Is it selfish to move abroad for good when you're an only child?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Hi, OP here. 27 is not a child, but I had always been interested in travelling and the wider world, ever since I was a young teenager. My parents also liked spending vacations in other countries.

My parents supported my decision to move overseas, especially my Mom, who never got the career opportunities I got. She had me when she was barely 21 years old. Dad was 24.

I supported my ailing parents to the best of my abilities, within the means that I had, and within our geographical limits. You are right in the sense that I could have offered my parents more hands-on, practical support if I had stayed nearby. But I didn't...
And so many people in the US don't either. What if you're an only child and your parents live several states away? Surely you cannot be with them 24/7 ...?
Or what if you meet a future partner from a different state, where do you decide to settle down, near your parents, or his/hers? It's not that simple.

What exactly are you looking for here, OP? If supporting them in their old age was a priority for you, then you wouldn't have moved so far away. You seem to be struggling with the reality that you chose what was best for you over what was best for your family. It wasn't a wrong choice, but it had consequences. I suspect that you knew that at the time, which is why you are feeling so guilty. There is no real solution here other than getting yourself some therapy and making peace with yourself.

No, I didn't know this at the time. When I moved overseas I was 27, Mom was 48 and Dad 51. They were young and healthy, as far as I knew. Little did I know that their health would start to decline so soon. And no one in our family expected this either.

[Anonymous]

OP, I think you are feeling adrift. You have lost your parents and you are an only child. You are seeking comfort and support in your remaining family, and they just aren't capable of providing it. You need to move on. I know it is scary to seem alone in the world... I'm an only child too, and I know that once my parents are gone, I will have to rely on any support structure that I have built for myself. Kids may or may not be there for you. Spouses, too. Try to build a network of friends and a community around you. Host gatherings, volunteer, offer help to new mothers and to friends going through health crises. In the end, there are no guarantees, but it may help you feel less alone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP again.
Perhaps I put too much emphasis in my posts on what my relatives didn't, wouldn't or couldn't do. But I do find their attitude annoying. When life is good, they're great, they're fun. When life sucks, they seem to close ranks.

My Dad has been dead for several years now.

There is a reason I came on here. A couple months ago something bad happened to me and DH. A major event, something that one would normally tell family. We are both healthy and have jobs, but it was major and bad nonetheless. It is not money-related.

I texted Mom's siblings to let them know what happened. I did not ask for help because there is nothing they could have done.
One aunt & uncle didn't even reply. The other did, but they didn't acknowledge and texted about the nice things in their life instead. And how busy they are. My cousin, their daughter, didn't reply, even though recently I have shown a lot of interest in her pregnancy and her baby due in 2 months.

It just brought back memories of the time when Dad was ill and how they could have shown more empathy.

OP, you kind of remind me of my mom, who has consistently expected more from my dad (now deceased)'s side of the family, who in my mind have always made it perfectly clear they are only interested in a perfunctory relationship. To that end, I've always told her to of course be civil and kind, but never expect anything of them, and in return, not feel obligated to do anything for them. For whatever reason, she's still hung up on how they don't have a close relationship (and relatedly, my brother and I are not close to any of our cousins on my dad's side). Sometimes family is not what you want or expect them to be - that's why you cultivate close friends and hire help as needed.

But I also agree with the other poster who decided to make sacrifices to be within driving distance of her family precisely to avoid the kind of guilt you've expressed. Like her, I decided early on as an adult that I wanted to be geographically close to my family (both so they could have a close relationship with my children and also so I could help them as they aged), so after grad school I moved back for good. I likely gave up promising career opportunities in NYC/DC as a result, but I have zero regrets because it allowed me to be close to my dad before he died, and help my mom in the aftermath; now my mom and young kids are incredibly close because they see her regularly. I hope my mom has many more years left, but either way, knowing I'm barely an hour away gives me peace. As others have said, you should not feel bad at all for your choices, but you also simply cannot expect extended family who have shown no interest in helping, to assist the way you, your parents' child, would.

[Anonymous]

OP, it doesn’t quite matter if you are the only child in this situation. I have a brother, and both of us moved to the US 20 years ago. It takes me about 24 hours to get to my parents’ home, including 15 hours on the plane. Over the years, I invited our parents to come live with us multiple times. They always refused as they were happy with their independent life where they don’t need to care for any kids or grandkids. My mom used to repeat that when one of them passes away, the other one will come live with us. Now she is bed-ridden in a nursing home with dementia, can’t even sit after a recent fall. My father is in his early 80s, still active, and I’d be so happy if he could come and live with us, but of course it’s not an option while my mom is still alive. He visits her a couple of times a week and hopes that she will get better and will return home one day. Her physical condition is decent, she might live for 10 more years. We have no relatives in my hometown. When I was young (maybe 20), I told my mom how I wish our relatives lived close to us and it would have been so much fun to get together as a large family, she said I’m welcome to start a large family of my own, get a lot of kids and keep them and their families nearby.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm an only child.

