Is it selfish to move abroad for good when you're an only child?

[Anonymous]

To your original question, no, I don't think it is selfish. It is up to older family members to arrange for, and have the resources for, their care.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I am an only child who moved overseas and was raised by a very abusive woman. I don't know my bio dad and don't care. In a way, I get what you mean by feeling adrift but I am also quite cynical and don't necessarily romanticize having an extended family (or any family at all). I no longer have any contact with the woman who raised me as it isn't a healthy relationship for me to maintain. You honestly remind me of her in the sense that you want a lot of contact and bonding but are actually alienating them with your neediness. You have said it yourself, they couldn't help you. If I had gotten your text, my first thought would have been "Why is she sending me this? What does this have to do with me?" You sound like you want their attention even though you resent that they didn't help your dad. I think you have a lot to unpack and work on your interpersonal skills.

OP here. I texted 2 uncles and their wives and 1 cousin about our misfortune. The event that happened to us was major and very stressful. It made headlines in our local community. It was an incident that one would normally tell family about, usually parents and siblings first.
Given that my parents are dead and I don't have siblings, I informed my next closest family, i.e. aunts, uncles, cousin (Mom's side of the family).
It not weird that I texted them. It's weird that they didn't reply or acknowledge what had happened. It's not what I would call 'normal'.

I may have moved overseas a long time ago, but I still consider myself to be a valid member of our family. Or do you believe in 'out of sight, out of mind'?

Okay you’re a “valid member” of the family. What do you do for them?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t think anyone in your story did anything wrong (you’re entitled to your life!) but it’s obnoxious of you to wanted family to take over the job you wouldn’t do. And if it’s a competition you were clearly more selfish than more distant relatives who didn’t step up to play caregiver.

OP here. DH and I did whatever we could to help my Dad. Being a caregiver is hard when you're in a different country from the person who needs the care.

What was I meant to do? Leave my husband, my home and my job abroad and move back in with Dad? It's not that simple.
I made the decision to move abroad when I was 27. Little did I know that my parents would get sick and die so quickly.

Of course I didn't expect my family to take over the bulk of the care. But they wouldn't even go check on him, or pick up the phone to ask if he needed anything.

Yes, you could have moved home to care for him, or moved him to care for him. You set your own boundaries. So did they. They did nothing wrong. Likewise you made your choices.

OP here. Moving back home to live with Dad was not an option. What about my job? My husband? DH had his own career and he didn't want leave his country. Also, his own parents (much older than mine) were ageing and his Dad wasn't in good health.

DH and I visited my Dad as often as we could, sometimes every other weekend. I once stayed with Dad for 7 weeks on unpaid leave when he was sick.

Moving Dad to live with us was no option either. Dad was very independent and could be quite stubborn. He didn't want to leave his house.

Yes, you COULD HAVE disrupted your and your DH’s and your children’s lives to do this. You understandably chose not to. You made your choices, which were reasonable. Your extended family made their own choices, which were reasonable. But for some reason you’re mad at them. I think it’s because you’re actually mad at yourself.

Disrupting my and DH's lives was not an option when we had a mortgage to pay. DH didn't want to leave his country. He will never leave his country.

Yes, I was mad at my relatives. They could have gone to check on my Dad. They could have phoned him to see how he was doing. Some relatives said they were 'busy. Coming back from abroad every weekend to look after Dad wasn't sustainable for me.

I guess I am also mad at myself. But when you're 27 and single, you don't think about the distant future. I took my chances and moved abroad. Bright lights big city and all that.

He was not their Dad. He was your Dad. Your "anger" is immature, entitled and misplaced.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, what you describe is the human condition. The fact that you refuse to accept that and continue to try to place blame on these relatives speak to some kind of denial.

What is the purpose of your post? To convince everyone that your relatives were horrible people? By your own admission, your dad was difficult to care for and sabotaged his own care (canceling aide). You only know what you're told. There might be plenty history between your relatives and your dad that you don't know and you're now biased against these relatives.

