My wife reacts with hostility when I ask for more sex

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's hard to improve your technique when your wife won't communicate with you about that.

It's not rocket science how to entice/seduce a woman: thoughtful conversation, sincere compliment, passing touch, gentle intentional touch, another sincere compliment (not "you make me horny, more like "I love how your hair curls" and touch the curl then the face, my be closer, warm breath on her cheek, and so on. She should not have to coach you.

In a perfect world, your partner would know exactly what you want and need. But the fact that you refer to it as "coaching" rather than openly communicating with your spouse about your wants and desires is telling. You want a guy to be able to read your mind. I'm telling you that in many cases- we can't. If the sex is infrequent and unsatisfying- then he needs guidance and he needs to be willing to follow through.

Again- he may be a lousy lover. But if you can't tell him what you want and need- you're a lousy lover too. No wonder the sex sucks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

What your suggesting is essentially infrequent trial-and-error by one partner without guidance from the other. You gave us "affection, touching, cuddling, etc" as the keys to your vagina

no - what I'm suggesting is that you think of her body as more than just her vagina.

That's a pretty nebulous instruction. Again- most guys would appreciate "please do this more..." and they should be willing to do it. You're basically asking a guy to read her mind in regards to specific actions.

Is it really that hard to acknowledge that a woman bears some responsibility for expressly stating what gets her going?

I think you're missing the point here. You're still thinking of it in terms of what will turn her on and get her off, and thus get you more sex -- so you're still focused on the vagina. You need to focus on her as a person, and for many women, that includes showing affection that has nothing to do with sex. I'm there with my husband right now, I've explicitly asked him for more physical affection that has nothing to do with sex. What I get instead is physical affection, and then the expectation that we'll have sex that night. If my husband gives me a hug when he gets home from work or holds my hand while we watch tv, I know he'll be looking for sex later. Which means I really don't enjoy the physical affection he's giving me, because it comes with demands and expectations rather than being freely given because of how it makes me feel.

So you tell him what you want, he does it, and you resent that he wants to fuck you?

I don't think it should be paint-by-numbers, that if he does X,Y,Z you should be obligated to have sex. It should be fine to do those things and not have sex all the time. But if you told me that you like X,Y,Z and I did them several times without sex- it'd make me frustrated and wonder what else I have to do for things to move in the right direction.

But its a mixed message you're sending if you ask him to show affection, he does it, and you get pissed because he wants to have sex. IMO- it doesn't seem like you really want to have sex more often and are looking for reasons to shoot him down.

[Anonymous]

From the "Obtuse Husband" thread. It applies in and out of the bedroom.

Anonymous wrote:It dawned on me a couple of years into my relationship w/ my now husband that he would do almost anything I asked him to do, if it was within his power.

The trick was that I had to ask VERY specifically for what I wanted. I cannot assume he will connect the dots, I cannot assume he will reach what seem like logical conclusions to me, and I absolutely cannot expect him to just figure things out - no matter how many unbelievably obvious hints I give.

Seriously, the bigger issue is in my ability to simply be very clear and direct about what I want. It's surprisingly hard, but amazingly effective when I manage it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

What your suggesting is essentially infrequent trial-and-error by one partner without guidance from the other. You gave us "affection, touching, cuddling, etc" as the keys to your vagina

no - what I'm suggesting is that you think of her body as more than just her vagina.

That's a pretty nebulous instruction. Again- most guys would appreciate "please do this more..." and they should be willing to do it. You're basically asking a guy to read her mind in regards to specific actions.

Is it really that hard to acknowledge that a woman bears some responsibility for expressly stating what gets her going?

I think you're missing the point here. You're still thinking of it in terms of what will turn her on and get her off, and thus get you more sex -- so you're still focused on the vagina. You need to focus on her as a person, and for many women, that includes showing affection that has nothing to do with sex. I'm there with my husband right now, I've explicitly asked him for more physical affection that has nothing to do with sex. What I get instead is physical affection, and then the expectation that we'll have sex that night. If my husband gives me a hug when he gets home from work or holds my hand while we watch tv, I know he'll be looking for sex later. Which means I really don't enjoy the physical affection he's giving me, because it comes with demands and expectations rather than being freely given because of how it makes me feel.

So you tell him what you want, he does it, and you resent that he wants to fuck you?

I don't think it should be paint-by-numbers, that if he does X,Y,Z you should be obligated to have sex. It should be fine to do those things and not have sex all the time. But if you told me that you like X,Y,Z and I did them several times without sex- it'd make me frustrated and wonder what else I have to do for things to move in the right direction.