I moved abroad when I was in my 20s. This was no last-minute decision. I had been planning this for years. I found my hometown and my life too conservative and boring and I wanted an adventure.
Met a man in my adopted country and married him. I'm still married to the same man and we still live in his country.

What I did not plan for was the following: Mom passed away after a short illness nearly 4 years after I left. Dad stayed single. Then, a couple years later, Dad got sick. He was sick for about 3 years, with various complications. He too passed away

When Dad was sick DH and I did our best to visit and help Dad as often as we could. Sometimes it was difficult to visit because of our jobs, and because of the fact we lived in a different country.

All this time we received very little help from family who lived in the same small town as my Dad (my hometown). Some close relatives on Mom's side of the family actually lived around the corner. Most local family lived no more than a 10-minute ride away. Some did offer support and practical help at first, but that quickly faded away.

My whole family knew well that I lived abroad and that I couldn't come home every 5 minutes, yet no one offered me any emotional support, and everyone thought I should just deal with it.
I organized the appropriate care for Dad, and a cleaner. However none of the relatives ever took him to a hospital or doctor's appointment, to the barber, the grocery store, etc. A neighbor, and one of Dad's old friends did.

If I could turn back time, knowing what I know now, I probably wouldn't have moved abroad.

The lack of support from family still leaves a bitter taste.

So, is it selfish to move away when you have no siblings?

Don’t second guess yourself. Your parents died very young and no one could have planned for that. You would have had the same job and family pressures if you had moved to a different place in the US.

We tend to look back at our choices to see what we could have, would have, should have done had we known what the future held. No one knows. We can only make decisions based on our current circumstances. I do not think you were selfish to move to a different country in your 20’s.

Concentrate on the present, your current life and family. You can look back and remember your parents, but try to not feel guilty for what you could not have anticipated.

I am sorry for your losses. (((Hugs)))

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, it doesn’t quite matter if you are the only child in this situation. I have a brother, and both of us moved to the US 20 years ago. It takes me about 24 hours to get to my parents’ home, including 15 hours on the plane. Over the years, I invited our parents to come live with us multiple times. They always refused as they were happy with their independent life where they don’t need to care for any kids or grandkids. My mom used to repeat that when one of them passes away, the other one will come live with us. Now she is bed-ridden in a nursing home with dementia, can’t even sit after a recent fall. My father is in his early 80s, still active, and I’d be so happy if he could come and live with us, but of course it’s not an option while my mom is still alive. He visits her a couple of times a week and hopes that she will get better and will return home one day. Her physical condition is decent, she might live for 10 more years. We have no relatives in my hometown. When I was young (maybe 20), I told my mom how I wish our relatives lived close to us and it would have been so much fun to get together as a large family, she said I’m welcome to start a large family of my own, get a lot of kids and keep them and their families nearby.

Don't you think it is a little ironic or galling for you to tell your mom that you wish your family lived close to each other when you are the one one who moved away??

Don't put this on them. You had a home and family and moved somewhere where you did not. Now you are acting like it is their fault (and quite inconvenient) that they will not die close to you. Time for some introspection.

[Anonymous]

Being abroad is only a detail. The bones of the story are the same for many people. Even for people who live in the same town as their parent, but have busy lives! Elder care, and how the elder plans for it as well as what the adult children decide to do, is very very difficult.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t think anyone in your story did anything wrong (you’re entitled to your life!) but it’s obnoxious of you to wanted family to take over the job you wouldn’t do. And if it’s a competition you were clearly more selfish than more distant relatives who didn’t step up to play caregiver.

OP here. DH and I did whatever we could to help my Dad. Being a caregiver is hard when you're in a different country from the person who needs the care.

What was I meant to do? Leave my husband, my home and my job abroad and move back in with Dad? It's not that simple.
I made the decision to move abroad when I was 27. Little did I know that my parents would get sick and die so quickly.

Of course I didn't expect my family to take over the bulk of the care. But they wouldn't even go check on him, or pick up the phone to ask if he needed anything.

NO GUILT! Could have gone the other way.

My parents moved cross country where there was no family to retire. They had options but my father was stubborn, and would not move to Florida because he didn't want to help his sister (who never asked for help - she was married and they were in good health)

Fast forward 20+ years. They are now old. They are still refusing to move, instead insisting I leave my husband and my life here to move to THEM and pay for everything, since my father did not plan properly and they are now nearly broke, except for social security. I can't tell you how much crap I get from people telling me I'm selfish for not moving out there and paying for everything, when they have choices they refuse to exercise.

