WWYD? We hate the name of our foster-to-adopt child

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My name is Michelle and I was adopted. My adoptive mother died and I got a new step mom who insisted in calling me Missy. I HATED being called Missy and eventually took to ignoring her and her whole family when they used it. I still refuse to answer to it 25 years later. Your name is one of the foundations of your identity. You can't take that away.

Michelle is a really nice name, I think much nicer and more popular than Missy. Could your reaction have been different if your original name was one that people would wince at and ridicule, one that would keep employers from even granting you an interview? I also wonder if the age at which the name change takes place makes a difference, or if a child's own input into the name matters. It is really awful that your family insisted on calling you by a name that you clearly did not like.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How calling a child "Pain" is better than Champagne is beyond me...

It's not "pain"; it's "Payne" (Payne Stewart, for example). Typically a boy's name but I kinda dig it for a girl. Anyway, good luck, OP.

Ehm...it's pronounced "Pain." So you walk around calling your adoptive child "Pain" - honestly that's not very fitting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How calling a child "Pain" is better than Champagne is beyond me...

It's not "pain"; it's "Payne" (Payne Stewart, for example). Typically a boy's name but I kinda dig it for a girl. Anyway, good luck, OP.

Ehm...it's pronounced "Pain." So you walk around calling your adoptive child "Pain" - honestly that's not very fitting.

Wow, thanks PP. I couldn't figure out how it was pronounced. Thank goodness you were here to set me straight. Sigh.

It's still a beautiful Latin name. Maybe you like it, maybe you don't, but it beats the hell out if Champaign, that's for sure.

[Anonymous]

I am one of the previous posters and wanted to add that I don't feel attached to my own name at all. (I was not adopted.) I have a really common, boring name, I think one that conveys that my parents didn't have any originality or sophisticated thought. At school and later at work there were so many people with my name. I would love to have a different name even now, in middle age, if it wouldn't be colossally difficult logistically and if people wouldn't find it really strange that I would make a change. My name seems like something external to me that I need to remember like my phone number or street address. I don't regard it as part of my identity at all.

[Anonymous]

If OP isn't a troll then please please change kids name. You are setting her up for a lifetime of preconceived judegemnts. Harsh? yes. But its the complete truth. Everytime her resume is sent out, her name is going to be laughed at behind her back etc. No one is going take Champagne seriously academically, professionally etc. She already has had a rough start to life, her name comes from a parent who abused/neglected her..why hang on and celebrate that horrible chapter in her life? Start fresh, give her the life she deserves.

[Anonymous]

I just wanted to thank everyone for weighing in with their opinions and ideas. We are slowly transitioning Chanel to Nelly. We will leave Chanel as her first name. We spoke with a child psychologist about Champagne. She actually asked if we minded if she spoke with some of her colleagues about it to brainstorm. She told us that as a parent her personal gut instinct was to protect her child at all costs, so change the name. But as a doctor who saw a little girl attached to her name it would cause a lot of problems. That's what made her conflicted. What she came back with was that we need to "own" the name, and let changing it be Champagne's request/decision. She also cautioned that when people question her name in front of her, we can not say "She's adopted and her birth mother chose her name" or anything like that, because Champagne will see that as us blaming her mother for her getting negative attention. So Dh and I have to really own the name too. So. We have a daughter. And her name is Champagne.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I just wanted to thank everyone for weighing in with their opinions and ideas. We are slowly transitioning Chanel to Nelly. We will leave Chanel as her first name. We spoke with a child psychologist about Champagne. She actually asked if we minded if she spoke with some of her colleagues about it to brainstorm. She told us that as a parent her personal gut instinct was to protect her child at all costs, so change the name. But as a doctor who saw a little girl attached to her name it would cause a lot of problems. That's what made her conflicted. What she came back with was that we need to "own" the name, and let changing it be Champagne's request/decision. She also cautioned that when people question her name in front of her, we can not say "She's adopted and her birth mother chose her name" or anything like that, because Champagne will see that as us blaming her mother for her getting negative attention. So Dh and I have to really own the name too. So. We have a daughter. And her name is Champagne.

Bravo! Welcome, Champagne! Best of luck to the family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I just wanted to thank everyone for weighing in with their opinions and ideas. We are slowly transitioning Chanel to Nelly. We will leave Chanel as her first name. We spoke with a child psychologist about Champagne. She actually asked if we minded if she spoke with some of her colleagues about it to brainstorm. She told us that as a parent her personal gut instinct was to protect her child at all costs, so change the name. But as a doctor who saw a little girl attached to her name it would cause a lot of problems. That's what made her conflicted. What she came back with was that we need to "own" the name, and let changing it be Champagne's request/decision. She also cautioned that when people question her name in front of her, we can not say "She's adopted and her birth mother chose her name" or anything like that, because Champagne will see that as us blaming her mother for her getting negative attention. So Dh and I have to really own the name too. So. We have a daughter. And her name is Champagne.

There are worse fates. You'll compensate for the name with other opportunities she wouldn't have had without a forever family.

[Anonymous]

OP I haven't read all replies etc but saw the Chanel name, and that you were going for Nelly. Just want to say (and again, I apologize if this has already been said) If you add a "t" (and move the e to an a) it's Chantal, which is a beautiful French name. Not as much of a stretch as Nelly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I just wanted to thank everyone for weighing in with their opinions and ideas. We are slowly transitioning Chanel to Nelly. We will leave Chanel as her first name. We spoke with a child psychologist about Champagne. She actually asked if we minded if she spoke with some of her colleagues about it to brainstorm. She told us that as a parent her personal gut instinct was to protect her child at all costs, so change the name. But as a doctor who saw a little girl attached to her name it would cause a lot of problems. That's what made her conflicted. What she came back with was that we need to "own" the name, and let changing it be Champagne's request/decision. She also cautioned that when people question her name in front of her, we can not say "She's adopted and her birth mother chose her name" or anything like that, because Champagne will see that as us blaming her mother for her getting negative attention. So Dh and I have to really own the name too. So. We have a daughter. And her name is Champagne.