But its a mixed message you're sending if you ask him to show affection, he does it, and you get pissed because he wants to have sex. IMO- it doesn't seem like you really want to have sex more often and are looking for reasons to shoot him down.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

What your suggesting is essentially infrequent trial-and-error by one partner without guidance from the other. You gave us "affection, touching, cuddling, etc" as the keys to your vagina

no - what I'm suggesting is that you think of her body as more than just her vagina.

That's a pretty nebulous instruction. Again- most guys would appreciate "please do this more..." and they should be willing to do it. You're basically asking a guy to read her mind in regards to specific actions.

Is it really that hard to acknowledge that a woman bears some responsibility for expressly stating what gets her going?

I think you're missing the point here. You're still thinking of it in terms of what will turn her on and get her off, and thus get you more sex -- so you're still focused on the vagina. You need to focus on her as a person, and for many women, that includes showing affection that has nothing to do with sex. I'm there with my husband right now, I've explicitly asked him for more physical affection that has nothing to do with sex. What I get instead is physical affection, and then the expectation that we'll have sex that night. If my husband gives me a hug when he gets home from work or holds my hand while we watch tv, I know he'll be looking for sex later. Which means I really don't enjoy the physical affection he's giving me, because it comes with demands and expectations rather than being freely given because of how it makes me feel.

So you tell him what you want, he does it, and you resent that he wants to fuck you?

I don't think it should be paint-by-numbers, that if he does X,Y,Z you should be obligated to have sex. It should be fine to do those things and not have sex all the time. But if you told me that you like X,Y,Z and I did them several times without sex- it'd make me frustrated and wonder what else I have to do for things to move in the right direction.

But its a mixed message you're sending if you ask him to show affection, he does it, and you get pissed because he wants to have sex. IMO- it doesn't seem like you really want to have sex more often and are looking for reasons to shoot him down.

No, what I want is for him to meet my needs because he loves me and wants me to be happy, not throw some crumbs at my needs in order to get sex. Believe me, there's nothing loving about that.

I read this thread and I can't help but wonder why you all want more sex with your wives. If it's just about orgasms, you can get some online porn and get yourself off. Is it about wanting intimacy with your wives? I supposed it might be, but it doesn't sound like it when it seems like you resent the hell out of being asked to do anything for her to actually foster that intimacy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

What your suggesting is essentially infrequent trial-and-error by one partner without guidance from the other. You gave us "affection, touching, cuddling, etc" as the keys to your vagina

no - what I'm suggesting is that you think of her body as more than just her vagina.

That's a pretty nebulous instruction. Again- most guys would appreciate "please do this more..." and they should be willing to do it. You're basically asking a guy to read her mind in regards to specific actions.

Is it really that hard to acknowledge that a woman bears some responsibility for expressly stating what gets her going?

I think you're missing the point here. You're still thinking of it in terms of what will turn her on and get her off, and thus get you more sex -- so you're still focused on the vagina. You need to focus on her as a person, and for many women, that includes showing affection that has nothing to do with sex. I'm there with my husband right now, I've explicitly asked him for more physical affection that has nothing to do with sex. What I get instead is physical affection, and then the expectation that we'll have sex that night. If my husband gives me a hug when he gets home from work or holds my hand while we watch tv, I know he'll be looking for sex later. Which means I really don't enjoy the physical affection he's giving me, because it comes with demands and expectations rather than being freely given because of how it makes me feel.

So you tell him what you want, he does it, and you resent that he wants to fuck you?

I don't think it should be paint-by-numbers, that if he does X,Y,Z you should be obligated to have sex. It should be fine to do those things and not have sex all the time. But if you told me that you like X,Y,Z and I did them several times without sex- it'd make me frustrated and wonder what else I have to do for things to move in the right direction.

But its a mixed message you're sending if you ask him to show affection, he does it, and you get pissed because he wants to have sex. IMO- it doesn't seem like you really want to have sex more often and are looking for reasons to shoot him down.

No, what I want is for him to meet my needs because he loves me and wants me to be happy, not throw some crumbs at my needs in order to get sex. Believe me, there's nothing loving about that.

I read this thread and I can't help but wonder why you all want more sex with your wives. If it's just about orgasms, you can get some online porn and get yourself off. Is it about wanting intimacy with your wives? I supposed it might be, but it doesn't sound like it when it seems like you resent the hell out of being asked to do anything for her to actually foster that intimacy.

