WWYD? We hate the name of our foster-to-adopt child

[Anonymous]

Oh, forget all the crap about that is all she owns. Why do these people want her to be a laughing stock at school? Children can be cruel even without an excuse.

[Anonymous]

OP, it's too bad you don't feel you can share the current name. I think it'd have been a better use of the DCUM hive mind to develop better versions of it you can use in everyday life that wouldn't get comments but would still retain a connection to the name, as that one pp did a few pages back.

I wonder if the name is really all that bad, people's comments aside (it's sort of like sharing names when you're pregnant, people feel they have a right to comment in a way they don't dare when there is an actual baby with that name in front of them). I have what is generally considered to be a stripper name, although the spelling is normal. No way my mom could have predicted what was going to happen to that particular name given where it was in the 70s, and in a thread last year about stripper names when people posted names of actual strippers, it didn't really come up. As an adult I worried about it, and maybe people judge my resume for my first name, but the "PhD" part outweighs that, know what I mean? It IS a class issue and legit for you to consider it, and I think you should disregard posters who see this as black and white.

As for whether a crack whore who had a baby in prison is someone you want to say nice things about, I can see where you are coming from, but the child will feel more and more linked to her birth mother over time. My sister works with foster kids and says that what's striking to her always is that no matter how incredibly crappy a parent a kid has, the kid loves the parent. Period. Someday you will deal with your daughter who will love this parent. You will never be able to make her stop loving her own mother even if she never met her. But what else will she feel about the parent because of you? You should plan that answer out now. It would be really unfortunate if because of your signals she also hated the parent for how she gave her her start in life. That's a lot harder to deal with in combination with love than, say, pitying the parent her hard life, or forgiving her for doing the best she could with what she was given.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oh please. It's a crying shame to be a drug-addicted prostitute. There aren't too many nice spins to put on that one.

It sucks, for sure. But it sucks a lot more for her than it does for you, so why so nasty about it? Demonstrate compassion.

My daughter's birth mom has had a complicated life. No addiction, that I know of, but if I wanted to, I could put a pretty negative spin on her circumstances. But I don't judge her for her situation, anyone discussing it with me will know I don't judge her for it, and I don't stand for others saying judgmental things about her.

I don't even know what you are saying. what does judging mean? Are you talking about her soul or something? Of course we are not in a position to judge someone on that level. But are you really saying not to judge a drug addicted prostitute who gives birth in prison? Like, we're not supposed to say this is bad because it might hurt someone's feelings? Because saying it's bad is a judgment? Makes no sense.

I mean don't judge. You weren't in her shoes, you don't know what pressures drove her to be there. Maybe prostitution was, in all seriousness, the best option available to her.

Cancer is bad -- but if someone can't parent because of cancer, we don't judge, because we think of it as something that happened to her, not something she wished for. However her mom wound up an addict, and whatever circumstances made her feel prostitution was her best option, I can almost guarantee you it's not an outcome she wished for. "Not judging" = think of it like cancer; a shitty place she found herself, as opposed to evidence of her poor character.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: I highly doubt we'll be talking much about her birth mother
but I will not lie - she was most certainly not a good person
She has zero memory of her birth mother.

a) She may or may not talk with you her birth family. She'll be more likely to talk about it with you if you seem welcoming of the conversation. If she doesn't feel she can talk to you about it, she might form incorrect perceptions about her birth mom or idealize her. Talking is usually better.

b) I'd encourage you to live a bit more in the gray areas of life--can people be all "good" or "bad"? Do people just do good/bad things or find themselves in good/bad situations? The more compassion you can show to your child about her birth mom, the more compassion she'll be able to show to herself when she feels bad about herself or something she did. A lot of adoptive kids feel like they were "bad" and that's why they didn't stay with their birth families. In this case of course it sounds like there were tons of other reasons, but a little kid can still feel pretty guilty, scared, and ashamed.

c) Just because she doesn't remember her birth mom (and who knows how accurate that is) doesn't mean she won't ever be curious about her. She might even be more curious as a result of being separated so early.

[Anonymous]

http://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/1yp5je/in_your_opinion_what_is_the_worst_name_a_parent/

Lol

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Oh, forget all the crap about that is all she owns. Why do these people want her to be a laughing stock at school? Children can be cruel even without an excuse.

