WWYD? We hate the name of our foster-to-adopt child

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My adoptive mom changed my name. I like her choice but I would have liked to have my birth name as a middle name. It's just a more accurate representation of who I am. I have two moms and they both matter to me.

I also agree that having a name that is associated with a low socio-economic status could have terrible lifelong consequences. There are tons of studies showing the prejudice against certain names in employment and hiring. This is not just an identity issue. It's about whether or not she'll be prevented from getting a good job.

Because of this, I would absolutely change her first name. Make her first name her middle name. Agree with pps that the best way to do it is slowly. Start by calling her both names, then switch to just the single name when she hits school.

Also, however, agree with the pps that you need a serious attitude adjustment about her first mom. She clearly struggled with some powerful demons but that doesn't make her a terrible person and it's bad for you to convey that to your DD. Your DD won't love you any less if she's taught that her first mom was a good, but flawed, person. In fact, it will help her enormously. It's not good for her identity to think she comes from a crackwhore.

OP here. Thank you. Foster-DD has both an atrocious first and middle name, so I guess we will give her a second middle name so she can choose to use that. I highly doubt we'll be talking much about her birth mother, but I will not lie - she was most certainly not a good person. To be honest, I am surprised at how many posters here think I would speak the same way in front of or to a 4 year old the same way I would to anonymous adults. Obviously I will not tell her "Your birth mommy was a crackwhore, and in the white trash world she lived in, it was trendy to give babies stripper names." She has zero memory of her birth mother. I will try to remember to update this thread after the adoption is final and let you know the name.

It's not that we think you will say those things in front of her, but honestly kids pick up on everything. You need to genuinely find some positi e (or just generous) view of this kid's heritage. Whether it's something good about her culture, mother, grandparent, anything. Kids care about their origin stories. We draw strength from them and we suspect ourselves of the flaws of our parents. You have an uphill battle, and you need to work on your true feelings about this, because you would be naïve to think you can hide them perfectly.

[Anonymous]

Our two kids came to us when each was about a year old. We're in the process of foster-to-adopt with the second one now. Neither arrived with a name we would have chosen ourselves. They weren't awful, by any means, just not ones we liked. IMHO the responsibility of parenting comes with naming rights and we had no problem at all with changing both names immediately. Our second had been neglected by her BM. Down the road, when she's old enough to understand, she may even appreciate that we gave her a new name and that this completed the new start. Just my opinion. Having said that four is a lot older than one. Perhaps you could introduce a new nickname that you all like and use that going forward.

Hats off to you for being a foster parent and for adopting from foster care.

[Anonymous]

Yeah, yikes OP. you need to start doing some reading on the white working class and white poverty. I am sure if you were adopting a Chinese or African American kid you would make some attempt to understand the culture. Same here. You also need to acknowledge that needing to be adopted was a tragedy for your daughter and her birth family. Have some compassion all around.

[Anonymous]

Calling other people trash is trashy in itself. It's like saying, "I'm better than anyone who makes less or didn't go as far as I have."

[Anonymous]

Lighten up people. Can't believe no one has posted this clip yet:

http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=Q7URSM_ShQQ

And everyone needs to stop beating up on OP about her anonymous forum comments about the BM. OP ---as an adoptive parent---I agree with the posters who say you need to find something positive about the kid's background. But it doesn't have to be the BM. With our adopted kids--what made all the difference was knowing that they have paternal grandparents who love and think about them. They do not have the resources or health to raise them, but they are delighted at the opportunities and love we the adoptive parents are able to give. BM, on the other hand, is an alcoholic mess---just as her own mother was. What kids need most is truth---gentle, age appropriate truth. Kids know who loves them and who doesn't. Kids can also understand that sometimes the people who should love them can't---because they themselves were poorly parented. Just always be there to answer questions---lovingly---because at the end of the day it is the unknown that is the most painful---anything else can be dealt with.

[Anonymous]

Eh. I'd change it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Eh. I'd change it.

Best answer in the thread!!!

[Anonymous]

What about an endearment? We called our ds " bear" because my deceased mil called my husband bear when he was little and it just happened organically. One day, talking to a new mom friend, she said " one of my closest friends from college is still called bear."
Obviously I don 't mean this literally for her but, if you could find a special name for your family - and would work for school. I say one that would work for school and public because we did not use " bear" outside of the house but I could see something like teddy bear becoming teddy. Just trying to think outside the box for you!