I'll give you grace and excuse this as your grief speaking. But you need to do a lot of self examination to figure out why you're placing disproportionate blames on others. Maybe you could extend some grace to your relatives too.

The purpose of my post? I am still hurting after all these years. I feel guilty. I don't feel guilty for moving abroad, I had my parents' full support. Neither they nor I knew that their health would decline so quickly.
I do feel guilty about not having been able to provide the care and support to both my parents that I would have if I had stayed. Sadly I cannot turn back the clock.

Some of you suggested that I could have moved back temporarily. Unfortunately that was not an option. DH and I had jobs and a mortgage to pay. DH would never have left his country and I don't think we could have lived apart. It wouldn't have worked.

I was mad at my relatives because to me, at the time, it felt as they didn't care much for my Dad who was THEIR relative too after all.

You say 'you only know what you are told. Very true. In fact both my Mom and Dad tried to 'protect' me when by not telling me everything. My Mom didn't even want my Dad to tell me she was terminally ill because it would disrupt our lives. And Dad relied on others when he was ill for the same reason.

I do not have a close relationship with my family, apart from the very elderly relatives who are now in their 90s. They always appreciate my calls and my visits. I hardly hear from the others. It is always me initiating contact or meet ups when I visit.
Frankly I fear my own old age.

Then you need therapy. Seriously. And if you've tried therapy and think it "didn't help," you need to find a different therapist.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What do you want, absolution? You moved overseas and weren't able to spend time with your parents when they were ailing and dying. It's done. The reason people are suggesting therapy is because you are obviously not at peace with how things went down. You came from a distant, unsupportive family and were yourself distant from your parents. Your father was too stubborn to accept help, and it sounds like you married a somewhat rigid and inflexible man yourself. A therapist can help you unpack this stuff and move on.

You clearly didn't read or understand my posts.
The 3 years that my Dad was ill I went home to visit and help him as much as I could, to the best of my abilities. Sometimes DH came with me to help, but usually I went on my own. I once spent 7 weeks with my Dad on unpaid leave.

I did the same when Mum was ill and I spent the last 6 or 7 weeks of her life with her, by her hospital bed. I was there when she passed.

Technically I COULD have moved back home when my parents were ailing but practically speaking that was never an option. I would have lost my job overseas and I would have needed a new job near my parents, eating away time I could have spent with them. We're not made of money, you know.

Many of you here ask why I was so mad at my relatives. Some of them told me they were too 'busy' to do more for my Dad in my absence.
I found out that their definition of 'busy' meant busy going to the salon, busy getting their nails done, busy playing tennis, busy meeting friends and busy going to BBQs.
Meanwhile, when I was with my Dad I was busy cleaning his house, scrubbing floors, washing and ironing his clothes, cooking food and emptying his chamber pot. And while I considered these to be my duties, my definition of 'busy' is somewhat different than that of my relatives.

Oh my GOD, OP. Are you willfully obtuse? "Scrubbing floors, cleaning his house, ironing his clothes, cooking food and emptying his chamber pot" (do you live in the Middle Ages?) -- plus taking him places, getting him groceries, etc. -- were not their responsibility because HE IS NOT THEIR PARENT.

You sound rigid, inflexible and profoundly difficult. I hope you will seek counseling to help you process this and move on with your life in a mentally and emotionally healthy manner.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What do you want, absolution? You moved overseas and weren't able to spend time with your parents when they were ailing and dying. It's done. The reason people are suggesting therapy is because you are obviously not at peace with how things went down. You came from a distant, unsupportive family and were yourself distant from your parents. Your father was too stubborn to accept help, and it sounds like you married a somewhat rigid and inflexible man yourself. A therapist can help you unpack this stuff and move on.

You clearly didn't read or understand my posts.
The 3 years that my Dad was ill I went home to visit and help him as much as I could, to the best of my abilities. Sometimes DH came with me to help, but usually I went on my own. I once spent 7 weeks with my Dad on unpaid leave.

