since Wednesday. I mentioned it to my husband this afternoon, and he said it'll have to be tomorrow night because he wants to watch Walking Dead and some other show tonight. So, I'll take care of myself, like I do almost every weekend, while I wonder why I got stuck with one of the few men who doesn't seem constantly horny. Such a bummer.