[Anonymous]

http://adoptionsupport.org/

Make an appt. with C.A.S.E. and see what they say to help you find a solution. This is their business.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Also, however, agree with the pps that you need a serious attitude adjustment about her first mom. She clearly struggled with some powerful demons but that doesn't make her a terrible person and it's bad for you to convey that to your DD. .

OP here. Thank you. Foster-DD has both an atrocious first and middle name, so I guess we will give her a second middle name so she can choose to use that. I highly doubt we'll be talking much about her birth mother, but I will not lie - she was most certainly not a good person. .

Adoptive mom of three children who had horrible starts to life and member of a large adoption community. You are likely to be surprised at how often you talk about the birth parents. None of my kids remember theirs yet they come up in conversation often. At times one or another will ask 10 or 20 questions a day for a few weeks on end. Birth parents don't disappear, no matter how bad they were. And PP is very wise. Just because someone struggles greatly in life doesn't make them a bad person.

I am shocked at how you are villifying your prospective child's mom. I am all for honesty and I have never made up love stories about my kids' adoptions. But I never knew their parents or walked in their shoes so I would never convey that I thought they were awful people.

[Anonymous]

Oh please. It's a crying shame to be a drug-addicted prostitute. There aren't too many nice spins to put on that one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Oh please. It's a crying shame to be a drug-addicted prostitute. There aren't too many nice spins to put on that one.

It sucks, for sure. But it sucks a lot more for her than it does for you, so why so nasty about it? Demonstrate compassion.

My daughter's birth mom has had a complicated life. No addiction, that I know of, but if I wanted to, I could put a pretty negative spin on her circumstances. But I don't judge her for her situation, anyone discussing it with me will know I don't judge her for it, and I don't stand for others saying judgmental things about her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oh please. It's a crying shame to be a drug-addicted prostitute. There aren't too many nice spins to put on that one.

It sucks, for sure. But it sucks a lot more for her than it does for you, so why so nasty about it? Demonstrate compassion.

My daughter's birth mom has had a complicated life. No addiction, that I know of, but if I wanted to, I could put a pretty negative spin on her circumstances. But I don't judge her for her situation, anyone discussing it with me will know I don't judge her for it, and I don't stand for others saying judgmental things about her.

I don't even know what you are saying. what does judging mean? Are you talking about her soul or something? Of course we are not in a position to judge someone on that level. But are you really saying not to judge a drug addicted prostitute who gives birth in prison? Like, we're not supposed to say this is bad because it might hurt someone's feelings? Because saying it's bad is a judgment? Makes no sense.

I hope OP's daughter grows up knowing that success in life depends on both nature and nurture, and that the good childhood the OP will hopefully give her, combined with the genes she got from her birth parents, minus her birth parent's bad circumstances will equal a quality life for her. A lot of people are given everything in life and still turn out pretty shitty. But I guess we're not supposed to "judge" them either....

[Anonymous]

OP does not even have this child in her home. She doesn't truly know this child, her wishes, needs or anything and her first priority is to change the child's name. That seems a bit backward and setting the child up for failure.

OP: if you consider this child to be poor white trash, maybe you should not try this kind of adoption and instead go for surrogacy where you can create a designer child based on your specifications.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thank you all for your opinions. Let me give a little more info. Her name IS something like Mistee, but even more stripper-like. Also, both her first AND middle names are like this. Two of my friends grew up in actual trailer parks and neither are white trash.

Future-DD's mother was an actual crackwhore. She gave birth in prison. F-DD has never known her. and has spent her whole life in prison and foster care. She was not lovingly placed in foster care by a heartbroken mother who tearfully confessed she couldn't adequately care for her. I would of course never use the term white trash in front of F-DD to describe her background.

Yes, I am embarrassed at the reaction I get when introducing her. Also, I am not sure how to handle when people ask why I chose the name or how. I don't want to feel obligated to "out" her as adopted, but that means I have to take responsibility for having named her that.

We are not going to let her, as a 4 yr old, pick a new name. What she loves at 4, may hate at 14, may hate at 24.

Change the name slowly, as a pp suggested. Plenty of kids are bullied because of the stupid names their parents give them.