Yeah, they can be. But kids don't have association of trailer parks and strippers to go with names. They don't lay all this baggage over a simple name. It's the ugly adults who do it.,

[Anonymous]

Keep the name. She is young enough that perhaps you can modify the spelling and/or call her by a nickname. If you change the name, that is definitely something that some kids will look back at a wonder/feel bad about. When the kid is older, they can decide what they want to be called - you are giving them a true gift by accepting them as they are and giving them agency...

[Anonymous]

I wonder if the "true gift by accepting them as they are and "giving them agency" people are the same ones who would take the new child to a restaurant and let them order everything on the menu because "poor thing, she's been through such a hard time". There are adoptive parents who take the spoiling approach--and if you talk to the parents of those kids once they hit their teens, they will tell you what a bad idea that was. I don't consider keeping the kid's name to be "spoiling" by any means---but it is the super-deferential attitude towards anything that might upset the child that I find disturbing.

Bottom line OP, is that once this adoption is finalized, YOU will be the child's parent. If your gut and best judgment tells you that your child's current name is going to cause big problems for her in life, then do what you think is in her long-term best interests.

As a parent, you will do lots of things that may or may not be second guessed by your child later in life. Such is the nature of parenthood. It doesn't sound like you want to change the name because this is all about you---it sounds like you want to change it because you are genuinely concerned about the impact such a name will have on the child's progress through life. Other people obviously have a different take on what they view to be in the child's best interest---but they're not her mother. YOU are.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, most of these posters are giving advice from fantasy land. They cannot be for real. They don't sound like they have much real life experience. Do what you think is best for your new daughter. I would change the name.

Um, I'm not giving advice from fantasy land, thank you very much, asshole. I am also about to adopt a 5 year old from foster care, and every therapist I've talked to has said that changing her first name is absolutely not an option. We let her pick a middle name - she was able to choose from something very similar to her current middle name, my maiden name or bio-grandma's name. Therapist advised the controlled choice, because children being adopted from foster care have no choice or control over ANYTHING in their lives.

I agree with PPs that you can give the kid your preferred middle namIIe and if SHE feels embarrassed by her name when she gets older name understands prejudice, etc., she can change it herself. I don't understand PPs who are like, but she'll never get a job! Um, by then, she will be an adult who can make her own choices about her name.

Don't take away the child's identity. Get a snappy one liner for when people are rude - it happens to us on a daily basis. It is so horribly rude to comment on a child's name like that's, and I'm sorry people are so shitty. Your daughter needs to know that you are not embarrassed. If she thinks that you think her bio mom is bad (even just for the bad name choice) she will think that she must be bad too, because she came from bio-mom.

This. We adopted a four year old and kept his first name for many of the reasons you posted. We gave him a solid middle name that DCUM readers would accept on any future employment applications, if he so desires.

OP when your daughter asks you in in ten years why you did not like her first name, will you tell her because it reminded you of a white-trash stripper. Ouch!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, most of these posters are giving advice from fantasy land. They cannot be for real. They don't sound like they have much real life experience. Do what you think is best for your new daughter. I would change the name.

Um, I'm not giving advice from fantasy land, thank you very much, asshole. I am also about to adopt a 5 year old from foster care, and every therapist I've talked to has said that changing her first name is absolutely not an option. We let her pick a middle name - she was able to choose from something very similar to her current middle name, my maiden name or bio-grandma's name. Therapist advised the controlled choice, because children being adopted from foster care have no choice or control over ANYTHING in their lives.

I agree with PPs that you can give the kid your preferred middle namIIe and if SHE feels embarrassed by her name when she gets older name understands prejudice, etc., she can change it herself. I don't understand PPs who are like, but she'll never get a job! Um, by then, she will be an adult who can make her own choices about her name.

Don't take away the child's identity. Get a snappy one liner for when people are rude - it happens to us on a daily basis. It is so horribly rude to comment on a child's name like that's, and I'm sorry people are so shitty. Your daughter needs to know that you are not embarrassed. If she thinks that you think her bio mom is bad (even just for the bad name choice) she will think that she must be bad too, because she came from bio-mom.

This. We adopted a four year old and kept his first name for many of the reasons you posted. We gave him a solid middle name that DCUM readers would accept on any future employment applications, if he so desires.