To put it in more concrete terms, I would like it if he showed affection just once without wanting sex within a few hours. Just once.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No, what I want is for him to meet my needs because he loves me and wants me to be happy, not throw some crumbs at my needs in order to get sex. Believe me, there's nothing loving about that.

I read this thread and I can't help but wonder why you all want more sex with your wives. If it's just about orgasms, you can get some online porn and get yourself off. Is it about wanting intimacy with your wives? I supposed it might be, but it doesn't sound like it when it seems like you resent the hell out of being asked to do anything for her to actually foster that intimacy.

It is about far more than a simple orgasm- at least for me. I love the feeling of intimacy with my wife. I love feeling her body against mine. I love the arousal I feel when we do certain, specific things together (keeping this non-explicit). From reading your posts- you've got quite a bit of anger and resentment going on. Seriously. Maybe your husband only wants to get his rocks off and use you as a receptacle. But don't project YOUR shit on the rest of mankind. Please.

As far as "throwing crumbs"- if your marriage is unsatisfying for both of you, maybe a good first step is throwing a few crumbs each others' way. It seems to me- and this is an assumption- that you expect your husband to completely change the way he thinks about you and change his entire motivation for sex before you'll consider changing the way you view sex and intimacy. You've said that he will give you a hug when he gets home and holds your hand while watching t.v. yet you know he'll want sex later so you can't enjoy the attention intended to meet your needs. Maybe you need to fix what's inside of YOUR head instead of his.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:To put it in more concrete terms, I would like it if he showed affection just once without wanting sex within a few hours. Just once.

I think that is a very fair expectation for you to have of him. Have you clearly communicated to him that you'd like a night of cuddling without any expectation of sex later?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No, what I want is for him to meet my needs because he loves me and wants me to be happy, not throw some crumbs at my needs in order to get sex. Believe me, there's nothing loving about that.

I read this thread and I can't help but wonder why you all want more sex with your wives. If it's just about orgasms, you can get some online porn and get yourself off. Is it about wanting intimacy with your wives? I supposed it might be, but it doesn't sound like it when it seems like you resent the hell out of being asked to do anything for her to actually foster that intimacy.

It is about far more than a simple orgasm- at least for me. I love the feeling of intimacy with my wife. I love feeling her body against mine. I love the arousal I feel when we do certain, specific things together (keeping this non-explicit). From reading your posts- you've got quite a bit of anger and resentment going on. Seriously. Maybe your husband only wants to get his rocks off and use you as a receptacle. But don't project YOUR shit on the rest of mankind. Please.

As far as "throwing crumbs"- if your marriage is unsatisfying for both of you, maybe a good first step is throwing a few crumbs each others' way. It seems to me- and this is an assumption- that you expect your husband to completely change the way he thinks about you and change his entire motivation for sex before you'll consider changing the way you view sex and intimacy. You've said that he will give you a hug when he gets home and holds your hand while watching t.v. yet you know he'll want sex later so you can't enjoy the attention intended to meet your needs. Maybe you need to fix what's inside of YOUR head instead of his.

I didn't project my shit on the rest of mankind, I was addressing the people here who say they want more sex with their wives, but seem to resent the idea of her needs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I tell my husband what I need all the time. From my conversations with my girlfriends, it sounds like they do too. I need a break once in a while. I need some alone time. I need my husband to do his fair share around the house, or at least not leave his dishes all over the table, socks next to the hamper, towel on the floor, toilet paper roll empty, etc. I'd like to have him ask how my day was once in a while, or show any interest in me or what I do. But none of these happen no matter how often I ask, and then he's mystified that I don't want to have sex later. It's because I've spent all day catering to everyone else's needs and preferences without getting any of mine met, so at bedtime I'm not interested in it once again being all about someone else's needs. I just want to rest and finally take care of myself by having a little downtime. But if I ever say that directly, I'm accused of using sex as a weapon. Which it's not at all, it's not like I'd like to have sex but instead am going to withhold it to get back at him. I'm just literally not even remotely interested most days, and it feels like one more chore on my list and I am spent.

My wife feels spent and uninterested in sex even when I do all those things. One of the things is that sex is simply not a priority for her. She's not malicious or trying to hurt my feelings or anything. It just doesn't occur to her unless I bring it up. And, because it's not a priority, if I take the load off by taking care of a lot of the necessities, it's her nature to increase her load by taking on a bunch of discretionary activities. So, I could kill myself with effort, and it wouldn't result in so much free time for her that she felt relaxed and horny. So, I respect your situation, but I think there are more than a few guys who feel like their wife can't be relied upon to make sex a priority no matter how much effort they put into what their wives see as priorities.