I had guilt in the beginning. I quickly realized that it was them who were unreasonable and demanding. I've offered choices, all very reasonable (including selling the home they can no longer afford and simply moving to a smaller place right down the street they CAN afford, since their house is paid off). Nope.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I think you are feeling adrift. You have lost your parents and you are an only child. You are seeking comfort and support in your remaining family, and they just aren't capable of providing it. You need to move on. I know it is scary to seem alone in the world... I'm an only child too, and I know that once my parents are gone, I will have to rely on any support structure that I have built for myself. Kids may or may not be there for you. Spouses, too. Try to build a network of friends and a community around you. Host gatherings, volunteer, offer help to new mothers and to friends going through health crises. In the end, there are no guarantees, but it may help you feel less alone.

Thanks for your feedback. You describe it very accurately. I do feel adrift, and increasingly so as I get older myself.

When I moved overseas I was in my 20s and I only looked at the short to medium term future. Perhaps that was a mistake, but someone in their 20s sees things differently to a person in their 40s or 50s. In your 20s the world is your oyster.

My husband has been incredibly supportive all this time. Yet sometimes his love and support are no substitute for the bond I would have had with my parents, had they been alive.

My adopted country is English speaking, and, however well I have integrated here, I sometimes find it quite hard to talk about things that only people at home (= where I grew up) would 'get', if that makes sense. It's one reason why I wish I had a closer relationship with my remaining family at home.

I sometimes worry about my own old age, and how best to plan for it. DH is 9 years older than me. If he should pass before I do, I'll have to decide whether to stay here or to go back and spend the rest of my life in a familiar environment, but with no family around. A hard choice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, it doesn’t quite matter if you are the only child in this situation. I have a brother, and both of us moved to the US 20 years ago. It takes me about 24 hours to get to my parents’ home, including 15 hours on the plane. Over the years, I invited our parents to come live with us multiple times. They always refused as they were happy with their independent life where they don’t need to care for any kids or grandkids. My mom used to repeat that when one of them passes away, the other one will come live with us. Now she is bed-ridden in a nursing home with dementia, can’t even sit after a recent fall. My father is in his early 80s, still active, and I’d be so happy if he could come and live with us, but of course it’s not an option while my mom is still alive. He visits her a couple of times a week and hopes that she will get better and will return home one day. Her physical condition is decent, she might live for 10 more years. We have no relatives in my hometown. When I was young (maybe 20), I told my mom how I wish our relatives lived close to us and it would have been so much fun to get together as a large family, she said I’m welcome to start a large family of my own, get a lot of kids and keep them and their families nearby.

Don't you think it is a little ironic or galling for you to tell your mom that you wish your family lived close to each other when you are the one one who moved away??

Don't put this on them. You had a home and family and moved somewhere where you did not. Now you are acting like it is their fault (and quite inconvenient) that they will not die close to you. Time for some introspection.

Oh no, my story is different. Initially I moved because my parents pretty much forced me to do so, I was no longer allowed to live with them. Any time I mentioned to my parents how I miss my hometown and want to come back, they said that I shouldn’t even think about it because the larger city where I moved had so many more opportunities. Then I met my husband in that larger city, he got a job in the US, and we came here. My parents didn’t want their kids and grandkids to live near them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I think you are feeling adrift. You have lost your parents and you are an only child. You are seeking comfort and support in your remaining family, and they just aren't capable of providing it. You need to move on. I know it is scary to seem alone in the world... I'm an only child too, and I know that once my parents are gone, I will have to rely on any support structure that I have built for myself. Kids may or may not be there for you. Spouses, too. Try to build a network of friends and a community around you. Host gatherings, volunteer, offer help to new mothers and to friends going through health crises. In the end, there are no guarantees, but it may help you feel less alone.

Thanks for your feedback. You describe it very accurately. I do feel adrift, and increasingly so as I get older myself.

When I moved overseas I was in my 20s and I only looked at the short to medium term future. Perhaps that was a mistake, but someone in their 20s sees things differently to a person in their 40s or 50s. In your 20s the world is your oyster.

My husband has been incredibly supportive all this time. Yet sometimes his love and support are no substitute for the bond I would have had with my parents, had they been alive.

My adopted country is English speaking, and, however well I have integrated here, I sometimes find it quite hard to talk about things that only people at home (= where I grew up) would 'get', if that makes sense. It's one reason why I wish I had a closer relationship with my remaining family at home.

I sometimes worry about my own old age, and how best to plan for it. DH is 9 years older than me. If he should pass before I do, I'll have to decide whether to stay here or to go back and spend the rest of my life in a familiar environment, but with no family around. A hard choice.

Are there any expat groups you could join where you live? My Aunt grew up in the UK and found an English group that met monthly and loved it. It gave her some of the things you are missing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP again. I should also say that my parents weren't elderly when they died. Mom early 50s, Dad early 60s.

