My wife reacts with hostility when I ask for more sex

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There's nothing more to it than that.

Ha, yeah right OP, yeah right.

+1

There is ALWAYS more to it.

x2. The ones who deny this are usually the worst partners.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ugh, asking for sex it a huge turn-off.

So a woman can just withhold sex altogether and then, when the guy has tried everything and is at his wits' end, he starts a conversation about it, then she gets to say that asking for sex is a turnoff?

Men get a lot in this world, but I'm not sure it's worth this price.

There are tons of husbands and wives out there who have plenty of sex.

If you aren't, it's not a problem with MEN and WOMEN being a certain way. It is a problem with you and your partner. One or both of you needs to work on solving the issue. Women don't owe men sex and men don't owe women money or a house or something. That's transactional and it basically reduces marriages to prostitutes and johns. Marriage is a partnership and both people need the other to consider them and work on building happiness and mutual satisfaction. Again, if this is not working in your marriage, then you need to seek a therapist for help, not blame 50% of the population for some strawman behavior.

TL;DR: just because you're not getting any doesn't mean you should go full misogynist

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sorry bro.

As Jessica Valenti said:

"It also paints a fairly inaccurate - and transactional - picture of female desire. Despite terrible gift books to the contrary, most women don’t get off on men vacuuming or picking up socks (not that there’s anything wrong with those that do). What turns women on is what turns men on: good sex."

Maybe work on improving your technique?

This. Men always think they're good in bed. News flash - you aren't all good in bed. I had a conversation with my husband about this when he asked for more sex. I basically told them that as soon as he remembers I'm even in the room at the time I'll consider it. Since we got married, his level of effort went waaaaay down. Therefore, so did mine.

Yep. Men really dont think about female desire. Which is probably why lesbians report having a hugely more satisfying sex life than hetero women. Lots of men love to go on and on about how much they love sex and want more, but aren't willing to do the work to get better at it and become a more enticing partner. It's really contradictory.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ugh, asking for sex it a huge turn-off.

So a woman can just withhold sex altogether and then, when the guy has tried everything and is at his wits' end, he starts a conversation about it, then she gets to say that asking for sex is a turnoff?

Men get a lot in this world, but I'm not sure it's worth this price.

There are tons of husbands and wives out there who have plenty of sex.

If you aren't, it's not a problem with MEN and WOMEN being a certain way. It is a problem with you and your partner. One or both of you needs to work on solving the issue. Women don't owe men sex and men don't owe women money or a house or something. That's transactional and it basically reduces marriages to prostitutes and johns. Marriage is a partnership and both people need the other to consider them and work on building happiness and mutual satisfaction. Again, if this is not working in your marriage, then you need to seek a therapist for help, not blame 50% of the population for some strawman behavior.

TL;DR: just because you're not getting any doesn't mean you should go full misogynist

EXACTLY. Clapping for the accuracy of this statement.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DW here. I react the same way. What do you want from me now? I'm exhausted and kids are barely in bed. I've been running them nonstop since school got out and haven't had a moment to pee by myself. Just leave me alone and let me have some peace.

+1. Now talk to me in 30 min or so or on Saturday morn while kids watch TV...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous Yep. Men really dont think about female desire. Which is probably why lesbians report having a hugely more satisfying sex life than hetero women. Lots of men love to go on and on about how much they love sex and want more, but aren't willing to do the work to get better at it and become a more enticing partner. It's really contradictory. [/quote wrote:

Ever heard of Lesbian Bed Death?

Anyway, tell me what work I need to do, and I'll do it. I've asked my wife this question repeatedly. She refuses to answer. She says it's all her. Just wait, she says, she'll come around. It's like waiting for Godot.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous Yep. Men really dont think about female desire. Which is probably why lesbians report having a hugely more satisfying sex life than hetero women. Lots of men love to go on and on about how much they love sex and want more, but aren't willing to do the work to get better at it and become a more enticing partner. It's really contradictory. [/quote wrote:

Ever heard of Lesbian Bed Death?

Anyway, tell me what work I need to do, and I'll do it. I've asked my wife this question repeatedly. She refuses to answer. She says it's all her. Just wait, she says, she'll come around. It's like waiting for Godot.

Stop being a selfish asshole only concerned with transactional sex. Consider her perspective. Become better in bed.

You have gotten all these answers so far, they just aren't the ones you want to hear.