What are these discretionary activities? My sex drive is in the toilet these days, and I know a whole lot of that is because I've gained weight and gotten out of shape, so I don't feel as physically comfortable, and I feel way too body conscious to enjoy sex. If my husband took things off my plate, I'd probably throw that time and energy into losing weight and exercising more, and so he'd probably see me spending a lot of that newfound time running and looking up new recipes. That might feel to him like the same kind of discretionary activities you're talking about and he might not see the connection, but there is one. He's helping me so I can put more energy into the things that I hope will help me increase my sex drive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What are these discretionary activities? My sex drive is in the toilet these days, and I know a whole lot of that is because I've gained weight and gotten out of shape, so I don't feel as physically comfortable, and I feel way too body conscious to enjoy sex. If my husband took things off my plate, I'd probably throw that time and energy into losing weight and exercising more, and so he'd probably see me spending a lot of that newfound time running and looking up new recipes. That might feel to him like the same kind of discretionary activities you're talking about and he might not see the connection, but there is one. He's helping me so I can put more energy into the things that I hope will help me increase my sex drive.

Although I'm not the PP to whom you responded, I know exactly what he meant by discretionary activities. Basically this is any form of exhausting/fatiguing/non-relaxing domestic work that is above/beyond a reasonable level. For example, either childcare or cleaning house are essentially infinite workloads if you allow this. The PP was stating that many women simply have no OFF switch and that even if there were an army of workers helping with every task, she would continue to find more work or follow behind and do the job better/differently.

Stop getting out of shape! Eat right, and exercise! Whatever it is that keeps you from this, do less of that. Of course, he should be doing his fair share and help take things off your plate, and I'm not making any excuses for him if he's not doing a reasonable share of a reasonable workload. But is your plate actually the right size in the first place? Are you taking on more than is actually needed and/or reasonable? Are the opportunities to "outsource" some tasks? These are all perfectly valid ways for you to not be completely drained, to take care of yourself (lose weight) and to have proper energy for a proper sexlife.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

What your suggesting is essentially infrequent trial-and-error by one partner without guidance from the other. You gave us "affection, touching, cuddling, etc" as the keys to your vagina

no - what I'm suggesting is that you think of her body as more than just her vagina.

That's a pretty nebulous instruction. Again- most guys would appreciate "please do this more..." and they should be willing to do it. You're basically asking a guy to read her mind in regards to specific actions.

Is it really that hard to acknowledge that a woman bears some responsibility for expressly stating what gets her going?

I think you're missing the point here. You're still thinking of it in terms of what will turn her on and get her off, and thus get you more sex -- so you're still focused on the vagina. You need to focus on her as a person, and for many women, that includes showing affection that has nothing to do with sex. I'm there with my husband right now, I've explicitly asked him for more physical affection that has nothing to do with sex. What I get instead is physical affection, and then the expectation that we'll have sex that night. If my husband gives me a hug when he gets home from work or holds my hand while we watch tv, I know he'll be looking for sex later. Which means I really don't enjoy the physical affection he's giving me, because it comes with demands and expectations rather than being freely given because of how it makes me feel.

So you tell him what you want, he does it, and you resent that he wants to fuck you?

I don't think it should be paint-by-numbers, that if he does X,Y,Z you should be obligated to have sex. It should be fine to do those things and not have sex all the time. But if you told me that you like X,Y,Z and I did them several times without sex- it'd make me frustrated and wonder what else I have to do for things to move in the right direction.

But its a mixed message you're sending if you ask him to show affection, he does it, and you get pissed because he wants to have sex. IMO- it doesn't seem like you really want to have sex more often and are looking for reasons to shoot him down.

No, what I want is for him to meet my needs because he loves me and wants me to be happy, not throw some crumbs at my needs in order to get sex. Believe me, there's nothing loving about that.

I read this thread and I can't help but wonder why you all want more sex with your wives. If it's just about orgasms, you can get some online porn and get yourself off. Is it about wanting intimacy with your wives? I supposed it might be, but it doesn't sound like it when it seems like you resent the hell out of being asked to do anything for her to actually foster that intimacy.

To put it in more concrete terms, I would like it if he showed affection just once without wanting sex within a few hours. Just once.

He'd probably like it if you wanted to have sex with him just once without him having to earn it by showing you affection hours before. Just once.

[Anonymous]

When did women start hating sex so much? And why didn't they tell us this before we married them?

[Anonymous]

I love sex! Just not with you.

[Anonymous]

Why'd you marry him then?