Given that I grew up in a small town with Mom & Dad's family no more than 10 minutes away I guess I had expected more understanding.

Dad felt very alone and down too. He also missed my Mom.

Why is their age relevant?

You weren’t asking for “understanding” you were asking for emotional and physical labor.

Their ages are relevant because I didn't leave elderly, sick people behind when I moved abroad. When I moved away, my parents were still young and healthy. I did not for a moment think that they would get I'll so quickly.

As for my relatives, I didn't expect that much from them. But they could have at least checked on him regularly, or asked if he needed groceries, for example. Sadly those who did offer practical help when he first got sick gave up after a while.

Sadly you did not check on him regularly by phone or other methods, I guess? Or set up regular grocery deliveries? Both things you could have done from where you were.

OP here. I talked to my Dad on the phone 2 or 3 times per week. I called him or he called me. We kept in touch and we talked for long periods of time.

The thing is, my Dad would only tell me what he wanted me to hear. This was not malicious or anything - he didn want upset or worry me. After he passed I found out certain things he hadn't told me. The fact that he'd had a seizure in the grocery store and in the bank, for instance.
The reason I was hoping that my relatives would check on him is that they would have been able to assess the real situation as opposed to the picture my Dad painted when he talked to me.

Then you should have called your relative, explained the situation and your concerns, ask them to check on him, then update you about what needed to be done. Then you send a gift in thanks to acknowledge they went out of their way for you and your dad and to make it easier for you to ask again in the future.

Why didn’t you do that? Simple enough.

This. She wanted these things magically to happen.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, it doesn’t quite matter if you are the only child in this situation. I have a brother, and both of us moved to the US 20 years ago. It takes me about 24 hours to get to my parents’ home, including 15 hours on the plane. Over the years, I invited our parents to come live with us multiple times. They always refused as they were happy with their independent life where they don’t need to care for any kids or grandkids. My mom used to repeat that when one of them passes away, the other one will come live with us. Now she is bed-ridden in a nursing home with dementia, can’t even sit after a recent fall. My father is in his early 80s, still active, and I’d be so happy if he could come and live with us, but of course it’s not an option while my mom is still alive. He visits her a couple of times a week and hopes that she will get better and will return home one day. Her physical condition is decent, she might live for 10 more years. We have no relatives in my hometown. When I was young (maybe 20), I told my mom how I wish our relatives lived close to us and it would have been so much fun to get together as a large family, she said I’m welcome to start a large family of my own, get a lot of kids and keep them and their families nearby.

Don't you think it is a little ironic or galling for you to tell your mom that you wish your family lived close to each other when you are the one one who moved away??

Don't put this on them. You had a home and family and moved somewhere where you did not. Now you are acting like it is their fault (and quite inconvenient) that they will not die close to you. Time for some introspection.

Oh no, my story is different. Initially I moved because my parents pretty much forced me to do so, I was no longer allowed to live with them. Any time I mentioned to my parents how I miss my hometown and want to come back, they said that I shouldn’t even think about it because the larger city where I moved had so many more opportunities. Then I met my husband in that larger city, he got a job in the US, and we came here. My parents didn’t want their kids and grandkids to live near them.

How did your parents force you to move and why were you no longer allowed to live with or near them? And why didn't they want their kids and grandkids to live near them?

[Anonymous]

Op - this is in the past
There is something seriously wrong with you that you are focused so much on this. Get help

If this were a current issue, I'd be answering your question differently.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, it doesn’t quite matter if you are the only child in this situation. I have a brother, and both of us moved to the US 20 years ago. It takes me about 24 hours to get to my parents’ home, including 15 hours on the plane. Over the years, I invited our parents to come live with us multiple times. They always refused as they were happy with their independent life where they don’t need to care for any kids or grandkids. My mom used to repeat that when one of them passes away, the other one will come live with us. Now she is bed-ridden in a nursing home with dementia, can’t even sit after a recent fall. My father is in his early 80s, still active, and I’d be so happy if he could come and live with us, but of course it’s not an option while my mom is still alive. He visits her a couple of times a week and hopes that she will get better and will return home one day. Her physical condition is decent, she might live for 10 more years. We have no relatives in my hometown. When I was young (maybe 20), I told my mom how I wish our relatives lived close to us and it would have been so much fun to get together as a large family, she said I’m welcome to start a large family of my own, get a lot of kids and keep them and their families nearby.

Don't you think it is a little ironic or galling for you to tell your mom that you wish your family lived close to each other when you are the one one who moved away??

Don't put this on them. You had a home and family and moved somewhere where you did not. Now you are acting like it is their fault (and quite inconvenient) that they will not die close to you. Time for some introspection.

Such a lot of blame and prejudice. There are so many reasons people move abroad. Never heard of a trailing spouse? Career opportunities one wouldn't get in a small town?