OP when your daughter asks you in in ten years why you did not like her first name, will you tell her because it reminded you of a white-trash stripper. Ouch!

No, she will say, "Because it was not the name I chose for you." By then there will be a lot of history and a solid parent-child relationship, so it won't seem weird at all that OP is making decisions that all parents make for their kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, most of these posters are giving advice from fantasy land. They cannot be for real. They don't sound like they have much real life experience. Do what you think is best for your new daughter. I would change the name.

Um, I'm not giving advice from fantasy land, thank you very much, asshole. I am also about to adopt a 5 year old from foster care, and every therapist I've talked to has said that changing her first name is absolutely not an option. We let her pick a middle name - she was able to choose from something very similar to her current middle name, my maiden name or bio-grandma's name. Therapist advised the controlled choice, because children being adopted from foster care have no choice or control over ANYTHING in their lives.

I agree with PPs that you can give the kid your preferred middle namIIe and if SHE feels embarrassed by her name when she gets older name understands prejudice, etc., she can change it herself. I don't understand PPs who are like, but she'll never get a job! Um, by then, she will be an adult who can make her own choices about her name.

Don't take away the child's identity. Get a snappy one liner for when people are rude - it happens to us on a daily basis. It is so horribly rude to comment on a child's name like that's, and I'm sorry people are so shitty. Your daughter needs to know that you are not embarrassed. If she thinks that you think her bio mom is bad (even just for the bad name choice) she will think that she must be bad too, because she came from bio-mom.

This. We adopted a four year old and kept his first name for many of the reasons you posted. We gave him a solid middle name that DCUM readers would accept on any future employment applications, if he so desires.

OP when your daughter asks you in in ten years why you did not like her first name, will you tell her because it reminded you of a white-trash stripper. Ouch!

No, she will say, "Because it was not the name I chose for you." By then there will be a lot of history and a solid parent-child relationship, so it won't seem weird at all that OP is making decisions that all parents make for their kids.

I agree with this. She is this child's parent and I don't see anything wrong with selecting her name. Many kids I know who were adopted have their original name as a middle name. OP, I'd talk to a real counselor who can guide you in this decision, not listen to people on here who like to talk the talk but have never walked your walk.

[Anonymous]

Okay, I could sit around and fix terrible names all day.

If it's Nevaeh, you can make it Neve (or Niamh if you're hardcore).

Unique can be Nicki, nn for Nicole/Nicola/Nico.

Desiree or Destiny can be Dee, for Deirdre, or Desi, which could be short for something but I actually think is great on its own, albeit a bit confusing if she hangs out with a lot of Indians.

Someone give me more names, maybe we'll hit on OP's actual problem name.

[Anonymous]

Trixie becomes tracy, ricky. Is it Roxy? Actually I kind of think that's cool.
I am less concerned re a subtle change to the name than the adoptive mom's attitude toward the birthmom/background. She needs to find a path toward some compassion there, so she can show the kid that path later.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: It's about BOTH of us. I don't want to think of other parents in her classroom looking at the class list at the start of the school year and deciding based on her name, to not invite her for a playdate. Or of teachers presuming bad behavior because of her name. Or yes, her name on a resume. When DH told his boss, as his boss shook his hand congrats he asked what her name was. When DH told him, his boss winced. Then said, "Whoa, rough start to life in more ways than one, huh?" We get comments like that from basically everyone when they find out her name.

Based on this info from the OP, I would definitely change her name. The reality is that people do make assumptions about others based on names. It may not be right, but it's reality. This little girl was born into a set of circumstances where it's possible that no one would think twice about her name. She is being adopted into a completely different set of circumstances, and her name could be a hindrance. Why take the chance? Choose a name with some connection or similarity to the previous name - same letters, more traditional spelling or pronunciation, whatever. Though it may be difficult not to completely change the name if it's something like Mistee Rainn or Destini Blue.

[Anonymous]

Agree with others that first impressions matter and you should give her a name that will not cause her problems later. I like the idea of calling her Mary-Crystal for a while then dropping the Crystal.

Why don't you tell her you'd like to give her a special new nick name to celebrate her becoming your forever daughter, and work with her to pick one she likes.