WWYD? We hate the name of our foster-to-adopt child

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Keep her name. Stop being embarrassed. And think about what your being embarrassed by your foster-to-adopt child's "white trash/stripper" says about you.

+ 1 OMG

[Anonymous]

She's 4! Don't change her name

[Anonymous]

As a PP suggested, I would keep the name as her legal first name, pick a new middle name and call her that as her special nickname. Then she can pick when she is older.

[Anonymous]

I would tell her, "When we adopt you, there is a very special thing that you can pick another name for yourself if you want." My friends did this with their adopted son (who was atleast 9 when he was adopted). He chose a nice, bland name for his first name that was the name of one of his friends from a prior foster home. He ended up being something like "David Jayson Anderson." I can't remember his previous name, but his new name was special to him. He chose Jayson because his adoptive father's name was Jay - and he was now Jay's son.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As a PP suggested, I would keep the name as her legal first name, pick a new middle name and call her that as her special nickname. Then she can pick when she is older.

Keep stripper name as MIDDLE name not first.

[Anonymous]

I agree not to change her name, certainly not right away. I have a 4yo, and at that point her name is a huge part of her identity. One other thing, you really, really need to stop using the term "white trash". It's offensive in so many ways. And especially if that's what you think of her background and her name, you really, really need to get that idea out of your head. It should never come out of your mouth around her. Ever.
Congratulations to you on being so far down the road on the fos-adopt process that you're almost there! Good luck.

[Anonymous]

LET HER KEEP HER NAME. I can't believe you would ever consider changing it. It's part of her identity. She's four years, not four months.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I agree not to change her name, certainly not right away. I have a 4yo, and at that point her name is a huge part of her identity. One other thing, you really, really need to stop using the term "white trash". It's offensive in so many ways. And especially if that's what you think of her background and her name, you really, really need to get that idea out of your head. It should never come out of your mouth around her. Ever.
Congratulations to you on being so far down the road on the fos-adopt process that you're almost there! Good luck.

This.

[Anonymous]

Nevaeh -- Neve
Destiny - Desi
Crystal/Krystal - Krys, Krissy
Sparkle- Lele
Heaven - Veve
Kenya-Kenny
Rhoda - Rho
Rhonda- Ronnie
Brytnny - Brye

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would tell her, "When we adopt you, there is a very special thing that you can pick another name for yourself if you want." My friends did this with their adopted son (who was atleast 9 when he was adopted). He chose a nice, bland name for his first name that was the name of one of his friends from a prior foster home. He ended up being something like "David Jayson Anderson." I can't remember his previous name, but his new name was special to him. He chose Jayson because his adoptive father's name was Jay - and he was now Jay's son.

I think this is a nice approach- an option and it lets her take the lead. I would suggest that you give her some time to digest the option and make peace that she may not want to use it.

I also agree with PPs that you have to change your thinking and just simply CANNOT use those words; you need to respect your child's background and journey and not focus on "cleansing" it from them - its too much - you just can't do that.

[Anonymous]

I think people who change adopted kid's names are the WORST.

[Anonymous]

I'm the PP that brought up your "white trash" comment. There's a special place in my heart for the foster-adopt parents, so I totally believe you're coming from a good place. But another suggestion is, if you don't already, get to know some of the background of the culture the child comes from. Not just whatever dysfunctional family it may be, but the GOOD parts of that culture. I come from an area that gets maligned as "white trash" a lot. In reality, there are a lot of truly hard-working, charitable, smart and kind people who have created decent lives for themselves out of next to nothing. And many of them have lived or do live in trailers. If this is where she came from, she should be raised to be proud of her background and know that there are good people who come from there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would tell her, "When we adopt you, there is a very special thing that you can pick another name for yourself if you want." My friends did this with their adopted son (who was atleast 9 when he was adopted). He chose a nice, bland name for his first name that was the name of one of his friends from a prior foster home. He ended up being something like "David Jayson Anderson." I can't remember his previous name, but his new name was special to him. He chose Jayson because his adoptive father's name was Jay - and he was now Jay's son.

Picking a new name would be fine. Of course, I know many 4 year olds that might pick "Princess Sparkle." So OP might end up with something she hates even more.

OP, I wouldn't worry about the name. You'll need to get over your dislike of it.

[Anonymous]

My parents wanted to name me a name which they thought sounded too exotic so they gave me a different name with the first same letter and gave me the "French" name as a middle name. When I was newly 5 and starting school they asked my teacher to call me by my middle name -needless to say this was absolutely NOT okay by me. I had only known myself by my first name and couldn't fathom why they would try and change my name. I say do not even think of it. Get over your preconceived notions and let this child that will soon be yours forever keep her name.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm the PP that brought up your "white trash" comment. There's a special place in my heart for the foster-adopt parents, so I totally believe you're coming from a good place. But another suggestion is, if you don't already, get to know some of the background of the culture the child comes from. Not just whatever dysfunctional family it may be, but the GOOD parts of that culture. I come from an area that gets maligned as "white trash" a lot. In reality, there are a lot of truly hard-working, charitable, smart and kind people who have created decent lives for themselves out of next to nothing. And many of them have lived or do live in trailers. If this is where she came from, she should be raised to be proud of her background and know that there are good people who come from there.

This right here. You can't erase this child's history, and you need to be sensitive to how she will remember and think about her story, no matter what the terrible details.

You are making the name about you--you don't want anyone to think you chose that name, maybe you don't want your child to stand out, but it is hers. Don't make her experience one more loss.