I did the same when Mum was ill and I spent the last 6 or 7 weeks of her life with her, by her hospital bed. I was there when she passed.

Technically I COULD have moved back home when my parents were ailing but practically speaking that was never an option. I would have lost my job overseas and I would have needed a new job near my parents, eating away time I could have spent with them. We're not made of money, you know.

Many of you here ask why I was so mad at my relatives. Some of them told me they were too 'busy' to do more for my Dad in my absence.
I found out that their definition of 'busy' meant busy going to the salon, busy getting their nails done, busy playing tennis, busy meeting friends and busy going to BBQs.
Meanwhile, when I was with my Dad I was busy cleaning his house, scrubbing floors, washing and ironing his clothes, cooking food and emptying his chamber pot. And while I considered these to be my duties, my definition of 'busy' is somewhat different than that of my relatives.

Sorry but, you don't get to define what others consider busy. Are you planning on helping your cousins' parents when they are sick and dying? If no, than you need to shut up.

Your comparison with my cousins' parents doesn't make sense. My aunts and uncles live in my hometown, I live overseas. My Dad lived in my hometown and so do most of my relatives. Some live around the corner. Wouldn't you visit an ailing relative who lives 10 minutes away?

Since my Dad died one of my cousins moved overseas too, to the other side of the globe. He moved there to be with the woman he loved. They're married now and settled in her country. He visits his 70+ year old parents once a year. What do you think about that?
At least I made more of an effort.

You CHOSE to live overseas. You CHOSE to continue to live overseas even after your mom died and your dad struggled. You have many excuses about how you didn't choose, but yes, you did. Fine, but that in no way makes your extended family required to fill your role for your parent. Sorry. It doesn't.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What do you want, absolution? You moved overseas and weren't able to spend time with your parents when they were ailing and dying. It's done. The reason people are suggesting therapy is because you are obviously not at peace with how things went down. You came from a distant, unsupportive family and were yourself distant from your parents. Your father was too stubborn to accept help, and it sounds like you married a somewhat rigid and inflexible man yourself. A therapist can help you unpack this stuff and move on.

You clearly didn't read or understand my posts.
The 3 years that my Dad was ill I went home to visit and help him as much as I could, to the best of my abilities. Sometimes DH came with me to help, but usually I went on my own. I once spent 7 weeks with my Dad on unpaid leave.

I did the same when Mum was ill and I spent the last 6 or 7 weeks of her life with her, by her hospital bed. I was there when she passed.

Technically I COULD have moved back home when my parents were ailing but practically speaking that was never an option. I would have lost my job overseas and I would have needed a new job near my parents, eating away time I could have spent with them. We're not made of money, you know.

Many of you here ask why I was so mad at my relatives. Some of them told me they were too 'busy' to do more for my Dad in my absence.
I found out that their definition of 'busy' meant busy going to the salon, busy getting their nails done, busy playing tennis, busy meeting friends and busy going to BBQs.
Meanwhile, when I was with my Dad I was busy cleaning his house, scrubbing floors, washing and ironing his clothes, cooking food and emptying his chamber pot. And while I considered these to be my duties, my definition of 'busy' is somewhat different than that of my relatives.

Sorry but, you don't get to define what others consider busy. Are you planning on helping your cousins' parents when they are sick and dying? If no, than you need to shut up.

Your comparison with my cousins' parents doesn't make sense. My aunts and uncles live in my hometown, I live overseas. My Dad lived in my hometown and so do most of my relatives. Some live around the corner. Wouldn't you visit an ailing relative who lives 10 minutes away?

Since my Dad died one of my cousins moved overseas too, to the other side of the globe. He moved there to be with the woman he loved. They're married now and settled in her country. He visits his 70+ year old parents once a year. What do you think about that?
At least I made more of an effort.

