Is it selfish to move abroad for good when you're an only child?

[Anonymous]

It’s not selfish to move abroad if you’re an only child. I’m an only child who grew up in a place I hated and moved away the first chance I got. My only surviving parent lives in a different city now and talks this place up hoping DH and I will move there. It’s not going to happen.

When my mom died last year, I got a close up look at the weird family dynamics between my parents and their contemporaries. Aunts and uncles who hated my mom reached out to my dad and were a big support to him. Aunts and uncles on my mom’s side who I have fond memories of as a child didn’t call my dad or me once they got the news.

Bottom line is this:
1) you can’t count on people (family or neighbor) to provide care/support/services for your family if you can’t. You have to hire help or get systems in place like transportation or meals that are reliable.
2) A lot of families just aren’t that close, despite how they may project themselves to be. My ILs talk a big game about FAAAAMMMILYYY, but they get resentful if any family member asks them for anything. But, they will put on a big show by volunteering for charities or donating money so people think they are very giving people.
3) don’t take your frustrations out on your relatives. They’ve got their own lives to live and may not have the bandwidth to help your dad. What seems frivolous to you may be important to them. And they have a right to spend their time however they wish.

Stop feeling guilty about living abroad and being angry at your relatives.

[Anonymous]

I'm an only child and my parents moved abroad--from the US to Europe. It was quite challenging to go back and forth to help with my mother's terminal illness that lasted several years and her eventual death since I had a young child and a full-time job. So it works both ways, OP--sometimes parents move overseas. In the end, my parents did what they deemed best for them regardless of any inconvenience to me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks to all for your feedback.

You have made some good points but I feel that some of you STILL don't get what I was trying to explain, or are deliberately obtuse.

I moved overseas out of my own free will. I made that decision on my own and no one held a gun to my head. Absolutely.

I was a young and single 27-year old and, given that my parents were still young and healthy themselves when I left, I had no idea what the future would hold. I did not have a crystal ball.

Some of you may have missed the bit where I said that my husband is from a country that is not my own. He and I met in his country.
Yes, IN THEORY I could have moved back home when my father got ill, but DH and I were already married by then, and we were paying a mortgage, in HIS country. My husband didn't - and still doesn't - want to leave his own country. He likes his country. If I had moved home to live with/near my Dad long-term (couple of years) my marriage would have disintegrated. Or at least we would have become estranged.

The country I live in is English speaking but, although we share the same language, it is a different culture. US, Canada, Ireland, UK, Australia, New Zealand, etc. - same language, different culture and mentality. And don't underestimate other countries' patriotism either ... so it's not that easy to uproot your SO if they are from that culture.

By the way, I am not the ONLY person in my family who moved overseas. People have done it before me and after me, usually for love.
The latest one moved over 5000 miles away ...

FYI - some people on this site post actual caring answers and others try to deliberately mess with the poster and try to make 5em feel as bad as possible. Ignore the button pushers. See a grief counselor and go from there.

I think you have enough answers. Responding to the button pushers just makes them post increasingly more pointed jabs at your vulnerable parts.

+1 There's been a lot of useful posts on this thread in addition to the mean ones, but it's pretty clear that OP would benefit from talking her feelings through with a professional at this point.