[Anonymous]

^Excuse my french. But it is frustrating dealing with someone who seems so unable to own his own shit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There's nothing more to it than that. She's not angry that I'm doing, or not doing, anything else. And she's not angry because she feels that we have enough sex. She couldn't reasonably feel that way since we have sex so pathetically infrequently. She's just mad because she doesn't want to have sex and I do. That makes me mad too, but getting angry with her about it isn't going to solve anything. I'd like to have a conversation with her about that subject without the hostility.

Maybe try having a conversation about it, rather than just "asking for more sex." Have you told her how the lack of intimacy makes you feel? Have you asked if there's anything that you can do to help get her in the mood? I'm not saying that those things are the be-all and end-all of the issue, but in my experience, talking about how you feel, rather than blaming her or demonizing her ("I feel sad because I want to connect with you that way") is more helpful than kvetching about it not being enough. Figure out what the root of the problem is.

[Anonymous]

Time to outsource your needs, dude.

[Anonymous]

DW here, this has been an issue in our marriage we are working on. I don't get upset if we are discussing our sex life and how to improve it, but if he specifically asks me for more sex it is a huge turn off and makes it feel like another chore to add to my infinite to do list. Here are some things that have helped my libido and our sex life:
Excersize
Going out and flirting with other guys (read some of the latest research on women and monogomy)
Sex questions game: take turns asking questions like what's your favorite sex memmory with your spouse, what's a fantasy you've never told me etc
Bringing more kink into our relationship (dirty texts, sex toys, light bondage etc)

If you had told me I'd be doing this stuff 3 months ago I would have laughed, my sex drive was turned OFF, I've realized the secret to improving things for me is novelty (things had gotten stale) and teaching my husband how to be better in bed, because he'll put a lot of effort in, but wasn't that good and didn't know what I liked. Of course this will sort of need to be driven by her and if she won't even talk about it I'm not sure where to start. Maybe give her a REALLY good experience like long massage with oils before, take your time kissing and enjoying every part of her, eat her out like it's the best thing you've ever tasted, when you're done and she's satisfied, broach the topic like this "You know I've been wanting to have sex more frequently and I'd like to know how I can pleasure you better" then bring up the question game or something else so that you can have an ongoing conversation about sex focuses on her pleasure and not you whining. Not sure if this would work for other women, but it has completely transformed our marriage. Good luck!

[Anonymous]

How about starting out the conversation about how the two of you could improve your marriage. Ask her for some examples of things you could do for her that would improve the marriage. Ideally, you can then offer some suggestions (more sex) that would improve the marriage for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous Yep. Men really dont think about female desire. Which is probably why lesbians report having a hugely more satisfying sex life than hetero women. Lots of men love to go on and on about how much they love sex and want more, but aren't willing to do the work to get better at it and become a more enticing partner. It's really contradictory. [/quote wrote:

Ever heard of Lesbian Bed Death?

Anyway, tell me what work I need to do, and I'll do it. I've asked my wife this question repeatedly. She refuses to answer. She says it's all her. Just wait, she says, she'll come around. It's like waiting for Godot.

Stop being a selfish asshole only concerned with transactional sex. Consider her perspective. Become better in bed.

You have gotten all these answers so far, they just aren't the ones you want to hear.

Wrong, wrong, and wrong. Stop projecting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Time to outsource your needs, dude.

Knock yourself out. Just dont act surprised or offended when your wife files for divorce.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous Yep. Men really dont think about female desire. Which is probably why lesbians report having a hugely more satisfying sex life than hetero women. Lots of men love to go on and on about how much they love sex and want more, but aren't willing to do the work to get better at it and become a more enticing partner. It's really contradictory. [/quote wrote:

Ever heard of Lesbian Bed Death?

Anyway, tell me what work I need to do, and I'll do it. I've asked my wife this question repeatedly. She refuses to answer. She says it's all her. Just wait, she says, she'll come around. It's like waiting for Godot.

Stop being a selfish asshole only concerned with transactional sex. Consider her perspective. Become better in bed.

You have gotten all these answers so far, they just aren't the ones you want to hear.

Wrong, wrong, and wrong. Stop projecting.

No one is projecting. Statistics dont lie. The majority of hetero women are left sexually unsatisfied.

If you were great in bed, your wife would want it more. Full stop. Sometimes the simplest answer is the correct one. I know it's an ego blow, but being angry about that wont change it.