You CHOSE to live overseas. You CHOSE to continue to live overseas even after your mom died and your dad struggled. You have many excuses about how you didn't choose, but yes, you did. Fine, but that in no way makes your extended family required to fill your role for your parent. Sorry. It doesn't.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What do you want, absolution? You moved overseas and weren't able to spend time with your parents when they were ailing and dying. It's done. The reason people are suggesting therapy is because you are obviously not at peace with how things went down. You came from a distant, unsupportive family and were yourself distant from your parents. Your father was too stubborn to accept help, and it sounds like you married a somewhat rigid and inflexible man yourself. A therapist can help you unpack this stuff and move on.

You clearly didn't read or understand my posts.
The 3 years that my Dad was ill I went home to visit and help him as much as I could, to the best of my abilities. Sometimes DH came with me to help, but usually I went on my own. I once spent 7 weeks with my Dad on unpaid leave.

I did the same when Mum was ill and I spent the last 6 or 7 weeks of her life with her, by her hospital bed. I was there when she passed.

Technically I COULD have moved back home when my parents were ailing but practically speaking that was never an option. I would have lost my job overseas and I would have needed a new job near my parents, eating away time I could have spent with them. We're not made of money, you know.

Many of you here ask why I was so mad at my relatives. Some of them told me they were too 'busy' to do more for my Dad in my absence.
I found out that their definition of 'busy' meant busy going to the salon, busy getting their nails done, busy playing tennis, busy meeting friends and busy going to BBQs.
Meanwhile, when I was with my Dad I was busy cleaning his house, scrubbing floors, washing and ironing his clothes, cooking food and emptying his chamber pot. And while I considered these to be my duties, my definition of 'busy' is somewhat different than that of my relatives.

Oh my GOD, OP. Are you willfully obtuse? "Scrubbing floors, cleaning his house, ironing his clothes, cooking food and emptying his chamber pot" (do you live in the Middle Ages?) -- plus taking him places, getting him groceries, etc. -- were not their responsibility because HE IS NOT THEIR PARENT.

You sound rigid, inflexible and profoundly difficult. I hope you will seek counseling to help you process this and move on with your life in a mentally and emotionally healthy manner.

It is called a chamber pot. Or, a commode, in some countries. However you wish to name it, it's a portable toilet that needs emptying.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thanks to all for your feedback.

You have made some good points but I feel that some of you STILL don't get what I was trying to explain, or are deliberately obtuse.

I moved overseas out of my own free will. I made that decision on my own and no one held a gun to my head. Absolutely.

I was a young and single 27-year old and, given that my parents were still young and healthy themselves when I left, I had no idea what the future would hold. I did not have a crystal ball.

Some of you may have missed the bit where I said that my husband is from a country that is not my own. He and I met in his country.
Yes, IN THEORY I could have moved back home when my father got ill, but DH and I were already married by then, and we were paying a mortgage, in HIS country. My husband didn't - and still doesn't - want to leave his own country. He likes his country. If I had moved home to live with/near my Dad long-term (couple of years) my marriage would have disintegrated. Or at least we would have become estranged.

The country I live in is English speaking but, although we share the same language, it is a different culture. US, Canada, Ireland, UK, Australia, New Zealand, etc. - same language, different culture and mentality. And don't underestimate other countries' patriotism either ... so it's not that easy to uproot your SO if they are from that culture.

By the way, I am not the ONLY person in my family who moved overseas. People have done it before me and after me, usually for love.
The latest one moved over 5000 miles away ...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks to all for your feedback.

You have made some good points but I feel that some of you STILL don't get what I was trying to explain, or are deliberately obtuse.

I moved overseas out of my own free will. I made that decision on my own and no one held a gun to my head. Absolutely.

I was a young and single 27-year old and, given that my parents were still young and healthy themselves when I left, I had no idea what the future would hold. I did not have a crystal ball.

Some of you may have missed the bit where I said that my husband is from a country that is not my own. He and I met in his country.
Yes, IN THEORY I could have moved back home when my father got ill, but DH and I were already married by then, and we were paying a mortgage, in HIS country. My husband didn't - and still doesn't - want to leave his own country. He likes his country. If I had moved home to live with/near my Dad long-term (couple of years) my marriage would have disintegrated. Or at least we would have become estranged.

