WWYD? We hate the name of our foster-to-adopt child

[Anonymous]

Give her a nickname

[Anonymous]

Can you go by her middle name?

[Anonymous]

I actually haven't seen a name here that couldn't be rehabilitated (for the kid's sake) by spelling or nickname. Mystee Rainn? Who cares? I'd like to be called "Rain". And what's so bad about Misty? Pretty cool Olympian with that name. Destiny is "Des". Big deal. I know all kinds of people with funky names. Not a problem if you don't make it one.

[Anonymous]

I've figured it out - the kid is named Glitter Boobies.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I've figured it out - the kid is named Glitter Boobies.

Even that one: Change it to Glitter Beatrice, call her Gigi for a while and you're good. When she's older she can change it to drop the Glitter, or decide the Glitter is funky/cool and use it, or just go by Beatrice.

[Anonymous]

do you have to adopt?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Okay, I could sit around and fix terrible names all day.

If it's Nevaeh, you can make it Neve (or Niamh if you're hardcore).

Unique can be Nicki, nn for Nicole/Nicola/Nico.

Desiree or Destiny can be Dee, for Deirdre, or Desi, which could be short for something but I actually think is great on its own, albeit a bit confusing if she hangs out with a lot of Indians.

Someone give me more names, maybe we'll hit on OP's actual problem name.

how is Nevaeh a stripper or white trash name???

[Anonymous]

This is hard. If the name is simply not your style, I'd keep it exactly as-is. Some of the names mentioned on this thread are really not that bad. Misty? A fine hippy/crunchy name. Brandy/Brandi: Not what I would pick, but its not so very bad. I've met a few Brandis, and while they weren't from the creme de la creme of society, they are perfectly good, nice people. Its not a dreadful name. Naveah: I don't like it, but it sounds pretty.

If the name is REALLY, really problematic, I think you at least need to give her some ownership of the new name. Maybe cast it as trying to celebrate her new identity as your daughter by getting an extra name (not eliminating the old one) and and give her a big list of names. She might like the sense of control in getting to pick her new identity.

If you make it seem like her name is unacceptable to you, I do think that could hurt.

Ultimately, she's going to look at her first and middle name(s) and pick what she will put on her resume and use with friends. As she should.

[Anonymous]

A related thought: Can you go onto an anonymous baby name forum and ask about related names/nick names? Some of the name nerds might come up with some good ideas you could use.

[Anonymous]

OP, if you are going to be this childs mother - then who cares what anyone else here thinks.

YOU need to decide what you think is best for you and your future daughter. It sounds like you know what is best for her and your family - don't worry about what the rest of DCUM thinks. At the end of the day, you will spend years together - the name that you call her and she responds to is what matters.

Good luck - and be happy together. Whatever her name may be.

[Anonymous]

does she have a middle name? if not, giver her one you like and when the adoption is completed, have the middle name become the first name and her given name can become her middle name. Call her by her middle name and first name i.e. Emma Bambi, eventually dropping the Bambi.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: It's about BOTH of us. I don't want to think of other parents in her classroom looking at the class list at the start of the school year and deciding based on her name, to not invite her for a playdate. Or of teachers presuming bad behavior because of her name. Or yes, her name on a resume. When DH told his boss, as his boss shook his hand congrats he asked what her name was. When DH told him, his boss winced. Then said, "Whoa, rough start to life in more ways than one, huh?" We get comments like that from basically everyone when they find out her name.

Based on this info from the OP, I would definitely change her name. The reality is that people do make assumptions about others based on names. It may not be right, but it's reality. This little girl was born into a set of circumstances where it's possible that no one would think twice about her name. She is being adopted into a completely different set of circumstances, and her name could be a hindrance. Why take the chance? Choose a name with some connection or similarity to the previous name - same letters, more traditional spelling or pronunciation, whatever. Though it may be difficult not to completely change the name if it's something like Mistee Rainn or Destini Blue.

I'm a pp who suggested the name might not be as bad as OP thought and I'd missed this anecdote before. Oddly it makes me think so even more strongly. The boss here is clearly responding to way more than just the name. DH probably told Boss the whole sad drug-addicted incarcerated story, and I doubt OP can keep her opinion of the name and the birth mom from filtering into the story when she tells people either. That's what people are mirroring--OP and DH's feelings. I can only imagine that OP and her DH won't be going into details like that when the girl is under their roof.

OP sounds like she does not have the experience of choosing a name and keeping it secret from friends and family for a whole pregnancy, so she is unaware of how weirdly judgmental people get and how they STFU eventually--especially when you draw firm boundaries for them. DH should have replied "well it's her name and while we're considering changing it, she's 4, and we're hesitant to create even more loss in her life, you know?"

[Anonymous]

Adoptive mom here, so I hear you, OP, perhaps a little better than most.

When my first baby came home, an older relative shared with me the story of her friend's adoption from foster care of a girl about 4 or 5YO. The mom changed her daughter's name to the mom's mother's name. For whatever reasons, this child caused her mom grief for many years. As a young adult, there was an argument and the daughter shouted, "My name is CAROL!" (her birth name) My point is that a 4YO knows their name and it is already part of their identity.

Remember, too, that children in foster care have been abused or neglected and desperately seek a warm loving home where they will be safe, protected and loved. How would it make this child feel if you changed her name?

On the other side, I know a family with older children adopted from another country. The birth names were used at home and new, American names at school. I do not know if the family still uses the birth names now, several years after the children have come home.

It's a tough one. I wish you well.

[Anonymous]

Growing up as a kid, I didn't like my real name that much(it's not bad or anything, it's just not my favorite name) so I always went by my nickname. If you can't think of a nickname, maybe call the child by her middle name. If she doesn't have a middle name, talk to her. Ask her what names she likes and what her favorite names are. Maybe she can help you decide on a name or middle name, so she can be exited about it. Good Luck!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Calling other people trash is trashy in itself. It's like saying, "I'm better than anyone who makes less or didn't go as far as I have."

Absolutely agree.