OP, what a beautiful and moving post.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I just wanted to thank everyone for weighing in with their opinions and ideas. We are slowly transitioning Chanel to Nelly. We will leave Chanel as her first name. We spoke with a child psychologist about Champagne. She actually asked if we minded if she spoke with some of her colleagues about it to brainstorm. She told us that as a parent her personal gut instinct was to protect her child at all costs, so change the name. But as a doctor who saw a little girl attached to her name it would cause a lot of problems. That's what made her conflicted. What she came back with was that we need to "own" the name, and let changing it be Champagne's request/decision. She also cautioned that when people question her name in front of her, we can not say "She's adopted and her birth mother chose her name" or anything like that, because Champagne will see that as us blaming her mother for her getting negative attention. So Dh and I have to really own the name too. So. We have a daughter. And her name is Champagne.

As much as I dislike the name, I was happy to read this! She needs parents who will stand up for her and everything she comes with, including her name!

My next thought would be how to bring up changing the name in a gentle way once she's older. I guess you can handle that when the time comes.

Congrats on your new additions!! I honestly think that after you get used to the names you won't even think about it, kinda like you won't even think about how they are your adopted children. They're just your children and these are their names, no explanation needed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I just wanted to thank everyone for weighing in with their opinions and ideas. We are slowly transitioning Chanel to Nelly. We will leave Chanel as her first name. We spoke with a child psychologist about Champagne. She actually asked if we minded if she spoke with some of her colleagues about it to brainstorm. She told us that as a parent her personal gut instinct was to protect her child at all costs, so change the name. But as a doctor who saw a little girl attached to her name it would cause a lot of problems. That's what made her conflicted. What she came back with was that we need to "own" the name, and let changing it be Champagne's request/decision. She also cautioned that when people question her name in front of her, we can not say "She's adopted and her birth mother chose her name" or anything like that, because Champagne will see that as us blaming her mother for her getting negative attention. So Dh and I have to really own the name too. So. We have a daughter. And her name is Champagne.

As much as I dislike the name, I was happy to read this! She needs parents who will stand up for her and everything she comes with, including her name!

My next thought would be how to bring up changing the name in a gentle way once she's older. I guess you can handle that when the time comes.

Congrats on your new additions!! I honestly think that after you get used to the names you won't even think about it, kinda like you won't even think about how they are your adopted children. They're just your children and these are their names, no explanation needed.

We're not going to bring up changing her name at all. If she brings it up we'll be open to it, but we will not be suggesting the idea in any way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I just wanted to thank everyone for weighing in with their opinions and ideas. We are slowly transitioning Chanel to Nelly. We will leave Chanel as her first name. We spoke with a child psychologist about Champagne. She actually asked if we minded if she spoke with some of her colleagues about it to brainstorm. She told us that as a parent her personal gut instinct was to protect her child at all costs, so change the name. But as a doctor who saw a little girl attached to her name it would cause a lot of problems. That's what made her conflicted. What she came back with was that we need to "own" the name, and let changing it be Champagne's request/decision. She also cautioned that when people question her name in front of her, we can not say "She's adopted and her birth mother chose her name" or anything like that, because Champagne will see that as us blaming her mother for her getting negative attention. So Dh and I have to really own the name too. So. We have a daughter. And her name is Champagne.

Good for you for seeking professional help and taking the advice. I hope people will be kind--it is a bit of a shocker of a name! This thread has been a great learning experience for us all.

I wish you and your family the best of luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I just wanted to thank everyone for weighing in with their opinions and ideas. We are slowly transitioning Chanel to Nelly. We will leave Chanel as her first name. We spoke with a child psychologist about Champagne. She actually asked if we minded if she spoke with some of her colleagues about it to brainstorm. She told us that as a parent her personal gut instinct was to protect her child at all costs, so change the name. But as a doctor who saw a little girl attached to her name it would cause a lot of problems. That's what made her conflicted. What she came back with was that we need to "own" the name, and let changing it be Champagne's request/decision. She also cautioned that when people question her name in front of her, we can not say "She's adopted and her birth mother chose her name" or anything like that, because Champagne will see that as us blaming her mother for her getting negative attention. So Dh and I have to really own the name too. So. We have a daughter. And her name is Champagne.

I am happy to read this. She needs you to love her unconditionally and everything else beyond that can be taken care of if she feels it needs to be taken care of. Not many people would have gone the route you went and it was certainly not the one of least resistance. I wish you good luck for the future!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP I haven't read all replies etc but saw the Chanel name, and that you were going for Nelly. Just want to say (and again, I apologize if this has already been said) If you add a "t" (and move the e to an a) it's Chantal, which is a beautiful French name. Not as much of a stretch as Nelly.

But they're not changing the name. They're using Nelly as a nickname for Chanel (take the second syllable and make it a nickname). This is not that different from using Bert as a nickname for Albert, using Shelley as a nickname for Michelle, using Beth as a nickname for Elizabeth, etc.

As for Champaigne, she's old enough to talk to and say that "Champaigne is a long name, would you like something shorter? We think it will be easier. We like the nickname Payne" or see if she has an idea. If not, I love that the parents have decided to own the name. That's a great start to forging a good relationship with their daughter.