The country I live in is English speaking but, although we share the same language, it is a different culture. US, Canada, Ireland, UK, Australia, New Zealand, etc. - same language, different culture and mentality. And don't underestimate other countries' patriotism either ... so it's not that easy to uproot your SO if they are from that culture.

By the way, I am not the ONLY person in my family who moved overseas. People have done it before me and after me, usually for love.
The latest one moved over 5000 miles away ...

FYI - some people on this site post actual caring answers and others try to deliberately mess with the poster and try to make 5em feel as bad as possible. Ignore the button pushers. See a grief counselor and go from there.

I think you have enough answers. Responding to the button pushers just makes them post increasingly more pointed jabs at your vulnerable parts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks to all for your feedback.

You have made some good points but I feel that some of you STILL don't get what I was trying to explain, or are deliberately obtuse.

I moved overseas out of my own free will. I made that decision on my own and no one held a gun to my head. Absolutely.

I was a young and single 27-year old and, given that my parents were still young and healthy themselves when I left, I had no idea what the future would hold. I did not have a crystal ball.

Some of you may have missed the bit where I said that my husband is from a country that is not my own. He and I met in his country.
Yes, IN THEORY I could have moved back home when my father got ill, but DH and I were already married by then, and we were paying a mortgage, in HIS country. My husband didn't - and still doesn't - want to leave his own country. He likes his country. If I had moved home to live with/near my Dad long-term (couple of years) my marriage would have disintegrated. Or at least we would have become estranged.

The country I live in is English speaking but, although we share the same language, it is a different culture. US, Canada, Ireland, UK, Australia, New Zealand, etc. - same language, different culture and mentality. And don't underestimate other countries' patriotism either ... so it's not that easy to uproot your SO if they are from that culture.

By the way, I am not the ONLY person in my family who moved overseas. People have done it before me and after me, usually for love.
The latest one moved over 5000 miles away ...

I'm a PP. You were 27 years old, not a child. Did it not occur to you that by moving overseas, you very well might meet someone from that country and marry them? Even still, if being near your parents as they got older was a priority (as it was for me, which is why I moved back to my home city right after I finished grad school), you could have told potential mates that you intended to move back to your home country, and those that weren't okay with that, would obviously not be the right match for you. But, you chose not to do any of those things, and now are lamenting that you couldn't go back to be with your parents when they got older/sick because it would ruin your marriage. SMH. You definitely need to seek professional help. Good luck OP.

[Anonymous]

Leave the guilt! Your parents would want you to be happy.

[Anonymous]

OP, you're obviously hurting, and I'm sorry that you are. It must have been really hard to lose your parents like that while being far away.

But as many people have pointed out, some gently and some not so much, is that it's not fair for you to blame your relatives. You could have left your DH and let the marriage disintegrate. I'm not saying that's what you SHOULD have done, but you could have. You chose not to. I think that you're really struggling with your own choices, which virtually no one on this thread said have been unreasonable.

I mean this kindly - do look into grief counseling. It might take more than just a few sessions, you've hinted that there is more to the problem than just this - your relatives' disinterest in your life, worrying about your own future. Maybe you can come up with a plan to be more independent when you're aging (your own assisted living, etc.) so that you know you'll be well taken care of. Not everyone has the luxury of having close family take care of them as they near death. Would it be ideal? Maybe. Is it realistic? No. Get tot the root of what is driving your anger/resentment, and work on how to relieve that.

[Anonymous]

Her parents also had the option to move to where she lived. They chose not to move.

I wonder if there are marital issues and now second regrets. Hopefully she’s been in her new country where she has friends and it feels like home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Her parents also had the option to move to where she lived. They chose not to move.

I wonder if there are marital issues and now second regrets. Hopefully she’s been in her new country where she has friends and it feels like home.

But OP can only control her choices, not those of her parents.